Phuket, Thailand.

i'm back in nyc.

it feels a bit weird to be home, i think i'm in a bit of culture shock. i know i've been away for only a few months, but it feels like a lifetime away since i've been here.

anyway, 4 countries in 2 weeks and i feel extremely jetlagged. my flight back to nyc wasn't so bad, the seat next to me was empty so i didn't feel so claustrophobic.

i finally got my comp fixed, the guy at the soho genius bar did it in 4 minutes. he explained to me what happened, but i'm still not sure what had been wrong with it.

too tired to write.

must get a new cell phone, do shit loads of laundry, and a million other errands.

ahh, home...

was just in the hotel sauna/steamroom/rock jacuzzi/outdoor jacuzzi for the past 40 mins. i was the only one in there, damn i feel sooo relaxed...

im walking around the hotel wearing nothing but the provided kimono robes with sash and jacket. ahh, i can breathe.

who the eff is `pouchdropper`?

damn these japanese keyboards, i cant find any buttons.

so instead of writing a 2 line update about tokyo, i thought i would divulge a bit more info.

i love tokyo. even though i don:t speak any japanese, i feel at home here. the city:s energy is amazing, like nyc but with only asians. i got here and on my first night went to the area called shinjuku-nichome, which is the gay district of the city. the place is amazing, filled with hundreds of bars and great looking guys walking around. i saw a guy sitting on a stoop smoking a cigarette, and he was by far the sexiest man i had seen in awhile.

so i go to nichome and have a great time. i won:t get into details, but lets just say my first night in tokyo was a very memorable one.

the next day i did some traveling around the city, and while at first getting around the city was a bit confusing, i got the hang of it real fast. i went to ropponggi, which is a very posh area, and bought some gifts for people. then to harajuku, and man, that neighborhood is fucking amazing. the energy and style of all the young and hip japanese is so contagious, and i walked around wide-eyed for hours, trying to soak in as much as possible. afterwards i walked to shibuya, fanous for its large neon signs and what some people might compare to nyc:s time square.

let me tell you, shibuya is a million times better than times square. when the crosswalk turns green, the mass of people who cross the streets is breathtaking... its like a beautiful choreographed dance. i cant even begin to explain it, you have to see it for yourself. you just have to.

this city is very expensive. like really god damn expensive. its crazy how much money you can spend on absolutely nothing. if you want a nice tea cup, it can run you up to $100. haha thats madness. ive spent mad money here, but mostly on gifts. i bought a few things for myself here and there, but not that much.

one of my proudest purchases was a pair of converse sneakers with a giraffe print, something that is only sold in japan. i bought it in harajuku at this sneaker store. along with that purchase, im really happy about a paul smith handkerchief i bought in shibuya that has japanese written on it. very cute. all the guys who worked at that store were amazingly good looking and so stylish in their head-to-toe paul smith gear.

man, i could go on and on about tokyo forever.

it:s my last night here, i leave for seoul tomorrow. kind of sad about it. i:ve told myself that at one point in my life, i must live in this city...hopefully it:ll be at a time and place in my life where i have full control of my future and have started on my path of success.

i love tokyo.

thailand was amazing.

waiting for my flight to tokyo.

will post pictures and update about both cities soon.

yay!

wow, i totally just had deja vu.

i'm moving out of my place in Kangnam today, and going to my aunt's house in Hongdae. i'm pretty sad to leave what's been my home for the past 2 months. living here has been a great experience, hopefully something i will never forget.

so i move into my aunt's house today, leave for thailand on wednesday, and then come back on monday. then on the wednesday after i come back from phuket, i leave for tokyo and then come back on that saturday. i then leave back for nyc on the following day, march 11th.

the past week has been a blast because one of my best friends from home came to visit me in korea. we did so much and had a great time.

oh and my fucking ibook seems to be broken. i'm so fucking pissed. one moment i'm uploading pictures and videos from my camera, and the next thing i know my ibook shuts off and i havent been able to turn it on since. and plus my ipod screen is cracked so i can't see a damn thing.

i think that God or whoever is telling me to stop relying on technology so much. my ibook and ipod are two things i can not live without, i absolutely use them everyday. but now i can't really use either fully, and am starting to adapt without them. my main concern is about my laptop, and the possibility that i might lose all the pictures i took in korea. everything else is backed up at home so it's okay, but damn it i want my korea pictures!

don't you hate it when you lose something, and there's just no reasonable explanantion as to how you lost that item?

and then you start looking for it in the craziest places, such as outside your place or inside your fridge?

damn it i hate losing shit, especially books. i lost a book and am honestly perturbed as to where it could be.

