Thursday, March 30, 2006


i feel so awful. i just want to crawl under my desk and stay there forever. i don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. i just feel horrible. i need to get away from evrything i know. i need to get the hell out of nyc. im afraid of what'll happen if i don't. damn, sometimes i scare myself because i have no answers.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

yeah yeah yeahs YEAH

new album is awesome. highly recommend it.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006


nothing new to gripe about today. last night i came home exhausted after not sleeping and went to bed for about 10 hours. i love sleep.

lately i've been riding the LIRR (long island railroad) waytoo much. i'm trying to only ride the bus and subway lately, no cabs, no lirr, no nothing. i plan to see just how long i can go with only using my metrocard.

and still no plans for summer. argh, its driving me crazy. there's about 5 weeks left for school, and i really need to plan what i'm doing. yeah. still gotta call my friend in alaska and see if i can stay at his house for the summer. i mean, it's a small ass town in alaska, but i think the change would do me good perhaps. we'll see. and plus its been ten years since i've been back, and i've always dreamed of going back. i just need to make money! interning just aint cutting it for me anymore.

today was a good day at work though. some artists came to the studio and we filmed a show w/ them. they were pretty funny. our vj said that thety reeked of alcohol, which is typically korean of them because they we started shooting at 10 in the morning. anyway, they used the script i wrote, well most of it at least, so i was pretty pleased. woohoo! one more thing to ad to my resume.

Monday, March 27, 2006

stupid sun

okay it's 6:30 and i'm pretty pissed that i wasn't able to fall asleep ALL damn night. wtf man, now i'm going to be tired and cranky all day.

i'm sooo tempted to call in sick, but we have a shoot today that i helped coordinate, and i should be there. god dammit.

damn my insomnia

took my sleeping pills at 8, hoping to be asleep by 11.

around 10:30 i felt sleepy for about ten minutes, that's it. now i'm wide awake and have been since. what the fuck, why can't i ever sleep when i should?

well, at least i'm getting some reading done.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

the truth

"i am gay."

why do those three words have so much control over my life? why does it create a wall between me and the life i've always wanted and between all the people i want in my life?

Friday, March 24, 2006

already friday

holy shit.

i can't believe it's already friday! spring break is over! this week went bt so fast, i didn't get anything done but whatever.

ok, no more getting stoned after this week.


Wednesday, March 22, 2006

home alone 55

wow, i can't believe its already wednesday. time flies when you're not having fun.

so, day three of my spring break. some friends came over last night and hung out for a bit so it was nice to have company. also, one of them ended up sleeping over so i wasn't so lonely.

it's wednesday and i'm sending in work at *CENSORED* that should've been sent in on monday. BLAHHHHHHHHH. i shouldn't be doing work! i'm tanning right now on the beach and drinking beer!

well, okay im not but of course they don't know that.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006



home alone 53

i guess this is the second installation of my spring break series.

just got back to the hotel after drinking 7 hurricanes and doing shot after shot of jose cuervo afterwards at the bar. cancun is crazy! wow. okay, well off to watch some wet t-shirt contests to see some more titties.

just kidding. but that's probably what most other college male spring breakers are blogging about.

i did nothing today but go to main street to run some errands in the afternoon. since then i have been home alone and am extremely bored. i've been watching a lot of tv and i realized that there is never anything good on to watch. it's better that i can watch logo without the thoughts of hitting the "return to last channel" button at the flick of a second, just in case someone in my family comes into the loving room and see's what i'm watching. but still, there's nothing to watch.

i realized that living alone in a house that used to have 4 other people, it's weird sometimes. it's different if you move into a new apartment alone, because you don't have any memories or events to compare to, but at an old place, you have everything to remember. all alone, i can only wonder how it was when both my sisters and parents and i were living here. those were some rough, dysfunctional times. yeah.

i feel extremely lonely. now i know how juju feels when she's home alone all day. (that's our dog). anyone want to sleep over? we can get stoned together and watch cable. i promise it'll be fun.

i've been doing a lot of thinking today. i can't recall about what, but i know i did.

oh yeah, if there was one thing i wish i could do, it would be to grow a beard. i wish i could grow a beard. this pathetic hair above my lip and on my chin is pathetic for a 23 year old, it looks like an 8th grader's fake mustache and goatee.

it's 1 something and i'm watching episodes of Roseanne on nick-at-night. this is my favorite all time show, i've watched every episode, except for the last 2 seasons because those were garbage. something about the show always made it so relatable, and roseanne is fucking hilarious.

sooooooooo. i'll talk about my upcoming summer. i still have no idea of what i'm doing.

i'm still stoned so i'm not sure if this entry makes any sense.

Monday, March 20, 2006

home alone 52

so, i'm in my living room, watching tv with the house to myself.

i brought out my laptop here since i'm mostly just watching tv out here. it's weird to be in my living room alone with my comp for some reason. can't describe it.

yeah, i don't think anyone else reads this. that's cool.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

cable tv and chinese food aka wet tshirt contests in the bahamas

well, my spring break has officially started.

i've been exhausted these past few days because i feel like i've been working so damn much. anyway, we did a shoot last night and one today, and wow i'm so looking forward to not coming into work. i just got home from today's shoot and my feet are killing me.

i wanted to go into detail about both shoots, but i suddenly don't feel like writing about. maybe next time.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006


i have a midterm paper due. i could write about anything investigative or where i interview at least 3 people for my piece, and i chose to chronicle my local laundromat that i've been going to for about ten years.

i just came back from the laundromat, i was interviewing people and washing my clothes. it's sad to say that even as a writer, this is really my first piece where i'm talking to total strangers and asking them questions. i was really nervous at first, but you know as soon as i started, it felt so natural. i loved talking to people and getting their opinions and their story.

anyway. i have this paper due tom by ten in the morning, and another midterm at 6 at night. between my two classes, i have a doctor's appt and i have to go to work. it's going to be a busy day.

but next week... starting next week i will be able to sleep all day and do as i please. here's to my last spring break!

