Friday, September 21, 2018

"And you know what's so good about the truth? Everyone knows what it is, however long they've lived without it. No one forgets the truth, Frank. They just get better at lying."

Said by the character April in the movie Revolutionary Road.
Bubbles are made to be burst.

Monday, September 17, 2018

Today feels like such a weird Monday.

Even emotional eating feels so unfulfilling.

Sunday, September 16, 2018

Happy Sunday, everyone. It's a hot September day here in New York (shout out to global warming!). Even though it's my one day of the week to sleep in, I got up early today and decided to try and be productive. I purged some old crap in my closet, Swiffered my tiny little room, and gulped a tall glass of cold water with a splash of apple cider vinegar in it before heading out. In general, I think I've been spending too much of my free time eating, vegetating, and scrolling at home. Don't get me wrong, I love doing it and hiding away from the world. But these words aren't going to write themselves. And the subways are always messed up on the weekends, so that makes me want to hibernate even more. But alas, I'm happy to be out and about today. Speaking of the subway, why does it feel like the MTA doesn't give a shit about New Yorkers? Everyday, there is so much such annoying bullshit to deal with. The trains are always late, packed, stalled, or just seem dysfunctional in general. And this happens on a daily basis. The subway station closest to my apartment closed for renovations this July and is set to re-open in November. That means I have to use the next closest train station on that subway line, which isn't too far from me so it's fine. But then that station has been closed on the weekends for the past few weeks, so it's just like, ugh, what the fuck. I basically live off podcasts from Oprah and RuPaul to help me get through my commutes. I came to my old college campus right now to just sit with my computer for a bit. I haven't been doing this as often as I should because the workweek leaves me mentally depleted with little bandwidth for anything else. But I can't think about it like that. I have to think of this as a mental regeneration instead. Forcing those reminders upon myself is the only way to get back in the habit of trying to get shit done. And I have to admit that forgetting about any big life lessons or epiphanies I share here on this blog happens often. I rewatched The Devil Wears Prada the other night, and when Emily Blunt's character repeats to herself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job," I laughed so hard. It's like yes, girl, that's the spirit. Fake it 'til you make it. Tell yourself whatever you need to make sure you're pushing along. Because I've learned that no one or particular thing is ever going to motivate me like the way I can for myself. It's up to me, and no one else. I've got to do it for myself, and because I want to. So back to the topic of being productive on the weekends. It helps that I have a reason to leave my house every Saturday morning, and that always gets me moving. For the past two years, I've been tutoring a young student in writing every Saturday. She lives in Flushing, so it takes me a good hour-and-a-half to get to her house from Harlem. The length of the commute there is totally fine because I can catch up on my reading, but it's more just the unexpected track work and delays of the MTA and subways on Saturday mornings that really irritate me. But I actually truly enjoy spending the two hours of tutoring time with her every week, and look forward to it. On top of also being Korean-American from the same hometown, she attends the same junior high school as I did in Flushing. But it's not just from having similar roots that helps our bond, it's our personalities, too. She works really hard and has this openness to learning, and I'm grateful to be able to present any sort of guidance and help in whatever she needs. It's truly humbling, and always leaves me with a surge of positivity and hope in everything. She's just a good kid who gives a shit, and I like her energy. It's completely refreshing in a world where most of my interactions are with adults who sometimes don't seem like a good person, or like they give a shit. I feel like she and I have gotten to know each other well in the past two years, so we're able to laugh and enjoy ourselves during our sessions. I purposely never used to share too much personal info with her, but I decided to casually come out to her in a subtle way earlier this year, and wondered how she'd react. But when I did, she barely thought anything of it. And I realized it was more me who had the issues and reservations about it. Even a few months ago, I forgot why the topic came up, but as we were talking, when it came to saying the word gay, I whispered it instead of saying it out loud like the rest of my sentence. It was just instinct and something I was used to doing in order to protect myself and not cause any attention. I was afraid if her mom heard it, she might get upset. But then my student laughed and reassured me, "You know, you don't have to whisper that word! It's totally fine." I chuckled along with her like I totally knew, but in reality I was more getting over the feeling of registering the internalized fear I had when it came to the word. It's moments like that that clearly show me the progress that's been made from my generation to hers. Tutoring her is also great because I like having a reason to go to Flushing for a bit every week. It's comfortable and just feels so familiar like home. I'm normally done teaching her by the mid-afternoon, and will wander around Main Street alone to grab some food afterwards. I'll usually just pop-in somewhere easy like New World Mall or other places for dumplings or something I can eat on my feet. Or other times I'll sit down to have kimbap or soondae or donkatsu at this small spot on Union Street that's been there forever. It’s where I go to satiate any cravings for casual Korean food I had in the past week. I've come to like this Saturday routine, which allows me the rest of the weekend to go get drunk or even go back home to do nothing.
"I don't care what they think. 
I don't care what they say. 
What do they know about this love anyway?"