my ongoing love-hate thing with Haruki Murakami is definitely back at ON.

less is more.

sometimes i read some entries of mine and wonder if i was drunk or watching oprah when writing them, because they make absolutely no sense, are extremely superflous, and seem to just be bad writing overall. can i really make it in life as a writer?

who would trust me to ever edit anything, let alone an issue of highlights magazine?

since i fucking hate all my entries, i will keep this one nice and terse.

going to thailand on feb 25- march 3. this will be my first time in life ever going to somewhere tropical, i can finally get a tan.

going to japan on march 4- march 10. i am so fucking god damn motherfucking exciting.

i arrived to seoul on Dec 26, 2006. today it is february 8, 2007 and it has not rained a single day since i've been here.

a few days ago, my guy cousin from nyc says after 23 years that he finally notices i have a sort of "twang" to the way i talk. my response, "oh ghee i've never heard that in my life!"

buying thoughtful gifts for friends is hard.

i'm at my aunt's house in hongdae, sleeping over because it's her birthday. i went to lotte department store today and bought her 2 bottles of really good wine, hoping she would enjoy them. my cousin told me my aunt couldn't drink, but i didn't really think it was as bad as it is.

today after dinner we had a few drinks in honor of her, and she literally had 1/2 a shot glass of beer and said she was drunk. HAHAHAHAHA. and then she said once in her life she took 3 shots of soju because she was at a wedding and went bananas from it, like off her rockers madwoman drunk. HAHAHAHAH. i know it's mean but i find it all so endearing. i love my aunt, she's funny.

oh and during our drinking session, at times it was really awkwardly silent and i really hate that. during one of our quiet spells, the most randomest thing happened. all of a sudden we hear the most awful and painful cries from outside the window of cats. obviously they were having sex, because... well that inhuman sound is known as the screeches cats make when they're mating. i don't know, i feel like it's just a known thing, no?

oh man i wanted to laugh so bad but i don't know if my relatives don't know what the sound is, or they just didn't think it was funny but none of them paid it any mind. i thought it was hilarious, and kept my eyes on the floor from busting out in laughter.

i don't know what's wrong with me.

i wish i was dead. i don't care how it happens, but i just wish i was fucking dead.

i'm at COEX mall again, at the store that sells apple products to use their wireless. i've been coming here quite frequently and the workers are all really nice. i never usually talk with them, but just bow or nod when i see them. today they offered me something to drink and i said it was okay but they insisted on it so i have a nice hot cup of green tea next to me. i feel bad because i never buy anything but just come here and use their wireless but i guess they don't really seem to mind.

so last wednesday my cousin and her bf took me out for dinner and drinks and afterwards i was supposed to sleep at my cousin's house. we ate in Hongdae, which is where she lives and also known as like an artsy fartsy neighborhood because of the large art school that's there. they took me to this restaurant where you grill your own meat and it was sooo good. they told me it was famous and always busy. afterwards they took me to this seafood restaurant to have some drinks and snack on some fresh seafood as we ate drank. we ordered a lot of really fresh fish and also something called "Sahn Nahkjie," which is octopus that is so freshly killed that it's still moving on the plate. i know, i know, that might seem absolutely disgusting for most people but it was actually really good and i enjoyed it. haha the cool part is where you're eating some tentacles and it sticks to your toungue or the roof of your mouth because the sucking things are still moving.

well, suffice it to say i drank sooooo much that night and got plastered. after eating, we all split a cab home and when me and my cousin got out of the cab and was walking to her house, being the drunk fool that i was, i saw a deli and insisted on buying some more beer for me to drink at her house with her dad. she said okay and we bought beer and went back to her place and my aunt and uncle were waiting for us. we were all sitting down and drinking beer and talking, and then my uncle starts showing me pictures of my mom when she was younger. these were pictures i had never seen in my life, and i got kind of emotional. i said i wanted to call my parents and then i called my mom and went to the bathroom and started tearing because i was so happy to hear her voice. i come back out to the kitchen after hanging up on the phone and my uncle and aunt continue to show me pictures.

at this point i am so inebriated that i felt like i couldn't even breathe. they're talking to me and i yell that i need to barf. my aunt and uncle and cousin are looking at me like i'm freaking crazy, and i tell them i have to barf again. hahah my aunt then looks at me and says "how come everytime you come to my house you end up barfing!?!?" she said that because a few weeks ago when i slept over, i ate something bad or something but i got seriously sick after eating dinner at her house.

