I've been working from home for the past few days, and until today, I hadn't left my apartment since Saturday night.

The weather in NYC is so gloriously welcoming today, and it feels great to get some fresh air.

"Where did I go?
When did I realize,
My love was on hold?
So now this is goodbye."

From the song Where Did I Go by Jorja Smith.

The past few weeks or so (shot on an iPhone X).

Duly noted.

The thing about the average NYC apartment is they're not that big. They come in all shapes and layouts, but the term "spacious" is not something that pops into mind often. That's also the case for my current apartment. It's totally fine and I like it here, but my fire alarms always goes off if I cook something oily in a pan for too long. It's because one fire alarm is at the end of the hallway towards the back bedroom, which isn't too far from the kitchen. There's no good ventilation around there, so the smell gets trapped. And it'll make the fire alarm go off, which instantly activates the one in my room that's on the other side of a nearby wall. The sound is so piercing and totally puts me in panic mode. It usually takes a few back-and-forths of me sprinting between the two while I jab at each with the end of my Swiffer Sweeper stick before there's silence again. Thinking about having to deal with this has actually stopped me from making certain kinds of food sometimes. I know this could be a good way to kickstart a policy of cooking healthier stuff, but dammit I'm just not ready for that yet.

Hearing the word relax is the about the most un-relaxing thing to hear.

"Let's just bake a cake for everyone who wants a cake to be baked!"

Said by Andrew Garfield at the 2018 Tony Awards during his acceptance speech for Best Lead Actor in Angels in America.

So many people who've reached a certain level of success and prominence have repeatedly expressed the same learning lesson: Nothing is ever as perfect as it seems, and no amount of money or fame is going to magically fix everything.

Yes, but why is it so hard to digest this information? To actually take it to heart. To stop romanticizing things that are simply figments of fiction created from our own imagination. To know there's a truth to every situation beyond what is seen by the eye is the first thing to disappear in the mind. But that old adage saying the best things in life are free is so true. And maybe that's what scares people the most into thinking otherwise.

I've been reading up on all of the amazing essays, think pieces, and social media posts dedicated to Anthony Bourdain this past weekend. I've never had the pleasure of working with him or ever being in the same room as him through some industry function. I've known nothing beyond my experiences of watching his tv shows or interviews, so learning more about him through all of the deeply personal messages dedicated to him has been really moving. It just makes me so sad to think that he saw suicide as the only way out, and seeking a solution through any other resource was futile. I think just like how our physical bodies break down and get hurt, the same thing happens to the brain. And mental health is a real issue that needs to be taken seriously. 

I used to write a lot more on this blog about being depressed and feeling down, but it's something that's gotten better for me with time. However, for the periods when I do still feel it, I don't want to bring it anymore thought or attention to it, so I push it away and definitely don't write about it. But I can't lie and say it never happens, because it still does on a regular basis. I try to deal with it all in more positive ways now, and small things like taking deep breaths and pausing the racing hamster wheel of thoughts in my head has been helpful. But what I've realized most in all these years is that it's during the cloud of depression when the instinct to hide away from the world is strongest, when in actuality, that's the time when friends and support are needed the most.

"I decided instead of running away from the idea of a life alone, I'd better sit down and take that fear to lunch... So, I sat there. And had a glass of wine alone. No books, no man, no friends, no armor, no faking."

Said by Carrie Bradshaw in the HBO show Sex and the City. Season 2, Episode 4: They Shoot Single People, Don't They?

Were we?
Worry.

It's. Not. That. Serious.

"Are we leaving,
this garden of Eden?"

From the song Garden by Dua Lipa.

Good morning, everyone. Sometimes I wake up with a melody already stuck in my head.

There are a few facets of my life I've been actively pursing for the past few years. Whether as baby steps or a larger risk, I've been trying to work at it to keep things moving along somehow. But what I'm doing just doesn't seem to be working. And I'm at a loss for what to try next. Like, what am I doing wrong and how do I get the results I want?

Between.

Belong.

Be right back.

"I can't understand."

From the song I Can't Understand by Queen Latifah.

There's a bottle of wine that's been in my fridge for over an entire week...

Wow, is this 35?

Some people have no idea that I think about them everyday. Every. Damn. Day.

Eating salad with a fork = Salad
Eating salad with chopsticks = Banchan

I am not my spelling mistake...

"Or do you not think so far ahead? 'Cause I been thinkin' 'bout forever."

From the song Thinkin About You by Frank Ocean.

