i just got home from the LAMEST HOUSE party in Park Slope, BK. it was not only the worst halloween party, but the lamest house party ive been to in a LONG ass time, for reals.

the only good thing about the party was that they had Pot Rice Krispie Treats. i had a lot, even tho i usually don't eat too many sweets. anyway, now i'm home and i can't tell if i'm drunk or high... but i'm definitely fucked up by something. just because, before the party i went to Sea in Williamsburg and had like 5 drinks because my friends were about an hour late to dinner and i was waiting at the bar by myself for awhile.

i want to live my life without secrets. it's so much easier said than done.

i need a good cry.

im so stupid, stupid, stupid!

finally blogger is back up. i've been wanting to blog throughout the day, but it seems that the website was down or somthing was up with it.

okay, first is, i;ve decided to put down the peace pipe for awhile. because of it, i have not left my house in more than 48 hours and can not believe it's sat night already. wow, the past 2 days have been a BLUR. plus, i only have about 2 months until korea, and i want to start working out on a regular regimen. when i smoke weed though, nothing is possible. i barely have the motivation to leave me room, let alone do anything at all. so yes, as most of you don't know, i'm obsessed with starting things at the end of a day so that i can have a clean start after mignight. so after minute tonight, the peace pipe is gone!

ok, there was a lot more stfuf i wanted to write about, but my mind is scattered and burnt.

gee.

i'm working on my senior work, which is due in a month and 1/2 (AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!) and is a memoir of my life this far. a lot of it is pretty negative, with me reflecting on all the shit i've been through. but lately i've been thinking that maybe i'm being too harsh on all the things i've been through., i'm just really torn now and all my plans of how i wanted to write it are now all pretty much changing. it's so hard when you're actually in front of your computer, trying to write this. all the bad memories that i think of leave me exhausted at certain points, and i find myself just simply not wanting to get into it.

oh and PS, MY TICKETS TO KOREA HAVE BEEN PURCHASED! i leave on Christmas Eve, and come back on March 22. it's finally happening, it's pretty surreal.

i went rowing yesterday with my class on the hudson river. it was so damn beautiful. we could see jersey, the statue of liberty, and all these other famous landmarks from our boat. it was exciting.

also i lost my fucking ipod yesterday. the irony is, i lost it right before i was going to go to the apple store to get it fixed because it had broke two days ago. and i got to the apple store and realized i didn't have it. yeah, sucks.

here are some rowing pics.

it is raining cats and dogs here in nyc!

damn its like 6:30 on a saturday and i feel sooo sleepy already. i just had dinner with a friend in williamsburg and had a vodka-tonic and i can barely keep my eyes open now.

anyhoo, i finally got my visa for korea! woot woot! now all i've got to do is buy a ticket and i'm good to go.

will update again later.

i am such a procrastinator. it's so fucking dumb of me, but i can't help but just push things off until the last minute. anyway, i banked out two papers in 5 hours, and then took like a 3 hour break of doing absolutely nothing but surfing the web. now i am on my third paper, and am pretty confident that i'll get all four done by 8 this morning.

why is it so hard for me to break my bad habits? ahh it drives me crazy. i honestly think sometimes it's my environment. it's hard to change things in your life when your environment stays the same. i feel that's true with many things in my life.

anyhoo. i went to the met yesterday for one of my papers, and have to go again later today for a class trip.

life is good, be humble. i wish i could think of those words when i'm feeling not so great.

i purchased 10 albums within the past week. i love music...

i think i'm sick. i'm not talkingabout physically either, i'm talking mentally. i have no idea what's fucking going on with me, but i just feel so fucking depressed. i was on the subway today and found myself digging my nails into my arms for no reason. i didn't even realize i was doing it until i saw some lady looking at my arms. i was so preoccupied with bad thoughts. damn, i don't want to be like this anymore. i don't want to talk to anyone anymore. i want to take a vow of poverty. i want to live a simple fucking life... i just want to be happy.

the god damn fucking city is driving me out of my fucking mind.

i haven't bought a magazine in over a week... i'm being so good...

am i a bad person?

why do i feel such anger in my life???

you know i say this to my friend all the time, and she tells me it's one of the most ridiculous things she's ever heard in her life, but i think i'm too happy of a person.

i need to cut down on the acting happy bullshit.

i just got this overwhelming feeling of depression.

omg i want to do something so bad.