so i spent half the night in the bathroom and thought i was going to freaking die that night because i felt so sick. i even threw up all day the next day as well. i think it's the most fucked up i've been since i've been in korea. anyhoo, i decided to give my liver a break for awhile and drink a bit more moderately now. however on sat night my cousin tim wanted to drink so we went out and man after 3 cocktails i thought i was going to die. i came home early by myself and just started chucking my brains out again.

so yesss, moral of the story is i will be drinking a lot less from now on. i think my body was telling me that i've been hitting the bottle a bit too hard.

i haven't been doing much these days. it's been about a week since i've traveled anywhere worth mentioning. i went about an hour and 1/2 out of Seoul to go to this museum called the Independence Hall of Korea. i had been there numerous times as a kid because my uncle used to work there so i have a lot of fond memories of it. i guess i never realized that it's more than an hour and a half away from the city. it was quite a journey to get there, i had to take one bus for an hour and then transfer onto a smaller country bus for another 30 minutes to get to it. thing is, the bus driver on the second bus missed my stop and he ended up dropping me in the middle of fucking nowhere, and i had to follow the main road back for quite a while to get back to it.

anyhoo, it was definitely worth the trip out. it's an amazing museum and i even remembered seeing the stuff i saw as a kid.

okay well my fucking back is killing me from sitting on this stool for 3 hours so i will probably be heading out soon.

i drank wayy too much again last night. i feel like ive started this bad habit of barfing on the streets when i'm drunk. for some reason its become kind of fun doing that.

okay, sorry but i can't write anymore. whenever i drink, i can't function the next day. and right now i feel as if i'm rambling.

i'm using a wireless signal in coex mall at a store called A#SHOP, which is one of the few stores in korea that specialize in apple products. i came in today in hopes of getting help on my troubles with being able to use wireless in korea, and the worker told me that the store has a signal that i can use. yayy. i think i'll be coming here a lot more often.

ok this is going to be a purely pic update. i would caption them, but the way Blogger uploads pictures makes it impossible when posting a large number at once. enjoy.

danm i feel so fucking depressed.

to people who don't believe in depression, i assure you it is a true and powerful thing. it just hits you like a ton of bricks out of nowhere. one minute you're sitting and watching television, and the next you want to cry and crawl into a hole and die. there's no apparent reason or source for the mood change. god i don't even know what to do with myself.

i feel so fucking shjitty. damn you depression. fuck you.

wow it's already wed here.

so, i've been meaning to post here more and more, just for the sake of looking back on my trip years from now, but i've been emailing my close friends like 3 times a day, giving detailed accounts of my day so i guess it makes me too tired to post here. i think im just going to start telling them to read this blog.

so okay. new years in Seoul was amazing. me, tim, and a few other people went to like the times sq of korea to watch them ring this large ceremonial bell while shooting fireworks at the stroke of midnight. it was an insane experience because there was just hundreds of thousands of people everywhere shooting fireworks in the sky, on top of fireworks that the city put on. it was really beautiful, but damn it was soooo fucking crowded. when i tried getting off the subway and was walking up the steps to the street, i was stuck on the steps for over 10 minutes as thousands of people were trying to get off, and thousands of others were trying to get on the subway. i was just stuck in a sea of people on the steps, unable to move AT ALL. it was a fucking nightmare. people just wouldn't stop pushing, at people were falling over and it was madness. what pisses me off the most is that theres like 5 cops watching the whole scene over some railing, and they didn't do shit to get some crowd control going on. and finally after we did get up the steps, people are just pushing you left and right.

i have to admit that at first i hated this city, and there's still many things im trying to get used to, but as time goes by i'm starting to love this place more and more. at 6 in the morning, the streets were crowded with people who were also drinking yet there was no trouble between people. everyone just minds their own business and has a good time. unlike in nyc.

i mentioned that i've been taking massive pictures and whatnot since i've been here, but god damnnit i've been to every damn place in this city that sells apple products, and nowhere have i been able to purchase my power adapter. the only place i can get it s through apple korea's website, and i tried ordering it but they don't take American Express, Visa, or Mastercard. they only take these solely korean credit card companies, which kind of boggles me because well i thought all the cards i have are international.

so yeah, i still havent been able to use my mac here at all. it's damn annoying coming to a pc bang all the time. i feel paranoid looking at things i want to look at, let alone i can't look at any gay related websites.

today i went to the Coex Mall Aquarium. it was decent i guess, no complaints. all though it was kind of pricey with tickets at like more than $16 bucks, but whatever. it was filled with kids though, which made it fun. korean kids are so cute, i love watching them interact with people and things around them. being alone there, i tried not to seem like a pedophile. anyway, i had a good time nonetheless.

