Even though it's the weekend, I've been getting terrible sleep. Since Friday night, I've been falling asleep at a ridiculous late-night hour that feels more like my ideal time to wake up early and start my day on the right foot. I've also been having the weirdest dreams the past few days and opening my eyes to this heaviness and exhaustion.

After waking up today, I lied in bed for a bit not sure of what to do with my thoughts or my day. I used cleaning my room as a reason to get motivated and on my feet, and as I was Swiffering my floor with Natalie Merchant's Tigerlily album playing in the background, my phone rang—it was my good friend Annie calling. 

Annie and I have been close since high school and she's been living in Seattle for a while now. Honestly, at our age, with most people having life partners, kids, and generally, different interests, it's natural that all friendships evolve or fizzle out. And that's totally okay, because as we get busier with more responsibilities, that's just how life works. I could say that outside of my core group of friends, it's inevitable that I've become mutually untethered from most other people I used to know, and now keeping in contact through Instagram likes is more than sufficient. If there's nothing left connecting us or no longer any genuine effort put forth into friendship, people grow apart and move on and there's nothing wrong with that. But that's why I'm so thankful to the forever friends who do check in on me to make sure I'm doing alright. Annie has always been one of those friends, and is one of my dearest pals who genuinely knows me so well (and vice versa). Getting her call today couldn't have come at a better moment. We gabbed for about an hour-and-a-half and she helped me with a lot of the mental blockers and stuff I've been recently trying to process. By the time we hung up, I was feeling much better about everything.

Afterwards, I got some air from a walk and have been vegging at home doing absolutely nothing since.

Now, Sunday is nearing its end and it's time to mentally prepare for my upcoming workweek.

Alright, it’s 1:40am and I’m mentally ready to start the night portion of my day now.

Either I lie in bed with my phone or click clack away on my comp here (also in bed).

I wish I could eat some jeon rn.

I forgive myself for the fictitious mistakes I made today which exist only in my head.

Radiator lullaby,

in the background while I cry.

My room suddenly smells like shumai at this late hour and it’s making me wish I had some.

Whenever anyone tells me they’re sleeping well right now, I can’t help but feel jealousy and wonder.

It’s just been truck after semi truck after truck after semi truck going to and from the GWB.

The cold side of the pillow,

listening to chill 90s Korean music,

been so tired all day,

slept only a few hours yesterday,

but in bed right now,

feeling dread,

if I lived alone,

I’d probably just start getting tanked,

or uncomfortably full,

good thing I’m not,

because it’ll wake the roomie, 

I hate having to use the bathroom at night,

small apartment,

big anxiety,

sirens nonstop,

I refuse to rot,

keep thinking dumb shit,

gonna pop,

it’s past 3 now,

horns on the avenue still honk,

people yelling on the street,

I wonder who else is up,

with similar thoughts.

My heart is beating out of my chest.

Dear Ambien,

Do I mean nothing to you anymore?

 I forgot how to fall asleep.

It’s 3:30am and I am still scrolling on my phone in bed. I’ve been having a lot of trouble sleeping the past few weeks. Then there are nights like yesterday where I had so many weird nightmares and kept waking up in the few hours of sleep I was even able to get.

Hello, world. Checking in here. Today is Halloween, and I have to say that this holiday is starting to feel more like a summer thing. It feels hot outside. I had a productive day at work. I have half a cinnamon roll I didn't finish from lunch resting right by computer right now here at home. But I think I'm more in the mood for a Korean cup ramen if anything. There are officially two months left in the decade. Yes, the motherfucking decade. I get lost in that thought sometimes, but then I'm like who cares. Can I tell you about my current obsession for sleep? It's funny because I've had insomnia for the majority of my life, and all of a sudden I am tired everyday and can't get enough sleep. All day, I dream about that moment when I can crawl into bed and lie vertically under the covers. And then when it happens, I whisper to myself, wow, dreams do come true. I was thinking there needs to be an earphone/headphone outreach program for all those people who watch their videos and listen to their music out loud on the subway. They gotta know that there's help out there for them. Also, did you know that during the peak of rush hour, there are people who walk slowly in the subway stations and underground tunnels (where literally hundreds of commuters are trying to get by) with their heads down staring into their phones? I kid you not, this is very true. I guess some people are just not in a rush to get to work. That's cool and all, but could they just like step to the side so others can move along with their life. Seriously. Also, did you know there are no scallops in scalloped potatoes?! I discovered that at work the other day, and it truly blew my mind. I could not stop laughing about it. Even now it makes me giggle. Lately, I think about Meg Thee Stallion a lot throughout my day. I wonder what she's doing, what her and Jonathan are up to, and if she's giving her bodyguard Justin some more shit for eating Fig Newtons. Her music is everything right now.

It's Monday afternoon here in Seoul.

My sleep schedule has been really wonky the past few days or so, but I finally got a good night of sleep yesterday and am feeling a bit more clearheaded today.

I ate kalguksu last week at a place in Yeonhui-dong, and it was so good. Kalguksu is a traditional Korean comfort food that's pretty much a noodle soup. The broth can be made with a variety of things such as chicken or seafood, but I ate a version made from beef bones. I really liked it because the hand cut noodles are made from wheat flour, and I could taste the starch from the noodles in the soup. The combination of the thick, milky broth with slight depth from the carby noodles was straight up delicious. I'm still thinking about it even days later. Kalguksu is also traditionally served with fresh kimchi, which is supposed to be eaten within 7 days of being made and isn't fermented. I've actually always loved this type of kimchi my whole life, and preferred it to the regular kind. The entire meal just totally hit the spot.

But what I'm seriously craving right now is a decent haircut. I really need a good fade to feel freshened up and clean.

"We met at a bookstore!" said no couple ever in all the history of bookstores.

Feel free, for a fee.

It's pretty late and I can't sleep. That's when I suddenly remembered an interview or podcast I recently listened to, where the interviewee talked about always having insomnia. She mentioned how she one day made the decision to start staying busy by doing something until her body would literally want to go to sleep.

It's past 4am, and that's where I'm at now.

Drinking too much always has me stuffing my face afterwards.

Stuffing my face leads to not being able to sleep.

Not being able to sleep results in tossing-and-turning for hours.

Tossing-and-turning for hours means my thoughts overtake me.

And it's only Monday night.

Kudos to making good decisions!