i'm a changed man.

i was eating yummy street food with earlier in the streets of bangkok, and i ran into the thai version of 2NE1's dara.

since i arrived in bangkok, i've noticed that many, many locals use these inexpensive menthol nose inhalers that can easily be purchased anywhere. it's apparent that some users are addicted to them, because i've seen so many people use them in a manner that appears pretty harmful . the thing is, some time ago, i too had a very bad menthol nose inhaler addiction. i'd obsessively use one 24/7 and it eventually became a very bad problem. i used to like that it'd make me feel more awake and refreshed, but i stopped when it was clear that i was doing it for all the wrong reasons.

anyway, i just wanted to share the picture below. i was having dinner last night on the street and a woman at the next table caught my eye. she was basically sitting there with the inhaler just dangling from her nose with her hands already occupied doing other things---now, that's what i called hardcore.

every day is a new day.

sometimes, i feel like damaged goods. i need to find someone who's fucked up in the head as i am to feel normal.

of the many things i appreciate about thailand and its culture, one would be its kindness for stray animals.

there are stray cats and dogs everywhere in bangkok, but i've never once seen anyone mistreat them. in fact, it's the complete opposite---people are usually warm and kindhearted towards the animals and always give them food as well. a lot of the cats and dogs are healthily overweight and just sleep all day on the sidewalks, and passersby have no problem stepping around them and leaving them be. the animals are completely harmless as well and i haven't seen any act aggressive towards people. i did seem to recognize however that not a lot of the animals seem really happy. sometimes i'll attempt to get their attention or try and play with them but they'll barely act like they give a shit. i've also noticed that not a lot of the dogs wag their tails or walk around with any excitement, which is sad to see. that's when the following question popped into my head: are cats and dogs happier as pets with owners? yeah, there are stray cats and dogs everywhere and in every city, but i've seen a substantially larger amount of stray animals in comparison to domestic ones with owners in bangkok. i don't know, seeing how listless and indifferent the stray cats and dogs of this city are made me wonder if they'd be happier living with a human that they could have some sort of relationship with. i pondered the idea that perhaps cats and dogs have been domesticated for so long that it can feel innately unnatural for them to not have a home with a human. when a household does have a cat or dog as a pet, it seems like a win-win situation and both parties are happy with the companionship. but maybe these animals are depressed because it's within their genes to be pets and they don't know what they're missing out on?

last summer while i was still living in seoul, i remember this muggy august night where i was getting ready to go grab a drink alone at my favorite bar. the weather in korea last summer was absolutely miserable, and on that particular august night, i think i was just fed up with it. i was tired of wearing the same cycle of clothes and i was bored with just wearing t-shirts everyday. so as i was getting ready, i suddenly got the idea to wear out my denim jacket that night. there's nothing at all spectacular or exceptional about my levi's jacket, and even to this day i'm not sure why, but i was absolutely adamant on wearing it out. i usually don't fuss over what i wear since i only own a handful of clothing, but the thought of wearing out the jacket that night was me giving a big middle finger to mother nature and the unbearable korean summer. i remember stepping outside my place a few times to check how i'd feel wearing it out, and i thought "okay what the hell fuck this i'm going to wear it out tonight and that's final."

by the time i got to the bus stop which is a block and a half away, i was already sweating profusely but refused to take off the jacket. i waited for the bus and remember wiping the sweat from my face over and over as i attempted to roll up the sleeves as far as i possibly could. after riding the subway and trekking my glandular-problem-having-ass to the bar, my t-shirt was drenched in sweat. in fact it was disgustingly muggy out and i was so sweaty that as soon as i stepped into the air conditioned bar, i took off the jacket to dry my sweat-drenched self and never put it on again for the rest of the night.

there is a reason why i'm telling this story, and it's because of what i see on a daily basis while walking through the streets of bangkok.

while i've been told that december and january are some of the more cooler months of the year for this city, it still can be really fucking hot out (currently averages out to 90 degrees a day). however, sometimes i'll see the more fashionable girls wearing chunky sweaters and heavy blazers or trendy guys in down jackets and layer upon layer of thick clothing. sure, everyone's tolerance for heat is different and maybe they're not hot wearing all that clothing, but from what i've witnessed, some of these kids are sweating buckets and look pretty uncomfortable. it's pretty clear that what these young people are choosing to wear is completely inappropriate for the weather, but then i think back to that hot summer night last year and i feel their pain. i can't imagine wearing just a t-shirt with pants on a daily basis. if i got bored from only wearing a summer wardrobe after a few months, some of the more fashion appreciating young people of thailand must be dying of boredom---kudos to them though for trying to keep things interesting.

here are some recent photos from two temple visits i made. both places were about an hour or so from bangkok, but i have no idea where because a friend drove and i just stared at other people in their cars the whole time.

i love all the historically epic temples in thailand---they're so beautiful and humbling.

do you ever have those days where everything is wonderful and you're so grateful to be in the very exact spot that you are in life? where all that you witness and think about was meant to be seen and learned on this day in history? and you want to remember and describe every moment on paper because it feels so life-altering? i don't know, i feel this sense of enchantment takes over me sometimes in bangkok, and i can't help but take a step back and just inhale deeply to take it all in. i was walking through this busy intersection of the city today and it just didn't feel real, it was too dreamlike to be real. the people and the cars and the big blue sky and the smells and the noises everywhere were in harmony. to be able to witness these sort of moments in time firsthand is really humbling. the crazy thing is, sometimes my whole day feels like this and my small little brain can't handle all the excitement. too bad i don't have a camera to chronicle my time here, but i guess it's okay since i have the moment already stored somewhere. i just need to find a way to eloquently transfer it into words.

it does feel great (and sort of odd) though to live everyday in this positive way of thinking.

ever since i joined twitter a few days ago, i feel like i don't know where to put my content anymore. there's too many choices and too many accounts and too many different audiences and too much 2011 online vernacular and i just feel so spread out everywhere and i'm mentally still in 1996.

1/13/11 time capsule.

dear future thwany, the following is how you looked on this day of history.

Sweaty at the Apple Store at Siam Square.

the anger, guilt, resentment, pain, and insecurities---i'm letting go of it all.

i have nothing to hide, i have nothing to be ashamed of anymore. i know that my sexuality has given me a lot of psychological issues, but now that everyone in my immediate family knows (whether they're accepting of it or not), i feel that phase of my life is finally over and i can move on.

it's funny how normal it feels to absolutely hate myself and everything about me for reasons that have been rooted deep into my psyche. i think it's taken me 27 years to learn how to truly love who i am and know my worth. i still have a lot of room for growth and while my personal issues and anxieties still exist, i'm choosing to focus on all the other great things in life. i've got to be more openminded and allow positive things to happen. i now know that i deserve more in life. i deserve to be happy. i deserve to live up to my full potential.

being negative and miserable all the time is just getting old and this change is much needed. i'm so grateful for all the good and the bad that i've experienced. life truly is what you make it and i plan to make it the most inspiring and fulfilling life i can have. i've been really happy this past week or so living with this new outlook and will do everything in my power to not revert back to my old ways.

i'm taking a deep breath, and releasing it all...

FUCK UNHAPPINESS.

whatever happened to HUMILITY?

do people simply just not find the trait to be desirable or appealing anymore? it upsets me that a lot of folks no longer feel the need to possess this quality.

i believe.

note to guys: a little bit of hair product goes a very long way.