so the channel finally launched... watching it was pretty surreal, i couldn't believe it was happening. it's weird to see the past 3 months of my blood, sweat and tears finally surface as something i can see before my own eyes.

i just got home after partying with my fello coworkers. we all watched the launch of the channel in the office together, and then ate at Shilla, this really good korean restaurant in K town. afterwards we went to karaoke and i slipped out of it a bit early. you know, i have some coworkers i just don't respect. i left karaoke early because i felt that many of them were being rude to the workers and establishment, and seeing that just really fucking pisses me off. i hate people who just have no common sense... i have one coworker who i think really is unstable, she's the craziest person i've ever worked with. i can't stand her as a person, and especially not as a coworker. i'm going to talk to my bosses tomorrow and give them my one months notice tomorrow. i launched the channel, i did what i said i would. now i need to just not be there anymore, working there is slowly draining my soul.

today i had a bit of meltdown at work. i started to cry from all the stress, i just couldn't handle it anymore. i don't want to live like this... at a stressful job where i don't feel fulfilled at all...

anyway, i have a meeting early in the morning tomorrow. good night all.

wowee wow wow.

the channel is launching later tonight. i am so fucking excited that i can't even think. finallyyy, the day has come. i plan to get shitfaced tonight beyond comprehension, yay for me.

anyway, i found out i was in the korean paper in new york this past saturday. thing is, they fucking spelled my god damn name wrong, which i think is pretty hilarious. reminds of when i was interning at paper magazine, and they usually list the names of interns in the masthead. anyway, the first time my name was ever in the masthead of a magazine, this is what it said. "JHON SMITH." *NOT MY REAL NAME*

yeah, they fucking spelled my name wrong. it's tae damn it. so in this korean paper, they wrote "GHON SMITH." haha, i can't help but laugh at the whole situation, it's pretty funny.

i brought home a photocopy of the article, which my parents will see when they wake up in the morning. i got home after they went to bed and it's laying on our table in the living room. i hope they feel al little proud of me.

last night i had actual nightmares about work. i woke up about 4 times in a panic that i had programmed the channel incorrectly, and just freaked out about it. hmm, weird.

the channel is launching on Tuesday... wow. i can't believe i'm saying that. june 27th 2006 will live in infamy in my life. i fucking can't wait to get this shit over with, for reals. i truly feel unhappy at the place i work, and already have my plans of quitting in my head. it's weird, i tell my friends about it and they all tell me how lucky i am, and how there's so many other people dying to be in my position, but i guess the passion isn't there for me. this is just a minor stop in my life, and i feel it's not fair to me, nor the company. someone who's absolutely passionate about all this should have the chance to be doing what i'm doing, and the company is more than entitled to having someone like that.

okay, no more fucking work talk. i'm still trying to figure out some plan to go somewhere in august, but i have no idea of where to do. fuck.

ok time for porn, folks.

just kidding. (actually i'm not).

i can not wait until this week is over. stressssssssss. oh yes, the stress level has spiked, thanks to the launch of the channel being less than a week away.

so yeah. i was thinking today about the people who own the deli on the corner of my block. it's a Korean couple, and the dad is handicapped. it's sad to watch them at work because i just feel so helpless for them. and then they have young daughters who sometime hang around the store, and the whole picture just leaves me depressed. i think about this family's life, and all the struggles they go through. not to mention that when i went in the other day, they told me they got robbed days earlier.... i was just like, damn that sucks.

i try and go there as much as possible and buy everything i need, but in the end i just don't know how long they'll be open. hopefully it'll be for a long time. sometimes a grandma is at the store with them, just sitting there and watching the customers. i think about the life that she's had, growing up in Korea, and emigrating to the U.S. for a better life. did she ever imagine herself living like she does now? not that i am in any way putting it down, but i think it's not an ideal life that people dream about.

i'm very grateful that i've been able to have an education... to grow up in this country with the opportunities i have. if i had the decision to leave this country for a new country that my future kids would have a better life at, i don't know if i could do it.

therefore, i look up to all the immigrants out there. because in them, i see myself and the struggles that my parents went through.

okay, gonna go watch conan and get some sleep.

