happy new years everyone.

for nye, i went on a boat that sailed through the chao phraya river in bangkok. to experience the beautiful city of bangkok in that way was just magical and i hope i never forget it. when the clock struck midnight, the boat was stationed right in front of the two largest firework docks on the river, and i watched in awe as the sky lit up with all of the lights. i danced, talked too much, met some new people and had the best time. i was even able to smoke some grass, and that just perfected the night.

it's 1/1/11. today, i'll take my first step in the attempts to live a happier and more fulfilled life. step #1 in that direction is blasting some coltrane this morning to celebrate another gorgeous sunny day in bangkok.

i hope everyone else's holiday was as enjoyable as mine.

*thanks to mogua for the picture.

doesn't it piss you off when a person you don't like in real life makes an appearance in your dreams? that shit really irks me. the other night i dreamt that i was eating thai street food with someone i used to work with, but for some reason, this girl that i just do not enjoy whatsoever was also eating with us, and i remember thinking in my dream, wtf is she doing here?! when i woke up, the first thing i thought was how dare she be in my dream. who the hell is she to ruin my sleep like that? that bitch.

i love books.

i especially appreciate large, beautiful coffee-table books that have amazing photographs. i love the weight of these books, the stories they tell, and the smell of the paper stock that reaches my nose with each page i turn.

i received this awesome care package from my friends back home in nyc, and amongst the many great gifts inside, was this book that was personally autographed by my best friend's boss. it's simply called Anna Sui, and is her career retrospective book on the past 20 years of her life.

my friend told anna what i was doing in bangkok, and so she signed it, "LIVE YOUR DREAM!" how inspiring is that??

thanks to my friends for sending me some much needed love from home.

you haven't really lived until you've rode on the backseat of a motorcycle-taxi through the busy streets of bangkok, helmet-lessly gripping for dear life as you weave in and out of bustling traffic with the wind blowing in your hair.

damn, i'm in serious need of a home-cooked meal.

i've finally started to recover from being ill. there's nothing worse than the feeling of being debilitated in bed with nothing to do but sleep and wait for the pain to subside. my throat was hurting so bad that i couldn't even swallow my own saliva without cringing in pain. i didn't realize how severe it was until i dragged myself to a doctor and was told my tonsils were infected with pus all over them.

i'm feeling better now, and i can't describe how great it felt to gulp down some water. i'm not 100% yet, but hope to be in the next few days.

my sleep schedule is all out of wack and i just woke up a few hours ago around 4am. i'm currently trying to get some work done, but took a few moments to watch the sunrise from my balcony.

it's going to be another beautiful day in bangkok.

getting ill in a foreign country where you don't know anyone really sucks.

the last few days have been an absolute daze. i've been sick out of mind and unable to do anything but sleep at all hours of the day and night.

i finally went to see a doctor today here in bangkok and was prescribed some medicine. i can't wait to recover and eat solid food again.

anything box.

too awesome for words.

i prayed last night.

i usually don't pray too often, because i've never really sincerely been able to do so. i've blogged about this before, but when i used to go to church in high school and would pray, it just didn't seem to naturally flow. i would think, well God knows everything, and while i'm purely doing the physical act of closing my eyes with my hands together and trying to have a conversation with Him, i would think that He knows that my thoughts are vacant and even if i tried to pretend to pray, He can see that i'm really thinking about something else so it would be disrespectful to even try. hence, that is why i usually don't pray. but last night i did, and i told Him that i am putting aside my usual prayer issues because i really just needed to talk with Him. i asked for the courage and the strength to make the right choices in my life in order to be happy. i don't feel like i'm ever happy. i have moments of happiness, but they fade away like the passing wind. sure, i know that life is not filled with just happy moments, but i have this constant, underlying sense of emptiness at all times, which doesn't ever feel like a strong enough foundation to support any emotion at all. it envelops everything instead, and the emptiness remains. i'd like to be happy, but i don't know how. and i know it's something i need to find within myself, but i just don't know how to. i don't believe in the concepts of "ideal" or "normal" or "standard" because they don't exist to me, so i'm searching for my own version of these things. but i haven't discovered them yet. i'm 27, when will i know how to define these things in my own life? when i think about my childhood, my brain tends to focus on all negatives impacts that happened, and i want that to stop. but those impressions are there, and i feel that they're what my real foundation is, and i hate that. life is all about choices, i'm well aware of that. people choose to wake up in the morning and get out of bed. people choose to a eat a over b for lunch. people choose to make that decision which will affect their life in a or b way. most times, i try to choose and see my life in a certain way and take the positive learning lessons from any negative experience, but my system feels flawed due to the lack of a healthy basis. like all humans, i have my moments of self-pity (and perhaps that could be what this is right now), but i'm always humbled by other things in life and the challenges others experience, and that puts it all into perspective and i try to move on. then that moment will pass and the next one will appear and i'll do the same. i just---i just wish i could re-wire my brain sometimes. however, i know that's impossible and so i work with what i have. but it just doesn't seem like it's working and i don't know how to make it work. i aspire to feel fulfilled, and that's what ultimately made me decide to take a huge chance and leave nyc for a while and go to korea. that turned out the way it did, and so i decided to be in bangkok now. throughout my life, it seems like i set up a goal and achieve it, and when i get there, that moment of satisfaction and achievement never materializes. it leaves me to think, "okay, now what?" i don't want to dwell and obsess anymore. i want to feel free and liberated from all this worry and anxiety that wants to define me. i know that my insecurities, mistakes and past fuck-ups don't define me, but in reality i feel like they do because i don't have anything else to define me or my life by at the moment. life is the way you see it, but i feel like my lenses are a much darker tint than i'd like them to be. i used to blame this on things that happened in my childhood, and as i got older i chose not to do so, but i just can't see any other reason why things are like this. i feel damaged. i'm void of emotion. i want to cry. i want to laugh wildly until i feel pain in my stomach. i want to feel something other than this. i want to love someone. i want someone to love me. all my issues with dating and relationships stem back to this, and i know until i conquer all this, i won't have the capability of being in a loving relationship with someone. it sure would be nice to have someone to spoon with right now, i'd give anything for that. and not just with anyone, but someone i truly care about. for certain reasons, i grew up always feeling afraid and like i was not good enough, that, who i am as a person is not the way i'm supposed to be and learning how to cope with that is still an everday battle. i have an addictive personality and subconsciously self-medicate my pain, and have been doing so my whole life, but i just can't do that anymore. food, drugs and alcohol are all things i grapple with, and i need to find something more healthy to be addicted/pre-occupied with. but fuck man, it's not easy to do that. but i'm going to get it done. i will accomplish and overcome all that somehow. i refuse. yes, i refuse to go down that dark path again---i want to move forward with my life.