also, aside from going to tourist spots in the city, i joined the gym that tim goes to. it's been good i guess. it's only my second day going, and i'm already over it. but i know i have to go and lose weight. if i do nothing else this trip other than waste money and have fun, i have to lose some damn weight and get my life together. tim's teaching me how to workout, so i guess we'll see how that goes.

hopefully it'll be a great 24th bday.

so much has happened here, at the same time nothing has happened.

i really wish i had stable internet access in my room bc i always have a million things i want to write about, but then i cant ever seem to remember anything by the time i get to the pc bang.

well, ive been still pretty much doing my own thing since i got here. tim's busy with work, so theres really nothing else to do but entertain myself. i try to do something every single day bc i know if i stayed in my room alone, i would go nuts.

yesterday i woke up and went to the Museum of Contemporary Art. it was fucking amazing. it felt so great to be in a museum where korean artists aren't just represented with one work of art, or just a special show. in this museum, it's mostly korean art with pieces of foreign artists here and there. i was so moved to see all the wonderful works of art, feeling a great sense of pride in them. there was especially one that really caught my eye, and it made me sort of obesessive about it. it's a piece by Hwang In Gi and it's kind of like a black folding screen that ithink might be about 15 feet wide, and there's nothing but pins on it and from that he was able to draw mountains. its a truly beautifl work of art, and afterwards i was in the museum gift shop for almost over an hour looking for any books, postcards, or other souvenirs that profiled either the work or the artist. unfortunatelty i wasnt able to find anything and i left pretty dissaapointed.

anyway, but the museum is in this huge ass park in seoul that also has an amusement park, zoo, and other attractions. it was so beautfil there and i was able to ride a ski chairlift thing from the museum to the subway, which is a very long distance apart. i took pictures of it all, but i haven't been able to find a voltage converter for my mac so i cant upload anything. also havent been able to find a voltage converter for my digi cam so that's pretty much out of batteries as well.

after that, i ate at this small restaurnt at the end of the chair lift and had what quite possibly could be the best sullungtang ive ever had in my life. it was damn good.

afterwards i spent the day walking around other parts of seoul, such as this large ass mall and another shopping center.

you know i'm pretty proud of myself at how self reliant i am about getting around this city. i pretty much am able to find everywhere i want to go, without the help of anyone. today i woke up and went to the financial part of town in hopes of finding the ONLY APPLE STORE in korea. seriously, no one here uses macs, they just dont. and when i went today, i found out that it's on the 32nd floor of this large bulding by the coex mall. i was so fucking elated to get off the 32nd floor and see that large sign for the apple store down the hall, and then when i got to the door it was fucking closed! i'm pretty annoyed by that because now i have to wait until tuesday to try and get everything i need. damn damn damnn.

i also met up with my cousin today in gangnam. she came to pick me up and we went back to her neighborhood in hongdae to go eat and then for me to go to her family's house to see her parents.

my cousin's name used to be sueng-lee, which i guess means victory. but then she ended up changing her name to joon-ha, along with her brother bah-wee changing his name to soething i don't remember. anyhoo, we went to hongdae and she took me to TGIFridays, which is a big deal here. the food was good, tasted EXACTLY THE SAME AS THE SHIT IN THE STATES, but i guess ultimately that's the goal of those type of restaurants. taste the same in every country.

afterwards we walked to her house and i saw her parents. i really love her mom, she's loud and loving  as she's talking to you, but because it's her i have no problem with it. i just felt instantly comfortable with her, and we shot the breeze for awhile. she wants me to come stay at her house, and wanted me to sleepover tonight but i told her i would come back soon with a change of clothes and all that. anyway, it was great seeing her.

okay, so a few days before i came to korea, i got a letter from the korean embassy about my military status. i have the letter to my parents, and they were like "OHHH GREAT THIS SAYS YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO TO THE MILITARY FOR TEN YEARS!! YOU CAN LIVE IN KOREA!" of course i was estatic about the whole thing, and i made all the plans on being in seoul indfeinitely and whatnot, hoping to find a job and shit. but then i showed that same letter to my aunt before, and she says that's not what the letter is about. she said the letter is about something totally different. and i guess the bottom line is it annoys me that my parents misinformed me about what the letter said. i dont even think my parents read the whole thing, just parts of it, but my aunt showed me where it clearly said that it has nothing to do with my miltary status. so i guess now, i definitely will be going back to the states and must start searching for a job there.

i mean, all this is fine because i guess it just wasn't meant to be for me to be in korea for a long time. but what if i hadn't shown my aunt that letter, and i just went about with my life and made all these life altering decisions here. that's what really gets to me.

so yeah, i guess this is a 3 month vacation before i start working wherever. yippeee! within the next few weeks, i need to go to travel agencies and book tickets and stuff to go to like thailand and other countries in asia. i'm pretty excited.