i feel so restless and can not sleep. i have no idea why. my sleeping problems are so damn frustrating sometimes. i tried my breathing excercises, which sometimes works, but didn't today.

anyway, i had an interesting day yesterday. my cousin who is now living in my house, had never been to manhattan in his life. in fact, he came straight to queens when he moved here a few weeks ago, and has basically been working everyday since then.

so sat night i drank this whole jug of pinot noir by myself as me and him bonded and talked. he asked if i would take him out to the city the next day and i agreed in my drunken stupor. so i wake up hungover as fuck because he's been knocking on my door all morning, trying to wake me up. at ten i finally get up and shower, and we're out the door by 10:30.

i'm too lazy to list all the places i took him to, but suffice it to say we saw all the good shit. by the time we got home, i was exhausted as hell. so we get home and then i go out and meet some friends for dinner. blah blah, i get home and do some reading and school shit. i go to bed, but can't do anything but toss and turn. yeah. and viola, now i am here typing.

so a thought crossed my mind today as i was with my cousin. i asked him what type of food he likes, so i could think of which restaurant we could go to for lunch. i start asking if he likes pasta, indian food, thai food, etc. and then he said he's never had any of those foods in his life. he's 34... and i suddenly got real sad. not because i felt bad about asking him, but to think of myself where i grew up in a culture with only really one kind of food, i feel that's so unfair. the fact that he's 34 and has never had lasagna of pad thai in his life. i think it just symbolizes how lucky i am to have things that could be considered a luxury by other people, to have those things as a norm in my life.

i tend to bitch a lot about whatever, but lately i've been trying to humble myself as possible. if i think, "fuck i just missed the bus!" or "damn it i really hate how i look today," i realize how fucking stupid i am, and if THOSE ARE THE BIGGEST WORRIES OF MY LIFE, THEN I HAVE A PRETTY GOD DAMN GOOD LIFE.

of course, it's hard to always think like that, but i'm trying...

anyway, i've decided to start trying to add more picture to this blog, i feel like it adds some variety.

so school's started, yowza!

my schedule this semster is a bit off, but enjoyable nonetheless. however, i've spent over $400 in books and supplies for the semester! madness! especially for a liberal arts school. i don't think i've ever spent so much in one semester.

tomorrow is friday. i end class by noon and have to go to the korean embassy in new york to inquire about some visa info. and then, hopefully i'll catch up on the pages and pages of reading i have. but i'll probably just frolick in the sun.

i don't think i've ever been so conscious of my race in my life.

what is it with people in this country? they can't get over the fact that there are non-white and non-black people here.

it's 2006 people, FUCKING GET OVER IT.

tomorrow is labor day, aka the end of summer. i start classes on tuesday, woohoo!

anyway, i have 4 months to save money for korea. it's on!

i can't stop listening to the Yeah Yeah Yeahs.

hmm. i've been so lazy these past few days. i came back to nyc last week. also found out that a cousin in Washington, DC, who recently came to the states, is moving into out house. he's 32 and i haven't seen him in almost 15 years. yeah, he's currently sleeping in my old room, since i've moved into my old sisters' room.

yeah... aside from that, i've been in a deep funk and depression. yay!

i'm in harvard square in boston.

i really needed to get the hell out of nyc so i came up here to crash at a friend's place for about a week. i mostly came here with the intent of getting a lot of writing done, but it's not happening so far.

what the fuck is wrong with me sometimes...

hate myself.

i just got home from a friend's party. man, for the whole month of july, it's just been constant birthdays and other engagements i attended, and i can finally say that it's all over!! i mean, don't get me wrong i loved celebrating all these occasions, but i am just exhausted from going out.

for the month of august, i will stay home every night and love every minute of it.

so today was my last day of work.

it feels extremely surreal... i still can't believe it... this feeling of not having work to do and relaxation is something i haven't felt since this past april.

anyway, i need to make a To Do list of all the shit i want to do before i start school in sept.

the possibilities are endless!

wow i have 7 working days left at work. craziness, i can't believe it.

anyway... i started re-reading The Death of a Salesman. I haven't read it since my sophomore year of high school.

blah, nothing else to say.

i have 3 more weeks until i finish work. weee i'm so fucking excited i can't even think. seriously, i'm in total "quit mode" about my job, where i no longer have the energy to do everything. i barely made it through the day, i can't wait for the weekend.

so last night i had the most sexual dream. i woke up feeling really... well, you know the feeling. yeah, i need to get me some booty real soon.

