Tae Yoon: Life from 2006-2021

it rains a lot in korea. like, fucking a lot. and if it's not raining it's humid as hell. and if it's not humid as hell it's cloudy and on the verge of raining. someone please tell me where i can buy a t-shirt that says "i survived the summer weather of seoul in 2010 and all i got was this lousy t-shirt." i hope i'm i'm still able to stay in korea through the winter to see the first snow fall of the season, that's all i ask for. i need to sleep, i feel delirious. i realized that i have way too much free time that is spent alone. i have nothing but my own thoughts and anxieties to obsessively mull over---it's an ugly, vicious cycle. however, i can momentarily pause the cycle by keeping busy. i've met some really amazing people in seoul in the short time i've been here. some are people i can't imagine not knowing here, and it just solidifies my belief in fate. you know how the plots of some korean dramas are absolutely nuts and just so far out there? the crazier thing is after being in korea, your life can slightly start to resemble a korean drama as well. if only i had the energy to discuss all my seoul dating stories, it would sound like a a korean soap opera that's destined to conjure scoffs and eye-rolling in disbelief by viewers. there are just so many random story-lines and characters in unexpected settings, it's all pretty hilarious. i started smoking cigarettes here on a regular basis. a pack costs about $2.25 and lasts me a few days. culturally, smoking cigarettes as a male is widely accepted because i believe it makes you look more like a man, and smoking cigarettes is just what korean men do (according to korea). you can also basically smoke anywhere in this country and there's even ashtrays next to urinals. i always get the strong urge to drink and get obliterated every night. i just want to drink soju and have good conversation while getting wasted. i guess i switched substances/vices from the ones i had in nyc, but my underlying issue of addiction is still going well and strong. i moved into a windowless room last week. i sometimes like not having a window because i can go to bed at 7am and not feel crazy. there's no sunrise or noise of people starting to wake up to the world and start their days. there's no sound of cars honking or rain pouring down, but just complete darkness and silence---i can appreciate it sometimes. i like to go on the rooftop of the building to smoke cigarettes. i live off a huge road in a part of seoul that has the country's number one art school, so the neighborhood is always bustling. i usually stand on the rooftop and stare at the cars and people passing by. recent polls done by the voices in my head have resulted in the following stats---after midnight, from the seoul-ites who are out walking on the street: 50% have consumed at least one alcoholic drink, 30% are shit-face wasted, 15% are on their way to drink more, and 5% of people are on their way home from work. i like being on the rooftop when t's raining and there appears to be hundreds of cars waiting for the stoplight, and all their windshield-wipers seem to be moving simultaneously. left-right, left-right. they all suspiciously look to be moving in in unison. maybe just like the moon effects the tides in the ocean, the rain does the same for windshield wipers? actually i have no idea since the wipers wouldn't even be on if it wasn't for the rain. sometimes i go to 24-hour cafes late at night when i'm feeling lonely and need to be around people. it's most interesting on friday and saturday nights around 3-4am because the cafes are filled with inebriated kids waiting for the subways to start back up at 5am in order to go home. most of them drunkenly pass out on the sofas or with their heads on the tables, but there's always one person in each group who stays up to watch over them and wake everyone up as soon as it turns 5am. i always i want to give kudos to that member of the group and congratulate them for being a reliable pal. then i wonder if they all drew straws at the start of their night to designate who would be the time-keeper/subway lookout for the night, or if they all take turns within the group and switch every time they go out. or maybe it's just that person's paranoid personality and they choose to be the one that stays awake since no one else ever does. on the night i departed nyc for seoul, my best friend/roommate gave me a framed group photo with all my other friends/roommates. the photo was taken at our housewarming party last year, and we're standing in our kitchen while one of my roommates is holding madden (our fifth, canine-friend roommate). sometimes i stare at the photo and realize how much i miss them. when i'm alone and in my windowless room trying to figure out what the fuck i'm doing with my life here in seoul, i study the photo and wish i was back at the apartment. then i think about how much i miss my sister and wish i could call her and hear her voice. but we have to take chances in life, right? if people didn't take leaps of faith or walk blindly into a situation, society would be very boring. but what if these risks and leaps of faith don't turn out the way you planned, and instead you feel royally fucked? at least i took a chance. well, that's what i like to tell myself to make me feel better. truth is, i've never known what i've been doing with my life. no matter what my job is, or what i'm doing in life, i still always question everything and never feel fulfilled. i am a perpetually miserable person. i've accepted it but am still learning how to use the trait into something useful in life. i'm trying to write more, and i guess being a miserable person makes it a lot easier to get some of my thoughts on paper. i can't imagine writing about sunshine and rainbows, it's just not me. but if it was me, i'm pretty sure i'd wonder how people wrote about morbid and depressing stuff. i know we all are to some extent, but god, i feel so fucked in the head sometimes. i don't feel normal. but the world will always have people like me around, as well as all the happy people who consider themselves normal. i mean someone needs to fill the quotas of all the different types of personalities that exist, right? i have irrational anxieties. when i'm near anyone fishing, i always make sure to not be anywhere behind them when they're tossing out their line into the water. i always fear that one of my ears of nostrils will get caught in their hooks. i hate riding in cars because i think we're going to get into an accident. for most occasions, unless it's raining or i'm feel tired or miserable, i always rather take public transportation than step inside a car. being inside a subway or city bus feels makes me feel safe. i guess the upside to that is i'm doing my part to save on fuel and lessen my carbon footprint. i'm craving good vietnamese food from flushing and halal from the cart on 6th avenue and 43rd street. i don't know what i'm rambling about. i need sleep. it's 6:23am and i have no idea what time the sun rises anymore. having no window does have its ups.