From the song Come To My Window by Melissa Etheridge.
"사랑을 했다,
우리가 만나,
지우지 못할 추억이 됐다."

From the song Love Scenario by iKON.

I've heard this song on so many Korean memes, and always thought it was by some older folk singer. I had no idea it was by a boyband.

Friday, September 14, 2018

I just want to go to Tai Pan Bakery, buy $30 worth of goodies, and make eating it at home in stretchy pants my only priority in life this weekend.

Thursday, September 13, 2018

Wednesday, September 12, 2018

Have you ever been craving something really badly, and then you actually get to eat it?

Like, wow, how cool is that? I sometimes still marvel at this ability.
Starting to read a new book is like the beginning of a fresh relationship. You have to get to know the writer and their writing style, and hit a point of finding your rhythm together. Just like people, sometimes the chemistry is there from the start, or sometimes the comfort level is found a few chapters in. Or then there are definitely the times where it doesn't happen at all, and seeing the book through to its end just doesn't seem possible.

Tuesday, September 11, 2018

Today marks the 17th anniversary of 9/11.

With my current office just blocks away from the World Trade Center, I sit here at my desk reflecting about all of the victims who perished that day, and all of the first responders and survivors whose health was negatively impacted in one way or another from it. It's so sad and humbling to think about. Rest in peace to all those who died, and for all who continue to fight for the freedom of our country, thank you for your service.

Monday, September 10, 2018

Saturday, September 08, 2018

There's this amazing clarity that comes with getting just a small taste of what you think you've wanted your entire life. It's from realizing that you've been wrong about it for years, and the feeling is so liberating.
It's never what you think. Like, ever.
The only thing I know to be true is the goodness I want to see more in the world.
I've come to realize that the ego is a lot more dangerous than self-doubt. It brings out the worst in people.

Wednesday, September 05, 2018

It had been a few weeks since I heard from my mom, so I decided to give her a call today around lunch time to say hi.

As soon as she picked up, the first thing she said was, "I can't believe you called me just now, because I was in the middle of writing you a text!"

And that was without a doubt, the highlight of my day.

Friday, August 31, 2018

The taste of kimchi dunked in the soup of ramen is the flavor of my childhood.

Thursday, August 30, 2018

Society and the Internet are playing one long miserable game of telephone.

Tuesday, August 28, 2018

Can we just go ahead and designate Memes as Time's Person of the Year?

Monday, August 27, 2018

The past few weeks or so.

"I was with my father at his end, as he was with me at my beginning."

Written by Meghan McCain about her father Senator John McCain.

Wow, what an absolutely beautiful thing to write. Rest in peace to Senator John McCain, an American hero.
It's the last unofficial week of summer, and I intend to maximize it as much as possible.

Friday, August 24, 2018

Let's act like I'm surprised.

Thursday, August 23, 2018

Wednesday, August 22, 2018

Tuesday, August 21, 2018

"Yo hold up, 
hold up, 
hold up, 
okay, hold up.
You see a bad bitch coming through, 
Yo, what’s the hold up?”

From the song Good Form by Nicki Minaj.

Saturday, August 18, 2018

Friday, August 17, 2018

"'I was going to school with a bunch of Marlboro-Menthol-smoking-North-Face-wearing-too-cool-for-school Asians, but had no idea who I was.'" 

Said by Awkwafina in the August 20, 2018 issue of The New Yorker. Written by Jiayang Fan.

Gosh, this is so damn true about growing up as an Asian kid in Queens back in the day.

