Sunday, July 01, 2007
one of my coworkers said the funniest thing to me today.
it was such a slow day, so all us workers were trying to keep ourselves entertained. at one point, one of them says "check this out." and she proceeds to change her hairstyle and when she did, i kind of was like "WOW you look so different!" in the three years that we were coworkers, she has always had the same hair style, so when she changed it i almost didn't even recognize her. it boggled my mind and i told her how i couldn't believe that in all the time i had known her, i had never seen her hair style change at all.
so a few minutes later, i forget what we were talking about, but i say, "yeah my friends say i look ugly when i smile like this." and i do this smile where my whole face is scrunched up, and then my same coworker from before goes, "omg-- i don't think i've ever seen you smile... i've seen you laugh, but i've NEVER seen you smile..."
when she said that, i looked at her face and she had the same look of bewilderment that i had had about her a few minutes earlier.
maybe i do need to smile more? i don't know, i just don't think i'm a happy person in general. i just never have been.
i'm not sure what it is, but the past few weeks have been especially horrible. i've been feeling like shit, i can barely make it through the days. my anxiety and depression have been coming on strong, and i can't get rid of this contstant veil of sadness that surrounds me every waking moment.
i wish it would just go away. i wish i could just live normally like other people. i wish that i could do things without worrying and thinking all this crazy ass shit. everything just makes me sad, everything.
from the moment i wake up, to the moment i'm home at night, i feel so fucking sad and i have no idea why. anyone who says mental illness does not exist, i beg to differ. i'm a normal person, just like you, but the difference between us is i can't understand how or why my life has become something i don't enjoy anymore. ah, thinking about it just drives me even more crazy.
i'm just waiting for this wave to go away. it usually does, but this one is taking a lot longer than others.
it was such a slow day, so all us workers were trying to keep ourselves entertained. at one point, one of them says "check this out." and she proceeds to change her hairstyle and when she did, i kind of was like "WOW you look so different!" in the three years that we were coworkers, she has always had the same hair style, so when she changed it i almost didn't even recognize her. it boggled my mind and i told her how i couldn't believe that in all the time i had known her, i had never seen her hair style change at all.
so a few minutes later, i forget what we were talking about, but i say, "yeah my friends say i look ugly when i smile like this." and i do this smile where my whole face is scrunched up, and then my same coworker from before goes, "omg-- i don't think i've ever seen you smile... i've seen you laugh, but i've NEVER seen you smile..."
when she said that, i looked at her face and she had the same look of bewilderment that i had had about her a few minutes earlier.
maybe i do need to smile more? i don't know, i just don't think i'm a happy person in general. i just never have been.
i'm not sure what it is, but the past few weeks have been especially horrible. i've been feeling like shit, i can barely make it through the days. my anxiety and depression have been coming on strong, and i can't get rid of this contstant veil of sadness that surrounds me every waking moment.
i wish it would just go away. i wish i could just live normally like other people. i wish that i could do things without worrying and thinking all this crazy ass shit. everything just makes me sad, everything.
from the moment i wake up, to the moment i'm home at night, i feel so fucking sad and i have no idea why. anyone who says mental illness does not exist, i beg to differ. i'm a normal person, just like you, but the difference between us is i can't understand how or why my life has become something i don't enjoy anymore. ah, thinking about it just drives me even more crazy.
i'm just waiting for this wave to go away. it usually does, but this one is taking a lot longer than others.
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