"Sometimes... it's never quite enough."

From the song Perfect by Alanis Morissette. 

"I can never make him love me... never make him love me.
It's a bad religion
To be in love with someone
Who could never love you..."

From the song Bad Religion by Frank Ocean.

"Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at this moment.
                       
Said by Eckhart Tolle.

My good friend included this quote at the end of an email. Thank you for this, Susy.

"Tammy: Jerry, all I know is that I'm saving myself for someone really special.
Jerri Blank: Well, I'm doing the same thing! But in between I'm screwing a lot of guys who aren't that special."

From the short-lived show, Strangers with Candy. Season 2, Episode 1.

HAHAH.

I was going through my photos and stumbled onto this old one.

Back in college, an administration member I was friendly with once asked me if I wanted to make $200, and I said "sure!"

This was taken around The New School's buildings off 5th Avenue---and man, it sure was a cold ass winter afternoon that day.

Why do people say so many things that they don't mean?

"Let's take a ride, on the countryside 
Let's just get away
We can spend the night, 'till the morning light
Let's just get away."

From the song Let's Take a Ride by Justin Timberlake.

"Love or truth, this is what I prove, between me and you
Love or truth, whichever you choose, it's for me and you."

From the song L.O.T. (Love Or Truth) by M-Flo.

You in or you out?

The weather was really great this morning. 

There was no humidity whatsoever, so the light breeze felt so nice. It really made riding the bus with no air conditioning a lot more pleasant. Plus, the bus and roads were empty because it's Saturday, making the morning even more lovely.

Self-reliance is key.

"Roam if you want to
Roam around the world
Roam if you want to
Without wings, without wheels
Roam if you want to
Without anything but the love we feel."

From the song, Roam, by the B-52's.

The weather today in Bangkok is truly amazing.

Realizing that nobody cares is saddening.

Is there anything worse than a grown ass adult who constantly talks shit about people and doesn't understand the concept of discretion?

I don't understand how these sorts of negative people have friends...

It's past 4 a.m. and I can't sleep again. Sometimes, I think about all of mornings in my life where I've woken up late, been exhausted from like an hour of sleep, or even completely just slept in---thereby totally fucking up and missing what I had to do---because of insomnia, and it sure annoys the fuck out of me. Man, I wish I could just fall asleep.

It all means nothing to me.

When in doubt, just self-destruct...

"To live on a day-to-day basis is insufficient for human beings; we need to transcend, transport, escape; we need meaning, understanding, and explanation; we need to see over-all patterns in our lives. We need hope, the sense of a future. And we need freedom (or, at least, the illusion of freedom) to get beyond ourselves, whether with telescopes and microscopes and our ever-burgeoning technology, or in states of mind that allow us to travel to other worlds, to rise above our immediate surroundings."

From the article Altered States, in the August 27, 2012 issue of The New Yorker.

This week's episode of This American Life is titled "Fear of Sleep," and ACT V of the podcast is so depressing yet terrifying at the same time.

"The day had looked good. The day had lied. He felt he could not fight days like this."

From The Autograph Man, by Zadie Smith. Page 55.

What is life without hope...

A guy can dream, right?

Nothing is ever as exciting as it is in your head.

Here's a special edition of street dogs of Bangkok---7-11 style!

I'm not sure if it's for the human attention from possible passersby, or maybe even because of the cool air-conditioning being pumped from within the stores, but some Bangkok street dogs sure love to hang out in front of 7-11's.

I have such bad insomnia...

And how the hell is it already past 3 a.m.?

This past Saturday, Thailand began to enforce a new law that states that if a taxi driver in Bangkok refuses to go to your destination, they are liable to be arrested or subjected to steep fines.

I first read about this in The Bangkok Post just a few days before Saturday, and while I think it has good intentions, the reality of enforcing this law seems a bit unrealistic. 

While there are many taxi drivers here who are great and take you to your destination without any problems, I've definitely had my fair share of issues because of a few bad apples as well. 

In Bangkok, the city's norm really seems to be that if a driver doesn't feel like going to where you tell them, they just refuse and drive on. And since this practice is so widely accepted, I don't think many Thai people will try to change the driver's mind because they most likely want to avoid any sort of altercation with them. There are so many other logistical aspects of this new change that seems like it would be pretty hard to implement. Perhaps the law could possibly take a while in showing a difference in the accepted behavioral standards related to this, but I guess we'll have to say.

A police official in The Bangkok Post suggested that people call the city's traffic police hotline to submit their complaints. He also suggested always trying to record the initial conversation with the taxi driver to use as possible evidence, but of course it should be done "discreetly" so the driver doesn't react angrily or start threatening violence (which actually wouldn't be out of the question here).

