Sunday, December 30, 2007

sometimes i feel like i'm 18 and living my life for the first time.

i've had so many first-time life experiences within the past year, especially the past 4 months, and with each passing day i'm learning so much more about myself.

i finally am no longer living with my parents, and feel this indescribable weight has been lifted off my shoulders. i feel like i can finally be myself and live my life how i want. no more hiding my life behind my room door. no more talking in a monotone voice because that's how i naturally speak if i'm not 100% comfortable. no more soul-sucking commute. no more having to pretend that i am someone that i'm not.

i've been living in the Upper East Side since november and it's great and all, but everything's so temporary and i've been living out of trash bags filled with clothes- i haven't really unpacked anything else. i dont cook here or have any of my stuff out. i basically watch tv, sleep, shower, and that's pretty much it. i was originally staying here with the intentions of moving out with a close friend in january, but those plans fell completely through so i had to find other living arrangements. i looked on craigslist and found a bedroom in a 2-bedroom apartment in astoria, queens. my future roommate seems normal and nice, and i'm hoping that we don't have any problems living together. i guess we'll just have to see. there's no living-room in the place and the only common areas are the bathroom and kitchen, which is fine with me, i usually like being alone when i'm home and can be found in my room anyway. it's going to be exciting to feel like i finally have a home again, somewhere i can just go and relax. i can't wait to have a place to call my own... plus, i don't have a lease which is good because if any living arrangements with friends come my way, i'll be able to take them into careful consideration.

another of many lifetime-firsts in the past few months is dating. i've been seeing people here and there and have been having a great time. for the first time i've been able to meet others that i hit it off with, and have met some really nice guys. i think it's taken me 24 years to date because i probably wasn't truly ready before. now, i feel confident about myself and my life, and maybe it shows in my walk or how i carry myself, but i guess others seem to notice. it probably also has to due with the fact that i've lost a substantial amount of weight, and haven't ever felt this attractive in my adult life. it's so exciting to go out and talk to people. whereas in before, i would go out and spend hours somewhere and not speak to anyone new. or if i was introduced to new people, i'd always be jaded and do the whole "be cold to everyone and you won't get hurt" thing.

this is the first year where i feel like i've truly gotten to know and love my sister as a sibling, woman and just as a normal person. i feel that coming out to here was a huge step in this because before i did, i always thought that i never really liked my sister. and i absolutely know in my heart that i felt like that because i didn't ever want to get close to her and let her know that i was gay. but with nothing to hide now, i feel i'm being a true brother to her for the first time in our lives. now we talk all the time and i tell her absolutely EVERYTHING that's going on in my life, haha but i'm not sure if that's a bad or good thing in her opinion. i feel this amazing bond with her that i feel only siblings can feel- we just completely get each other. imagining my life without her or thinking about having the type of relationship that we used to have just makes me so sad, and i know that'll never happen. i'm truly so happy and proud of the woman she's become, and can't wait to see what the rest of our lives have in store for us.

this is also one of the first years in my life where i finally didn't just find a job, but i found a career. working at my current job is just an absolute dream, and i feel truly blessed. i know that i'll be here for a while, and it's such an awesome place to learn and start what will hopefully be a long career.

there are so many other things that has happened, but i'll leave that for later entries.

i hope everyone has a safe and enjoyable new year's.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Thursday, December 20, 2007

this has been the longest work week i've ever had.

one more more day!

Sunday, December 16, 2007

i don't think i've ever written about my dog, Juju.

one day in 1999, my sister came home with this tiny little chihuahua, a poor street dog who had almost no teeth and had definitely lived a hard life. we didn't know where she came from or even how old she was- everything about her past was a complete mystery. my family had never had a dog, and at first it was difficult to embrace Juju and open our hearts to her. she seemed more of an inconvenience than anything else. feeding her and taking her outside were all chores that we didn't want to do, especially my parents. they seemed indifferent about her and my mom always seemed a bit afraid of this tiny little dog who constantly shivered and always wanted her tummy rubbed. but with time, everything changed and we grew to love Juju as another member of the family. my dad especially came to love her the most, and became the most protective of her. he fed her, bathed her, took her to the vet once every three weeks, and could be found every morning at 6 AM, walking her.

i loved it when Juju would sleep in my room. she was so tiny and always liked to sleep on my pillow. every morning when i woke up, i would open my eyes to see her curled up into a little ball, with her soft fur touching my cheek. another thing she'd always do is whenever i was stomach down on my couch, she would curl up into a little ball between my thighs and take a nap.

on friday, juju had to be put to sleep. her old age had caught up to her and on top of slowly losing her eyesight, she hadn't been able to eat or use the bathroom for the past 4 days. she stayed up all night crying and wasn't able to do much else. my dad took her to the vet and was told by the doctor that there was nothing that could be done to help her, and that she was in a lot of pain. he suggested putting her to sleep but my dad refused. he took her to another doctor for a second opinion and was told the same thing. he reluctantly accepted the truth and knew what had to be done...

i'll miss you Juju, r.i.p. thanks for sharing your life with us and enriching our family in a way that is describable beyond words.

Saturday, December 08, 2007

i had dinner at lil frankies today. if you're ever downtown around 1st ave and houston and in need of a place for dinner, look no further! the food here was amazing, and the prices are very very reasonable.

i also wanted to share a boring story about the anna sui t-shirt i'm wearing. it was given to me awhile ago by judy (girl with bangs), who happens to be one of my closest friends and a designer at anna sui. the t has a picture of a very sexy woman with her boobs kinda popping out. well, i decided to wear it on friday because i have casual fridays at work, and i choose the day to express myself with clothes i would never be able to wear mon-thurs. i get to my office and ask one of my coworkers about what she thought. while she said it was great and loved the design, she mentioned it might not be the best thing to wear around the office. hearing that instantly made me paranoid, and it's funny because right after that happened, i was walking to pick something up at the printer and i saw the Editor-In-Chief of the magazine standing right in front of me. i instantly crossed my arms and ran to the bathroom to flip the t inside out and wore that until the clock turned 6. yes- i know, boring story indeed.

Monday, December 03, 2007

here are a few pics from the weekend. it's been a while since i brought out my camera.

Sunday, December 02, 2007

i love sunday mornings like today.

waking up and lazily lying in bed while watching the snow fall outside my window is the greatest way to start a new day.