That makes sense.

Happy Memorial Day weekend!

Life is just death's procrastination.

"I don't wanna waste no time all alone.
Want somewhere to go, something to call my own.
And I ain't satisfied. 
Where to go?"

From the song New Love by Dua Lipa.

"The most important things in life aren't things. They're the feelings you get when you can afford to buy things."

From Encouragement for Struggling Creatives in the May 28, 2018 issue of The New Yorker. Written by Riane Konc.

Hello, mellow fellow.

Incomplete directions = Incorrect directions

One of each, please.

Ohhh. That person that did that thing. Yes.

Special occasion food.

Zany.

In the same way creativity works, not releasing the love from within, and any suppression of it, materializes in toxic ways.

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there.

I love my mom so much.

It's robots, not immigrants, who are taking your jobs.

"Big things have small beginnings, sir."

Said by Mr. Dryden in the movie Lawrence of Arabia.

"Wake up, 게임은 내가 이긴걸."

From the song Pretty Boy by 2NE1.

"My heart changed my mind,
I gol' dar gone and done it."

From the song Love Gets Me Every Time by Shania Twain.

"I want you to remember me."

From the song Snapshot by RuPaul featuring Macutchi.

• It really pisses me off when I go to a restaurant and see a dumbass customer get in the face of the host/hostess because they're mad about not being seated right away since their group is incomplete. It's like, that's not how restaurants in NYC work, you idiot! Just stay home and be rude to your stove instead, jackass.
• When it's muggy, hot, and you don't have your air conditioner installed yet in your apartment, it's when you're sitting in the air-conditioned subway ride home that one realizes what a luxury the cool air on your skin at that moment truly is.
• Reading has been replaced by scrolling.
• I spent all of my childhood avoiding the bathroom at exactly 12am because I was terrified of Bloody Mary appearing in the mirror to kill me. During high school when I slept late, I was sure to always shower or enter the bathroom at 12:05am or after just to be on the safe side.  And now at 35, the memory of living most of my young life like this came flooding back. And I can't remember at what age I stopped fearing the bathroom at the stroke of midnight. All of it just makes me want to have a bloody mary at a bar in celebration.
• The theme song to the podcast "Late Night Whenever with Michelle Buteau" is catchy and has been stuck in my head for hours. And the podcast is super funny, too.
• Button-down shirts buttoned all the way to the collar + tucked into pants = the uniform for the truly uptight.

Sade Baderinwa.

A day without typing LOL is a day without textual awkwardness.

I finished watching the Broadway production of Angels in America today.

The full title is Angels in America: A Gay Fantasia on National Themes, and this year's revival marks the 25th anniversary of the original Broadway opening. The play's over 8 hours long with intermissions, and is broken down into two different parts. I watched Part I last Sunday, and the second and final part today. Part II went by a lot faster than the first, but the entire production and experience itself was so good that it made the time just fly by.

It's hard to believe it had been about twelve years since I last went to a Broadway show in New York! I forgot how it felt to sit in an audience and experience everything together in real time. To laugh and clap, or feel speechless as a group made me realize the power in good writing. How a word or a phrase brought the entire audience to the same reaction (which is no easy feat), invoking an emotion that felt so much better in solidarity. The set design, lighting, and acting were all so amazing. I was floored by the entire production, and how spaces were transformed so quickly through details both slight and grand. I especially enjoyed the art direction of this production because it was based off neon lights, which I've always had a thing for.

As a gay man, it felt like an honor to watch Angels in America on Broadway. I can't imagine how it felt to watch it in 1993, when the AIDS crisis was still happening and the future of helping those in need was an unclear road. Watching it now in 2018 was comforting because many of the issues the play discussed have gotten better thanks to science and technology. But what makes it so relevant right now is how it hits on topics that still influence culture today like homophobia, corruption, drugs, and America's views on those who suffer from an illness.

One of my favorite lines from the play was towards the end and said by the character Prior Walter. He was played by Andrew Garfield, who was phenomenal. "More life," Prior pleaded after declaring he had not done all of the things he'd wanted to yet in life. He was still only in his late twenties, and demanded more time to live. It was during scenes like these when everyone watching was stunned, with even the constant soundtrack of audience members coughing coming to a pause.

Here's a photo I took with the neon wings set up by the downstairs bathrooms.

"It must've been the moonlight, except there was no moon."

Said by the character Helen Schlegel in the movie Howard's End.