my spirit will be okay, someday, somehow---it just has to be. i know it. i am nothing without hope. until that day, i will strive to do my best to achieve that.

i miss my friends.

it's 4:49 am.

i'm alone in my room with the balcony door open, and i can feel the breeze of bangkok air. it's soft, and delicate, and feels great on the skin, like lotion made of the wind.

every single light is turned off. as i lie in bed wearing boxers and with my hands pillowing the back of my head, the screen from my laptop illuminates enough of the ceiling for me to watch the rotating fan spin counter-clockwise.

must. stop. wasting. away.

i think i might have to start boiling my clothes in order to get my nasty sweat-funk out of them.

i love the view from my room.

i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. hopefully? i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. maybe? i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this.

why do i like to get fucked up so damn much?

i've arrived in bangkok.

yesterday i was in seoul and wearing a peacoat during the day, and today i'm in a t-shirt and rolling up my pant legs. it's really hot here. i sweat so much that i get whiffs of my funk at random moments throughout the day.

i feel exhausted---will write a proper update next time.

with my time in korea coming to an end, i thought i'd reflect on my past six months here.

arriving here this past june feels like another lifetime ago---i can't believe it's already december. long gone are the days of oppressive heat and humidity in the summer that forced me to always carry around an extra t-shirt in my bag. it's finally winter now, and it feels great to walk in brisk weather again. i feel like so much has happened in such a compact amount of time, and now i'm leaving for bangkok in less than 24 hours. i've moved out of my place already, said all of my goodbyes, and am ready to transition into the next chapter of my life.

as for korea, here are just a few memorable and random things that i will forever take away from my time here. they're in no particular order:

-for the first time in my life, getting hospitalized on two separate occasions. each time had me blowing through the streets of seoul by ambulance, and the second time had me recovering in the hospital for a week after undergoing surgery for appendicitis.
-visiting the southern tip of the peninsula and checking out the nation's largest green tea fields.
-getting to spend some quality time with my cousin tim.
-lucking out with my timing and getting to see some of my relatives from the states who were all visiting korea for different reasons.
-experiencing an extremely frustrating job search.
-dating... a lot.
-$1.35 bottles of soju at any convenience store.
-bartending at a gay bar.
-discovering different neighborhoods in seoul by foot alone at night while blasting music in my headphones.
-eating grilled pork at restaurants for less than $6 a serving---ain't nothin' wrong with that.
-hongdae.
-getting too shit faced drunk and waking up butt ass naked at random places on numerous occasions (these incidents were usually not sexual in anyway, just embarrassing).
-living in a building that was haunted. during my three month stay there, i had countless ghost nightmares and other ghost experiences.
-bike riding along the hangang river during the summer.
-never having $.
-more dating.
-feeling liberated from being in a new environment.
-meetings lots of great people and making new friends.
-landing my dream job after an exhaustive search.
-improving on my korean.
-emotional freedom from the baggage that awaits me back in nyc.
-interesting, delicious, and inexpensive street food.
-always being mistaken as 24 years old. having been really fat years ago does have its advantages (a.k.a. less wrinkles).
-$2.50 packs of cigarettes.
-dating some more.

goodbye korea, i will most likely not be back for a very long time. thanks again for everything.

it doesn't exist.