Yeah, I don't know---it doesn't really sound like anything I'd want to do. Next time, if a driver refuses to take me to my destination, I have no problem whatsoever trying to flag down another passing one who would. Compared to yellow cabs in NYC, the taxi riding experience in Bangkok can sometimes get a bit more intense, and these are particular situations that I am just much happier not having anything to do with.

"Well, it was sweet because we got a fresh loaf of bread from the Polish bread factory in Greenpoint, and then went to the park and laid out on the grass to look at the stars. Then we used the bread loaf as a pillow together and he held me."

Said in a recent conversation with a very good (and who shall remain anonymous) friend in NYC.

HAHAHA. What the fuck...

"This unrequited love

To me it's nothing but a one-man cult."

From the song, Bad Religion, by Frank Ocean.

"Let's wander slowly through the fields

Slowly slowly through the fields

I know our love will never die

Just you and I

Through fields of joy

Through fields of joy

Through fields of joy."

From the song Fields of Joy by Lenny Kravitz.

"Wait... they don't love you like I love you..."

From the song Maps by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs.

When I see people working out while wearing their glasses, I can't help but wonder how they can stand it.

Happy Labor Day weekend, America!

"It took me 30 years to get the best shot of my life."

Said by Hawaiian surf photographer, Brian Bielmann, in the September issue of Outside magazine.

Can you imagine working a full three decades before producing what you think is the best work of your life? Holy shit...

What I would give to eat an entire Hass Avocado right about now with nothing but some salt & pepper and a spoon...

"The being alone is better. That is what one has to learn ultimately. It really is better to be alone; it is horrible---but it is better.
                 
Worst of all, I am ashamed of being alone. Or is it my loneliness that I am ashamed of? I have closed the shutters so that no one can see. Me. Alone."

From Lorraine Hansberry's informal autobiography---To Be Young, Gifted and Black. Page 146.

“I’ve had one motto that I’ve always lived by: dignity, always dignity.” 

Said by the character Don Lockwood, played by Gene Kelly, in the movie Singin’ In the Rain.

I just watched this movie for the first time in my life the other night. And, words can’t describe how amazing it was. I don’t really enjoy musicals in particular that much, but a well-made movie is a well-made movie—and Singin’ In the Rain definitely falls under that category. It doesn't happen much, so I appreciated that I really was able to completely lose myself in the film, and even the fact that I’m living in Thailand or that I was watching it on my bed with my laptop slipped my mind for most of the duration.

The thought of my mother being 60 this year---in addition to Singin’ In the Rain celebrating its 60^th anniversary this year---also helped me wonder about how life would’ve been like watching it in the theatres at that time. If I was a little kid back then, I think I would’ve gone apeshit because it’s such a great experience. The actors are just perfect for their roles, the musical numbers are fun and heartfelt, the comedy of the film is hilarious, and some parts were even sort of trippy with different colors and other cool visuals.

I had never watched a film with Gene Kelly before, so I was just in awe of his talent. I have to say though that my eyes were more drawn to Donald O’Conner instead because oh man, he's just so physical with his talent. He’s singing and smiling and dancing and jumping and all this other crazy shit in every dance number---and while Gene Kelly is also doing the same, Donald O'Conner is more of the comic relief of the movie and so his slapstick definitely comes through as a little more zealous. And Debbie Reynolds was just spectacular. She was so beautiful and her voice and dancing made me so happy. I first came to know her more as Grace’s mother from the sitcom Will & Grace, and she was hilarious and perfect in that role as well. My favorite line of hers from one of her episodes was when Grace’s younger sister complains about something being unfair, and then Debbie Reynolds’s character said, “And so is my cottage cheese ass!” That still gets me every time—even just thinking about it makes me chuckle. Watching her in Singin’ In the Rain while knowing what she would be capable of many decades later, made it so evident that she’s such a talented and special person. 

Anyway, if you're looking for a family-friendly and all-around-fun and good-quality movie experience, check out Singin' In the Rain on its 60th anniversary---I can definitely understand why it's such a classic and will remain timeless forever. 

"The only sinful people in the world were dull people."

From Lorraine Hansberry's informal autobiography---To Be Young, Gifted and Black. Page 48.

"Child, when do you think is the time to love somebody the most: when they done good and made things easy for everybody? Well then, you ain't through learning---because that ain't the time at all. It's when he's at his lowest and can't believe in himself 'cause the world done whipped him so."

