it's been awhile since i've explored new parts of bangkok, and i woke up this morning determined to do something about it.

i did some research online and found out that the neilson hays library was having a used book sale today---what luck! i've been meaning to check out this library for some time now, and was excited to finally go and hopefully come home with a few good books as well.

the neilson hays library was first established around the 1870's. so within this group of women, there was someone named jennie neilson hays, who was married to a prominent doctor in town. jennie passed away in 1920, and in order to house all the books that she and her women's group had amassed, her husband built this library in honor of her.

i was so fortunate because the weather was nothing short of amazing today, and it felt nice to get lost and walk along unfamiliar streets. after asking numerous people for directions, all of whom had no idea that a library of this manner even existed in bangkok, i finally found my way and arrived at the library dripping with sweat.

the people running the book sale and library were all very nice, and i ended up buying a book about kenya (because i hope to go there once in my lifetime), along with a copy of 100 years of solitude by gabriel garcía márquez, at ฿50 each. after checking out the sale, i decided to cool off and have a fresh coconut juice at the library's cafe. i sat there and relaxed by reading for about an hour or so, and then went inside the main building of the library to peruse in its air conditioning.

today was a really great sunday.

"When it was opened by the giant, the chest gave off a glacial exhalation. Inside there was only an enormous, transparent block with infinite internal needles in which the light of the sunset was broken up into colored stars."

one hundred years of solitude by gabriel garcía márquez. page 25.

can you imagine seeing ice for the first time in your life and discerning it this way? amazing.

it's another beautiful sunday here in bangkok---the weather is just heavenly.

i could stand on overpasses and watch traffic for hours.

another friday night with nowhere to go so it's just me and the busy streets of bangkok...

walk alone. think. walk alone. think. walk alone. think. walk alone. think. walk alone. think. walk alone. think. walk alone. think. walk alone. think. walk alone. think. walk alone. think. walk alone. think. walk alone. think. walk alone. think. walk alone. think. walk alone. think. walk alone. think. walk alone. think. walk alone. think. walk alone. think. walk alone. think. walk alone. think. walk alone. think. walk alone. think. walk alone. think. walk alone. think. walk alone. think. walk alone. think. walk alone. think. walk alone. think. walk alone. think. walk alone. think. walk alone. think. walk alone. think. walk alone. think. walk alone. think. walk alone. think. walk alone. think. walk alone. think. walk alone. think. walk alone. think. walk alone. think. walk alone. think. walk alone. think. walk alone. think. walk alone. think. walk alone. think. walk alone. think. walk alone. think. walk alone. think. walk alone. think. walk alone. think. walk alone. think. walk alone. think. walk alone. think. walk alone. think. walk alone. think. walk alone. think. walk alone. think. walk alone. think. walk alone. think. walk alone. think.

i forgot how great it feels to ride a motosai through the bustling streets of bangkok's siam on a friday evening---it's enough to make any shitty day better.

i need something to look forward to.

.

context is so damn important.

"Some things can't be solved just by going wild every now and then."

1Q84 by haruki murakami. page 162.

"But how long am I going to keep this up? Aomame wondered. How long can I keep it up? I'll be thirty soon, and before long forty will come into view."

1Q84 by haruki murakami. page 157.

i prefer serious-minded people.

you are what you read.

for new year's eve, two friends from chicago were in town, so i was BEYOND ecstatic to celebrate with them here in bangkok.

i took christine and ray to a bar called longtable, and i think it was quite possibly the best nye that i've ever had in my life. the venue was surprisingly not packed, and beautiful thai dancers in traditional garb elegantly strolled around the tables, adding a whole other element to the night.

here are some photos of the night that they just sent me, and thanks to the happy couple for making it such a memorable occasion.

i think i'm turning into a crazy old dog man...

stray animals are rampant here in bangkok, so it's always heartbreaking for me to see all these cats and dogs living on the streets.

near my studio apartment, there's this overpass where a few stray dogs have recently had a litter of puppies. ever since i discovered these puppies, i like to check-in on them and make sure they're doing alright. because i don't really have people to talk to here, sometimes i like to go and chat with the puppies. while i'm sure that they can't even understand english (since everyone else is speaking to them in thai), it still feels nice to vent and unload my thoughts and feelings. there are five puppies altogether, and i'm happy to report that they all appear healthy and are continuing to grow.

anyway, today i decided to buy the puppies some treats before going for a visit, and here are some photos that i took. i'm still using an old camera that my friends graciously sent me, but unfortunately i can't seem to get the photos to come out the way i'd like. i really need to save up and invest in a good camera.

what i would give to go on a nice scenic drive right now with somebody---i long to stare out a window and just converse.

it's saturday night here in bangkok. i'm staying in and attempting to get some work done while listening to porgy and bess.

life is great.

