Tuesday, May 31, 2011

i'm pretty sure i have a spirit/ghost that's been following me for a few years now.

i can't even remember when this first started, but for at least the past five years or so, there have been countless times where i've been standing on a subway platform back in nyc and i would feel this sudden tug on my bag. it always comes from behind, so i would quickly turn to see who the hell is tugging at me but there would be no one there. it always just made me think "what the fuck" because it was so random. i often doubted myself as well and questioned if i actually felt anything because there's no way anyone could disappear from behind me that fast.

then i started watching this reality show called psychic kids and it completely made me believe in spirits and all that stuff.

anyway, so i was walking down the street today right near my soi and i totally felt the tug again. before today, i honestly can't remember if it's happened since i left nyc almost a year ago, but it's so weird for it to take place here.

i like to think that maybe it's trying to protect me and keep me from harm? but regardless, i definitely believe it exists.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

man, i sure am missing nyc right now.
real men cry.

almost a decade ago, something truly devastating happened in my life that left me emotionally numb for years. i was unable to emotionally express myself and incapable of releasing any inner sentiments, which left me feeling desensitized and frustrated inside. when others around me cried, i often felt irritated and didn't understand what the hell the big deal was---annoyingly asking, "so what?" in my head was a common reaction i had to others around me and empathy or compassion were novel traits that i lacked. while i veiled my feelings with indifference and stoicism and paralyzed the pain with a wide range of vices instead, i felt like i was the normal one and thought that others around me were just being emotional for no reason.

i'm not sure when things started to change for me, but i think i've come full-circle since then. it all started a few years ago, and i think there's a few factors behind it. for starters, i've gotten older and matured in many ways, allowing me to see so things differently and become the person i've always truly meant to be and been inside. another is that my environment has transformed, and i feel like much of the anxiety i've lived with because of my external circumstances has subsided, therefore permitting me to learn what my healthy forms of emotional releases and outlets are.

i cry (actually it's more like get slightly teary-eyed because it's all i can produce) on occasion now, but i noticed that it's usually not from sadness, but more from happiness or being emotionally moved in some way. i cry when i think about how much i love my sister, or when i watch a film that helps me learn something about myself. i cry when i think about all the happy moments i've been able to experience in life thus far, or when i feel like emotionally connected to someone and understand their pain. i also cry when i tell the close people in my life "i love you," or when i feel at peace with myself.

what prompted me to write about this is something that happened earlier tonight during dinner with a friend. she was telling me a wonderful story about her father, who's since passed away, from when she was a young girl and it moved me so much that i started to tear. it's funny because she was startled by my reaction, and reassured me there was no reason to cry since it was a happy story...

but i wasn't embarrassed at all. when i think back to that dreadful time in my life where i was emotionally null of all feelings, i'm certain that that was a lot more humiliating than currently shedding a tear every now-and-then.

thank you life, for allowing me to experience empathy and compassion.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

i want to scratch my mosquito bites until i see blood.
i need to fill this void with positive things.
j.crew + new balance seems to be the perfect combination for my life right now.

Friday, May 27, 2011

it's hard to believe, but the first week of june will not only be my six month anniversary since arriving in bangkok, but it will also mark my one year anniversary since leaving nyc. wow, time really does fly. after the beginning of next month, my time in thailand will also have surpassed my time in korea and that in itself is such a huge shock.

i was thinking about it the other day, and my life here is so different than when i first arrived. i'm happy to say that most of the changes have been one step forward in some way, so i'm more than humbled by it all.

while i used to have nothing to do all day, i now tutor some korean kids in writing, and holy shit what an experience it's been. it's really interesting to cross over into the vast and eclectic world of korean immigrants in bangkok and step into their universe. i would say one of the more interesting parts is having to interact with all the mothers. only one that i've met is really annoying and the others are all really nice. some of them even sometimes feed me and give me things like kimchee to take home---it's really generous of them. when i enter these people's homes, i often have moments where i think, "what the hell---how the hell did i end up here??" and feel like i'm living through an episode of the twilight zone. some of the circles of families are the same or even similar, but some of their worlds are really different and i wonder if they would be connected in any other way other than through a writing tutor.

most of the kids are sweet and i like teaching them, but of course others are more challenging to work with. sometimes i look at my students and i can really picture what kind of person they're going to be as adults---from their faces to their personalities, i can foresee it all. it's been very long time since i've worked with children, and i have to say it's refreshing at moments. their way of thinking and goals in life are really interesting to hear about and it makes me want to tell and teach them all the lessons that would have helped me as a kid...

but then i think, i'm just their writing instructor---what the hell do i know?

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

laos was tons of fun, but it feels really good to be back in bangkok.

this was my third trip to laos, and i'm so happy and grateful that my friend jaeyang decided to come along with me because if he hadn't, i would've been bored out of my mind. from the time we departed bangkok until the point we returned, our excursion was only about 80 hours or so, but we spent over 30 of those hours in transit. in addition to checking out the laos capital of vientiane, we also went to a popular spot called vangvieng. vangvieng is about a 3-4 hour bus ride from the capital and if i had only one word to sum up our time there, all i can say is WOWWWWW.