The weather in NYC was really warm yesterday, and there was this sudden revolution in skin that came with it. It felt like such a shock to see flesh in the streets and on the subway again. This winter seemed like it went on forever, so the sight of bare legs and shoulders everywhere was a pleasant reminder of nicer weather right around the corner.

Eyes strained.
Jaws tense.
Butthole clenched.

"Snapshot. Red-hot."

From the song Snapshot ft Macutchi by Rupaul.

I dare you to listen to this song and not dance to it. Impossible.

“My heart beats for the one I love.”

From the song Heartbeat by Taana Gardner.

"Heartbeat,

It makes me feel so weak."

From the song Heartbeat by Taana Gardner.

Things will be different 50 years from now.

If that thought crossed someone's mind on the day Martin Luther King Jr. was assassinated fifty years ago, today is the answer.

Progress in every way imaginable has been achieved in the past five decades. But the fact that this inequality and hatred based on ethnicity or religion not only still exists, but to some, is what feels right in their heart, is where so much more needs to be done. There will always be people with different opinions, but understanding that working together is the best solution for everyone's future needs to become a standard that replaces hate.

"Miss Vanjie.
Miss Vanjie.
Miss Vanjie."

Said by Vanessa Vanjie Mateo in the show Rupaul's Drag Race. Season 10, Episode 1.

Hue.
Phew.
You.

"A young man on a bicycle three years ago, probably a grocer's helper or errand boy, riding down a narrow path with his apron on, staring me straight in the face, as I stared back, no smile, just a troubled look, till he passed me by. And then I did what I always hope others might do in such cases. I waited a few seconds, then turned around. He had done the exact same thing."

From the book Call Me By Your Name. Written by Andre Aciman, Page 176.

It's not life, sweetie. It's you.

Free writing.
Free thinking.
Free anxiety.
Not stopping.
Letting it all out.
Like a breath.
Like a sigh.
Like a moment.
It says bye.
That it'll try.
Get un-preoccupied.
Because FYI.
There's no more time.

Smutty.
Stubby.
Slutty.
Study.

Is that even a hobby?

Eat real fast,
eat real hard.
Eat like trash,
Eat, like, carbs.

I just got back home from a work trip to Toronto. Halfway during the Uber ride back to my place from Laguardia, a number of firetrucks with their sirens and lights blaring passed by. I didn't think anything of it but when I stepped out of the car onto the sidewalk of my block, the smell of a fire somewhere was instant. There's still a faint sound of helicopters hovering somewhere nearby.

Not.
Note.
Nope.

"The phrase keeps flying around in my head like a bat, fluttering and flapping and slapping at the corners of an attic."

From the book Sing, Unburied, Sing by Jesmyn Ward. Page 169.

A new way to do jack shit.

Gluten galore.

There's nothing that humming can't get you through.

"Wait for it."

From so many good memes.

Well then, what is it you'd like to do all day, Johnny?

Scroll!

It took a bit of time before Jess and I got furniture in our living room. We moved in together last September, but didn't even get a couch until December. Instead, the majority of the first few months at our new place was usually spent standing in the kitchen. Our kitchen is compact with no room for a dining table or chairs, but it has plenty of counter space and is where you could always find us. That's where we'd eat, drink, and talk for hours upon hours with music in the background. We laughed so much during that time, with all that standing helping in feeling more enthralled. And whenever either of us got tired, we'd just lean onto our kitchen counters or hop up to sit on them for a break.

But now, most of our time is spent plopped on the couch in our living room while watching tv. And sometimes I miss just hanging in the kitchen, standing around doing stuff. In general, and especially at bars, I like standing and being on my feet. It makes me feel more engaged with stuff.

Jess is away on vacation right now, and I've been trying to be good about not wasting too much time on tv. With the apartment to myself, I'm choosing to luxuriate in the ability to stay in today. And since I am not going to step foot outside of my place, standing in the kitchen while typing this helps in feeling more productive.

A little note on turning 35 last week:

Thirty-five,
Still got that drive.
Thirty-five,
Time to revive.
Thirty-five,
Break the pattern of contrive.
Thirty-five,
you've already arrived.
Thirty-five,
Don't look back on that deep dive.

There's nothing sexier than when a guy tucks in his shirt.

"Friend: I'm not going to finish this. Do you want it?

Me: No, thanks. I'm full.

Friend: Fine. But then I'm just going to throw it away...

Me: No! Fine, I'll eat it."

My friends always know how to get me.

Brie.
Bro.
Bra.
Brew.