so the channel finally launched... watching it was pretty surreal, i couldn't believe it was happening. it's weird to see the past 3 months of my blood, sweat and tears finally surface as something i can see before my own eyes.

i just got home after partying with my fello coworkers. we all watched the launch of the channel in the office together, and then ate at Shilla, this really good korean restaurant in K town. afterwards we went to karaoke and i slipped out of it a bit early. you know, i have some coworkers i just don't respect. i left karaoke early because i felt that many of them were being rude to the workers and establishment, and seeing that just really fucking pisses me off. i hate people who just have no common sense... i have one coworker who i think really is unstable, she's the craziest person i've ever worked with. i can't stand her as a person, and especially not as a coworker. i'm going to talk to my bosses tomorrow and give them my one months notice tomorrow. i launched the channel, i did what i said i would. now i need to just not be there anymore, working there is slowly draining my soul.

today i had a bit of meltdown at work. i started to cry from all the stress, i just couldn't handle it anymore. i don't want to live like this... at a stressful job where i don't feel fulfilled at all...

anyway, i have a meeting early in the morning tomorrow. good night all.

wowee wow wow.

the channel is launching later tonight. i am so fucking excited that i can't even think. finallyyy, the day has come. i plan to get shitfaced tonight beyond comprehension, yay for me.

anyway, i found out i was in the korean paper in new york this past saturday. thing is, they fucking spelled my god damn name wrong, which i think is pretty hilarious. reminds of when i was interning at paper magazine, and they usually list the names of interns in the masthead. anyway, the first time my name was ever in the masthead of a magazine, this is what it said. "JHON SMITH." *NOT MY REAL NAME*

yeah, they fucking spelled my name wrong. it's tae damn it. so in this korean paper, they wrote "GHON SMITH." haha, i can't help but laugh at the whole situation, it's pretty funny.

i brought home a photocopy of the article, which my parents will see when they wake up in the morning. i got home after they went to bed and it's laying on our table in the living room. i hope they feel al little proud of me.

last night i had actual nightmares about work. i woke up about 4 times in a panic that i had programmed the channel incorrectly, and just freaked out about it. hmm, weird.

the channel is launching on Tuesday... wow. i can't believe i'm saying that. june 27th 2006 will live in infamy in my life. i fucking can't wait to get this shit over with, for reals. i truly feel unhappy at the place i work, and already have my plans of quitting in my head. it's weird, i tell my friends about it and they all tell me how lucky i am, and how there's so many other people dying to be in my position, but i guess the passion isn't there for me. this is just a minor stop in my life, and i feel it's not fair to me, nor the company. someone who's absolutely passionate about all this should have the chance to be doing what i'm doing, and the company is more than entitled to having someone like that.

okay, no more fucking work talk. i'm still trying to figure out some plan to go somewhere in august, but i have no idea of where to do. fuck.

ok time for porn, folks.

just kidding. (actually i'm not).

i can not wait until this week is over. stressssssssss. oh yes, the stress level has spiked, thanks to the launch of the channel being less than a week away.

so yeah. i was thinking today about the people who own the deli on the corner of my block. it's a Korean couple, and the dad is handicapped. it's sad to watch them at work because i just feel so helpless for them. and then they have young daughters who sometime hang around the store, and the whole picture just leaves me depressed. i think about this family's life, and all the struggles they go through. not to mention that when i went in the other day, they told me they got robbed days earlier.... i was just like, damn that sucks.

i try and go there as much as possible and buy everything i need, but in the end i just don't know how long they'll be open. hopefully it'll be for a long time. sometimes a grandma is at the store with them, just sitting there and watching the customers. i think about the life that she's had, growing up in Korea, and emigrating to the U.S. for a better life. did she ever imagine herself living like she does now? not that i am in any way putting it down, but i think it's not an ideal life that people dream about.

i'm very grateful that i've been able to have an education... to grow up in this country with the opportunities i have. if i had the decision to leave this country for a new country that my future kids would have a better life at, i don't know if i could do it.

therefore, i look up to all the immigrants out there. because in them, i see myself and the struggles that my parents went through.

okay, gonna go watch conan and get some sleep.

good night to whomever might be reading this...... SAY HI! (so i don't feel so alone)

i feel bad about griping to people about my life. i guess that's why i try to keep it to a minimum and do it mostly here on this blog.

