Good morning, and happy New Year’s Eve!

I just woke up from a weird dream and since it’s the last day of the year, rather than go back to bed to grab a bit more sleep before I start work, I thought I’d stay up.

I dreamt this good friend of mine who I care deeply about was in town and over my place. It wasn’t in the apartment I’m living in now, though, but his visit was such a pleasant surprise that when he spontaneously suggested we go party somewhere (although we knew we shouldn’t because of the pandemic), I immediately said yes. As we were getting ready, my middle sister came home and began venting about her rough day so we invited her out as well. The three of us weren’t sure where to go, but we walked around some industrial area while helicopters flew about above the Manhattan sky. The next thing I know, we’re in some secret warehouse party where everyone is dancing and having fun. At one point I find myself staring at this tv monitor of the dance floor and I watch my friend spot a guy he thinks is cute before making a direct b-line for this dude to hit on him. This sort of upsets me because I have a crush on my friend and I decide to leave the party to get some air. While I’m outside, I see the cops about to swarm the party and I try to text my sister and friend to warn them. That’s when all of the partygoers slowly start exiting the huge building and I eventually spot my sister. I ask where the friend is and she said he ditched us to hang with that new guy he had just met. The cops are trying to herd everyone in to these tents while making everyone change into hazmat suits but I grab my sister and say we still have to go party somewhere. I double check with her to make sure she hadn’t taken off her mask inside the warehouse at any point and she confirms she didn’t, so we slip away from the side and escape. We end up wandering these small houses and shops that remind me of the side streets of Khao San in Bangkok. The two of us are linked arm-in-arm with our masks on and trying to find someplace to grab a drink or some food but since it’s a few minutes past the NYC 10pm curfew, everything is about to close or is closed.We eventually stumble onto this small spot selling Jamaican oxtail about to close up shop but still has some customers dining inside. The storefront isn’t like one in NYC, it’s like an old school spot in Thailand where all of the large windows are open and circulating fresh air. When my sister gets in line to order and I go to grab us seats, that’s when I woke up.

I always wake up really happy when I have dreams about this friend of mine.

I woke up in a panic this morning from a nightmare. I dreamt that I had just started working at a restaurant, and I was totally unprepared to work my first dinner shift. All of the staff were really happy and in good spirits as they ran around to get all of their pre-service work done. I watched everyone zipping by to sweep the floor or go stock the wine, and they were super encouraging to me as they wished me luck and gave me high-fives as I tied my apron that was a part of the uniform. Even the manager came up to me and was like, "you so got this!" just before she quickly disappeared with her assistant who was busily taking down notes. And then in that moment, I realized I didn't know the menu at all. How would I be able to sell the restaurant's food if I didn't even know what they served? How would I be able to answer a customer's question if they asked about how a certain sauce was prepared or wanted to know what farm their pork came from? I quickly grabbed the menu and began flipping through it with urgency. It was the size of a book, but felt more like a manual and each page had this hard lamination (really similar to the one I saw at Kellogg's Diner a few nights ago). To get through the night, I told myself that all I needed to do was be an expert on one entree. That way, I could just focus on trying to push that dish and not look like an idiot who didn't know anything about the restaurant's food. I began combing through each dish to decide on which one to pick, and it was in that moment when I realized I didn't know the table names and numbers. How the fuck would I know where to bring out each dish, or how to enter the order into the computer system? Things went pretty downhill from there, and I stood there trying to memorize the tables of my section as customers started to come and get seated. I felt so overwhelmed about everything. I eventually woke up before I actually approached any tables to take their orders. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing.

Sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night from such vivid and emotional dreams where I don't know what to do with myself. I just lie there in bed, not sure about anything.

Erotic 가위.

Recently, so many of my dreams involve these large gatherings with a hodgepodge of random people from my life.

Last night, I dreamt I was living on a farmhouse that was actually located in the Upper West Side somewhere. I even had a little land with lots of green grass where sheep were roaming. In my dream, I was having this huge party that was attended by lots of old coworkers and friends. The most vivid part of it had my old boss Phet and the staff from his restaurant playing soccer on the field next to my house. And as I was standing in some gazebo watching them play, I had one of those clear plastic iced coffee cups that I was filling with vodka and ice instead. In the dream, I was so happy after having discovered this ability to drink alcohol secretly while in the open.

