"Sometimes, you have to be stupid enough to start this kind of project. And then you have to be persistent, brave enough to finish them."

Said by Anders Solvarm in the Apple+ show HOMES. Season 1, Episode 1.

“There’s no escape,
I can’t wait.”

From the song Toxic by Britney Spears.

Miss steak.
Mistake.

I went a little crazy partying at home with my roommate yesterday. I think being stuck in the house is starting to get to me, so I started my Saturday afternoon drinking screwdrivers with Everclear to then drunkenly stuff my face with pizza later in the night. At one point we ended up dancing along to DJ sets on YouTube which helped me work up an appetite. I know I was feeling tipsy because I've been living a dairy-free life for quite some time. So while devouring that pizza was pure bliss, I've been paying for it all day today. And although I hadn't had Everclear since college, it was the only booze my roommate had and I didn't feel like running out to the liquor store, so I was grateful to work with what was in the house. Adaptability is key in these current times!

"Know it's good when you chewin' and you singin'."

From the song Captain Hook by Megan Thee Stallion.

Knock knock.
Whose there?
Annie.
Annie who?
Anyhoo, I’m at home.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Annie.
Annie who?
Anyhoo, a yawn is a cough’s cousin.

"I hope you don't mind,
that I put down in words.
How wonderful life is, 

while you're in the world."

From the song Your Song by Elton John.

Show them all your cards,
and roll eyes real hard.

HMI = Hold My Interest

Dear gray nose hair,

What is your deal?

xoxo,
Thwany

Megan and vegan do not rhyme.

Cereal.
Celery.
Caesar Salad.
You're my ballad.

It's a nice, sunny Saturday afternoon here in my room. It feels like it's been pretty cloudy and grey out the past few days, so this burst of spring is much appreciated.

So, life rolls on. In the quarters that is my room, I work, eat, and sleep here. I spend way too much time of it lying on my stomach in bed with a device at my fingers and the TV on. But room life has been fine so far. I'm grateful to have some space to myself to process everything. Drawing my blackout curtains helps in feeling like I have my own little escape, and that even sometimes includes moments where things actually feel quiet. I mean it never gets completely silent, but with less people and traffic on the street, focusing on listening to one layer of noise coming through the windows does become easier.

But yes, another week with a stay-at-home order has passed. Businesses are still closed. People are sick in hospitals and dying. The virus is still spreading, and the CDC now recommends that everyone wears face coverings when they're out.

I definitely don't feel stuck in my room. I feel at home in my room. Thank you, room.

Used to.

It's been almost three weeks since I began staying home. I pretty much have rarely ventured out of my place except to get takeout on my block or groceries nearby. I've been able to get on with what I have access to in my area and with delivery, but I really needed to restock on Korean ramen today, along with some other Asian stuff. So my roommate and I decided to actually get some air and walk to the nearest H Mart in the Upper West Side. It was about 35 blocks each way, and we stayed 6 feet apart from each other and anyone else we came across on the sidewalk. When we got to the supermarket, we stood in the line to get in with everyone spaced out 6 feet. Every time a customer exited the doors, the person at the front of the line went in. And when inside, things were fine. I like how the aisles weren't crowded, and I could just get my stuff and leave. I'm not sure when I'll go anywhere that far from my place again, but it was great to go for a nice long walk today. The weather was gray with a slight drizzle at times and I loved every moment of it.

Here are some pics from today's Sunday stroll.

"You want what now looks like, 

let me give you a taste."

From the song Future Nostalgia by Dua Lipa.

Doing the dishes.
Making wishes,
I had that to eat.
Feels so fictitious.

Gotta eat that receipt,

love to lick off the package.

You oughta taste that shit twice,

nothing short of ravage.

How is it already 11pm?

It's been ordered by the New York Governor that beginning at 8pm tonight, any non-essential workers are expected to stay home. Starting tomorrow, the only people commuting and on the streets will be from certain jobs and industries currently considered essential. The subways will be running and people can go out for food and walks, but people must remain 6-feet apart and social distance. And if you don't have to leave your home, just stay put.