okay, well i guess that's all for now. as soon as i get everything i need for my laptop, i'll start posting pics and all that good stuff. i hate not being able to use my own computer.

ok, bye all.

so this is my third day in korea. so far its been a trip. im still getting used to the culture and whatnot, but i think i'll be fine after a week or two.

i arrived here tues morning after a long 15 hour Korean Air flight. Korean Air (KAL) is an amazing airline. all the stewardesses are so nice, thin, tall, and pretty. they are really accomodating and amazing at their job. i hate flying in general, but the airline gave me the best experience ever. i highly endorse KAL if any of you guys are ever thinking of traveling to korea.

so i arrived here first thing in the morning on tues and my friend and her dad picked me up from the airport. i feel extremely lucky to her and her family because they treated me like a family member for the time i was with them. they live in ilsan, which is about an hour away from seoul by train and i guess it's like living in queens. i take a 2 hour nap when i get to their house, and then my friend's parents take me, my friend, as well as a friend of my friend to the DMZ. man, it was such a moving experience. we did the whole tour of all the museums and things there, and one thing that was pretty fun was walking in the '3rd tunnel.' in the 70s and 80s, south korea discovered 4 tunnels that the north koreans made under the dmz that go into south korea and close to seoul. its about 250 km deep, and it was pretty scary. another thing we went to was this looking point, which is the northern most part of south korea to look into north korea. the view was amazing and sad at the same time. there's an observation deck and you can look into binoculars and see all the villages and houses that are fake facades. everything is empty and you don't see a single person in sight. the whole thing was very moving.

after that my friend's family took me out to eat dinner at this restaurant that specializes in puffer fish. the soup was pretty good, but i felt really awkward about sitting to have a meal with them.

the thing is, i've noticed that this whole country is OBSESSED with weight and looks. all they talk about is losing weight, how to lose weight, what to eat, what not to eat, etc etc. now this is fine, but they talk about it in such neurotic and annoying ways, to the point where i just want to tell them to stfu. seriously, it gets old after awhile. and then after they talk about how theyre fat and have to lose weight and whatnot, they eat a fried ham and cheese sandwhich with globs of mayo, ketchup, and thousand island dressing in it.

but yes, i can not stress how crazy korean culture is about weight. my friend said that in the korean vocab, words for 'eating disorders, bulimia, & anorexia' don't exist. i thought that was pretty interesting. and everywhere you go, and watch on tv, there's ads with 1/2 naked people. and mann, the way girls dress here is insane. it's the middle of winter and you can't go 10 steps without seeing a girl in a miniskirt with high boots on. it's madness! and none of them are fat. seriously theyre all freaking sticks here.

another thing ive noticed about the culture is people are kind of rude. i dont know i guess i really cant explain it, and its different than ny rude, but i dunno it kind irks me. i just think overall that korean girls in korea have really bitchy attitudes.

so i'm staying at a hasuk in Gang Nam, which ive been told is a really upscale neighborhood. there are bars and restuarants everywhere, and at night the streets are lined with thousands and thousands of young people. last night my cousin timmy showed me around these neighborhoods and we went to a few bars.

so at one of the bars last night, i came out to my cousin. it was really hard for me, probably the hardest person i've come out to yet. but i knew i had to do it nonetheless, i couldnt stand the thought of spending 3 months here and not telling him. at first he was shocked and couldn't believe. he thought i was fucking around and initially even said that he doesn't want to believe it. but then he realized i wasn't kidding, and we talked and talked about it for the rest of the night. i really love him, and appreciate the fact that he's accepted me for who i am.

right now i rode the subway to hongdae and have been walking around alone for the past hour or so. i love walking around by myself and exploring the city. i'm at a seedy pc bang because i can't seem to get an internet connection on my computer, and cant even charge it because i havent been able to find a power adaptor. my camera, comp, and ipod are all pretty much out of batteries. i havent been taking as many pics as i would like, but i'm going to try.

i'll post the good ones up here, for the enjoyment of anyone who actually reads this, but also for me so i can read back on it a year from now.

okay, bye world.

i'm at JFK waiting to board my Korean Air flight to Seoul.

i can't believe this moment has finally come, it's surreal.

ok i am freaking out though bc there's no stores open that sell magazine or sleeping pills. i am fucked.

what does being in your 20's mean? i wish someone could tell me.

at the moment, i am trying to write my LAST college paper of my life that is due at ten in the morning. damn... i can't seem to get past the first paragraph, i have major writer's block.

what i really want to do right now is smoke a bowl and watch the 20th Anniversary Oprah DVD that my friend bought me.

