it will NEVER happen.

sometimes i can think and obsess about an idea for hours with the end result being a case of procrastination.

there are so many things in life that just do not matter. but then what does matter?

i love watching the sky when it snows... everything gets quiet and peaceful. there's another crazy snowstorm right now in nyc and i'd like to share a favorite korean poem of mine called snowy evening by kim so wol.

눈 오는 저녁 by 김소월

바람 자는 이 저녁에
흰눈은 퍼붓는데
무엇하고 계시노
같은 저녁 금년은.......

꿈이라도 꾸면은!
잠들면 만날런가.
잊었던 그사람은
흰 눈 타고 오시네.

저녁때,흰 눈은 퍼부어라.

staying in is nice, especially when the weather is absolute shit outside.

on my days off from work, i tend to stay in and choose to interact with absolutely no one except for my roommates and friends. i get enough interaction with strangers everyday at work and it's just nice not to deal with people in general. plus, i'm starting to get sick with a bad cold. i got a flu shot earlier in the season but i guess my no-sickness streak is over, it was nice while it lasted.

so in my head i've nicknamed a table at work "the author's table." junot diaz (who's pulitzer winning book i've written about before) came in yesterday for lunch and he sat at the same table that i've also seen salman rushdie and jay mcinerney eat at. it's really just a small simple table with three seats but somehow they all just all gravitated there.

"i am loved by someone."

why is that thought so hard to realize and accept sometimes?? it applies to every person on this planet, yet it doesn't process through our brains---is that because we don't love ourselves? am i really alone, or do i just always have this constant lingering of the feeling that never goes away?

sometimes life is so overwhelmingly frustrating and all you can think is, "what the fuck else could i do to make this shit better??"

i really wish i could fall asleep right now.

happy 30th birthday to my sister!

i love you so much and am so lucky to have an older sibling like you---thank you for all that you do.

love this awesome cover for this month's interview.

working in the service industry sometimes makes me feel like a stripper because damn, i always have mad singles.

it's 3am and i just got home from work. this schedule makes me feel nuts sometimes.

it's funny how i always end up at the laundromat every year on my birthday.

here's to 27, another year---another laundromat.

sometimes i need time alone and i just like walking around the city while listening to music.

feeling suffocated on the subway today, i got off my commute home at 59th street columbus circle and decided to walk back to my apartment. i live on the northern tip of the park on the west side so i was able to go through all of central park and i must say that it truly is amazing. just like nyc, even central park has different neighborhoods and themes that are just hundreds of feet away from each other. it's awesome because you'll walk by something so great like the sheep meadow and then you're by an area that resembles the feeling of a camping ground and then minutes later you'll be at belvedere castle. then at one point i hit a park called safari playground at 91st street near central park west and see all these amazing hippopotamus statues that looked like they were playing in water. i have never in my life seen or heard of this park so i really wanted to go inside and taker a closer look and some pictures of all the statues. i was also sure to check if there were any kids or parents around because i believe it's against the law for an adult to enter a children's playground in nyc with a kid (i could be wrong though) and after i saw that the coast was clear and the park was technically open, i entered the gate.

then i started to approach all the statues and noticed that there was someone under the playground fixture of the park. after looking closer, it was a grown man with his pants around his knees and ass completely out---it looked like he was picking up or touching some random debris under the jungle gym thing. i wasn't sure if he was taking a shit and looking for something to wipe his ass with or if he was just mentally off and doing some crazy shit down there. all i knew was that was my cue to get the hell out of there. shit like that makes me really

i went to church this past weekend and attended sunday service for the first time since 2001.

the last time i stepped foot into a church for sunday service was in flushing, queens right before my high school graduation. i even remember my awesome youth pastor giving me an uplifting christian graduation book with a sweet handwritten note in it. i believe that was the last time i saw her and anyone else from that church.

