my grandfather was admitted into the hospital a few days ago and almost died. he had some sort of emergency surgery and his life was saved, thank goodness. it's weird to think of my grandfather as this old man who might soon leave this earth. he's always been the patriarch of my family. his word is law, and that's just the way it is. everything he says is always deeply respected by my family, because he's such a strong willed man who overcame so much in his life to let it become what it is today. the image of him being rushed into the hospital is hard to picture, because all my life he's been very actively, both physically and mentally. i would say his english is better than my parents' because he's been studying it since he emigrated here with his family in the 70s. i grew up with him in alaska, and througout my childhood, every saturday he would make my siblings and i go to korean school to learn how to read, speak, and write it. he would let us know that we are korean, and that we should be proud of who we are. he cared for his grand kids so much. when my cousin went to jail back around 97, my grandfather was hit the hardest out of everyone. i was told he cried and cried because he was so sad about it. even with my cousin in jail, my grandfather continued to write him on a regular basis, giving him encouragement... it's touching to think about it... this old man, who live in alaska, a lifetime away, keeps his grandkids in his thoughts constantly. i feel so guilty about living my life and not realizing that he is the man that gave me the life i have today. if he hadn't decided to emigrate to america, his sons, one of which is my dad, would still be in korea. it's weird to say i love him... because... well, it's just complicated.
the second thing i want to talk about is my friend's mother. he's one of my closest and dearest friends i have, and i truly value his friendship. my friend's mother is pretty religious, and whenever i meet her she tells me she's praying for me and thinks about me. i've heard that a lot in my life, and honestly i never believed people when they said that. i figured they were just saying that to say it. but earlier today i called my friend and his mother picked up because she had his phone for some reason. we made small talk and she invited me to go to church with her one sunday, that god loves me and that he helps everyone who seeks his help. she then said that she's been praying for me, and then before she hung up said, "tae-ya... i love you..." i was touched she said that. it caught me by surprise, but i now know that she's not the type of person who says things like that for the sake of saying it. i believe her. i believe in the power of love. i'm not saying that i will go to church and become a devout christian. but this i will say. there are some really great people out there....
the last thing i'll talk about today is my sister. it's been almost 4 years since i have seen and spoken to her. i miss her. i miss having her in my life. i'm so tired of hating, it takes a lot of energy. but then i think forgiving her would take even more energy. i still think about why she's not in my family's life anymore... thinking about it scares me because blood means nothing to some people, and i don't understand how they can disregard family so easily. i suddenly feel very sad.
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