speaking of this blog... i don't think a single person ever reads it anymore. but that's cool, because i guess it's more for myself rather than anyone else.

where you came from

god... it's like 4:17 and i feel completely depressed. i've been tossing and turning for the past 30 minutes in bed, unable to close my eyes because i have so many things on my mind.

i fucking hate my life. i think for awhile, work has kept me so busy that i haven't had time to feel depressed, but then it hit me... i feel so upset, and i don't know why.

i don't want to go to work tomorrow, or do anything for that matter. i want to have a nice meal with my parents and tell them i love them.

my life is pointless, i am here for no reason.

sometimes i miss people so bad. i miss them so badly that i think back on all the happy times we had together, and can't fathom how i'm actually able to live my life without them...

it's crazy. i don't know what has brought these sudden emotions on to me.

it's almost 3:30, just got out of the shower after getting home from work, and i feel delirious.

i have absolutely nothing to wear tomorrow to work because i haven't been able to go to the laundromat in almost three weeks. fuck man, i don't even have the time and energy to wash my clothes, i feel like a loser.

and tomorrow our new VJ for the channel is coming in to take press photos and all that. blah blah.

fun in the sun!

i feel like i haven't written an entry with substance in awhile.

so.

what's new world?

as for me, same old. my emotions are running high and thin these past few days due to work. i can't believe that the channel is launching in two weeks.... for the past few months, what has become my life, will finally launch and hopefully things will be a little bit more stable for me. it's funny because while i was finishing this past semester, and working 50+ hours a week, i was thinking of how happy i would be after my semester finished. i pictured living at the office for the weeks leading up to launch, doing nothing but breathing in work.

but now that the time has come, it's not like that.

isn't it funny that life is never how you imagined? i think of what i'll do or how i'll be at certain times, and i realize that life is never like that. i have to stop doing that.

it's funny because i've always said that i never want to let anything define me. being gay, korean, a new yorker, a college student, etc. i've never wanted to let a single category define me to who i am to others, but this channel has defined me. i've met so many amazing people through work, and i'm so grateful for that.

3 am and i just got home.

i'm in a paranoid state because i lost my keys. now i'm all worried that someone's going to be able to come into my house and rob it.

did i tell you that i found my FIRST ever grey hair yesterday on my head? i feel kind of proud because i have never had a grey hair in my life, and i feel that this solidifies all the stress and hard work i'm doing at my job. yay for me. i'm pathetic.

i can't stop eating these past few days. its soo bad because all i do is eat eat eat. woohoooooooooo.

anyhoo, i recently got some business cards. i feel so professional. my first business cards in my life ever, and it's from a company that isn't too shabby. my parents of course are estatic and have been giving them out like free candy to everyone that they know. cool.

anyway, i think in january after i graduate, i might travel around korea and maybe countries like thailand or something for two months. at least i'm going to aim for two months, but once again this is just one of my many failed plans of travel that i've planned throughout my life, so hopefully even going to korea will come through.

i had all these things i wanted to write about, but alas it is 1:30 in the morning and i have to shower and do my nightly routine of watching tv and reading.

later gators.

i am feeling sooo lazy.

i just watched hours of tv after eating a box of craft cheese macaroni.

now i feel too lazy to even wash my face or shower before i go to bed. yay for me.

anyway, i woke up on sunday so hungover that i could barely move, i was miserable. i woke up with dried blood all over my face, and my glasses were broken. i didn't get out of bed all day, and the most movement i had was turning my head to watch television.

yeah... drank wayyyy too much on saturday night.

but i work hard so i feel slightly justified.

good times... good times!

damn. it's friday and the weather in new york is damn horrible, no joke. it took me 2 and 1/2 hours today to get home on the subway because alot of the tracks were flooded.

anyhoo, i just got home and found that all my books i have stacked up on the head of my bed collapsed. i dont know how many books i have, but i have three columns stacked sideways that are each about 3 feet high. my sister always said that those books were going to kill me one day while i slept because they'd fall over on my face, but good thing it happened when i wasn't sleeping. i need to buy a bookshelf bad but i'm too lazy to get one, blah.

sometimes i get the urge to just cancel my cell phone and live in the woods all by myself.

i will live alone and die alone. that is my fate.

instead of bitching about inconsequential nothings, i'll think about others who are going through real life issues that have true effects on our lives. in the end, my job is just that, a job... and nothing more.

my condolences.

i feel like no matter where i am in life, i will never feel like i fit in.

world's on fire

i want to change the world... i want to help people... i want to give a voice to those without one...

