i really can't sleep and my internet is being crazy so i decided to clean up some files on my computer and found the following poem i wrote in college for a class.

it's dated november 11, 2005 and while i don't remember why i wrote this, it reminds me of being depressed and alone in my room back at my house in flushing, such bittersweet memories.

i have not left my room in days
and the stench of stench lingers like a dark cloud.
the sun has become my foe,
bringing only darkness with it.
shadows are always around me.
i walk around with my arms flailing
in front of my
awkward
listless body,
confused because it’s been like this so long.
and my eyes have yet to adjust,
nor has my mind and soul.

i stare at the ceiling for hours,
wasting away under the impressions of normality,
not understanding what has and will become of me.

confusion rules in the land of the dead.
with no direction in life or
even to go buy some apple juice,
the thought of getting out my fetal position is unnecessary.

i will stay like this forever.
eternally meandering through the dark caverns of my thoughts,
and curling up under my sheets,
wondering how good it used to feel in my mom’s stomach
when i was no bigger than my nose hairs.
i will stay like this forever.

when my last day comes,
etched on my forehead will be my last middle finger to the world

dear friends,

please do not go to restaurants and chew on the pen-caps of your server when they give you back your credit card and reciept to sign. i don't know what's worst, you chewing the pen-cap or me having to actually discover that you did---fucking nasty.

thank you.

be yourself---don't play games.

live by that creed and when you find the person who believes in it just as must as you do, you might have found yourself something special.

i love asking people this question: would you rather have the ability to fly or live underwater?

thank you fuse and palladia. there's nothing better than watching music videos on tv late at night. this is how i spent countless nights during my childhood in the nineties and i find there's something special about that feeling you get when you don't know what new video is coming on next. i think it sucks that kids won't ever be able to experience music that way again, it was really a lot of fun----it's not the same as just going online or downloading the music video to watch. i guess i was lucky.

there's a bodega on the corner down my block and no matter how the weather is or what time of day or evening it is, there's usually always one or two dudes just hanging out in front of it. i don't go down that way that often so i never recognize or remember any of the guys' faces but i definitely notice other little things. it could be snowing or raining like fucking crazy outside but they're consistently there. sometimes they just stand there and the two guys don't even talk to each other but just seem to be waiting for something. in my mind it's pretty obvious that they're drug dealers and i've always wondered what they sold.

so tonight as my roommate and i were home and with the weather being really nice allowing us to open up all our windows, it's easy to hear all these voices coming from the direction of the bodega. the bodega is on the same side of the street as my apartment building and we live on the 7th floor halfway down the block so our view of it is made up mostly of people's heads and bodies. the details of the faces are hard to make but these kids look young. throughout the night i would get up and look out the window to see what all the noise was about, but it just seemed to be kids hanging out on the street. then one time when i looked to see what was happening, i hear this kid yelling "come on, let's go-let's go" as he walked down the block together with this dude who looked like a columbia student or something and then sold him drugs. throughout the night i saw all these other young people who seemed to approach the group of kids reluctantly looking pretty suspect, they all looked so guilty of something. the customers would be lead down the street towards the direction of my building to do the obvious transactions.

i was really interested to see what type of people the customers were. they looked like young kids who were going to go out and party or some shit who probably just wanted to get a little messed up. hey, if they have the guts to buy drugs from these dealers on a nyc corner at night, then i say let them have fun. one transaction that caught my attention was this girl and guy who were friends and they approached the dealers together. the first thing i noticed about them was that the girl seemed pretty stylish and attractive and looked liked she was going somewhere fun right after that. she's actually the one who did all the talking, too---her guy friend just seemed to be there to support her. i would never in my life be able to do buy drugs from a stranger on a corner because i'd probably think the dealers were narcs or that they're being watched by the cops and my transaction was the one that the cops were going to bust-in on or lots of other neurotic stuff like that. i'm really curious to know what the hell they're selling though, it's hard to tell by their client base. i'm thinking it's bolivian marching powder but that's just an ignorant guess.

