Sunday, April 30, 2006


the weather outside looks amazing and i'm probably going to go out soon. i'm torn between going into the office to get some work done, or just doing some shit i need to get done. because i figure i'll be working a lot this week anyway, so i might as well enjoy my days off. BUT, i know i have a lot to do and going in today to do some stuff would help with my workload tomorrow.

so yesterday was pretty fun. went to this fun housewarming/ fundraiser thing with a few friends. i was reluctant to go because i'm not really comfortable at those kid of places, but it turned out to be fun. initially i wanted to leave because there were so many people, but after it thinned out a little, things got better.

afterwards went to a friend's bday party in the city at this place called Prey. man, that place really sucks. it was so damn crowded and the music there really sucks. my friend got a bottle of johnny but i was still too fucked from the night before so i opted not to drink.

after prey my friends wanted to come over to my office and watch korean music videos so we were there till like 3 in the morning pigging out on food and just hanging out.

my life is pretty boring.

Saturday, April 29, 2006


man i had a rough night yesterday. drank way too fucking much, yuck!

i haven't been this hungover in a real long time. so i woke up today and even though i have no recollection of it, i apparently barfed on my floor right by my bed. i woke up to a big heap of throwup that i had to clean.

yeah, time to ease up on the bottle again.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006


What in life really matters?

All the stressing that you do on a daily basis, will it really matter?

I don't know. I'm not trying to cop out from my job or anything, but what the hell is all of this ever going to matter in my life? Maybe it's the principal of having diligence in doing all things you're supposed to get done, but sometimes I wonder about the point of half the things I do.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006


today's been a good day. i will not be talking about my miserable and overly stressed worklife, but instead will talk about three things that have been racing through my mind within the past hour.

my grandfather was admitted into the hospital a few days ago and almost died. he had some sort of emergency surgery and his life was saved, thank goodness. it's weird to think of my grandfather as this old man who might soon leave this earth. he's always been the patriarch of my family. his word is law, and that's just the way it is. everything he says is always deeply respected by my family, because he's such a strong willed man who overcame so much in his life to let it become what it is today. the image of him being rushed into the hospital is hard to picture, because all my life he's been very actively, both physically and mentally. i would say his english is better than my parents' because he's been studying it since he emigrated here with his family in the 70s. i grew up with him in alaska, and througout my childhood, every saturday he would make my siblings and i go to korean school to learn how to read, speak, and write it. he would let us know that we are korean, and that we should be proud of who we are. he cared for his grand kids so much. when my cousin went to jail back around 97, my grandfather was hit the hardest out of everyone. i was told he cried and cried because he was so sad about it. even with my cousin in jail, my grandfather continued to write him on a regular basis, giving him encouragement... it's touching to think about it... this old man, who live in alaska, a lifetime away, keeps his grandkids in his thoughts constantly. i feel so guilty about living my life and not realizing that he is the man that gave me the life i have today. if he hadn't decided to emigrate to america, his sons, one of which is my dad, would still be in korea. it's weird to say i love him... because... well, it's just complicated.

the second thing i want to talk about is my friend's mother. he's one of my closest and dearest friends i have, and i truly value his friendship. my friend's mother is pretty religious, and whenever i meet her she tells me she's praying for me and thinks about me. i've heard that a lot in my life, and honestly i never believed people when they said that. i figured they were just saying that to say it. but earlier today i called my friend and his mother picked up because she had his phone for some reason. we made small talk and she invited me to go to church with her one sunday, that god loves me and that he helps everyone who seeks his help. she then said that she's been praying for me, and then before she hung up said, "tae-ya... i love you..." i was touched she said that. it caught me by surprise, but i now know that she's not the type of person who says things like that for the sake of saying it. i believe her. i believe in the power of love. i'm not saying that i will go to church and become a devout christian. but this i will say. there are some really great people out there....

the last thing i'll talk about today is my sister. it's been almost 4 years since i have seen and spoken to her. i miss her. i miss having her in my life. i'm so tired of hating, it takes a lot of energy. but then i think forgiving her would take even more energy. i still think about why she's not in my family's life anymore... thinking about it scares me because blood means nothing to some people, and i don't understand how they can disregard family so easily. i suddenly feel very sad.

