Monday, January 18, 2021

"Shake it off,
shake the fear of feeling lost."

From the song Diamonds by Sam Smith.

Saturday, January 16, 2021

A kind stranger on the street just wished me good morning and I’m all about this energy.
There’s a lamp on my nightstand I have not turned on in forever. That’s because I have not read a paper book at night in bed (or in the day for that matter) for so long. 

I just finished flipping through a paper magazine (also something I haven’t done in a while since I cancelled all subscriptions) with my lamp on, and since I already have the lighting, am now lying here thinking I should crack open an actual book.

Friday, January 15, 2021

Good work is all about ideas and decisions.

Thursday, January 14, 2021

I wish I could eat some jeon rn.
Hot Pocket,
slosh it with spit.
Yours to freely covet.
Crisper sleeve jack it,
no matter the width.
I forgive myself for the fictitious mistakes I made today which exist only in my head.


Tuesday, January 12, 2021

Show up with pen and paper.
Brain fog.
Ass cough.
Lights off.
Pillows soft.
Instead of feeling excited for the inauguration of President-elect Joe Biden and Vice President-elect Kamala Harris next week, Americans are gripped by fear of domestic terrorism from white supremacists in this country. 

I am not shocked at the fact that these idiots exist, because every BIPOC person has their own personal experiences of having to deal with racial bigots like them. But what's most appalling is the gaslighting BIPOC people have experienced for generations—being told the racism and microaggressions we experience daily are things made up in our heads—when clearly, what happened at the Capitol Building is just one example of what those who are rooted in white supremacy get away with every damn day in America. Those assholes who mobbed the nation's capital last week? I have lived next to them. They've been my teachers and classmates. I have worked with them. I have waited on them. I have felt their hostility at bars and restaurants and other places all over NYC countless times. And to watch January 6's events unfold like that, it's beyond traumatizing. For hundreds of years, the phone call was always coming from inside the house. 

Fuck white supremacy. Black Lives Matter! 

P.S., if you are white, stop telling BIPOC people about your racist relatives because we don't give a shit, and you definitely don't get points for not being racist.

Sunday, January 10, 2021

Call Tiffany.
It's about you.
Don’t wait for me.
"Let's work."

From the song Let's Work (Original Mix) by Cajmere.

Put on a happy face and do some damage.

While eating something just now, it was the first time the ends of my bangs crept into my mouth. My hair is so long at this point that I can tie a ponytail. I haven't cut it since last March.

No guest list,
just one wish,
To let go,
let your body swish.

"I feel loved."

From the song I Feel Loved (Danny Tenaglia's Labor of Love Edit Mix) by Depeche Mode.

Damn, this song used to be the shit!
"You've gotta be strong,
and have no doubt."

From the song Living for the Future (Earnshaw's Vocal Mix) by H20.
I am drinking wine and blasting music rn.
"You're an inspiration to me.
Let's celebrate life.
Life has just begun for me."

From the song Inspiration by Kerri Chandler.
Congratulations on reading this, for you are the only one.
Btw, fuck yeah I'm going eat that shit.
On my mind all night,
woke up with a dish in sight.
as it sits here on my desk.
I can't help wonder,
I don't even need it.
should I even eat it?
Or is there something deeper inside,
crying out to feed it?

"Do the hustle."

From the song The Hustle by Van McCoy and the Soul City Symphony.

I’m so disoriented on what day and time it is right now.

How is it past 3am already? Well, at least it’s still the weekend.
I started watching this new Korean drama a few days ago, and ooh wee, I've been completely absorbed in its fantasy world since. Apparently, it's like the hottest show in Korea right now.

Titled The Penthouse: War In Life and streaming here, it's 21 episodes long and SO frickin' good. Thankfully, the finale just came out this past Tuesday so I was able to watch it through without dying to know what happens after the end of each episode's cliffhanger.

In addition to its over-the-top and absolutely bonkers storyline, I really loved all of the talented actors it featured. And like any good Korean drama that's a time capsule in showcasing the latest pop culture, it did a great job in capturing the newest fashions, home decor, what cell phones people are using, and trends in general, to show someone like me on the other side of the world what's currently popular in the country. Overall, the show felt fresh, super modern, and was just excellently done. It’s been a while since I watched a Korean drama this good. I especially liked how the writing kept the story going at a pace that gripped my attention from the first minute. All of the non-stop plot twists made me wish I had been in the writer's room, because it's like, how do you even come up with something so twisted and genius?! And for 21 episodes straight! The plot was like a hybrid between a thriller and a soap opera, with plenty of funny moments where I had the time of my life laughing out loud so hard from its absurdity.

The story basically revolves around a few families who live in Seoul's most exclusive and super fancy (fictional) apartment building. Power, wealth, greed, bullying, murder, nepotism—it's all there. And of course, don't forget about the theme of revenge, which is pretty much the foundation to any good Korean drama. There's also the common Cinderella aspect where someone with no money is trying to move up in the world, along with a glimpse into shady undertakings of the ultra-rich in order to hold onto what they have. I'm normally more into rom-com Korean dramas that don't involve people getting killed, but this show definitely made it interesting and impossible to turn off.

