i was on the subway today, staring out the window as it was going over hangang, the large river that cuts through seoul.

i don't know why but i suddenly started thinking about how much i miss my sister back in nyc and i started to tear... i think she's the only person that can bring me to tears by just even thinking about them. it doesn't matter where i am, when i think about her my eyes start to water.

anyway, i currently don't have a camera and am unable to post pictures from korea, but here are some from when i took my sister out to dinner to my former workplace right before i came to korea.

i miss her and love her so much. isn't she beautiful?

i'm so tired but i just can't fall asleep.

i also only slept two hours last night. i feel drunk off exhaustion when i get to this point and trying to focus is often difficult.

one day i know i'm going to end up doing something really stupid and crazy due to the fact that my mind is racing, i'm alone, it's the middle of night, i'm frustrated and in dire need of something to ease my lonely thoughts. i wish i could just tell my brain to chill out and take a break, but it doesn't want to listen. it just thinks and thinks and thinks and thinks some more.

reading helps until the point where i'm ready to put the book down and get some shut eye, but then i turn the lights off and just end up tossing and turning in bed, unable to ease into that unconscious state of happiness. sleeping pills is a definite no-no for me---been there, done that and my body is immune to them. i never know if working out in the day actually helps because it doesn't really seem to affect me when i'm trying to fall asleep later that night. watching tv is nice but i usually stay up longer when i do so. i try some creative writing sometimes but i can't ever express my thoughts on paper correctly and know when to close microsoft word and give it a rest.

hmm, i do think that some great conversation would help though.

do people even believe in sincerity anymore?

i really need a new look. i've had the same style for way too long and i'm so bored of everything.

it's never too late... right??

one of my favorite things about korean culture is the abundance of saunas everywhere. most are open twenty-four hours and for as little as five dollars, you can soak in a stone jacuzzi, sweat out some toxins in a dry/wet sauna, plunge yourself in ice cold water, watch television, get a message, eat, or even sleep in the communal napping area for as long as you please. men and women each have their own separate sections so the environment is pretty relaxed, and i've seen dads come with their young sons so it's family friendly as well. i prefer to go alone because i like to go and calm my mind a little. plus, i try to stay much longer but i'm usually in-and-out after thirty minutes since i usually sweat profusely and my tolerance for heat isn't as high as other people.

i just got back from the sauna and i feel so much better and relaxed about everything---i think i might take a nap.

i've got to stop self-medicating with food. i normally never talk about my food issues here because mine are fucking major and it's such a never-ending personal struggle for me, but i'm at a point in my life where i've come to understand it and learned how i can grow (not sideways) from it. while i've learned to control a large part of it, i've still got food issues and those tendencies surface if i'm stressed, lonely, or just not feeling great. food distracts me and always brought me great comfort in life. like any addict who deals with their issues in any unhealthy way, food can become a dangerous drug for me. i'll think and obsess about eating something and will not stop until i get my fix. that means whether i have to cancel plans with someone or ask for two sets of everything to make it seem like there's more than one person who will be eating the food order i'm picking up or go completely out of my way to acquire what it is that my brain thinks it needs in order to cope and feel better, i make it my number one priority and get it done. when i actually have the food and am eating it, that joyful and satisfied feeling i thought i'd get from it usually never comes, and i feel even more shittier than i did before because now i'm full and succumbed to my lack of self-control over food. isn't it bizarre that to some people like me, fast food joints, restaurants that deliver or any food establishment for that matter can become sort of like a drug dealer?? it's the absolute truth. i guess one of the good things now is that i know when i'm getting all crazy about it and ask myself, "am i physically hungry and is my body actually even in need of food, or is my brain just consumed with eating this certain thing because of a completely different purpose that is in NO WAY even related to food and what's actually going on in my life?" it's usually the latter. for right now, i'm going to go and try to focus my energy on another issue of mine. hopefully doing some cleaning will take my mind off a few things.

sometimes i have very long conversations with people in korean and don't have a clue as to what the hell we're discussing. i just nod my head and try not to look like a complete idiot most of the time.

i'm a firm believer in fate.

burberry prosum spring 2011.

i NEED this coat. yes, and i do mean NEED as in it's absolutely vital for my proper health and sanity to have this.

sometimes when i'm in the subways or walking down the street, people in seoul stare at me like i'm some bearded lady circus freak...

i'm not sure if it's because of my clothes, size, ink, face or whatever, but i don't take it personally. however, some people tend to stare a moment too long for my comfort and it does aggravate me at certain points and is borderline rude in my opinion.

but whatevs. thank you new york city for making me the person i am today. i'd rather stick out from the crowd than blend in any day. also thank you new york for the big stick up my ass that has been surgically implanted for life.

depression is a scary thing.

