Tae Yoon: Life from 2006-2021

so it's wednesday evening here in bangkok, and i since i have nowhere to go and no one to meet, i decided to catch a film by myself.

i went to my favorite theatre here in bangkok, lido, for a 7:15pm showing and while i normally don't enjoy going to the movies because i hate crowds, i figured that the theatre would be empty since it's wednesday and after all, that movie's been out for awhile now. however, to my surprise, half of the seats in the theatre were filled by the time it started. and before i continue on with my story, i must preface that i have been in a major funk the past few days. i've learned to understand and control my depression throughout the past few years, but i sometimes still get hit with something so powerful that it leaves my brain and body incapacitated. all these dark thoughts and moods just overtake me, and the only thing i can do about it is wait for it all to pass. so i woke up the other day feeling like complete shit, as if i'd been beaten to a pulp with a misery-stick. sleep-wise, i had actually been doing pretty good the past few weeks and have been waking up at the same time everyday without an alarm clock, but on this particular unexpected morning, everything just felt like such a struggle. the simple task of sitting up in-itself seemed impossible, and i can remember just wanting to go back to bed. so this is how i've been the past few days, and the combination of being alone here in thailand is just making things worse. on top of all that, i've been completely frustrated with my writing because i've been trying to work on this short story, but have been stuck on the same fucking first paragraph for over a god damn week now.

so there i was about an hour ago, sitting inside the theatre and patiently waiting for the movie to begin. then within the first 3 minutes of the movie, one of the film's main characters caught my attention. i didn't know the actress' name, and had never seen her in a film before, but her face looked SO familiar. and then bam---i realized that she went to my college back in nyc. now, i attended The New School in downtown manhattan, and it was one of the best things that ever happened to me. i have a lot of pride for my alma mater, and in my opinion, received the best education that suited me and what i wanted in life. one of the reasons why i wanted to go to that school is because all the classes are in seminar-style, meaning there are no more than an average of 15 students per class. i don't remember ever talking with or engaging in conversation with this random girl from my school, but i know that we were in the same shakespeare literature class. plus my college was quite small, so it's easy to get familiar with all the different students on campus after a few semesters. and in addition, i'm actually very good with recognizing faces, so i was 100% certain that this girl in the movie was the same girl from my college. after i realized it was her, this surge of uncontrollable anticipation took over my body, and i was unable to sit still or concentrate on the film. i couldn't stop obsessing over the fact that she's actually accomplishing something with her life, while my perpetually-miserable loser-self is at the theatres alone in bangkok, watching her on the big screen. don't get me wrong, i don't know her at all and i'm very happy for her and wish her the best in her career, but it just makes me question, what the fuck have i professionally accomplished with my life since i graduated college? what the hell do i have to show for the past six years? here i am all the way in bangkok, trying to live my dream and write, but will my writing ever be read by people other than my friends? will i ever become the successful person i'm determined to be?

i became so distracted with my thoughts that i had to walk out of the movie after about five minutes. when i exited onto the busy streets of siam, i came to see that it was pouring rain. i've been taking good note of the weather here in bangkok, and i'm certain that it hasn't rained like this since before all the flooding began last october. already feeling defeated, i decided to walk home because i was just so frustrated with everything about my god damn life.

while walking home and getting drenched in the rain, all i could think is that i'm just another miserable, addict-ridden, broke, depressed, unsuccessful writer---everything about my life is such a cliché.

anyway, i know i'm just having a moment of self-pity here, and am putting a stop to it now. but FUCK. seriously, sometimes i really just wonder, what is to become of me?