"sometimes i dream bigger than I live,
sometimes i think better when i'm lit,
so go ahead and light it,
roll it up, ignite it..."

from the song, memories, by big sean.

today while i was walking down the street, my left contact totally popped out of my eye.

i stopped dead in my tracks after realizing what happened, and started to search the sidewalk for it. this was right in front of a group of motosai (motorcycle taxi) drivers, and a few of them kindly began to help me look for it. just when i was about to give up on finding it, one of the motosai guys spotted it nearby. unfortunately though, it was all shriveled up by the time we retrieved it, and i was forced to put it into my mouth so it wouldn't dry out. yes, i agree---yuck x 100.

as i was standing in front of a storefront window in order to use the reflection to put it back in, the whole episode totally reminded of that scene in steel magnolias, when daryl hannah's character's contact falls out. for some reason that scene from the movie has always been burned into my memory, and i remember watching it as a kid and thinking, "what a load of bullshit, that would never happen." but, i was definitely proved wrong today.

anyway, here are some more of my photos of bangkok that i never posted.

sometimes it's really hard to distinguish: is this real life OR a parody?

sometimes, i forget how great it is to be an adult.

the simple ability and act of buying a few cans of beer on my way home always makes me smile and appreciate being of age.

so it's wednesday evening here in bangkok, and i since i have nowhere to go and no one to meet, i decided to catch a film by myself.

i went to my favorite theatre here in bangkok, lido, for a 7:15pm showing and while i normally don't enjoy going to the movies because i hate crowds, i figured that the theatre would be empty since it's wednesday and after all, that movie's been out for awhile now. however, to my surprise, half of the seats in the theatre were filled by the time it started. and before i continue on with my story, i must preface that i have been in a major funk the past few days. i've learned to understand and control my depression throughout the past few years, but i sometimes still get hit with something so powerful that it leaves my brain and body incapacitated. all these dark thoughts and moods just overtake me, and the only thing i can do about it is wait for it all to pass. so i woke up the other day feeling like complete shit, as if i'd been beaten to a pulp with a misery-stick. sleep-wise, i had actually been doing pretty good the past few weeks and have been waking up at the same time everyday without an alarm clock, but on this particular unexpected morning, everything just felt like such a struggle. the simple task of sitting up in-itself seemed impossible, and i can remember just wanting to go back to bed. so this is how i've been the past few days, and the combination of being alone here in thailand is just making things worse. on top of all that, i've been completely frustrated with my writing because i've been trying to work on this short story, but have been stuck on the same fucking first paragraph for over a god damn week now.

so there i was about an hour ago, sitting inside the theatre and patiently waiting for the movie to begin. then within the first 3 minutes of the movie, one of the film's main characters caught my attention. i didn't know the actress' name, and had never seen her in a film before, but her face looked SO familiar. and then bam---i realized that she went to my college back in nyc. now, i attended The New School in downtown manhattan, and it was one of the best things that ever happened to me. i have a lot of pride for my alma mater, and in my opinion, received the best education that suited me and what i wanted in life. one of the reasons why i wanted to go to that school is because all the classes are in seminar-style, meaning there are no more than an average of 15 students per class. i don't remember ever talking with or engaging in conversation with this random girl from my school, but i know that we were in the same shakespeare literature class. plus my college was quite small, so it's easy to get familiar with all the different students on campus after a few semesters. and in addition, i'm actually very good with recognizing faces, so i was 100% certain that this girl in the movie was the same girl from my college. after i realized it was her, this surge of uncontrollable anticipation took over my body, and i was unable to sit still or concentrate on the film. i couldn't stop obsessing over the fact that she's actually accomplishing something with her life, while my perpetually-miserable loser-self is at the theatres alone in bangkok, watching her on the big screen. don't get me wrong, i don't know her at all and i'm very happy for her and wish her the best in her career, but it just makes me question, what the fuck have i professionally accomplished with my life since i graduated college? what the hell do i have to show for the past six years? here i am all the way in bangkok, trying to live my dream and write, but will my writing ever be read by people other than my friends? will i ever become the successful person i'm determined to be?

i became so distracted with my thoughts that i had to walk out of the movie after about five minutes. when i exited onto the busy streets of siam, i came to see that it was pouring rain. i've been taking good note of the weather here in bangkok, and i'm certain that it hasn't rained like this since before all the flooding began last october. already feeling defeated, i decided to walk home because i was just so frustrated with everything about my god damn life.

while walking home and getting drenched in the rain, all i could think is that i'm just another miserable, addict-ridden, broke, depressed, unsuccessful writer---everything about my life is such a cliché.

anyway, i know i'm just having a moment of self-pity here, and am putting a stop to it now. but FUCK. seriously, sometimes i really just wonder, what is to become of me?

getting fucked-up-wasted is always my number one priority, and i really need to change that this year.