so my college graduation is later today. yikes!

i got a haircut and i look like t-boz.

damn damn damn. my graduation is tomorrow too.

i'm done with 3 out of 6 finals, the end is near!

finally finished my senior work/memoir.

wow, i really can't believe that i'm actually done with it. it's surreal.

my senior work, which is a memoir i'm writing, is due tomorrow at 4:30. unfortunately i still have a lot of work to do, but am sure i'll be able to finish it in time. it's just so hard doing it... i've had to do a lot of soul searching.

anyway, all my friends have been saying they expect to read it once it's done. i'm just not sure if i'm ready for that.

burned out.

my graduation is in 3 weeks. it's so surreal.

anyhoo, i have THREE weeks of classes left as well. then my collegiate life as i know it is over.

i worked today at this store in soho that i've worked on and off at for about 3 years. it actually felt nice to be talking with people and doing customer service. while i know i'll probably get sick of it again, sometimes it feels good just talking to people.

anyhoo, nothing to really update about. it's my parents' 29th wedding anniversary tomorrow so they went away for the night to go upstate to some cabin. i have no idea where they're going or why, and i honestly don't want to know. it just makes me happy that they take aside some time to be with eachother. i feel that my parents' relationship witheachother has gotten better and better with time, sometime like this would've never happened to years ago.

also, my cousin's sister from AZ came into town for Thanksgiving and has been here since thurs. she's really nice and i wish i wasn't working this weekend to take them out.

happy thanksgiving.

i am thankful for many many things.

wow. i finished my paper but i am soo sleepy and tired at the moment.i have class from 10 to noon, and then another class from 6-8 with a 6 hour break in between. i'm thinking of going to watch a movie, but i'm afraid i'm going to fall asleep in it.

i really don't want to go to class, but i have to think of the brightside. in one month i will never be able to do this again. i should enjoy it while i can.

when i put my mind to it, writing does come to me at ease. you know i have to start getting a lot more serious about my writing. it's the one thing i have going for me. i look at other people who are goodlooking, rich, smart, etc etc and in the back of my mind i think, "i'm still a better writer than all of them."

while it might not be evident in this blog, i think my writing is pretty good.

anyway, i just need a good kick in the ass to take all this more seriously.

i have about 30 days until graduation. it's GO TIME until then.

ugh. drank way too much yesterday again. i hate the person i become when i drink, i've gotta cut back on all that. i woke up today at 4:30! 4 friggin 30! what a waste of a sat.

i love when people leave me comments, whether they're good or bad.

on a side note, tonight I WENT ON A DATE. not going to get into details, but it was really really bad. but i went on a date, finally, so i'm happy. i just rushed my ass home to change and get ready for this party i'm going to tonight at Pacha.

will update tomorrow about it if anything exciting happens. but i'm pretty sure nothing will.

i am so goddamn mfing drunk.

so much to say. will update about everything soon......

it's been YEARSSSSSS since i've partied... but next wed, i will be dancing my ass off here.

i want to go on a date.

went out again last might to several different places. too lazy to get into details, but i will talk about an interesting incident that happened to me at a karaoke bar in ktown.

after bar hopping last night, at one point i was at a friend of a friend's birthday party at chorus karaoke. the place is packed up the ass, and the crowd at the bar at this point of the night is about 4 people deep. so i notice at the table next to ours, there was a group of people that consisted of 2 celebrities. one was of that guy from clueless, the one that alicia silverstone tries to hook up with brittany murphy, but eventually he ends up liking alicia. also, at the table was erika christensen (correct spelling?).

okay, so i'm getting my vodka tonics at the bar and then at the moment, that guy actor was singing Eminem's Stan. i'm standing a little bit behind him, and when dido's parts come out i'm screaming them at the top of my lungs. his rapping to eminem was pretty good, and when those parts were over, he would hand the mic to me and dance as i sang the chorus. hahah it was pretty funny. i took a few random shots of them last night:

damn i am massively hungover at the moment. got home at like 5 last night, drunk as a skunk. one of my best friends, who is in med school at the moment, finally had the opportunity to go out last night so we all went out to celebrate with him. had dinner at this thai restaurant in chelsea which was reallyyyyy good. a few of our friends came about an hour late, so we killed two bottles of wine as we waited. then hit up la caverna and blvd on the bowery. it was a real fun night overall, we all danced our asses off. i woke up this morning to a phone call from my cousin in jail again.

in 2004, i went to Michigan in the summer to work as a camp counselor for a Korean-American adoptee camp. it was the first time in my life ever being exposed to Korean-American adoptees, and summer camp in general.