so about an hour ago i peek out and see what the noise is about and there seems to be a few male customers who are just standing with the dudes. then another guy is walking across the street from them and walks past the point the dealers are at, but then turned around slowly and made a b-line for the kids with the stuff. wow, two transactions at once, i guess this must be the spot or some shit. so all the customers and dealers are there on the street and then a cop car slowly pulls up. then another one slowly does and that one's followed by a third, yeah oh shittt is all i could think. at this point everyone standing in that cluster of people on the street looks to be frozen and just waiting for the cops to make their first move. as the cops slowly got out of their cars and approached some of the guys, i noticed that four guys from the group started to very slowly distance themselves from everyone else and walked east towards central park. haha the funny thing was it was four dudes who were obviously the customers and they cautiously just started to walk away at a snail's pace, i bet they were all shitting bricks. the cops seemed to only want to talk to the dealer guys and just let the other four guys get away without giving them any shit at all. i'm hoping they learned a good lesson and will never risk buying stuff off the street like that again. as for the dealers, i can't figure out why but the cops just sort of left five minutes later and drove away in their cars without making any arrests or taking anyone away. odd.

now all i can wonder is where is that young ballsy girl who purchased drugs from the corner earlier in the evening with her male friend, and what is she doing at this very moment? i'm guessing she's probably fucked up at some club with help from the stuff she bought and is dancing with loud music surrounded by lots of lights and fog. thinking about what happened to her drug dealers or the street where she was just standing at hours earlier is on her mental list of things to ponder about right after thinking about how the plastic ends on shoelaces are made.

nothing is ever as exciting as it seems in your head.

i just want to spoon all night.

i need to let go of everything. insecurities, bad habits and fear all have to go away. i don't want to live this way for the rest of my life and i need to let it all go now. i need to learn how to be happy, to love myself and allow myself to search for endearing, sincere and true happiness. my walls need to come down. i need to prioritize my life with better choices. i need to live up to my potential.

playing it cool is so hard.

i'm going to chicago for a much needed and appreciated break from nyc and am fucking elated. i'm leaving tonight and am coming back sunday night. it also happens to be st. patrick's day weekend as well and i'm still not sure if this is a really awesome or really bad thing---my friends have lined up some st. patty's day festivities to partake in so i guess i'll just have to see.

i don't know what to say.

you know that scene in reality bites where lelaina (winona ryder) is looking for a job and this woman at a newspaper asks her to define irony right as she gets on the elevator? and it's descending with the outside buildings and sky visible in the background and she is so frustrated about everything in her life at that moment because you can see it all on her face? i love that part of the movie---i so feel her in that scene.

here are some more pictures from anna sui's fashion show last month at bryant park.

i usually go every season to support my best friend judy and after each show, the whole anna sui design team goes to dinner and judy is allowed to invite one person as her guest. while i've previously attended the dinner as her guest before, lucky me got to again for the f/w 2010 show. dinner was at the breslin and the weather was shitty and we couldn't find a cab so we somehow ended up catching the bus from the back of bryant park in front of the beautiful new york public library and we rode it down fifth avenue. haha sometimes life is funny like that.

people who go out and abuse service industry workers are so pathetic. obviously i'm at fucking work so you think you can say stupid shit to me and make yourself feel smarter and better, but come on, we all know that that is not really what's happening here. it's really just sad.

here's a quick east-village-bar-work story:

a girl and guy are allowed into the bar for a drink. they look like they could possibly be under 21 so i ask for id.

me: i need to see some ids, please.

guy: here you go.

me: ok thanks. what about you?

girl: mmm hold on i know i have it in my bag here somewhere.

me: sure.

girl: omg i don't have it. but i swear i'm 22, what can i show you to prove it?

me: something that tells me your age.

girl: here let me show you my facebook page, i swear it has my real birthdate on it!

seriously, WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE???

happy monday.

it's a new day.

it's a new week.

its a new month.

everything is going to be okay.