Tuesday, December 11, 2018

Sometimes, it feels nice to sit on a New York City park bench on a winter night.

Everyone else around is too cold to do anything else other than briskly walk by, so I appreciate the space and alone time.
"Am I ever embarrassed about anything that I do? No."

Said by Cardi B in her December 9, 2018 interview with CBS Sunday Morning.
I can't tell if you just love complaining about this, or truly don't want a solution?

Monday, December 10, 2018

Why are there so many movies and tv shows about writers, you ask?

Well, because writers write them.
"If you think you're in my head,
you've been seriously misled."

From the song Misled by Celine Dion.
"Somebody pinch me. Your love’s too good to be true."

From the song Sweet Dreams by Beyoncé
It came to me while Philip Glass was playing in the background.

Sunday, December 09, 2018

"It's the hardest thing that I've ever done.
To love somebody and still run."

From the song Still Run by Wet.
"I'm a singer and a songwriter. And a bartender. And a babysitter. On weekends I host four course dinner parties for $65 a plate. And I make soap to sell online. And candles. And tea baths. And hair conditioner. And shampoo. Basically I'm broke. And I need a vacation. But I'm on the move. And I'm not stopping until somebody writes me a check for some of my music."

From the December 8, 2018 post of the Humans of NY Instagram account.
Erotic 가위.
A void.
Avoid.
You can't write with a drink in your hand.
"Turn my sorrow into treasured gold."

From the song Rolling In The Deep by Adele.
Except.
Accept.
"Take it all with you.
Don't look back at this crumbling fool."

From the song Take It All by Adele.
"He might have wanted to decisively separate himself from the self he used to be."

From the book Killing Commendatore by Haruki Murakami. Page 282.
Everyday love.
Love everyday.

Saturday, December 08, 2018

This is the only thing I know.

Friday, December 07, 2018

Thursday, December 06, 2018

The past few weeks or so.
















No one is one dimensional. Perceptions are.
You'll miss this.
Teenage couples who are deeply in love will take up an entire subway row of seats without thinking twice.
Because it makes me feel good.

Tuesday, December 04, 2018

There come times in life where it's undeniable that a critical turning point has arrived.

And deep in my heart, I know that I am currently at one of these pivotal moments right now.

It all started a few weeks ago, and since then, it's been one unforeseen significant thing happening after another. At first, it just seemed like a row of bad luck with a shitty thing here, an unlucky thing there. But then I stepped back from it all to give it a closer thought. Why? Why was all this happening now at once? And then it began to make sense. The realization didn't come straight away, but it took the 4th bad incident within weeks for it to truly hit me. And what it's all come to mean is that something is happening in the form of change. And that I am changing. It's not my world around me or the elements of my life that are changing, but it's me. I am. And wow, I see it now. I truly see it. I'm not the same person as I was from just a month ago, and that's not just hyperbole. This awareness has only made me feel lighter and happier. I feel free in a way, and ready for what's next. In fact, I'm god damn excited about life. I don't care if what happens is good or bad, but I am fucking excited about it all. At this point of my life of 35, I'm so humbled to know better. To take what I've been given and seek meaning and purpose from it. A lifetime of watching Oprah and being open to receive those lessons others have so clearly explained from their own personal hindsight has all been for this moment right now. All of my previous down periods in life filled with struggle, confusion, and anger has been for this moment right now. Because thanks to all that, I understand that everything happening is here to help me and make me stronger. To help clean the slate of an older version of me, and turn the page to that next fresh chapter. Because there's no other way to accept it. There simply isn't. Not embracing it this way would be to fight it, and to fight life means to lose in life. I'm not going to fight it. I'm going to love it even harder and squeeze it until it turns blue. Yes, there will be tears, because there already have been within the past few weeks. But that's okay. I've earned those tears. They're mine and I'll show them to the world or whoever else I please. Because I'll proudly taste the salt from those tears to remind me that there is no flavor in life without that salt. It's a necessity to being. And I can use it now to fight any other aspects of my life and its struggles. It will sting and even hurt me, but I'll be okay. When I went over to my parents' place for Thanksgiving last month, it had been the first time in years that it was just my immediate family and me celebrating. We usually do a bigger thing with all my relatives, but this year, it was just my parents, sisters, and brother-in-law. I've always appreciated more intimate settings, and I can't express how much fun we all had together. Starting at 3pm until the late night, the only thing on our agenda was to eat, laugh, drink, and talk, with all of us eventually zonking out and crashing at my parents' place. I woke up the next morning so happy, because I realized I already have everything I need. I have my family, and am so grateful we all have our health. And then there's my chosen family of a close-knit group of friends who truly get me and support me. And no revolving factors of my life can change this foundation of mine. This feels like one of the hardest times I've been through in recent times, but I totally get it now. And it's from all of these unexpected setbacks that's forced me to see the other crucial changes I must make in my life. Habits. People. Vices. Ultimately, carrying out these will be even more difficult than the surprise ones from the last few weeks. Because these necessary changes that are now so obvious are in my control. It's up to me to make them. They won't be done for me. But I'm okay with that. Even with puberty, I've always been a late bloomer in life. But oh man, this lesson has finally hit me and I'm here. And I've never been happier and felt more solid as a person. I'm awake. I'm recharged. I'm prepared.

You know that scene in I Know What You Did Last Summer, when Jennifer Love Hewitt's character is fed up and screams out to the sky, "What are you waiting for!?" for the second time as she does that cute little spin? Yeah, that's how I'm feeling right now. But in a more optimistic, cheery way.

Monday, December 03, 2018

Cough.
Couch.
"Rent Week Pasta."

From the November 2018 Basically website story: Turn This Lemony Rent Week Pasta with Leeks and Chile Flakes All the Way Up. By Alex Delany.

I love everything about this title. It's pure genius.
“'It sounds extreme,' she says quietly, poking at a piece of tuna sashimi. 'But when you have no sort of representation, when you’re completely absent from media or from everything you’re consuming, no matter how strong your support system is, subconsciously, the subliminal message is, ‘You are defective.’ And I’m just beginning to understand the scope of how damaging that is to people and to myself.' Her words are careful, precise, molded, she says, by years of therapy."

From the December 3, 2018, The Cut article: Everyone’s Ready to Watch Greta Lee. And the actress is feeling the pressure of being seen. By Madeleine Aggeler.

Saturday, December 01, 2018

"Hey Sis,
it's Christmas.
You can cross me off of your wishlist."

From the song Hey Sis, It's Christmas by RuPaul.