Wednesday, September 05, 2007

does anyone else have their cliche, high-school-era-nightmares that have them waking up in a cold sweat? on tv they always show characters saying they showed up to school naked, but mine isn't quite like that.

mine ALWAYS have the same story line, and when i get them i usually tend to freak out and wake up in an absolute state of panic.

this is what happens in mine: i'm back in high school and have been cutting my math or science class for the past 2 weeks and am scared to go back to class because i think i'm going to get yelled at by my teacher. then i think i can't graduate and get my diploma, and that's where the panic sets in. while the dreams do tend to vary in plots and endings, they always have that same story line and i end up waking up confused, scared, and anxious.

as you can tell, i have some traumatic memories and issues from high school. truancy was my favorite class, and it tended to get me into deep shit.

anyhoo, i've been sleeping very hard for the past 2 weeks. it's odd. i can't seem to wake up for anything, my body is just physically exhausted and refuses to wake up when my 3 (yes three!!) alarms go off. i hate being like this. i can't wake up for shit and can't ever get anything done in the mornings. i told my friend about it, and he said i might be depressed. that would make sense because, well i just haven't been feeling right the past few weeks. i think the stress of finding a job has really been getting to me.

this morning on the subway i thought i wanted to kill myself. i just fucking hated everyone and everything and i knew i just needed to take a breather, so i watched sarah mclachlan's music video for "world on fire" (which i purchased onto my ipod months ago) and was instantly humbled. i need to be humbled more often. i have to realize that my life ain't as bad as millions of others around the world.

blah. good night.

3 comments:

  1. I have never heard of this song nor the video so I went to YouTube and saw it. Walk on Fire is a great video. Thanks.

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  2. aw, well i dunno if this'll help, but here's something i learned a little while ago when i used to be waaay depressed. i might feel down about whatever, family/job/friend stuff, hating everything, but then i'd feel bad *about* feeling bad. like i'd almost feel like i *shouldn't* feel bad, or i'd feel ashamed about feeling bad, which would make me feel worse, and it just kinda cycled like that. well, eventually i learned that i didn't have to feel bad about feeling bad, you know? because i knew two things. first, anyone else would have felt like shit in the same situation, and second, lots of other people have felt like shit for similar things and worse things and still made it ok, and so i could, too, probably, if i stuck it out a little. so then when i felt like shit, i was... ok with it. i tried to improve things, and i wasn't ashamed of feeling shitty, and i didn't go into some endless cycle of shittiness. and anyway, when i realized all this, i felt sad less and got happier faster, which made me go out and take care of my business better, which then made me even happier.. etc.

    ha! that wasn't very literate, but i tried. if this doesn't help you, at least know that you're not the only one out there who could use a hug, that you can stick it out if you try and are ok w/ yourself.

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  3. I find that reading the news alone can be quite humbling when you read about the war and all the catastrophes happening all over the world. But a music video works too, whatever it takes to get you there.

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