sometimes i get the urge to just cancel my cell phone and live in the woods all by myself.

i will live alone and die alone. that is my fate.

instead of bitching about inconsequential nothings, i'll think about others who are going through real life issues that have true effects on our lives. in the end, my job is just that, a job... and nothing more.

my condolences.

i feel like no matter where i am in life, i will never feel like i fit in.

world's on fire

i want to change the world... i want to help people... i want to give a voice to those without one...

3.5 hour conference call

it's almost six in the morning and i just got home now. today was a super long day at work. got in at 10:30 in the morning, and then had conference call at 9pm to korea, then another one at 1 in the morning to korea. the one that started at 1 ended at about 5 am. i'm beat.

mother's day yesterday was a complete success. i went and bought this sashimi platter for my parents and sister, along with some nice cheeses to slice up and eat as well. they all enjoyed their gifts and food, it made me happy that they liked everything.

okay, back to talk about work. i know, i know, it's all i talk about, but it's really consuming my life. sometimes i don't even know what to say about work anymore... and i'll leave mt thoughts at that. i had this whole long and profound epiphany that i wanted to share today, but i realize it's not even really an epiphany, just a tiny burst of thought that i had tried to make into something bigger, but i now realize it's petty.

what it all does come down to is, what do i value most in life? what is it that i find important and that i can't live without. i sometimes think i know, but then i'm always proven wrong.

anyway, need rest. good night world.

blah19

damn i am so exhausted. i can't believe i haven't written here in almost a week.

i had my last day of classes this past thursday. i'm elated that the school semester is now officially over, no more stressing about papers and all that stuff. woohoo. now i get to only stress about work.

today was a normal day for work. feeling overworked and stressed as usual, but enough about that.

but alas, it is a friday night and i can sleep in tomorrow. i'll probably end up going into the office anyway to get some work done, but at least it'll be saturday and the office will be empty for the most part.

i'm trying to write my final paper but i can't help but procrastinate.

i've come to the conclusion that i fucking hate writing papers. does that still make me a writer????

i'm very confused at the moment.

on a side note, yesterday i went to this small theatre in the east village that was playing all the films of the graduating seniors from the nyu film school. i went because my friend, who is a budding actor, was in one of the short films.

i think it's weird that i don't find it weird to see my friend acting and watching him on the big screen of a theatre. well about the short film he was in, suffice it to say his acting was good, but the film was soooo bad. seriously it was trying so hard to be artsy and for every fucking scene, it would completely fade to black. WHAT THE FUCK. every damn scene was like that! i couldn't help but roll my damn eyes each time that happened.

and for some of the other films, they weren't that funny but man, people in the theatre were going insane. i was upset because i thought that a joint had been passed around the audience and it somehow skipped me, and maybe that's why i didn't find the movies funny like the other people?

ok, well shit shit shit. it's 2:30. fuckerrrrrr.

blah18

i think my neighbor saw me making out just now with that guy i'm seeing. i really hate this feeling. i feel like such an anomaly, like i don't belong to society and that all actions i partake in my personal life should be shunned and kept hidden away from society. i hate this feeling.

now i have to write a paper for school that's due tomorrow. this sucks.

blah17

it hit me like a city bus out of nowhere. sitting in the passenger seat of my friend's car with the window half open, i could feel the early summer breeze whipping by my forehead and hair, and it hit me. i wanted to cry and crawl into fetus position and just dissappear. it's been awhile since i've felt like this because i've been so busy with work and school, and i guess today was the first time in awhile since i've had a moment to think clearly.

i feel so unhappy. everything i do in life seems pointless. the work i'm doing for my channel is something that most people would find fulfilling, but i don't. it leaves me nothing but stressed out, and i wish that i could live on a deserted island with nothing but meager food and the greatest books of all time. while my body would be malnurished, my heart and would be fed constantly, leaving me always fulfilled with reading about the lives and stories of the greatest people of all time.

i have too many expectations with my life, and sometimes i think that it's not all that it's cracked up to be.

blah16

3 o clock and just got home from work.

i had a great story to tell but i'll leave it for next time.

blah15

the rain tonight felt so good when i was coming home. it's been awhile since i walked in the rain with a smile, not thinking about the squishing sound my shoes were making with each step. it's about 10 o clock and i managed to come home today at a decent hour. things are getting more intense at work and i know that it'll only get worse, but then again i feel very lucky i guess. i see and think about people who i come upon and encounter with everyday, people who have less desirable and glamorous jobs than me, but who don't have the luxury to bitch and moan about it like myself.

i think about my dad who drives people around in his livery cab all day. i think about all the rude and crazy people he must encounter on a daily basis, all the people who treat him like shit and with no respect. that's when i realize that i am lucky... to be sitting in a cushy office under one of the most famous companies in the world. to not have to deal with people who don't who treat my like shit, because people i encounter for work are more than nice to me.