3.5 hour conference call

it's almost six in the morning and i just got home now. today was a super long day at work. got in at 10:30 in the morning, and then had conference call at 9pm to korea, then another one at 1 in the morning to korea. the one that started at 1 ended at about 5 am. i'm beat.

mother's day yesterday was a complete success. i went and bought this sashimi platter for my parents and sister, along with some nice cheeses to slice up and eat as well. they all enjoyed their gifts and food, it made me happy that they liked everything.

okay, back to talk about work. i know, i know, it's all i talk about, but it's really consuming my life. sometimes i don't even know what to say about work anymore... and i'll leave mt thoughts at that. i had this whole long and profound epiphany that i wanted to share today, but i realize it's not even really an epiphany, just a tiny burst of thought that i had tried to make into something bigger, but i now realize it's petty.

what it all does come down to is, what do i value most in life? what is it that i find important and that i can't live without. i sometimes think i know, but then i'm always proven wrong.

anyway, need rest. good night world.

blah19

damn i am so exhausted. i can't believe i haven't written here in almost a week.

i had my last day of classes this past thursday. i'm elated that the school semester is now officially over, no more stressing about papers and all that stuff. woohoo. now i get to only stress about work.

today was a normal day for work. feeling overworked and stressed as usual, but enough about that.

but alas, it is a friday night and i can sleep in tomorrow. i'll probably end up going into the office anyway to get some work done, but at least it'll be saturday and the office will be empty for the most part.

i'm trying to write my final paper but i can't help but procrastinate.

i've come to the conclusion that i fucking hate writing papers. does that still make me a writer????

i'm very confused at the moment.

on a side note, yesterday i went to this small theatre in the east village that was playing all the films of the graduating seniors from the nyu film school. i went because my friend, who is a budding actor, was in one of the short films.

i think it's weird that i don't find it weird to see my friend acting and watching him on the big screen of a theatre. well about the short film he was in, suffice it to say his acting was good, but the film was soooo bad. seriously it was trying so hard to be artsy and for every fucking scene, it would completely fade to black. WHAT THE FUCK. every damn scene was like that! i couldn't help but roll my damn eyes each time that happened.

and for some of the other films, they weren't that funny but man, people in the theatre were going insane. i was upset because i thought that a joint had been passed around the audience and it somehow skipped me, and maybe that's why i didn't find the movies funny like the other people?

ok, well shit shit shit. it's 2:30. fuckerrrrrr.

blah18

i think my neighbor saw me making out just now with that guy i'm seeing. i really hate this feeling. i feel like such an anomaly, like i don't belong to society and that all actions i partake in my personal life should be shunned and kept hidden away from society. i hate this feeling.

now i have to write a paper for school that's due tomorrow. this sucks.

blah17

it hit me like a city bus out of nowhere. sitting in the passenger seat of my friend's car with the window half open, i could feel the early summer breeze whipping by my forehead and hair, and it hit me. i wanted to cry and crawl into fetus position and just dissappear. it's been awhile since i've felt like this because i've been so busy with work and school, and i guess today was the first time in awhile since i've had a moment to think clearly.

i feel so unhappy. everything i do in life seems pointless. the work i'm doing for my channel is something that most people would find fulfilling, but i don't. it leaves me nothing but stressed out, and i wish that i could live on a deserted island with nothing but meager food and the greatest books of all time. while my body would be malnurished, my heart and would be fed constantly, leaving me always fulfilled with reading about the lives and stories of the greatest people of all time.

i have too many expectations with my life, and sometimes i think that it's not all that it's cracked up to be.

blah16

3 o clock and just got home from work.

i had a great story to tell but i'll leave it for next time.

blah15

the rain tonight felt so good when i was coming home. it's been awhile since i walked in the rain with a smile, not thinking about the squishing sound my shoes were making with each step. it's about 10 o clock and i managed to come home today at a decent hour. things are getting more intense at work and i know that it'll only get worse, but then again i feel very lucky i guess. i see and think about people who i come upon and encounter with everyday, people who have less desirable and glamorous jobs than me, but who don't have the luxury to bitch and moan about it like myself.