Sunday, April 23, 2006


last night was pretty crazy. went to 4 different places and ended up at Camel to finish off the night. i had a lot of fun, i think i drank too much. seriously woke up hungover this morning.

today has been such a lazy ass sunday. it's not even 9 but i want to sleep soon.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

losing control

my friend's picking me up in about 25 minutes to go to the city for my friend jess' bday. we're having dinner at sapa and then probably heading over to koreatown for a few drinks and maybe go party.

shit, okay gotta go get ready.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006


i have no idea of what has come of me this past week. on saturday i got extremely drunk and lost a VERY VERY important notebook for work. it's basically my notebook that i kept ALL my notes for the channel in. and after my drunken debauchery on sat, i realized i sunday that it was nowhere to be found. i had everything else in my bag other than that damn notebook, and also this anthony face lotion. but fuck, i couldn't believe i had lost it.

so now, im putting all my stuff away and i can't seem to find my wallet. i'm hoping i left it in my friend's car, and am waiting for her to call me back after she's looked in her car, but i really CAN NOT believe that imight have lost it. just the fact that i don't have it in my possession this moment really upsets me because i pride myself on never losing my shit. but fuck man, how dumb can i get? ahhh. its not the money i care about, it's my 2 drivers licenses that i had in it. damn, i don't want that shit floating around, it makes me extremely paranoid.

ahhhh. im such an idiot.

anyway. i can not believe it's wednesday night already. shit, when you have so much to do, the days just fly by.

Monday, April 17, 2006


damn, haven't had enough time to come here and blog for a few days.

mmm i swear i always think of all these great anecdotes and funny stories to write about that's happened to me, but yeah, can't think of any at the moment.

soo, i'll write about saturday night. my channel had this joint party and man it was crazy. well first of all, on sat i was up early and left my house by 10 to run errands alllllll day. seriously, running back and forth to get the flyers printed at kinkos, other work related things for the party, and also i met up with my friend from school because we're writing an investigative paper together. we went to jackson heights to do some reporting, and man, that in itself was crazy.

basically, our story is about fake IDs, and jackson heights is like the #1 destination in the east coast for people who want fake IDs, passports, greencards, whatever. so there's me and my friend who's this cute girl and when we went to all these places to get things, everyone thought we were narcs. but we did manage to hook up with these sketchy ass people who wanted to take us to this room to show us the IDs, but we realized that it was getting too dangerous. yeah, i felt extremely paranoid and knew we were being watched, either by other sketchy people on the team of people who make fake IDs, or by the cops who are always patrolling that neighborhood.

yeah, it was a great experience.

anyway, off to read.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

"she works hard for her money..." damn right i do!

work work work work work work work. yayyyyyy.

was at the office until 2 am today, getting some shit done. blah. we did some interviews today for staff and theres so many people who want to work for the company. yeah, i guess i feel lucky to have my job.

but i have absolutely no time for anything else. cant even fucking to to jack spade to buy that new bag i want.

we have all these auditions tomorrow for on air people. should be interesting, gonna enjoy watching the people squirm.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

"mmm what, what was i talking about?"

throughout the days i always think of so many things to blog about for when i come home. but then i get home and i've forgotten everything and no longer feel like writing, i hate that.

anyway, i recieved my company email and phone number today, so that was exciting, on top of everything else.

tomorrow is wednesday, and then the weekend is just around the corner. wow. time flies.


been such a busy busy day. i knew this job wouldn't be easy. ugh. i dont know.

anyway, tired, just got home. it's going to be a long 2 months.

Sunday, April 09, 2006


i got a haircut today. it's back to my usualy short length, i look and feel much cleaner.

Friday, April 07, 2006


you know it's taking longer than i expected for me to adpat to the New York Times' new website. i find myself automatically X-ing my safari when i'm on it. all the stories seem so hard to find on it. and i'm not that interested in watching video clips. hopefully i'll get used to it soon.

so i just talked to my friend in alaska. he's probably my oldest friend, i've know him for ten years now. it's weird bc we talk only once or twice a year, but whenever we do it's so fucking natural and it's like we've been hanging out everyday. i say that's how you can tell who a true friend it. i told him about my new job, and that my plans to go back and visit him alaska are now not realistic since i'm tied dow to work.

i just finished writing up some work for this focus group i'm throwing for our channel. ugh, so much to do. but, "Happy happy!" that's what my boss says when he produces shows. before he yells action, he always says "HAPPY HAPPY!" to the talent. haha i love it.

anyhoo. that is all for today.

i can not wait until the weekend. now i realize why the weekend is so damn important. i actually kind of want to go out and have some fun, just because i feel like i need to relieve some stress. but you know what, we'll see...

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

blah 7

you know i wish i was really creative enough to come up with a catchy title for each entry i make, but im just too lazy.

well aside from that, today i had a meeting with a few of the top people from the network and it has been confirmed, i will be the programming director. in fact, immediately after the meeting, my workload has started. its crazy. im thinking of getting a blackberry because i'm sure that i will live off email from now on, it will be an imperative part of my life.

after work i went to koreatown and had dinner with my sister. i thought about coming out to her,but i don't think neither one of us are ready to deal with it. i know im not, even though i wish i was, and i know she's not. yeah.

its crazy because i still have class to go to... and i dont know how im going to manage everything until the end of the semester. im scared. even for tom morning, i have a ton of reading to do, on top of work stuff. this is definitely going to be a stressful time in my life.