But nowadays, I honestly don't go out or drink as much as I used to, so just thinking about sipping on that iced coffee cup filled with vodka makes me feel nauseous.

I've been waking up from such vivid dreams for the past few weeks.

Friends who I have not seen or talked to in a while will sometimes make an appearance, and I've used it as a funny reason to text them hi and start a conversation. But then there are other former friends who are now long lost acquaintances, where it would feel weird reaching out. One person in particular is still very fresh on my mind right now because I just woke up, and his presence in my dream was so unexpected and made me happy. I was elated to see him and told him so. But our relationship is no longer like that, and I'll just have to wish him well from afar.

I had this dream last night, where I was trying to scream into my phone at a company because they had wronged me somehow. I was so livid, which was escalated even more because they had me on hold for over 4 hours. When it was finally my turn to speak to a representative, I choked and couldn't talk. I was trying to yell and shout my frustrations because I was so hurt and angry, but it was as if I had lost my voice. My rage had been boiling and become more intense over the time I waited and I obsessed about exactly what I wanted to say. But it came out as a whisper and at most, I was only able to say a few words. I kept having to try and clear my throat again, yet still, nothing. I actually woke up when I heard my own voice talking out loud.

Maybe it was all the cold medicine and antibiotics my body was on last night, but I fell asleep pretty early and was able to experience a deep and hearty sleep that I haven't had in a while. And the weird thing is that, I woke up this morning feeling so off because of all the dreams that occurred during this hibernation. There were a lot of different parts and chapters to them, but my favorite was when I was alone. I remember that I was sitting on an old mattress on a beach, and I could feel sand underneath my palms as I rested my hands behind me while propping up my body. Then a large majestic humpback whale swam close to the shore and breached, showing off its beautiful wonder and fluke, and I can remember feeling so content by it all.

here is today's WHO CARES.

the weather here in bangkok is starting to swelter again. april is the hottest time of year for this region, and it's also when the nation's most celebrated annual holiday, thai new year, takes place. since i pretty much usually always walking or am walking to and from taking public transportation, i've been literally coming home drenched in sweat from the bts stations for the past few days. and when i mean drenched, my shirt is soaked and sweat is dripping off my chin. sometimes my uncontrollable sweating can get annoying, but oftentimes i don't mind it because it's really helping my skin. today was overall a good day though because when i got to the cool youngish mom's house, i miraculously wasn't dripping in sweat like usual. then later on i went to the largest book store in bangkok, the kinokuniya at one of the major malls here, and the book i wanted to buy was slightly damaged, so i received a 10% discount after inquiring about it---score, with my ฿24 discount. i can't seem to concentrate on reading just one thing nowadays, so i've been jumping between different books and magazines. i know i really need to stop doing that because i think it's just not right. when i was using the bathroom today in a different mall, the button off my pants popped off and fell into the urinal. that was a first, and i thought about retrieving the button i've known for four years, but i decided it would be probably best to just let go. i watched the iron lady the other night, and really thought it was a great film. i love me some meryl streep in character. it started playing last friday at my favorite theater, scala, and as always i sat in my favorite seat, U5. the theatre started playing the descendants today and i caught the evening showing. the film had some good moments, and it really made me depressed about dying, but overall i wasn't a huge fan. some of the characters' actions in the movie annoyed me as well. i've been having a lot of dreams about my old neighborhood back in queens, flushinggg, and they've all been so odd. i always wake up feeling really weird, and like i really want to go check out all the places i used to hang out at. i've actually avoided going back for quite awhile because i don't think i'm ready, but hopefully i will be when i do actually return to nyc. ah, flushing...

last night, i dreamt that i was hysterically sobbing inside someone's bathroom, and i could physically feel its aftereffects when i woke up soon after.

so odd...

last night felt like such a rarity because i fell asleep early, but i did keep waking up in a complete panic throughout the night.

the dreams i had last night were all so vivid and disturbing. at one point i was freaking out at the airport because the airline employees refused to let me board. i don't remember where i was going or where i was coming from, but i just remember the feeling of having to escape because my life depended on it. then later on for some reason, my family and i were the owners of a donut shop, and in my dream we kept getting robbed. all the stress from the robberies just made me eat a continuous and massive amount of donuts, and i also remember feeling paranoid because i thought all our donuts tasted like shit. the scariest part of my dream was when someone was trying to stab me to death, and i could feel the blade entering and exiting my body as i screamed for help. it wasn't just the physical aspect of being stabbed that terrified me, but the simple fact of experiencing/realizing that fear and sheer fright, that this was how i was going to die and my life would be forever over.