Wednesday, August 15, 2018

"We always believed in messages through our music and we always believed in standing for something."

Said by T-Boz in the Netflix special: Once in a Lifetime Sessions with TLC.
"But if you can't look inside you,
Find out,
Who am I to?
Be in the position to make me feel,
So damn unpretty."

From the song Unpretty by TLC.
Change comes from being wrong. It comes from taking a chance, or being delusional. Change comes from running away. Change comes from getting wiser. Change comes from small things. But change does not come from playing it safe.

Tuesday, August 14, 2018

There’s nothing like the occasional typo to keep yourself mortified.

Sunday, August 12, 2018

"As the world turns,
the blunt burns."

From the song Ganja Burns by Nicki Minaj.

I have to get some work done today, and am so grateful to have Nicki's new album, Queen, to blast.

Friday, August 10, 2018

Thursday, August 09, 2018

I wore this shirt to work today for the first time ever, and totally ended up matching with my coworker Sarah.

Wednesday, August 08, 2018

"Now your scent on my pillow's faded.
At least you left me with something"

From the song Missing U by Robyn.

Saturday, August 04, 2018

Thursday, August 02, 2018

I'm lucky to have gone to the beach three times so far since I mentioned it in early July. I hop on the A train from my place uptown and it's just one long straight shot to Far Rockaway in Queens. Two of my beach days were by myself, and I love lying out there alone in a non-busy area. I have a beach umbrella I always bring with me, so vegging out there for hours is very easy. Although on my third time there, it was so windy that my umbrella wouldn't stay up. Since it takes me at least an hour and a half to get there, I always stay for a good amount of time. I see it as a full day commitment, and wasn't going to leave just because of the lack of shade. So after many years, it forced me to actually get some sun and a tan. I loved the wind and sun on my skin, I was totally content being there to feel far removed from the city.

Here are some pics from my trips so far that were taken on my phone. On the second outing, I had run out of beer and a guy selling these packaged booze drinks walked by. It was some sort of citrus flavor with gin, which was well worth the $10. For my third trip, I decided not to drink. Then I ran into a Mr. Softee ice cream truck on the walk back to the subway station. What I especially loved about this truck was how well maintained it was, and how all of the prices were clearly labelled. It had been years since I had ordered a milkshake from an ice cream truck, so I got my childhood favorite, a banana milkshake. After a long day at the beach, it was the perfect thing to gulp down. I was finished with it before I got to the nearby train station.

I am sick as a dog right now.

You know that old adage about remembering the good old times when breathing through your nostrils was possible? I am totally reminiscing and missing those good ol' days. I am mouth breathing so hard right now.

Wednesday, August 01, 2018

Tuesday, July 31, 2018

It's been over five years since I last wore a pair of jeans, and I haven't looked back since.

Monday, July 30, 2018

Wednesday, July 25, 2018

Tuesday, July 24, 2018

I went to a restaurant last week with a friend for some drinks and snacks. This was after coming from another bar, so we casually grabbed two stools near the entrance and ordered from there. Our server was completely nice and we had a good time with no problems. When the bill came, my friend and I split it equally, and we had decided that she'd pay all the tip on her card. I didn't feel like writing zero on the tip line of my check, so I wrote "friend" to let them know my gal pal was tipping for the whole bill. Then I checked the charge earlier today on my card, and the restaurant had totally overcharged me by adding on a large tip. I couldn't believe it. The receipt I signed had clearly indicated that my total payment was for the amount my card was charged, and nothing else. I called the restaurant today and someone on the phone helped credit me back my money. But what gets me is a year or so ago, I had gone to this restaurant and had the same exact problem happen. Even then, they overcharged me on the tip when I sat at the bar, and I had to contact them to fix it. In general, this has never happened to me at any other restaurant, ever. Maybe this is a coincidence, or maybe it's really not, but after thinking about what happened today, it's like, no thank you. There are too many other great places to go eat and drink at than deal with this.