after dinner with my sister, one of my good friends picked me up from the city and drove me home. i was so grateful because i'm beyond exhausted. i woke up at 5:30 this morning to go do my laundry before i went to work. i like doing laundry in the morning sometimes. no ones ever at the laundromat, and it's a bit serene there. i guess since i did write a whole fucking paper on my laundromat, it does hold a special place in my heart. pretty corny, huh? a fucking laundromat holding a special place in my life, haha.

okay on a side note, i realize i'm already starting to bitch too much about work. i'll try and keep that to a minimum.

with what's coming in the months ahead, i think one of the things that will be most upsetting is my reading time. i usually like to read as much as possible during the week, and i realize i have no leisure time for that anymore. whenever i can be reading a book or magazine, i can be reading documents and other work related stuff. all my New Yorkers and New York magazines will have to be put aside for the next 3 months.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006


so i woke up today feeling totally nauseous. ever since i was told the news yesterday, i'm constantly nauseous and always on the verge of throwing up. well, at least i feel like throwing up. i had breakfast today at my house and on my bus ride to main street, i felt like i was going to puke everywhere. at work today i felt all day that someone was going to come up to me and tell me that there was some mistake that's been made. that i was wrongly promoted, and that i should forget everything i've been told. honestly if that happened i would be relieved, and kind of happy. but of course it didn't. anyway, i was on the bus coming home today and i realized that i shouldn't be so nervous. i thought about new bus drivers, and how nervous they must be on their first days on the job. they're responsible for the lives of every person that on their bus, and that's a lot to handle. then i tried to think of other jobs that hold more responsibility, and if they fucked up, then the consequences would be more dire than getting canned. well, there's a million of them, i'm sure you can think of some yourself. work today didn't feel any different than any other day. that's because other than one person in the office, no one really knows about my promotion, or at least i don't think they do because no one's said anything to me or seems to be acting different. also, since everyone still assumes i will forever be an intern, they're still givin me the same work as always. however, **** did not talk to me all day. it's not like she went out of her way to not talk to me, but there were a few opportunities where she could have but didn't. i on the other hand said hi and bye to her because her desk is right by the door, and i have to pass her when coming in and out. so, i have a meeting tomorrow at ten, then one at eleven. and plus i have to wake up at like 5:30 in the morning to go do my laundry before i leave my house. ugh... the life.

Monday, April 03, 2006

whoa nelly

today has been such a fucking surreal day. i told my one of my bosses that i was going to go into work late today because i worked like 9 hours on saturday and had shit to do. so i wake up and go pick up my paul smith shoes that i dropped off last week at the shoe repair place to get rubber fitter on the soles so i won't slip when i wear them. i come back home to drop them off and then go to soho to visit my old workplace, the chocolate store, which i haven't had time to visit in months. it's always nice to go back there because i'm still pretty much friends with most of the workers, so we always have a good time catching up. at about 1 i go to work and go to my cubicle and am told that one of the main people of our division wants to speak to me. i'm kind of like, "fuck!" because i had this powerpoint thing to do today and i didn't do it. so yeah, i go into the office and he asks about the powerpoint thing but i tell him that i was writing a paper all weekend so i couldn't get to it. he says it's no biggie and to hand it in later today. so then he starts asking me about my summer plans, and when my internship is finished. and let me just say that this is THE NICEST fucking guy i've ever worked for. soo nice, like i can't get over how much of a good person he is. so then he starts talking about the new channel launching in june and whatnot, and this is the kicker. he offers me to the position of program director, which is the head person of the channel. like the HEAD person, meaning that i will be the boss of people and all that shit. i couldn't believe it because... well im only 23, started interning here in january, and don't fucking know diddily squat about running a tv station. but then he reassures me that i will be taught everything i need to know, and that yes it's going to be insane and a lot of work, but that the position is mine if i want it. of course i say yes and for the rest of the day, i'm in awe. ME? running a fucking tv station on a network that is probably one of the LARGEST in the whole world.... wow.... even to think about it now is crazy. so, no one in the office knows and for the rest of the day, i walk around TOTALLY nauseated and am about to barf at any given moment. i swear, lately i get so nauseated from the littlest things. if i was a girl and having sex, i would believe i was pregnant, that's how bad it is. i can't believe, i'm gonna be program director of the channel. weeeeeeeeeeeee. i have total creative control of most of everything, and it's fucking madness! madness i tell you. but of course, there is a downside to all this. **due to legal and other issues, i will never use real names of coworkers and never reveal the company i work for. i've gone ahead and deleted all the times i've referenced it in this blog already** the downside to all this is, i don't think other people in the office are going to be very thrilled. i've barely been there compared to a lot of workers. also, there's a girl who i work with, we'll call her ****. **** is the program director for a sister channel, and i will be doing what she's doing now for the new channel. anyway, i've never really liked ****. **** isn't a nice person and has a lot of seniority in the office and i feel like she knows that and uses it to abuse people sometimes. so **** just turned 30, and i will be doing her job at 23. today i quietly approached her and told her that our boss, we have the same one, wants to start training me to do what she's doing for the new channel. now, up until now, **** has always been nice to me. i've seen her yell at bitch at other people for no reason, but she would never do that to me for some reason. she's always been nice to me, but honestly how could i like someone like that? well, i don't. so i told **** about my new job and basically am making nice and tell her that i'm going to have so many questions for her in the upcoming months and that i have EVERYTHING to learn. when i tell her, she looks like she got hit by a dump truck. and then she scoffs and gives me a "what the fuck are you smoking?" look because she doesn't believe me. then she goes back to her desk and starts emailing me questions that she's fucking asked me already like a million times. basically, if i'm graduating in may. i respond with no. she then asks when. then i say december, and she never responds nor talks to me for the rest of the day. WHAT THE FUCK. ugh, i know she's not going to make this new job easy for me. and the thing is, i NEED to learn everything from either her or one other guy. so the two of them will me my new teachers, even though i know they both probably despise me. but ****, i don't know, she's unpredictable and i'm think she's going to make the learning process for me as hard as possible. we'll see.... but yeah, in all honestly, i'm fucking scared. really scared shitless... this is the first professional paying job i will have and it's such a huge position, i do not want to fuck it up. i know that in the upcoming months, this job will become my life. anyway, i will be sure to update all the time now. i have no other outlet to bitch about work now. i feel bad doing it to my friends since i'm getting paid and shit, so i will do it here. cheers.