during high school a friend of mine invited me to start attending his korean church and i enjoyed it immensely. i was sort of shy back then and didn't have many friends in school until senior year so it gave me a sense of belonging and it was nice to have social gatherings to attend on weekends. unlike the other mega korean churches in flushing, this church was really small and intimate and there were probably 20 kids max in our youth group. it would always be interesting to attend these large korean american christian church gatherings in queens (all you korean americans who grew up in queens know the deal) and see all the other large youth groups everywhere, we always looked like such underdogs compared to them. most of the kids in my youth group had been going to this church their whole lives so they all knew each other pretty well---no one in my family went to church so i was the random kid who showed up alone every weekend. i was one of the oldest though and they were all nice so i had no problem getting along with everyone. our tirelessly caring youth pastor would always take us out to outings and worked so hard to allow us to grow in the church and bond with each other, i really do have some great memories from that time.

however, the only thing missing from that time period is my christian connection. for the 3 consistent years i attended church and christian events, i honestly never once felt spiritually connected to god. i really wanted to (and still do) but it just hasn't happened. back then whenever we prayed, i would always just close my eyes and think about stuff while everyone around me was lost in their dialogues. don't get me wrong, i did try to actually pray all the time but i would only think things like "okay you're god and you know i am sincerely trying to pray but it must be crystal clear to you that i'm not actually praying because you know all so i am not even going to try and pretend to pray but instead i'll just sit here and think about stuff." a lot of times i would always open my eyes and just watch other people pray. it bothered me that everyone else seemed to just naturally get it but for me the simple act of closing my eyes and putting my hands together was the farthest i was able to go. it was just enough to let me get by and be perceived as a good christian so no one suspected anything, but secretly inside my heart just didn't get into it. even on our seasonal retreats far away from the city where during the prayer service the whole youth group would be crying their eyes out and praising and getting blessed, i would just be sitting there wondering how much longer until all this was done and we could go hang out or sleep.

this past sunday i went to church because i have been wanting to go for years but haven't out of pure laziness. i stopped going after i graduated high school because that's when i started my hardcore partying stage and i was usually too cracked out on sundays to even leave my room. the service i attended this past weekend was in the west thirties near the hudson river and i approached it with a completely open heart and mind. i've grown a lot as a person since the last time i was in church at the age of eighteen and really hoped that this would be the start of a new beginning in my spiritual life, but it didn't happen like that. it felt the same as it did in 2001 and i really don't know why and guess it's a bit disappointing. however, i still (and always have) truly believed in god and am a spiritual person and this in no way completely turns me off from christianity.

i have hope that one day i'll experience spiritual growth with some sort of religion but i guess i'll just have to march on until then.

cleaning is so much better late at night when everyone is in bed and no one's around. i can't ever seem to clean around people, it feels uncomfortable.

to my fellow comrades who work in the service industry, have you ever had a shift where all night people just made you want to bang your head against the wall?? holy shit---some people are so ridiculous that you just have to laugh it off sometimes. i'm always friendly and accommodating to patrons and can put up with people's bullshit because it's my job and i'm professional but once they cross that line, i refuse to give them the satisfaction of a reaction---they are in NO WAY important enough to make me angry or upset and i will not let them get the best of me. it's great though because you learn so much about people and yourself when you work in the service industry and that is something i am truly grateful for.

sometimes i feel so alone.

i can honestly say that i've been an insomniac since the seventh grade.

falling asleep at 11pm like most kids my age just didn't feel natural to my body. i would always fall asleep anytime from 2-4 and sleep no more than 6 hours. you would think that i'd be exhausted the next night and fall asleep immediately in bed but no, the same shit would happen that night.

i think a part of my insomnia came from anxiety and worrying about stuff. i'm really jealous of people who can fall asleep anywhere anytime. remember what it feels like to be at a sleepover of some sort and everyone is trying to go to bed in the dark but you're all talking, and there's one person who just continues to talk and not get sleepy at all? that was always me.

anyway, i think i need some chill-pills.

it's snowing in the east village---so beautiful.