all of my dreams (more like nightmares) from last night made me realize that i really need to make more of my life...

doesn't it piss you off when a person you don't like in real life makes an appearance in your dreams? that shit really irks me. the other night i dreamt that i was eating thai street food with someone i used to work with, but for some reason, this girl that i just do not enjoy whatsoever was also eating with us, and i remember thinking in my dream, wtf is she doing here?! when i woke up, the first thing i thought was how dare she be in my dream. who the hell is she to ruin my sleep like that?

you know how sometimes in movies, someone is sleeping and then they hear a voice whisper their name into their ear and it immediately wakes them up?

yeah, totally happened to me today. i was sleeping and i heard a man's voice whisper my full name in korean. it scared the shit out of me.

i've had the same nightmare at least four times within the past two weeks. it's always the same where i'm flunking math or science in high school because i've been cutting classes and my eligibility to graduate is in serious jeopardy. i usually freak out in my dream and feel so helpless and scared to go back to class because i'm deathly afraid of getting in trouble.

i graduated high school in 2001 and i still wake up panicked from these nightmares---so odd.

last night i dreamt that i was talking to someone who unexpectedly had a jughead comic book on top of a pile of their reading materials. i remember thinking "woah i loved jughead comics as a kid, he was my favorite archie comic book character---i can't believe you like them too!"

now if i can only remember who this guy in my dream was...

last night i dreamt that i was holding someone's hand very intensely. i was apparently dating this guy, but don't remember his face or anything else about him---i just remember holding his hand. dreams are weird.

oh man, i totally had my whole reoccurring high-school nightmare and just woke up in an absolute panic. i dreamt that i had been skipping math class for weeks and that i wasn't going to graduate.

it's been 7 years since i graduated high school and i still get these nightmares every now and then. i'm also not the type of person who gets nightmares often so when i do, they usually really freak me out. i wonder if i'll still get them when i'm 50.

does anyone else have their cliche, high-school-era-nightmares that have them waking up in a cold sweat? on tv they always show characters saying they showed up to school naked, but mine isn't quite like that.

mine ALWAYS have the same story line, and when i get them i usually tend to freak out and wake up in an absolute state of panic.

this is what happens in mine: i'm back in high school and have been cutting my math or science class for the past 2 weeks and am scared to go back to class because i think i'm going to get yelled at by my teacher. then i think i can't graduate and get my diploma, and that's where the panic sets in. while the dreams do tend to vary in plots and endings, they always have that same story line and i end up waking up confused, scared, and anxious.

as you can tell, i have some traumatic memories and issues from high school. truancy was my favorite class, and it tended to get me into deep shit.

anyhoo, i've been sleeping very hard for the past 2 weeks. it's odd. i can't seem to wake up for anything, my body is just physically exhausted and refuses to wake up when my 3 (yes three!!) alarms go off. i hate being like this. i can't wake up for shit and can't ever get anything done in the mornings. i told my friend about it, and he said i might be depressed. that would make sense because, well i just haven't been feeling right the past few weeks. i think the stress of finding a job has really been getting to me.

this morning on the subway i thought i wanted to kill myself. i just fucking hated everyone and everything and i knew i just needed to take a breather, so i watched sarah mclachlan's music video for "world on fire" (which i purchased onto my ipod months ago) and was instantly humbled. i need to be humbled more often. i have to realize that my life ain't as bad as millions of others around the world.

blah. good night.

i have 3 more weeks until i finish work. weee i'm so fucking excited i can't even think. seriously, i'm in total "quit mode" about my job, where i no longer have the energy to do everything. i barely made it through the day, i can't wait for the weekend.

so last night i had the most sexual dream. i woke up feeling really... well, you know the feeling. yeah, i need to get me some booty real soon.

nap a no-no

i just took like a 2-3 hour nap, and had the craziest dream ever. it was so weird because it felt so real and i was scared out of my mind. i guess it was more of a nightmare rather than a dream.

anyway, when i woke up it left me in a bad mood, which i'm still in. so maybe i'll write about it in detail next time.