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

nap a no-no

i just took like a 2-3 hour nap, and had the craziest dream ever. it was so weird because it felt so real and i was scared out of my mind. i guess it was more of a nightmare rather than a dream.

anyway, when i woke up it left me in a bad mood, which i'm still in. so maybe i'll write about it in detail next time.


wtf i spent $50 at duane reade today... damn, and all i got were razors, mouthwash, earplugs, tylenol pm, and some other small things. shit, that store must be worth millions in stock if my few items alone cost $50.

so my SR proposal is due tom. it's going to be a memoir. go me. i will finally have a reason to start writing my damn book.

it is yet to be titled though.

Friday, March 10, 2006


i feel angry and i dont know why.

i feel depressed and i dont know why.

i will sleep my troubles away.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

another day, another no dollar

class in the morning. work from 12-6. class from 6-8. yow, tired. damn... i cant wait until spring break in 2 weeks.

and no, i have no plans of going to the bahamas or cancun. in fact i dont even want to leave my fucking house. my parents are going on vacation that same week, their first vacation in like 10 years, and i plan to buy massive weed, rent movies, and stay home alone for 7 days straight. damn, its gonna be fun.

today, class was pretty fun. my professor seems to like me for some reason, and he's always trying to get me to write for the school paper. i think im too lazy to write for the school paper, even though i would love to do it. who knows.

anyway, i have my senior proposal due next wed and i have to start. shit.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006


why do magazines make me happy? books also, but i would say magazines more. magazines amaze me... if a new issue comes out on the news stands, it could totally make my day into a better one. pretty sad huh?

ive been waiting for the new Vanity Fair for awhile and wasn't expecting to get it until next week, when it's scheduled to come out. but i was in grand central today and saw it in the window of Hudson News and immediately went in and purchased one. yeah, its still in my bag, i've yet to read it because i'm so excited about it.


i can't sleep.

for the last 10 minutes i was rubbing my dog's stomach as she fell asleep on my bed.

sometimes i wonder what the hell she's thinking. i love dogs. they never cease to amaze me. when i get older, i want a golden lab. yeah, we're gonna be best pals.

anyway, i havent figured out what the fuck im going to do this summer. i have the option of staying at *CENSORED*, but for some reason it doesn't seem all that appealing to me. i want to go somewhere and just write. i want to stop being lazy and start my book already, even though i have no idea what it's going to be on. but yeah, this will be my summer... where i will be doing what i want. wherever i am, i want to take photography classes... that's a must.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

18 yesterday, 23 today

a very happy birthday to my friend judy. judy, even though i know you will never read this blog, (because i have yet to tell my friends about it), happy birthday. happy 23... i hope you live to have 100 more, i love you.

speaking of becoming 23, when the hell did this happen? i turned 23 last month and it's weird because i always think of myself as 18. that was the best year of my life i would say. i was so happy and went out all the time without worrying about stupid stuff.

now i can't even be in a crowded subway, let alone a bar or club, without having a fucking panic attack. is this what getting older means? ive also realized that i have hit the 1/2way mark until my 10th High School Graduation anniversary. WOW. holy shit... that's some scary ass stuff.

well, today i was in editing all day with *CENSORED*, the executive producer of *CENSORED*, and i watched along as he edited *CENSORED* performance at the *CENSORED* studios. all i have to say is, *CENSORED*, who hosted the show, is awesome and i wish i were best friends with her.

Monday, March 06, 2006


i think being gay is the lonliest thing in the world. i feel so alone... that no one will ever understand or get me, that i'm destined to die without having loved someone with all my heart...

working for *CENSORED*, i dont know. well, interning i mean, i dont know. i want to live alone in the woods and chop my own firewood and live off wild boar and caribou that i catch with my rifle. sometimes i feel so tired and sick of nyc. i cant do this place anymore. its the lonliest city in the world... and i just want to go far far away where i can live my own life and be happy.

but what if i go far away and live my own life yet im still unhappy? i wouldnt have an answer to my problems... no quick solution to what will make me happy and what i want in life.

i dont know. i just feel lonely and i wish i wasnt me. i wish i was born a wild horse, roaming land by myself and running free without a care in the world.

who knows what will become of me. i want just one person to fall in love with me and i want to change their life... i want to think that their life before and after meeting me is no way the same.

if only.

Sunday, March 05, 2006


who do i write for? i dont even know how to answer that question anymore.

anyway, me and jess went to kissena park today and ran about a mile. then we went to McDonalds through thr drivethrough and came over my house and ate. what a waste of time.

Friday, March 03, 2006

i promise

i promise that i will not delete this blog like i have for the tens of other ones i used to have. i have this bad habit of throwing stuff away, no matter what it may be, whenever i'm in a bad mood. it always makes me feel better. i usually just eye my room and look for stuff to toss. there's nothing better than seeing trash bags full of my old stuff that is heading for the garbage.

like usual, i'm going through one of my bouts of insomnia. buying stuff off itunes always helps, its like my crack... minus the pipe and lighter. i live for itunes. i love buying music. however, sometimes i get a little too excited and buy something i would never buy in a store.