Since last Monday, everything in New York has pretty much shut down. Throughout the week with every passing day, it's been closure after closure. So many different fabrics of society have been impacted, with people losing their jobs and many businesses now just trying to stay afloat.

It's like all of a sudden, life feels very different. Human contact is no longer the foundation to our everyday interactions but the part that we're trying to avoid. This change has altered everything we know.

The bar and restaurant industry was one of the earliest casualties of it all. Seeing what's happened to so many places is absolutely devastating. These small businesses were incubators of community, livelihoods, and culture and there's a shock that comes with them suddenly not being there.

It's x 100.

What is happening x 100.

It's the first week of all that's new, and it's only Wednesday. Watching every new update in real time is disorienting.

Death to the handshake.
A moment was all it takes.

David Attenborough, please tell us what happens next.

Elected officials are asking people not to go to bars and restaurants for now. Restaurants are voluntarily closing their doors until more is learned about the situation. Social distancing is recommended.

I've left my apartment sparingly since I began working from home on Tuesday. I've been going out about once a day for food on my block, but that's pretty much it. I guess it's been about the past 24 hours or so where the message to just stay home has been made clear, so this is where you'll find me.

Attic.
Addict.

Dear 2020,

In January, when I said you were just going to be another basic bitch year, my bad.

Love,
Thawny

All that could go wrong,
is just a beautiful song.

"Aquata.
Adrena.
Arista.
Adena.
Adella.
Alana."

From the song Daughters of Triton in the movie The Little Mermaid.

Room temp.
Yeah, you bent.

There’s a dire shortage of Purell for racism.

Dead plants,
tight pants.
So much angst,
but give thanks.

Self-care is not scrolling your life away at 1am.

I made this for you,
show me that gorgeous chew.

이젠,

버틸 수 없다고.

From the song 기억의 습작 by Exhibition.

"That's my shit, that's my wave.
Do it like that and I'll repay ya.
Don't be scared, I ain't afraid.
Just like that, come my way.

From the song Like That by Doja Cat ft Gucci Mane.

Is that necessary,
couldn't you just wait and see?
They promised the food was coming,
way to seethe.

Being a receptacle for sauce,
is what makes you the boss.

It ain’t none of my business,
except for my sandwich.
Cause the bite you’re taking,
I don’t think you can manage.

"I hadn’t googled him in forever (I promise)."

From the February 28, 2020, New York Times Opinion piece: My Ex-Boyfriend’s New Girlfriend Is Lady Gaga. By Lindsay Crouse.

This was such a fun read, and I also didn't know that "google" as a verb is lowercased. I see it now though.

Brain off,
just mosh.
Zero thoughts,
oh gosh.

Oh donkatsu and tteokbokki,
where you can you be?
Your friend jjajang is waiting,
I'll show you, come see.

Prepared to be read, bread.
Cause I ain't feeling no threat.
On the subway seeing the action,
satisfaction with all that might, passion.

Give me so funny, so stupid, so many eyes rolling back.

At the stoplight,
don’t press rewind.

All day I think, "okay, why am I thinking this?

"Didn't even notice, no punches left to roll with.
You got to keep me focused, you want it, say so."

From the song Say So by Doja Cat.

I seriously was looking for this song for so long. After hearing it in a million memes, I was like ooh that's catchy. But because I could never really make out the words, whenever I Googled "Gwen Stefani new song," I still could never find it. 

I mean, now I totally know it's not by her. But when the song surprisingly came out just now on my Spotify, I went to look at its name and thought, that's now how you spell Gwen Stefani.

"TAE, DO YOU WANT TO BE IN MY POETRY CLUB?"

An email with the subject line above was both my invitation and introduction to Thomas Miller's poetry club. 