fucking sleep

i took sleeping pills around 9 today to sleep early, but it's been 5 hours and i'm wide awake.

anyway, i just wanted to blog about *CENSORED* magazine. i used to intern there last year, and i fucking HATED my boss. she was a total bitch to me who made all these empty promises and treated me like shit. even on my last day, she was in a different room when i left and i didn't even bother walking in to say bye to her.

so yeah, anyhoo, i have learned that after the May 2006 issue, the magazine will become defunct. YES, DEFUNCT, *CENSORED* will no longer exist.

when first hearing this, i couldn't believe because the magazine is doing extremely well and sales and circulation are pretty good. i thought of my own theory as to why it's getting shut down. my first thought was Men's Vogue. Men's Vogue has only released two issues so far, and anna wintour herself is one of the editors, so i'm thinking that since conde nast already has GQ, they want *CENSORED* out and want to take all their readers and hopefully have them crossover to Men's Vogue.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

blah 6

i have work tomorrow and i totally forgot that i have this report type thing to do for one of my bosses. thing is, we're trying to come up with the *CENSORED* logo, and he just me what the channel had come up with so far. i looked at them and only about 1 or 2 were really good, but other people in the office who aren't korean didn't like them. but as a korean american myself, i thought they were worthy of being the channel's logo. but yeah, my boss gave me the logos to take home and think about what would make it better. and i didn't even think about that shit until right now, and i don't feel like doing it so im kind of fucked.

yeah, i have about a month left at *CENSORED* and still haven't decided if i'm planning to stay or not. my wishes of getting the fuck out of nyc for the summer get weaker and weaker, realizing i have nowhere to really go. so yeah... sucks. ahh! i don't know, i really dont wanna stay but we'll see. and even if i do stay, i dont know if i wanna stay at *CENSORED*. its too much fucking work. yeah its cool to be there, but its not my passion so we'll see.

Saturday, April 01, 2006

hip hop chow

ugh. just got home from a shoot about an hour ago. fucking was there from 10:30 to 7:30. so damn tired.

we went to this new restaurant off st. marks called Hip Hop Chow. the place is sort of like a mixture of soul food, southern food, and chinese food. the food there is amazing, soo fucking good. they have these scallops and babyback ribs with hoison sauce that just falls apart in your mouth off the bone. and the owner/head chef was pretty cool. he seems young and is one of the nicest guys ever. yeah, but we were there for so fucking long, i wanted to kill myself.

and god, i can't even begin to describe all the crazy and rude people there are out there. seriously, we're fucking trying to shoot a show and some fuckers just don't want to let us. one guy came up to our cameraman with this camcorder in his hand and he got about 3 inches from our cameraman's face and started to film him. we told him to fuck off but he just wouldn't go away, no joke. someone had to like push him off to the side and tell him to go fuck himself. and even during all this, he's trying to film that guy and thinks he's all funny and shit. so he finally leaves, and when he does he runs as fast as he can for some reason and then my boss comes back and said that 1, the guy reeked of alcohol, and 2, that the camcorder he has wasn't even on and looked like it was broken. WTF. seriously, crazy ass people in this city.

i've yet to tell any friends about this blog.