Tae Yoon: Life from 2006-2021

real men cry.

almost a decade ago, something truly devastating happened in my life that left me emotionally numb for years. i was unable to emotionally express myself and incapable of releasing any inner sentiments, which left me feeling desensitized and frustrated inside. when others around me cried, i often felt irritated and didn't understand what the hell the big deal was---annoyingly asking, "so what?" in my head was a common reaction i had to others around me and empathy or compassion were novel traits that i lacked. while i veiled my feelings with indifference and stoicism and paralyzed the pain with a wide range of vices instead, i felt like i was the normal one and thought that others around me were just being emotional for no reason.

i'm not sure when things started to change for me, but i think i've come full-circle since then. it all started a few years ago, and i think there's a few factors behind it. for starters, i've gotten older and matured in many ways, allowing me to see so things differently and become the person i've always truly meant to be and been inside. another is that my environment has transformed, and i feel like much of the anxiety i've lived with because of my external circumstances has subsided, therefore permitting me to learn what my healthy forms of emotional releases and outlets are.

i cry (actually it's more like get slightly teary-eyed because it's all i can produce) on occasion now, but i noticed that it's usually not from sadness, but more from happiness or being emotionally moved in some way. i cry when i think about how much i love my sister, or when i watch a film that helps me learn something about myself. i cry when i think about all the happy moments i've been able to experience in life thus far, or when i feel like emotionally connected to someone and understand their pain. i also cry when i tell the close people in my life "i love you," or when i feel at peace with myself.

what prompted me to write about this is something that happened earlier tonight during dinner with a friend. she was telling me a wonderful story about her father, who's since passed away, from when she was a young girl and it moved me so much that i started to tear. it's funny because she was startled by my reaction, and reassured me there was no reason to cry since it was a happy story...

but i wasn't embarrassed at all. when i think back to that dreadful time in my life where i was emotionally null of all feelings, i'm certain that that was a lot more humiliating than currently shedding a tear every now-and-then.

thank you life, for allowing me to experience empathy and compassion.