From Lorraine Hansberry's informal autobiography---To Be Young, Gifted and Black. Page 39.

"Don't be so hard on yourself,
Those tears are for someone else."

From the song Don't Cry by Seal from his album, Seal II.

Life in Bangkok.

Where do I belong...

Struggle.

Through my time living here, I've come to learn that corruption is a huge problem in Thailand, but this was my first time stumbling onto a rally to stop it. 

Disconnect.

Words can't describe how beautiful the weather is today here in Bangkok.

Day 1 can start at any moment...

A new minute. A new hour. A new day. RIGHT NOW.

There are two types of conversers: one that engages with statements about themselves, and another that engages with questions.

I was wiping my glasses yesterday evening before doing some reading in bed, and they completely snapped in half. These were from ALO in Seoul and lasted me a good two years. 

Thanks for everything, old pal.

You were in my dreams again last night... I wish we could be together...

"I am the sole author of the dictionary that defines me."

From Zadie Smith's new book, NW (via the September issue of Essence Magazine).

More dogs of Bangkok.

Serious is good.

.

Why is it so hard to find somebody that has the same views on commitment and a future?

Ten minutes before closing. Hold on bud, you're almost there.

The trees in Lumpini Park are so diverse and beautiful. 

One thing I appreciate and noticed a while ago about living in Bangkok is that when having a drink or meal with friends, the topic of conversation usually leads to the sharing of personal travel stories.

Since it's so easy to travel to nearby countries, islands and other awesome destinations from Bangkok, many people who reside here seem to take full advantage of all of that.

And while I've heard many funny and amazing stories so far, a friend recently shared one that I thought was pretty special. He told of traveling to Mumbai alone, and then going out to some bar one night. Things were progressing uneventfully until he became friendly with some locals, who then ended up getting him a drink. He said that after drinking it, he became dizzy and then blacked out. When he woke up the next morning in a hospital, they had stolen everything he had on him.

Thank goodness that in retrospect, he's able to tell this story with laughter, because it sure would've been impossible for some of us to hold in ours.

"The other day I cried. I felt stupid. But you know what? FUCK that day. That's why God, or whoever, makes new days."

Said by the character, Precious, in the movie Precious.

Sometimes when a random childhood memory is triggered from listening to a song, I think, "How is it that that actually happened?"

Do people not ask because they don't care, or because they're not naturally wondering about it?

Bad habits are so hard to change: the immediate is not always the best.

Patience.

Rice in unexpected teddy bear form, pork cutlet in a size that's more for the teddy bear, twelve french fries, and all served on a fading polka-dot dish.

This was not what I anticipated when ordering, but I have to give credit though to the restaurant for creating such a fun distraction. I guess small portions can sometimes be a good thing haha.

"You stood in my doorway, with nothing to say
Besides some comment on the weather."

Foolish Games from the 1995 album, Pieces of You, by Jewel.

I've listened to this song a countless number of times since the 7th grade, but today I noticed so many different things about it. There were a lot of lyrics that I suddenly thought were hysterical, but some others that I thought were so great and made much more sense to me now.

Azaleas by Kim SoWol

When you turn away from seeing me
and go,
gently, without a word, I shall send you away.

From Mount Yak in Yongbyon,
azaleas
I shall gather an armful and scatter them on your way.

Step after step away
on those flowers places
before you, press deep, step lightly, and go.

When you turn away from seeing me
and go,
though I die, no, not a single tear shall fall.

Snowy Evening by Kim SoWol

This evening as the wind dies,
as white snow comes pelting down,
just what you might be doing,
this very evening, now this year...

Even a dream, just let me have one!
Falling asleep, won't we meet?
The one I lost, that very one,
she comes riding down the white snow.

Evening. Let the white snow come pelting down.

This photo was taken eleven years ago in 2001 at South Street Seaport when I was 18 years old.

Sometimes when I look at old photos and think of all of the positive growth that has happened since then, it's sobering to realize that not all demons disappear with time---and that it's imperative that I myself learn how to manage and deal with them because only I am in command of them, and not them over me.

Food is my friend.

There are days when all of the ugliness and darkness of the world is all that I am able to see.

With such an off schedule for the past few weeks with visitors in town, my insomnia seems to be back in full force.

It's almost 3:30 a.m. here, and I've been trying to fall asleep to podcasts for the past few hours, but it's been ineffective.

It's August. Stating that almost has no significance, yet at the same time it so does. 

There are too many of the same questions, but with nothing new to help understand how to answer them, so I push them aside and focus on what I can.

Good night.