i think about my dad who drives people around in his livery cab all day. i think about all the rude and crazy people he must encounter on a daily basis, all the people who treat him like shit and with no respect. that's when i realize that i am lucky... to be sitting in a cushy office under one of the most famous companies in the world. to not have to deal with people who don't who treat my like shit, because people i encounter for work are more than nice to me.

blah14

the weather outside looks amazing and i'm probably going to go out soon. i'm torn between going into the office to get some work done, or just doing some shit i need to get done. because i figure i'll be working a lot this week anyway, so i might as well enjoy my days off. BUT, i know i have a lot to do and going in today to do some stuff would help with my workload tomorrow.

so yesterday was pretty fun. went to this fun housewarming/ fundraiser thing with a few friends. i was reluctant to go because i'm not really comfortable at those kid of places, but it turned out to be fun. initially i wanted to leave because there were so many people, but after it thinned out a little, things got better.

afterwards went to a friend's bday party in the city at this place called Prey. man, that place really sucks. it was so damn crowded and the music there really sucks. my friend got a bottle of johnny but i was still too fucked from the night before so i opted not to drink.

after prey my friends wanted to come over to my office and watch korean music videos so we were there till like 3 in the morning pigging out on food and just hanging out.

my life is pretty boring.

blah13

man i had a rough night yesterday. drank way too fucking much, yuck!

i haven't been this hungover in a real long time. so i woke up today and even though i have no recollection of it, i apparently barfed on my floor right by my bed. i woke up to a big heap of throwup that i had to clean.

yeah, time to ease up on the bottle again.

Mirror

What in life really matters?

All the stressing that you do on a daily basis, will it really matter?

I don't know. I'm not trying to cop out from my job or anything, but what the hell is all of this ever going to matter in my life? Maybe it's the principal of having diligence in doing all things you're supposed to get done, but sometimes I wonder about the point of half the things I do.

blah12

last night was pretty crazy. went to 4 different places and ended up at Camel to finish off the night. i had a lot of fun, i think i drank too much. seriously woke up hungover this morning.

today has been such a lazy ass sunday. it's not even 9 but i want to sleep soon.

losing control

my friend's picking me up in about 25 minutes to go to the city for my friend jess' bday. we're having dinner at sapa and then probably heading over to koreatown for a few drinks and maybe go party.

shit, okay gotta go get ready.

blah11

damn, haven't had enough time to come here and blog for a few days.

mmm i swear i always think of all these great anecdotes and funny stories to write about that's happened to me, but yeah, can't think of any at the moment.

soo, i'll write about saturday night. my channel had this joint party and man it was crazy. well first of all, on sat i was up early and left my house by 10 to run errands alllllll day. seriously, running back and forth to get the flyers printed at kinkos, other work related things for the party, and also i met up with my friend from school because we're writing an investigative paper together. we went to jackson heights to do some reporting, and man, that in itself was crazy.

basically, our story is about fake IDs, and jackson heights is like the #1 destination in the east coast for people who want fake IDs, passports, greencards, whatever. so there's me and my friend who's this cute girl and when we went to all these places to get things, everyone thought we were narcs. but we did manage to hook up with these sketchy ass people who wanted to take us to this room to show us the IDs, but we realized that it was getting too dangerous. yeah, i felt extremely paranoid and knew we were being watched, either by other sketchy people on the team of people who make fake IDs, or by the cops who are always patrolling that neighborhood.

yeah, it was a great experience.

anyway, off to read.

"she works hard for her money..." damn right i do!

work work work work work work work. yayyyyyy.

was at the office until 2 am today, getting some shit done. blah. we did some interviews today for staff and theres so many people who want to work for the company. yeah, i guess i feel lucky to have my job.

but i have absolutely no time for anything else. cant even fucking to to jack spade to buy that new bag i want.

we have all these auditions tomorrow for on air people. should be interesting, gonna enjoy watching the people squirm.