Monday, July 23, 2018

All you've got to do is not eat that. That. Is. Your. Only. Challenge.
There's something about watching videos of people eating that brings so much comfort. It's the sounds that truly lure me in. The crunch of that initial chomp. Mouthfuls with a smile. The chewing as wet food becomes smaller with each bite. Swallowing in gulps. It's a body reinvigorated. And all these mukbang YouTubers talk about stuff, too. It's like, I'm out to eat with them and we're having a conversation. Only I can ignore them and drift in and out of what they're saying whenever I want while I mess around on my phone or computer. There are days where I truly do want to get absorbed by a series or movie, but then there are others where my brain does not have the bandwidth to do anything but tune out the world.
A tension.

Sunday, July 22, 2018

Handle it.
"I'm more interested in ideas than in recipes, if that makes sense."

From the Editor's Letter in the September 2018 issue of Bon Appétit magazine. Written by Adam Rapoport.

Monday, July 16, 2018

Wednesday, July 11, 2018

I've only recently started watching make-up tutorials on YouTube for fun. And all I have to say is, learning about what highlighters are and what they do has completely blown my mind.

Monday, July 09, 2018

Friday, July 06, 2018

My bedroom is too small to fit my desk, so I had to put it in my living room. And there's nothing like sitting alone at it with my computer while in a quiet room. It feels instantly different from the times of having it on my lap watching tv on the couch, or even when I'm being super lazy with it lounging in bed. There's no distractions. It's just the laptop at easy-to-see eye level forcing me to sit up and pay attention. Anytime the tv is on, it's bad for me because it becomes my main visual focus. It'll make me glance at my computer screen for a second before darting my eyes back up and away. I don't care how much more great technology gets invented, but my attention span can not be dissected between fighting elements. Especially when these actions differ so much from each other, and create an unnatural pair joined together only from convenience. One of them that I have to deal with the most is people walking down the sidewalk with their eyes glued to their phones. And I am not talking about functional usage, where you see someone writing something or doing something. This version is only slightly better because at least the person puts their phone away at some point or there's an end to their usage. But I'm talking about people who are scrolling nonstop or even watching a movie, or whatever videoclip, as the world continues to run around them. These are the people who slow everyone else down on the sidewalk without a care in the world. They're completely tuned in to a parallel dimension that leaves them incapable of accomplishing the simple feat of walking down the street. As one of the first few waves of collateral damage due to technology, perhaps sticking to walking and chewing gum remains a better fit for them.

It was the 4th of July a few days ago, so we're well into the summer right now. It's been good so far. I like feeling the warm weather and working up a small sweat from just being on the subway platform. The one thing I haven't done yet is go to the beach. It's been a few years since I've been, and I've never been an avid beachgoer here in New York in general. But I definitely want to go to one a few times this summer, so I'm looking forward to just laying out under a big umbrella and chilling for a bit at some point. Plans of going to the beach are really my only getaway plans for the season. I have no real plans to do anything else major, which is totally okay by me. Because there's something about the older I get, the more I know myself, and I like the options that come along with having no set plans.

Wednesday, July 04, 2018

What are the fireworks of the future? Because I think we're ready for it.
Pour you?
Poor, you.
To leave the house, or not leave the house?

Tuesday, July 03, 2018

Conversation in 2049
Person 1: Acronym. Acronym. Acronym. Acronym. Acronym.
Person 2: Acronym?
Person 1: Acronym. Acronym. Acronym. Acronym. Acronym. Acronym. Acronym. Acronym. Acronym. Acronym. Acronym. Acronym. Acronym. Acronym. Acronym. Acronym. Acronym. Acronym. Acronym. Acronym. Acronym. Acronym. Acronym. Acronym. Acronym. Acronym. Acronym. Acronym. Acronym. Acronym. Acronym. Acronym. Acronym.
You are what you scroll.
I love Aquaria.
Happy Friday! Okay, well at least the holiday week version.

With it being the 4th of July tomorrow, the city seems quiet today for a Tuesday. But I love it when national holidays fall on a Wednesday because it breaks up the workweek into two manageable parts.

Happy Independence Day and birthday, America! Have fun celebrating.

Monday, July 02, 2018

"There's nothing stronger than a broken woman who has rebuilt herself."

Said by comedian Hannah Gadsby in her Netflix stand-up special.

This comedy special is so good. It's not just about jokes, but as Hannah said, about sharing stories. Because the one imagined in our heads is purely fiction, and a version that we could never even imagine awaits.