Honestly, discovering The Penthouse this week was the best distraction from everything that's been in the news. I just finished the last episode right now and I'm already wanting more.

Friday, January 08, 2021

Wednesday, January 06, 2021

Thank you, Georgia.

Fuck you domestic terrorists who stormed the Capitol Building today.

Tuesday, January 05, 2021

Sunday, January 03, 2021

Day 3 of the new year and the only goal I've maintained thus far is recording a voice note daily in my phone. I figured this is an achievable thing to do in 2021, which will also help me get out of my head for a bit. I've gotten so used to just thinking and writing everyday, leaving no opportunity to simply express myself freely without having to calculate what comes next. I have to say it's already been pretty helpful, which is also a sad indicator of how starved I am for conversation. Talking aloud to myself provides a relief from keeping that insanity on repeat in my thoughts.

Saturday, January 02, 2021

You know how so many house songs have a single of line of lyrics that's repeated throughout it?

Mine is: Start Early, End Early
I went out to pick up some dry cleaning just before and ended up walking behind two young people who were talking shit about their boss and how they won't give them any time off. It had been so long since I've eavesdropped on a conversation of strangers. I feel alive again.
Heal the aches,
order rice cakes.
"You gotta believe in something."

From the song You Gotta Believe (Original '91 Atomix) by Fierce Ruling Diva.
"Do you want it?
And if you had it, would you flaunt it?
Well, it's yours!"

From the song It's Your (ft E-Man) Distant Musix Mix by Jon Cutler.
"We don't really need a crowd to have a party,
just a funky beat and you to get it started."

From the song Big Fun (Original 12" Mix) by Inner City.

Friday, January 01, 2021

Thursday, December 31, 2020

Hey 2021, I know we're about to meet for the first time, but please don't be an asshole.

K, thx.

The end of 2020 is less than an hour away...

So much stuff went down this year, but—I need to not end the past nine months of messed up (and totally awakening) stuff in the same way it's been going. Rather than thinking about that or what didn't happen, I also find myself going back to the most memorable time of what I'm missing the most right now: being out and dancing all night. 

For going out and partying, I had an exciting era where my life felt solely dedicated this. It started exactly 20 years ago from this upcoming February when I was a senior in high school and had just turned 18. My cousin's friend who I had become friends with said his older sister was going to this club called Exit in the city (I think it might've been her birthday). He was going to go for the first time and asked me to come along because he didn't want to go alone. I remember feeling lucky because my birthday had just passed, so I didn't need a fake ID to get in like my friend. He lived in Flushing near Northern Boulevard and Parsons, and I recall going to his apartment first so we could all head into the city together. That first night at Exit changed my life. I ended up going there weekly for years. There was specifically this one corner near the dance floor where all the Asian kids hung out. After going there every Friday, so many of us became friends and would party together. Light shows, bunny hopping, dance offs, candy bracelets, blowing Vicks VapoRub onto each other's faces, DJ Tony Draper, like wow haha. To just be that age and doing that back in 2001, it was so damn fun.

Now, as I'm thinking about all that happened in 2020, all I can do is blast old party music in my room and dance. It makes me miss being on that dance floor again while having the time of my life. I felt completely free back then and life seemed like everything was going to be okay. The old space of Exit is Terminal 5 now. I haven't stepped foot in it since it used to be Exit.

Here are some old pictures of that infamous corner from back in the day.

"Rhythm ready."

From the song Rhythm Ready by DJ Tony Draper.

This song seriously gives me heart palpitations. It reminds of partying when I was 18 and dancing in UFOs so hard.
"Do you think you're better off alone?
Talk to me."

From the song Better Off Alone by Alice DJ.
When my mind goes there,
why am I still even staying here?

I had such a great lesson about something today and I am feeling mighty fine.

Yo 2020,
don't you come near me.
Tired of your stunts, see?
Had more than plenty.
Be gone in the morning,
cause you ain't friendly.
When the new year comes,
your end won't bring envy.
Good morning, and happy New Year’s Eve!

I just woke up from a weird dream and since it’s the last day of the year, rather than go back to bed to grab a bit more sleep before I start work, I thought I’d stay up.