it's like you're walking along the railroad tracks, minding your own business and holding some rare wild flowers you've picked that miraculously sprouted from under the lifeless train tracks. then out of nowhere it comes and hits you like a freight train, and you're unable to get back up on your own two feet or function. i wish there a train horn or vibration from the tracks or any clear warning that it was coming but i think even if there was, there's still no way to stop the inevitable.

the good thing about any of this is for me it comes in waves, and those waves usually do end at some point.

i'm feeling much better and even managed to go for a run today.

moving or being in a new city isn't making me depressed in any way, but there are definitely things that can trigger it.

since i arrived two weeks ago, today feels like the first day in korea where it isn't oppressively humid outside.

there isn't a cloud in the sky and the absolutely perfect and beautiful weather leaves the options of activities to partake in limitless.. but why do i just want to sit here alone with the lights off and stare out the window?

i need to motivate and get some air.

i really don't see the point.

why even get out of bed?

sometimes in the pursuit of happiness (or pleasure), we make choices that inevitably leave us feeling just as empty and numb inside as we felt before we made those decisions.

i need to make smarter choices in life. the things i think will make me happy seem to be minor distractions that can be a waste of time. i usually would say that no bad experience is a waste of anything as long as you can walk away from it with a valuable lesson, but what if we make that same bad mistake over and over?

i need sleep, i feel delirious.

i really hate it when i misplace or lose something of mine---shit, drives me nuts. and has anyone else ever done this where you turn your place upside down and start searching in crazy ass places when you know that it will definitely not be there? i've looked everywhere for this hat of mine and out of desperation even went and opened the fridge door a few times---you know, just in case. i tell myself that material possessions do not matter in life but damn losing stuff is annoying as hell.

reading the news is so fucking depressing sometimes.

sometimes i just want to blast depressing music, turn off all the lights and lie on the floor alone for hours in complete darkness. i don't know why but it's the only thing that seems to help when i get like this sometimes...

but instead i made myself go for a run to hangang, the large river that goes through seoul, and sweat out some toxins. i do feel slightly better now but i'm not sure why i'm feeling like i'm in such a funk when everything seems to be going okay thus far. i guess you can run away to a different part of the world, but some demons follow you no matter where you go. like my best friend said, i will always be somewhat "perpetually miserable."

i think i just feel drained from spending constant time with some distant relatives here in seoul because i've always just got to be "on" and happy and talkative and smile and positive and act like i give a shit. don't get me wrong, i'm very grateful for the things they've done for me here and show my gratitude in many ways, but being this constantly positive and happy person is honestly just not how i am most of the time. i just need some alone time where i can be however the fuck i want to be.

i need to be social and make some friends here on my own, i think that will eventually help.

it's been fourteen years since i've been in korea during the summertime.

what's amazing is all the smells, sounds, colors, noises, food, buildings, weather and people make me feel like a kid all over again and everything is just as exciting and brand new as it was back then.

i'm so happy to be here.

korea is teaching me that in society, there will always be have the have's and the have-not's.

i want to fall in love. fuck seeing anyone else that i know that won't happen with.

i've been in seoul for exactly one week now.

besides from getting very ill from food poisoning to the point where i had to go to two hospitals in seoul by ambulance (i'll write more about that experience in detail next time), everything else has been fine. i've been trying to explore the city on my own as much as possible by walking around different neighborhoods and while the hot weather and my sweating/glandular problem doesn't allow me to walk around as much as i would like to, i'm still enjoying myself here. the world cup also starts tonight so the whole country is in a frenzy, especially seoul. i haven't started to seriously look for a job yet, i'm going to give myself one more week to relax, travel and explore and then i'll be on full job-search mode.

so now that it's been over a week since i left nyc, that also means i haven't smoked weed in a week.

the last time i went one week without smoking was when i came to asia three years ago after graduating from college and that trip lasted almost three months. i can say that i have been smoking on a regular basis since i started college almost ten years ago, and smoking on a daily basis for perhaps the past two years or so. i'm glad to not smoke for a while, it's a good change that my brain and body definitely needs. however, having it in my system is something that my brain and body has gotten used to the past few years and i think i might be going through withdrawal right now. i feel so irritable, moody, anxious and just annoyed by everything for absolutely no reason. the thing is i was doing totally fine until earlier today, and now i just want to punch something or go sleep forever in a dark cave. i googled "marijuana withdrawal" and it seems that i probably am suffering from it. don't get me wrong, i'm very happy for the sober change and to not be stoned 24/7 anymore. truthfully i know that if it's accessible, i will want to smoke because i have no self-control when it comes to weed and it's a huge vice of mine. but i am in no way expecting to smoke while i'm in asia so thankfully my addict-ridden brain isn't even thinking about it anymore.

i just can't wait until i get through this and i'm feeling better. it was fun while it lasted but it's time to move.

no one said it would be easy...

it feels so damn liberating to be in a new city.

i'm at the airport waiting to board my flight. i can't believe the day is finally here, it's surreal and so exciting.

goodbye nyc, my old friend---i'll be back someday but for now i'll see ya' around.