It arrived in May of 2010, with the body of the email simply containing that week's poem, along with the name of its author and what years they lived. After giving it a read, I responded with an excited yes, saying I'd love to. But I wasn't sure what joining entailed, and if it took place at some sort of gathering or if I'd need to be buying books to prepare. So when I asked Thomas about how to join, my second installment of Thomas Miller's poetry club came with this email subject line: "You don't have to do anything...you just get a poem every week...like this one." 

And until this year, those poems have continued to come. 

I first met Thomas because he worked with my best friend Judy. Thomas and Judy weren't just coworkers who became close friends after years of working together, but they had a genuine friendship and connection. I mean, let's not even talk about them being birthday twins. But because he and Judy were close, I was able to get to know Thomas pretty well throughout the years. 

Thomas was genuinely one of the sweetest people I know. He was kind, and a definite one of a kind. He was loved for his big heart and also known for his unique style. And on top of all that, he was really interesting with tons of knowledge about art and whatever fine cultural events were happening in the city. On almost every day of the week, you could find Thomas out at an exhibit or sitting in the audience of some gorgeous production. Even the last time we hung out one-on-one was to watch ballet at Lincoln Center last year, which was my first time ever doing so. He loved anything that celebrated both the visual and performing arts and once told me he's "obsessed with looking at beautiful things." And this wasn't just for when he was outside his house.

Some years ago, a tough transitional phase of mine had me going through a long period of couch crashing. When Thomas heard about this through Judy, he generously offered to let me stay in his spare bedroom for a few months as I got back on my feet. Thomas had been living in his place since the 80s, so stepping inside his home was a deep immersion in who he was. Practically every inch and corner was decorated with some item. The spare bedroom I slept in was filled with things as well, from eccentricities I couldn't stop staring at to shelves of books and delicate figurines. And because there was no Internet connection in that room, a small analog tv near the bed was what I usually used to break the silence as I admired my surroundings. Being there in his home with all of the things he loved comforted me in a way. I was so used to living out of a suitcase with minimal belongings, and that's why Thomas' place was a great reminder in the serenity that can come from a home with stuff that brings you joy.

Sadly, Thomas passed away last weekend. His funeral was yesterday, and I was grateful to be able to go and say my goodbyes. You can read his obituary here, and also a recent article about him here. And as for Thomas' poetry club, while they became less frequent in the past few years, he had kept up sending out his poems since he first signed me up a decade ago. The final poem Thomas ever sent was on January 5th of this year.

While going through old photos to look for ones with Thomas, I found the following ones below I took at a work dinner of his, Judy's and their colleagues. This night is from exactly ten years ago in February of 2010.

Rest in peace, Thomas. You were a light to many.

Thomas Miller (1958-2020)

"He prolly thinkin' I'm in pain,

but I'm really on game."

From the song B.I.T.C.H. by Megan Thee Stallion.

"I've got a meeting in the ladies room,
I'll be back real soon.

From the song Meeting In The Ladies Room by Klymaxx. 

Turn off television.
Put away phone.
Blast music.
Open laptop.
Don't stop.
Let the prose drop.

Into fear.
Interfere.

I don’t think I can do this anymore.

Turning 37,
has me asking when?

Parasite.

Heck yeah!

The game has changed,
nothing remains.
Yet you’re still the same?

That's insane.

Microscopic,
next topic!
Kick that thought,
emptied pockets.

"I'm gonna ride this motherfucker 'til the wheels fall off. Live your life."

Said by Martin Lawrence in his stand-up special Runteldat.

At this point,
it's smarter.
To let go,
bye martyr!

Tweaked.
Tweaker.
Obliques.
Bleaker.

The past few weeks or so.

Can't hear you,
can't see you.
Can't meet you,
won't do.
At sunrise,
be surprised.
Same bullshit,
it's true.

Well if you put it that way...

It exists.
Hit or miss,
stay true to your shit.
When running on empty,
stare at that list.

I have tteokbokki fever.

"There's a certain detachment that sensitive people must maintain to endure the harsh realities of this world."

Said by RuPaul in his audiobook Guru.

You’re not interesting.

Somewhere else.