I dreamt this good friend of mine who I care deeply about was in town and over my place. It wasn’t in the apartment I’m living in now, though, but his visit was such a pleasant surprise that when he spontaneously suggested we go party somewhere (although we knew we shouldn’t because of the pandemic), I immediately said yes. As we were getting ready, my middle sister came home and began venting about her rough day so we invited her out as well. The three of us weren’t sure where to go, but we walked around some industrial area while helicopters flew about above the Manhattan sky. The next thing I know, we’re in some secret warehouse party where everyone is dancing and having fun. At one point I find myself staring at this tv monitor of the dance floor and I watch my friend spot a guy he thinks is cute before making a direct b-line for this dude to hit on him. This sort of upsets me because I have a crush on my friend and I decide to leave the party to get some air. While I’m outside, I see the cops about to swarm the party and I try to text my sister and friend to warn them. That’s when all of the partygoers slowly start exiting the huge building and I eventually spot my sister. I ask where the friend is and she said he ditched us to hang with that new guy he had just met. The cops are trying to herd everyone in to these tents while making everyone change into hazmat suits but I grab my sister and say we still have to go party somewhere. I double check with her to make sure she hadn’t taken off her mask inside the warehouse at any point and she confirms she didn’t, so we slip away from the side and escape. We end up wandering these small houses and shops that remind me of the side streets of Khao San in Bangkok. The two of us are linked arm-in-arm with our masks on and trying to find someplace to grab a drink or some food but since it’s a few minutes past the NYC 10pm curfew, everything is about to close or is closed.We eventually stumble onto this small spot selling Jamaican oxtail about to close up shop but still has some customers dining inside. The storefront isn’t like one in NYC, it’s like an old school spot in Thailand where all of the large windows are open and circulating fresh air. When my sister gets in line to order and I go to grab us seats, that’s when I woke up.

I always wake up really happy when I have dreams about this friend of mine.

Tuesday, December 29, 2020

But the good news is that today was the first day in like a week or so where my Internet didn't have constant disruptions.

I'm craving good, deep, I want to know-who-the-fuck-you-are type of conversations.

It's funny because I feel like in my adult life, so many people always ends up telling me their secrets (and I mean everything). I'm always humbled to be entrusted with such precious info, but when it comes down to it, it's not really about the secrets. It's more about reaching this level of trust and connection, and that's what I'm really yearning for.
A bullshit thing I always ask myself is, why don't you just go let it all out by writing some fiction or some shit?

But it's like, who wants to do that when I can just be lazy and beached on my bed with a McRib dangling from my mouth.

The urge to party comes from the desire to be me.

I'm very in my thoughts and feelings today. Actually, I'm not sure how to feel... so I ate a whole bunch of crap food and overthought about everything of course. This perpetual state of being stuck lingers. I want to step over to the other side, but like where and how the fuck do I do that.

Monday, December 28, 2020

"That's the way everyday goes,
every time,
we've no control."

From the song Pink + White by Frank Ocean.
Had a cup ramen and now I'm snacking on some chocolate at my desk.

Every Monday this month felt like a Thursday, where a long week was had and the next day should be a well deserved Friday.
"If I get my money right,
you know I won't need you."

From the song Nights by Frank Ocean.

Sunday, December 27, 2020

Sunday scaries,
don't freeze,
or dare me, please.

My friend Judy got me a rice cooker for Christmas this year. It's one of those fancy electronic ones and its cute size is perfect for a single mofo like myself. I just broke it in for the first time today, and it already feels better than the small aluminum ramen pot I was previously using to make rice over the stovetop. I very much enjoyed my meal before of rice and banchan with some SPAM and eggs I fried up, and am still full and happy from it. Lately, I've been craving simple Korean food to eat at home, so I'm thinking this new kitchen gadget will really come in handy for the winter.

I had a good Christmas this year. Last week, I woke up early on Tuesday to go to the CityMD near me so I could get a COVID-19 test. I wasn't feeling sick or anything, but it was a precautionary measure for the holidays. The line there was already super long even an hour before it opened, and it took me a little less than two hours to get to the front of it. Once there, they took down my name and phone number and told me they would text me in about six hours so I could come back and actually get tested. It was good that I got there early in the morning when I did, because I know a lot of people were turned away from a lack of availability. And luckily, it only took about three hours for them to contact me. Once I returned to the CityMD, I was in-and-out in about five minutes. It was super easy and fast, and I received my negative results via email within an hour.

Even though my parents live about 30 minutes away from me in New Jersey, I hadn't seen them in six months because of the pandemic. My family ended up not meeting up for Thanksgiving because we didn't realize that the lines for COVID-19 tests around then would be so insane. So we all decided to plan better for Christmas and try and gather now instead.

Spending time with my parents was great. Even though we talk on the phone regularly, it was nice to catch up in person. I had fun crashing on their couch while eating and drinking and doing nothing but spending time with one another. I think it really recharged me. I feel like I've been stuck in my room forever, just working and feeling isolated from so many things. To hug my parents and feel their embrace and hands in mine, I couldn't have asked for a better Christmas gift. Together with my sisters and brother-in-law, we ate so much food and laughed and chilled. 

I hope you all had a merry and safe holiday as well.

“I thought that I was dreaming,
when you said you loved me.”

From the song Ivy by Frank Ocean.
Radiator lullaby,
in the background while I cry.

Friday, December 25, 2020

Thursday, December 24, 2020

"You are now watching Mad TV."

From the show Mad TV now streaming on HBO MAX. Season 1, Episode 1.
Gonna hack it.
Grab my jacket.
Real wack, kid.

Tuesday, December 22, 2020

"I already know how to survive—so, why am I worried?"

Said by Vicky Vox in her podcast Doing Great With Vicky Vox. Episode 48.
The only property I own is the space I rent out in my head.
My Internet has been spotty all damn day.
I guess it's perfect for the longest night of the year.