i didn't get laid off, woohoo. actually, the amount of people who got laid off was relatively low compared to other companies. but people did lose their jobs, people with families and mortgages and bills, and that's really unfortunate. blah.

on a side note, has this ever happened to you? you're at work and you go to the bathroom to do your business. you're sitting on the toilet, thinking about all the work you have to do and then you finish doing what you have to do. then you reach for the toilet paper... but there is none. you look under the toilet paper dispenser and your true fears have been confirmed, you have nothing to wipe your ass with. believe it or not, this was the second time it happened to me in the past few weeks. the first thought that popped into my head was, "wtf, shit like this really happens to people in real life?? i thought stuff like this only happened in bad comedies" i guess it's also my fault for using the same stall twice and not learning my lesson. suffice it to say, i did what i had to do and went on with my merry day.

layoffs are happening everywhere --- the downturn of the economy is evident in every industry within the nation, and publishing is no different. from the l.a. times, the new york times, radar, cosmogirl, and countless other publications, people are getting fired, companies are closing down, and there's nothing that can be done about it.

it's been rumored in my office that there will soon be an announcement of layoffs within the the publishing company i work for, which is owned by one of the largest financial institutions in the world. i heard last week that the announcement will come tomorrow, and lo and behold, a little after 5 pm today, our whole department gets an email from our publisher about an 11 am meeting tomorrow that will announce the future and some changes within our publishing company.

people are definitely freaked out in the office, but as for me, i know that everything happens for a reason. right now i'm giving 120% at work, and if that's not good enough and they think i am one of the people who should be laid off, then it is what it is. honestly, i'm not really worried about tomorrow, but you never know about these things. we'll see how it goes.

it sure feels good to come back home.

don't get me wrong, i had the most amazing time in wisconsin, but all that eating, drinking and schmoozing was getting really tiring after a while.

now it's back to real life and i've got to prepare for an upcoming busy workweek. the good news is, all i have to do is make it through the next five days of work and i'm on a one-week vacation, fuck yeah.

i did want to mention one thing about my business trip. my colleague and i were treated with the best amenities by the company, and i was able to attend every single event i wanted to and socialize with some of the greatest culinary talent in the country. from gift baskets to complimentary everything --- i felt very lucky and a bit spoiled by it all, and loved every minute of it. however with all the great stuff that happened, there was also an incident which really pissed me off. and i'm only writing about it because i think it's worth mentioning, but it in no way reflects negatively on all the million amazing moments i had.

on my last night in wisconsin, my colleagues, some of the event's talent and i were having drinks at the best restaurant in town, which happened to be in our hotel. at about midnight, everyone says they're tired and that they're retiring for the night. i was the youngest of everyone and the only one that wanted to stay out so i decide to hit up the local pub for a nightcap, which is also inside the hotel. i just wanted to get one beer before i went to bed, so i sat at the bar alone and ordered my local wisconsin draft on tap. as i'm sitting at the bar, there isn't really anyone else at there except for a group of three guys to my left. the bartender brings me my drink, and as i'm drinking my beer, i hear a guy in the group to the left of me say, "FUCKING FOREIGNERS." i immediately look to them and see the guy turning his head after making the racial statement. then at that moment, a group of 3 girls come out of the bathroom and come in between myself and the group of guys.

now, i'm pretty fucking pissed off after hearing this. i will be the first to say that i am a big pussy and don't enjoy fighting, but there are some things that you just don't and can't let go. especially coming from this ignorant motherfucker who assumes i'm a "foreigner" because i'm asian. i ask one of the girls if those guys were their friends, and she says no. so i lean over and get the guy's attention and ask if he just called me a "fucking foreigner." he seemed pretty surprised at my reaction and went on this whole bullshit tangent and assured that he wasn't talking about me, but about a beer instead. all i did was laugh at him, finish my beer, and go back to my hotel. i swear, stupid ass racist idiots in the country. if you're going to make a racial slur at me, don't fucking act like you didn't, man. you just embarrass yourself.

on our hour-long drive back to the milwaukee airport, i asked my colleague, "since this is how 95% of americans live, do you think rural america is reality, or living in a melting pot like new york is a reality?" she answered that they're "alternate realities." that really made me think about how lucky i am to have been born and raised in nyc --- i love this city and this is where my life and reality is.

anyway, here are some pictures i took from my trip. fyi, whenever i travel, i'm always obsessed with watching the local news and seeing what's going on in these places i've never heard of before --- so much fun haha. enjoy.

i'm in kohler, wisconsin.

i got here thursday evening, and have been in timeless bubble that is filled with wine and food. all i have been doing is eating amazing food and drinking tons of award winning wines ---- i guess my job isn't so bad after all. kohler itself is beautiful and everyone is really nice. it's also so nice to get the fuck out of new york for a while.

