Tae Yoon: Life from 2006-2021

The election is only weeks away. On top of everything that's been happening in the world and in my life, I have this lingering anxiety from not knowing how I can deal with another four years of this administration if they win again. Shit is so fucked up right now because of them. I am mentally drained, exhausted, and tell myself to keep pushing on. But another part of me wants to eat in bed and tune everything out. I feel like soon after Trump was elected four years ago, dysfunction became normalized. And his absolute lack of competence and the onset of COVID-19 has just compounded that, on top of Americans having to contend with basically everything we see on the news on a daily basis along with all of fucked up racism Black people and other minorities in this country face. Seven months of staying home and quarantining with a recent uptick in cases all over America has made life feel like this never-ending cycle of hopelessness. There are days and moments where things might feel okay, but when it comes down to it, this pandemic is still happening—and as of now, 220,000 Americans have died because of it and over 8 million have contracted COVID-19. It's like, how does one even process this without breaking down into tears? We are living in a crisis. I am numb at this point and try and force myself to forge on with my days, but I have my moments. This continuous feeling of isolation and loneliness sometimes feels like too much. I mean, I definitely only felt the warmth of another body on my skin a handful of times in the past few years, but dealing with this same problem throughout 2020 definitely feels extra difficult. Whenever I am actually faced with (or allow myself to) to grasp the realities of right now or how life was before COVID-19, I can't help but shed tears from despair. I woke up today remembering the day after the 2016 election. I won't ever forget it because going to work that morning, it wasn't just me who was in shock. I remember getting on the subway and it was complete silence and stillness, even though the train was filled with people. In all of my life of living in NYC, it was a remarkable sight to see. Nobody was talking, nobody was staring into their phones, nobody was doing anything. Everyone just seemed paralyzed in a sense, unable to comprehend what had just happened. Just the thought of having to relive that trauma again feels overwhelming. I just want to make it through the rest of October, period. I'm not aiming to achieve or accomplish anything. All I want is to get through it as best as I can.