i didn't get laid off, woohoo. actually, the amount of people who got laid off was relatively low compared to other companies. but people did lose their jobs, people with families and mortgages and bills, and that's really unfortunate. blah.

on a side note, has this ever happened to you? you're at work and you go to the bathroom to do your business. you're sitting on the toilet, thinking about all the work you have to do and then you finish doing what you have to do. then you reach for the toilet paper... but there is none. you look under the toilet paper dispenser and your true fears have been confirmed, you have nothing to wipe your ass with. believe it or not, this was the second time it happened to me in the past few weeks. the first thought that popped into my head was, "wtf, shit like this really happens to people in real life?? i thought stuff like this only happened in bad comedies" i guess it's also my fault for using the same stall twice and not learning my lesson. suffice it to say, i did what i had to do and went on with my merry day.

layoffs are happening everywhere --- the downturn of the economy is evident in every industry within the nation, and publishing is no different. from the l.a. times, the new york times, radar, cosmogirl, and countless other publications, people are getting fired, companies are closing down, and there's nothing that can be done about it.

it's been rumored in my office that there will soon be an announcement of layoffs within the the publishing company i work for, which is owned by one of the largest financial institutions in the world. i heard last week that the announcement will come tomorrow, and lo and behold, a little after 5 pm today, our whole department gets an email from our publisher about an 11 am meeting tomorrow that will announce the future and some changes within our publishing company.

people are definitely freaked out in the office, but as for me, i know that everything happens for a reason. right now i'm giving 120% at work, and if that's not good enough and they think i am one of the people who should be laid off, then it is what it is. honestly, i'm not really worried about tomorrow, but you never know about these things. we'll see how it goes.

i'm in kohler, wisconsin.

i got here thursday evening, and have been in timeless bubble that is filled with wine and food. all i have been doing is eating amazing food and drinking tons of award winning wines ---- i guess my job isn't so bad after all. kohler itself is beautiful and everyone is really nice. it's also so nice to get the fuck out of new york for a while.

i borrowed my friend's camera and am taking tons of pictures here, i'll post some after i get back home on sunday.

i wore the same pants to work for the past 3 days. i don't know how the hell i let myself do that.

i finally found an apt and signed a one year lease. i'll be living in clinton-hill in brooklyn.

i'm going to wisconsin this weekend for work, it's been a while since i've been out of nyc.

i have a one week vacation during the first week of november. i'll probably spend that first week settling into my new apt and doing nothing.

all i need now is a job i love and a golden retriever and i'd be all set in life.

i was at my sister's house last week when i heard that choi jin-sil hanged herself in her apt in seoul while her mother was home. i loved choi jin-sil, she was one of the first korean actresses i started watching in the 90's and couldn't believe it when i heard the news of her suicide. i still can't believe she's dead and sometimes just obsessively google her name and the word "suicide" to see if there's any new information on her death.

i think the idea of suicide resonates so much with me because it makes me sad to think that there are people out there who feel that alone. reading back on this blog, i used to have such deep depression and feel lucky to have survived through those dark years in my life. it creeps back on me every now and then, but i feel like i've learned to cope with it better and i know what i need to do to make it go away. it doesn't always work, but i'm still in a much better place than i used to be. people say that suicide is the most selfish thing to do, and while i agree with that --- i also do empathize with people who feel such strong, uncontrollable pain and sadness in their lives and they don't know how to make it go away. when i get depressed, i get indifferent and question everything at the same time. why am i here? what is the point of my life? what would happen if i was dead?

but at 25, i've now come to learn that life is so great, no matter what you're going through. yeah-sure, things could always be better, but things could always be worse. maybe it's the fact that i'm in my twenties and i still have such hope and dreams for my life, but i know i'm going to be happy and i'll eventually obtain everything i've ever wanted.

talking about this is bringing me down again so i will end this post with a video. while i normally don't like to post videos here too often, the following is a clip from a korean drama in the 90's called "Jealousy" (질투) that is near and dear to my heart. i actually remember watching this drama as a little kid in the early 90's, and specifically remember the last scene because it was the best ending of a drama ever and became an instant classic when it went cut right to some footage of all the production crew. even watching the scene now, i can remember why i loved it as a 9-year old kid.

yesterday was a life-changing day.

one of my bosses at work was able to score me two tickets to haruki murakami's interview at this year's new yorker festival. all i've got to say is, this event sold-out in eleven minutes when tickets went on sale a while ago and i was absolutely elated to be there. i NEVER in my life thought that i would ever be able to see or be in the same room as murakami. it's like expecting to go to a reading by vladimir nabokov---it's just not going to happen.

but with murakami it did happen, and i left the interview feeling inspired about life and my future as a writer. i'm pretty lazy as an aspiring writer because, well---i never write anymore. whenever i finish work and come home, the last thing i'm feeling is inspired to write. but i've got to figure out a new system to get myself inspired and get my thoughts in writing because i'm already 25, and i've got to start making shit happen for myself.

october 5, 2008, will forever be the day in my life where i got to see one of my literary heroes in person. i've met and seen countless celebs, but this is one of the very few that actually matter to me. i feel such a connection with him, especially after yesterday. some of his thoughts on life and the writing process are things that i also fully believe in and i got such goosebumps during the event.

here are just a few notes i came away with after the interview ended. murakami...

1. thinks he never dreams while he sleeps because writing is like dreaming, and that's how all writers dream---they write
2. writes without a plan. all he has is his opening scene of a book, and he just goes from there
3. wakes up at around 3-4 AM because that's when he does his best writing. a lot of his books have an underlying theme of a a dark underworld, and that's the time where he feels closest to that other world
4. says writers have to be tough in order to make it
5. said, "my imagination is my asset---my gift"

the best thing murakami said last night was, "if the protagonist is happy, there’s no story at all.” that pretty much sums up my life.

thank you, haruki murakami.