i borrowed my friend's camera and am taking tons of pictures here, i'll post some after i get back home on sunday.

i wore the same pants to work for the past 3 days. i don't know how the hell i let myself do that.

i finally found an apt and signed a one year lease. i'll be living in clinton-hill in brooklyn.

i'm going to wisconsin this weekend for work, it's been a while since i've been out of nyc.

i have a one week vacation during the first week of november. i'll probably spend that first week settling into my new apt and doing nothing.

all i need now is a job i love and a golden retriever and i'd be all set in life.

sometimes i wonder if i know what it means to really struggle. i would say that i've made many mistakes in the past and am paying the consequences for them now, and probably will continue to do so in the next few years. struggling financially is such a challenge and burden when you're also trying to live and survive in life. but i have hope and the knowledge that things will only get better from this point on. and then i think about my parents and the millions of other immigrants in this country who still struggle to survive constantly on an everyday basis. if they can do it --- i can do it. sometimes i look at pictures of my parents and extended family of when they all first emigrated to this country in the 1970's and wonder, "what the hell was going through their heads?" everyday i think about my future and what i want to do in my life, i can't even imagine what thwarted dreams and aspirations they once had. and what did they think about on a daily basis? getting food on the table? exploring their new american culture? what hopes and dreams did they have? the country was SUCH a different place back then, and i don't know if i would've been brave as they were to come to a new country and take a chance for a better future. it's also so interesting to see how young and hopeful they all looked... they were once like me, too.

i was at my sister's house last week when i heard that choi jin-sil hanged herself in her apt in seoul while her mother was home. i loved choi jin-sil, she was one of the first korean actresses i started watching in the 90's and couldn't believe it when i heard the news of her suicide. i still can't believe she's dead and sometimes just obsessively google her name and the word "suicide" to see if there's any new information on her death.

i think the idea of suicide resonates so much with me because it makes me sad to think that there are people out there who feel that alone. reading back on this blog, i used to have such deep depression and feel lucky to have survived through those dark years in my life. it creeps back on me every now and then, but i feel like i've learned to cope with it better and i know what i need to do to make it go away. it doesn't always work, but i'm still in a much better place than i used to be. people say that suicide is the most selfish thing to do, and while i agree with that --- i also do empathize with people who feel such strong, uncontrollable pain and sadness in their lives and they don't know how to make it go away. when i get depressed, i get indifferent and question everything at the same time. why am i here? what is the point of my life? what would happen if i was dead?

but at 25, i've now come to learn that life is so great, no matter what you're going through. yeah-sure, things could always be better, but things could always be worse. maybe it's the fact that i'm in my twenties and i still have such hope and dreams for my life, but i know i'm going to be happy and i'll eventually obtain everything i've ever wanted.

talking about this is bringing me down again so i will end this post with a video. while i normally don't like to post videos here too often, the following is a clip from a korean drama in the 90's called "Jealousy" (질투) that is near and dear to my heart. i actually remember watching this drama as a little kid in the early 90's, and specifically remember the last scene because it was the best ending of a drama ever and became an instant classic when it went cut right to some footage of all the production crew. even watching the scene now, i can remember why i loved it as a 9-year old kid.

yesterday was a life-changing day.

one of my bosses at work was able to score me two tickets to haruki murakami's interview at this year's new yorker festival. all i've got to say is, this event sold-out in eleven minutes when tickets went on sale a while ago and i was absolutely elated to be there. i NEVER in my life thought that i would ever be able to see or be in the same room as murakami. it's like expecting to go to a reading by vladimir nabokov---it's just not going to happen.

but with murakami it did happen, and i left the interview feeling inspired about life and my future as a writer. i'm pretty lazy as an aspiring writer because, well---i never write anymore. whenever i finish work and come home, the last thing i'm feeling is inspired to write. but i've got to figure out a new system to get myself inspired and get my thoughts in writing because i'm already 25, and i've got to start making shit happen for myself.

october 5, 2008, will forever be the day in my life where i got to see one of my literary heroes in person. i've met and seen countless celebs, but this is one of the very few that actually matter to me. i feel such a connection with him, especially after yesterday. some of his thoughts on life and the writing process are things that i also fully believe in and i got such goosebumps during the event.

here are just a few notes i came away with after the interview ended. murakami...

1. thinks he never dreams while he sleeps because writing is like dreaming, and that's how all writers dream---they write
2. writes without a plan. all he has is his opening scene of a book, and he just goes from there
3. wakes up at around 3-4 AM because that's when he does his best writing. a lot of his books have an underlying theme of a a dark underworld, and that's the time where he feels closest to that other world
4. says writers have to be tough in order to make it
5. said, "my imagination is my asset---my gift"

the best thing murakami said last night was, "if the protagonist is happy, there’s no story at all.” that pretty much sums up my life.

thank you, haruki murakami.