whenever there's a birthday in the office, we always get crumbs cupcakes. you would think that for an epicurean magazine, we'd get a little bit more creative every now and then with the celebratory food... but we normally don't. however, the other day we did go to 'wichcraft for ice cream sandwiches in bryant park since it's only a block away. they were made out of fresh strawberry ice cream with either an oatmeal or chocolate shell and honestly, they were not that good.

anyhoo, all this got me thinking and i told some of my closer coworkers that for my next birthday, i'd like a big mac with a candle in it becaus i love me a fucking big mac. so do away with all your fancy sweets, and give me a number one with a candle instead, and that'll be the best birthday ever.

i've been trying to write a happy and pleasant entry for the past hour, but i swear to you, my mind is drawing an absolute blank. i'm not depressed or feeling down or anything, just tired and indifferent.

anyone else want to share some good news with me?

has anyone ever told you something about someone that just completely floored you? something that is so painful and devastating to hear, that you don't even know what to say or how to feel? you try and let the information process, but the pain and sadness gets mixed in with the regret and anger, and you sit there with the phone to your ear, trying to imagine the dark time in that person's life and the hell they must've gone through.

...i'm sorry you went through that.

i've decided that i want my life to be completely different than how it is. i feel pretty unhappy about a lot of things, and it's time for some major, major changes. what that means is i'm going to be fucking up and making lots of mistakes but i don't care because those are my mistakes to make and i know whatever lesson i learned from it would have been worth it.

one change is, i'm moving out of queens. yes, it is time for me to move onto another borough. i found this tiny shithole of a room in an apartment in DUMBO and starting on august, i will officially be a resident of brooklyn. i know i'm probably getting stiffed on the rent, but honestly i'm too exhausted to keep looking for fucking apartments. finding a place to live in nyc is hell sometimes, especially if you're broke as fuck.

i just had my one week vacation and have to go back into the office in like 7 hours. i'm having heart palpitations thinking about all the unread emails that are sitting in my inbox and all the voicemails waiting to be listened to.

this month has been sort of stressful, and because of work, my living situation, financial issues, partying, and pure laziness (yes, i know i was a lazy fuck), i've gained 12 pounds. i know that it is completely my fault, but am not worried because i plan to kick myself back into gear and start working out and eating healthy again.

i realized that my life is what i make it, and i have to figure out my own route to happiness and stability. i think that the next few years are going to very challenging, but i'm excited to see all the shit that will happen and the things i'll learn. i hope that in the future when i'm reading back on this entry, i'll chuckle at how my life used to be and realize all the changes i've been through.

thank you for today.

no regret is a korean movie i first blogged about in april 2007. the movie is about two gay men: one grew up in an orphanage and ends up working as a prostitute in seoul, and the other is a closeted guy who comes from a rich family that doesn't accept his sexuality. the rich guy ends up visiting the bar where the other guy works, and that begins their complex and challenging relationship.

this past weekend, i was making my weekly rounds of the small independent movie theaters downtown and was excited to see "NO REGRET coming july 25" on cinema village's marquee. i definitely reccomend this movie to everyone, especially if you're gay and asian. this movie is very well made, and i guarantee that its candor and openness about the subject matter of homosexuality in korea will make you see it in a completely different way. i remember after watching this movie, i didn't feel that being gay and korean was such an abnormal thing. there are others out there, just like me, and we all have our own stories.

if this movie seems at all interesting, please go watch it. it starts next friday on july 25 at the cinema village, which is on 12th between university and fifth. i'm always about supporting the smaller independent theaters downtown. without them, the only film choices new york city would have would be "batman" and "wall-e." fuck those dumb ass big budget hollywood movies, like those studios or those damn stadium seating megaplex movie theaters need anymore goddamn money.

vindication.

fuck you asshole.

it's funny, my friend who's apt i'm crashing at for a month has the same rice-cooker that i bought for my parents 5 years ago when we all lived in flushing.

i haven't lived in a house with a rice-cooker since i left home, and for some reason, every time i open the rice-cooker here at my friend's apt, the familiar motion, sound and look of the cooker makes me feel like i'm in flushing again. i look around me for a split second, thinking that juju's going to run up to me to beg for food, but then i realize i'm just having a moment.

that makes me kinda sad.

did i tell you that my phone died in my hands last week?

it's been almost 7 days w/o a cell phone, and it's oddly liberating. we'll see how long this lasts.

what is it about sundays that make me feel like absolute shit?

you know when i turned 25 this past february, i made a mental list in my head of the things i had to accomplish this year. i have to admit that almost 5 months have gone by, and i haven't kept my word on a single thing i promised myself i would do.

well, today i found a way to check one of those things off my list, and i think will keep me busy until september 29.

turning 26 is less than a year away and i am determined to accomplish these goddamn goals.

i wish i could forgive you.

i don't know...

happy 4th of july everyone.

i just finished watching the macy's fireworks display on nbc. kind of lame.

anyway, i watched The Wackness earlier today with my friend jess. you know i don't watch movies too often, and it's even harder for me to find a movie i enjoy, but i definitely recommend this move to everyone. it's about an 18 year old kid who's graduating from high school in 1994 and all the events that happen to him that summer. the movie is very well written and pretty funny, and ben kingsley is such an amazing actor and yet again gives an awesome performance. he'll always be itzhak stern from schindler's list to me, that's my favorite movie of all time. if you live in nyc, go watch it! it's playing at the angelika.

after the movie, my friend and i walked to ippudo and ate some ramen. here are some pics.

i've designated july "me" month. i'm going to try and focus on bettering myself in every way instead of focusing on negative things. i want to start reading more, shining at work, and working out again.

some other updates on my life, i moved out of my crackhouse this past weekend and am staying at a friend's place for a few weeks. my friend grace turned out to be my guardian angel by letting me stay here, i'm not sure what i would've done if it wasn't for her. i've got to find a new place in a few weeks, but i guess i'll have to worry about that when the time comes. here are some things i will not miss about my old apartment:

-roaches
-my dirty ass roommate
-finding cockroaches chilling on the tip of my toothbrush
-a broken doorknob and it taking me 5 minutes to get outside my apartment
-dead roaches in my closet
-the toilet leaking all over the floor
-people who lived above me that stomped around every night around 1:30 am
-people opening my mail and putting it back into my mailbox
-waking up to a swollen and itchy body because of bedbugs
-having to throw my bed away because of bedbugs
-dead roaches in my dishes
-beads in the kitchen doorway
-getting gauged on rent
-dead roaches in my clothes
-crazy ass neighbors who lived without closing their door or having a DAMN DOORKNOB
-roaches

oh, life...

aside from my messy living situation, work right now is insane and i don't know when or if things are going to slow down. i am barely hanging on until the weekend. once thursday end of day comes, i will be the happiest man alive.

anyway, here's some pictures from last friday. i went to carmines in the UES to eat some amazing, family-style italian food. i hadn't been to that carmine's location in seven years, i couldn't believe how fast time flies. i guess that's just the way things go.