good night to whomever might be reading this...... SAY HI! (so i don't feel so alone)

i feel bad about griping to people about my life. i guess that's why i try to keep it to a minimum and do it mostly here on this blog.

speaking of this blog... i don't think a single person ever reads it anymore. but that's cool, because i guess it's more for myself rather than anyone else.

where you came from

god... it's like 4:17 and i feel completely depressed. i've been tossing and turning for the past 30 minutes in bed, unable to close my eyes because i have so many things on my mind.

i fucking hate my life. i think for awhile, work has kept me so busy that i haven't had time to feel depressed, but then it hit me... i feel so upset, and i don't know why.

i don't want to go to work tomorrow, or do anything for that matter. i want to have a nice meal with my parents and tell them i love them.

my life is pointless, i am here for no reason.

sometimes i miss people so bad. i miss them so badly that i think back on all the happy times we had together, and can't fathom how i'm actually able to live my life without them...

it's crazy. i don't know what has brought these sudden emotions on to me.

it's almost 3:30, just got out of the shower after getting home from work, and i feel delirious.

i have absolutely nothing to wear tomorrow to work because i haven't been able to go to the laundromat in almost three weeks. fuck man, i don't even have the time and energy to wash my clothes, i feel like a loser.

and tomorrow our new VJ for the channel is coming in to take press photos and all that. blah blah.

fun in the sun!

i feel like i haven't written an entry with substance in awhile.

so.

what's new world?

as for me, same old. my emotions are running high and thin these past few days due to work. i can't believe that the channel is launching in two weeks.... for the past few months, what has become my life, will finally launch and hopefully things will be a little bit more stable for me. it's funny because while i was finishing this past semester, and working 50+ hours a week, i was thinking of how happy i would be after my semester finished. i pictured living at the office for the weeks leading up to launch, doing nothing but breathing in work.

but now that the time has come, it's not like that.

isn't it funny that life is never how you imagined? i think of what i'll do or how i'll be at certain times, and i realize that life is never like that. i have to stop doing that.

it's funny because i've always said that i never want to let anything define me. being gay, korean, a new yorker, a college student, etc. i've never wanted to let a single category define me to who i am to others, but this channel has defined me. i've met so many amazing people through work, and i'm so grateful for that.

3 am and i just got home.

i'm in a paranoid state because i lost my keys. now i'm all worried that someone's going to be able to come into my house and rob it.

did i tell you that i found my FIRST ever grey hair yesterday on my head? i feel kind of proud because i have never had a grey hair in my life, and i feel that this solidifies all the stress and hard work i'm doing at my job. yay for me. i'm pathetic.

i can't stop eating these past few days. its soo bad because all i do is eat eat eat. woohoooooooooo.

anyhoo, i recently got some business cards. i feel so professional. my first business cards in my life ever, and it's from a company that isn't too shabby. my parents of course are estatic and have been giving them out like free candy to everyone that they know. cool.

anyway, i think in january after i graduate, i might travel around korea and maybe countries like thailand or something for two months. at least i'm going to aim for two months, but once again this is just one of my many failed plans of travel that i've planned throughout my life, so hopefully even going to korea will come through.

i had all these things i wanted to write about, but alas it is 1:30 in the morning and i have to shower and do my nightly routine of watching tv and reading.

later gators.

i am feeling sooo lazy.

i just watched hours of tv after eating a box of craft cheese macaroni.

now i feel too lazy to even wash my face or shower before i go to bed. yay for me.

anyway, i woke up on sunday so hungover that i could barely move, i was miserable. i woke up with dried blood all over my face, and my glasses were broken. i didn't get out of bed all day, and the most movement i had was turning my head to watch television.

yeah... drank wayyyy too much on saturday night.

but i work hard so i feel slightly justified.

good times... good times!

damn. it's friday and the weather in new york is damn horrible, no joke. it took me 2 and 1/2 hours today to get home on the subway because alot of the tracks were flooded.

anyhoo, i just got home and found that all my books i have stacked up on the head of my bed collapsed. i dont know how many books i have, but i have three columns stacked sideways that are each about 3 feet high. my sister always said that those books were going to kill me one day while i slept because they'd fall over on my face, but good thing it happened when i wasn't sleeping. i need to buy a bookshelf bad but i'm too lazy to get one, blah.