i had the time of my life, and loved all the kids i was in charge of. i havent gone back since that summer, mostly because i've been interning every summer since then, and also i hated some of the other staff that had been affiliated with the camp their whole lives.

anyhoo, one of my old campers recently found me on facebook and we started messaging eachother. he told me i "really had an impact on his life." wow... that kind of got to me. maybe there's hope for me afterall, and i actually could make a difference in someone's life. i always think that i'm too fucked up in the head to help anyone else, but maybe i'm just scared. i dunno.

this is like my fifth post in the past 12 hours since i've been home and trying to work on my papers that are due. ive almost finished my first one, i started it 46 minutes ago. i doubt i'll do the second one tonight, my mind it too scattered. after 2 redbulls, it's pretty hard to write an intelligent sentence.

holy shit. it's almost 3:30 and i'm only on the second paragraph of my first paper. i am such a god damn procrasinator.

on a side note, does anyone actually read this blog? yes i know, i'm pretty boring. ANDDDD, i'm lazy about capitalizing when i should and i make the stupidest grammatical and spelling mistakes that make me sound like an imbecil, but i'm too lazy to correct.

anyway, i realize my blog is visually really boring. so here are a few pictures i took for my photography class. these are all digital. i also have a whole bunch of great black and whites i took on 35mm but i haven't had time to scan them.

i feel so fucking burnt out. damn. i feel so down for some reason. i was sitting in school, all fine and normal and then all of a sudden i feel this strong wave of emotion and i just wanted to cry. i just wanted to be alone and cry.

i came out to two friends today, and it felt great.

i just got home from the LAMEST HOUSE party in Park Slope, BK. it was not only the worst halloween party, but the lamest house party ive been to in a LONG ass time, for reals.

the only good thing about the party was that they had Pot Rice Krispie Treats. i had a lot, even tho i usually don't eat too many sweets. anyway, now i'm home and i can't tell if i'm drunk or high... but i'm definitely fucked up by something. just because, before the party i went to Sea in Williamsburg and had like 5 drinks because my friends were about an hour late to dinner and i was waiting at the bar by myself for awhile.

i want to live my life without secrets. it's so much easier said than done.

i need a good cry.

im so stupid, stupid, stupid!

finally blogger is back up. i've been wanting to blog throughout the day, but it seems that the website was down or somthing was up with it.

okay, first is, i;ve decided to put down the peace pipe for awhile. because of it, i have not left my house in more than 48 hours and can not believe it's sat night already. wow, the past 2 days have been a BLUR. plus, i only have about 2 months until korea, and i want to start working out on a regular regimen. when i smoke weed though, nothing is possible. i barely have the motivation to leave me room, let alone do anything at all. so yes, as most of you don't know, i'm obsessed with starting things at the end of a day so that i can have a clean start after mignight. so after minute tonight, the peace pipe is gone!

ok, there was a lot more stfuf i wanted to write about, but my mind is scattered and burnt.

gee.

i'm working on my senior work, which is due in a month and 1/2 (AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!) and is a memoir of my life this far. a lot of it is pretty negative, with me reflecting on all the shit i've been through. but lately i've been thinking that maybe i'm being too harsh on all the things i've been through., i'm just really torn now and all my plans of how i wanted to write it are now all pretty much changing. it's so hard when you're actually in front of your computer, trying to write this. all the bad memories that i think of leave me exhausted at certain points, and i find myself just simply not wanting to get into it.

oh and PS, MY TICKETS TO KOREA HAVE BEEN PURCHASED! i leave on Christmas Eve, and come back on March 22. it's finally happening, it's pretty surreal.

i went rowing yesterday with my class on the hudson river. it was so damn beautiful. we could see jersey, the statue of liberty, and all these other famous landmarks from our boat. it was exciting.

also i lost my fucking ipod yesterday. the irony is, i lost it right before i was going to go to the apple store to get it fixed because it had broke two days ago. and i got to the apple store and realized i didn't have it. yeah, sucks.

here are some rowing pics.

it is raining cats and dogs here in nyc!

damn its like 6:30 on a saturday and i feel sooo sleepy already. i just had dinner with a friend in williamsburg and had a vodka-tonic and i can barely keep my eyes open now.

anyhoo, i finally got my visa for korea! woot woot! now all i've got to do is buy a ticket and i'm good to go.

will update again later.

i am such a procrastinator. it's so fucking dumb of me, but i can't help but just push things off until the last minute. anyway, i banked out two papers in 5 hours, and then took like a 3 hour break of doing absolutely nothing but surfing the web. now i am on my third paper, and am pretty confident that i'll get all four done by 8 this morning.

why is it so hard for me to break my bad habits? ahh it drives me crazy. i honestly think sometimes it's my environment. it's hard to change things in your life when your environment stays the same. i feel that's true with many things in my life.

anyhoo. i went to the met yesterday for one of my papers, and have to go again later today for a class trip.

life is good, be humble. i wish i could think of those words when i'm feeling not so great.

i purchased 10 albums within the past week. i love music...

i think i'm sick. i'm not talkingabout physically either, i'm talking mentally. i have no idea what's fucking going on with me, but i just feel so fucking depressed. i was on the subway today and found myself digging my nails into my arms for no reason. i didn't even realize i was doing it until i saw some lady looking at my arms. i was so preoccupied with bad thoughts. damn, i don't want to be like this anymore. i don't want to talk to anyone anymore. i want to take a vow of poverty. i want to live a simple fucking life... i just want to be happy.

the god damn fucking city is driving me out of my fucking mind.

i haven't bought a magazine in over a week... i'm being so good...

am i a bad person?

why do i feel such anger in my life???

you know i say this to my friend all the time, and she tells me it's one of the most ridiculous things she's ever heard in her life, but i think i'm too happy of a person.

i need to cut down on the acting happy bullshit.

i just got this overwhelming feeling of depression.

omg i want to do something so bad.

i feel so restless and can not sleep. i have no idea why. my sleeping problems are so damn frustrating sometimes. i tried my breathing excercises, which sometimes works, but didn't today.

anyway, i had an interesting day yesterday. my cousin who is now living in my house, had never been to manhattan in his life. in fact, he came straight to queens when he moved here a few weeks ago, and has basically been working everyday since then.

so sat night i drank this whole jug of pinot noir by myself as me and him bonded and talked. he asked if i would take him out to the city the next day and i agreed in my drunken stupor. so i wake up hungover as fuck because he's been knocking on my door all morning, trying to wake me up. at ten i finally get up and shower, and we're out the door by 10:30.

i'm too lazy to list all the places i took him to, but suffice it to say we saw all the good shit. by the time we got home, i was exhausted as hell. so we get home and then i go out and meet some friends for dinner. blah blah, i get home and do some reading and school shit. i go to bed, but can't do anything but toss and turn. yeah. and viola, now i am here typing.

so a thought crossed my mind today as i was with my cousin. i asked him what type of food he likes, so i could think of which restaurant we could go to for lunch. i start asking if he likes pasta, indian food, thai food, etc. and then he said he's never had any of those foods in his life. he's 34... and i suddenly got real sad. not because i felt bad about asking him, but to think of myself where i grew up in a culture with only really one kind of food, i feel that's so unfair. the fact that he's 34 and has never had lasagna of pad thai in his life. i think it just symbolizes how lucky i am to have things that could be considered a luxury by other people, to have those things as a norm in my life.

i tend to bitch a lot about whatever, but lately i've been trying to humble myself as possible. if i think, "fuck i just missed the bus!" or "damn it i really hate how i look today," i realize how fucking stupid i am, and if THOSE ARE THE BIGGEST WORRIES OF MY LIFE, THEN I HAVE A PRETTY GOD DAMN GOOD LIFE.

of course, it's hard to always think like that, but i'm trying...

anyway, i've decided to start trying to add more picture to this blog, i feel like it adds some variety.

so school's started, yowza!

my schedule this semster is a bit off, but enjoyable nonetheless. however, i've spent over $400 in books and supplies for the semester! madness! especially for a liberal arts school. i don't think i've ever spent so much in one semester.

tomorrow is friday. i end class by noon and have to go to the korean embassy in new york to inquire about some visa info. and then, hopefully i'll catch up on the pages and pages of reading i have. but i'll probably just frolick in the sun.

i don't think i've ever been so conscious of my race in my life.

what is it with people in this country? they can't get over the fact that there are non-white and non-black people here.

it's 2006 people, FUCKING GET OVER IT.

tomorrow is labor day, aka the end of summer. i start classes on tuesday, woohoo!

anyway, i have 4 months to save money for korea. it's on!

i can't stop listening to the Yeah Yeah Yeahs.

hmm. i've been so lazy these past few days. i came back to nyc last week. also found out that a cousin in Washington, DC, who recently came to the states, is moving into out house. he's 32 and i haven't seen him in almost 15 years. yeah, he's currently sleeping in my old room, since i've moved into my old sisters' room.

yeah... aside from that, i've been in a deep funk and depression. yay!

i'm in harvard square in boston.

i really needed to get the hell out of nyc so i came up here to crash at a friend's place for about a week. i mostly came here with the intent of getting a lot of writing done, but it's not happening so far.