"mmm what, what was i talking about?"

throughout the days i always think of so many things to blog about for when i come home. but then i get home and i've forgotten everything and no longer feel like writing, i hate that.

anyway, i recieved my company email and phone number today, so that was exciting, on top of everything else.

tomorrow is wednesday, and then the weekend is just around the corner. wow. time flies.

blah10

been such a busy busy day. i knew this job wouldn't be easy. ugh. i dont know.

anyway, tired, just got home. it's going to be a long 2 months.

blah9

i got a haircut today. it's back to my usualy short length, i look and feel much cleaner.

blah8

you know it's taking longer than i expected for me to adpat to the New York Times' new website. i find myself automatically X-ing my safari when i'm on it. all the stories seem so hard to find on it. and i'm not that interested in watching video clips. hopefully i'll get used to it soon.

so i just talked to my friend in alaska. he's probably my oldest friend, i've know him for ten years now. it's weird bc we talk only once or twice a year, but whenever we do it's so fucking natural and it's like we've been hanging out everyday. i say that's how you can tell who a true friend it. i told him about my new job, and that my plans to go back and visit him alaska are now not realistic since i'm tied dow to work.

i just finished writing up some work for this focus group i'm throwing for our channel. ugh, so much to do. but, "Happy happy!" that's what my boss says when he produces shows. before he yells action, he always says "HAPPY HAPPY!" to the talent. haha i love it.

anyhoo. that is all for today.

i can not wait until the weekend. now i realize why the weekend is so damn important. i actually kind of want to go out and have some fun, just because i feel like i need to relieve some stress. but you know what, we'll see...

blah 7

you know i wish i was really creative enough to come up with a catchy title for each entry i make, but im just too lazy.

well aside from that, today i had a meeting with a few of the top people from the network and it has been confirmed, i will be the programming director. in fact, immediately after the meeting, my workload has started. its crazy. im thinking of getting a blackberry because i'm sure that i will live off email from now on, it will be an imperative part of my life.

after work i went to koreatown and had dinner with my sister. i thought about coming out to her,but i don't think neither one of us are ready to deal with it. i know im not, even though i wish i was, and i know she's not. yeah.

its crazy because i still have class to go to... and i dont know how im going to manage everything until the end of the semester. im scared. even for tom morning, i have a ton of reading to do, on top of work stuff. this is definitely going to be a stressful time in my life.

after dinner with my sister, one of my good friends picked me up from the city and drove me home. i was so grateful because i'm beyond exhausted. i woke up at 5:30 this morning to go do my laundry before i went to work. i like doing laundry in the morning sometimes. no ones ever at the laundromat, and it's a bit serene there. i guess since i did write a whole fucking paper on my laundromat, it does hold a special place in my heart. pretty corny, huh? a fucking laundromat holding a special place in my life, haha.

okay on a side note, i realize i'm already starting to bitch too much about work. i'll try and keep that to a minimum.

with what's coming in the months ahead, i think one of the things that will be most upsetting is my reading time. i usually like to read as much as possible during the week, and i realize i have no leisure time for that anymore. whenever i can be reading a book or magazine, i can be reading documents and other work related stuff. all my New Yorkers and New York magazines will have to be put aside for the next 3 months.

hmmm

so i woke up today feeling totally nauseous. ever since i was told the news yesterday, i'm constantly nauseous and always on the verge of throwing up. well, at least i feel like throwing up. i had breakfast today at my house and on my bus ride to main street, i felt like i was going to puke everywhere. at work today i felt all day that someone was going to come up to me and tell me that there was some mistake that's been made. that i was wrongly promoted, and that i should forget everything i've been told. honestly if that happened i would be relieved, and kind of happy. but of course it didn't. anyway, i was on the bus coming home today and i realized that i shouldn't be so nervous. i thought about new bus drivers, and how nervous they must be on their first days on the job. they're responsible for the lives of every person that on their bus, and that's a lot to handle. then i tried to think of other jobs that hold more responsibility, and if they fucked up, then the consequences would be more dire than getting canned. well, there's a million of them, i'm sure you can think of some yourself. work today didn't feel any different than any other day. that's because other than one person in the office, no one really knows about my promotion, or at least i don't think they do because no one's said anything to me or seems to be acting different. also, since everyone still assumes i will forever be an intern, they're still givin me the same work as always. however, **** did not talk to me all day. it's not like she went out of her way to not talk to me, but there were a few opportunities where she could have but didn't. i on the other hand said hi and bye to her because her desk is right by the door, and i have to pass her when coming in and out. so, i have a meeting tomorrow at ten, then one at eleven. and plus i have to wake up at like 5:30 in the morning to go do my laundry before i leave my house. ugh... the life.

hip hop chow

ugh. just got home from a shoot about an hour ago. fucking was there from 10:30 to 7:30. so damn tired.

we went to this new restaurant off st. marks called Hip Hop Chow. the place is sort of like a mixture of soul food, southern food, and chinese food. the food there is amazing, soo fucking good. they have these scallops and babyback ribs with hoison sauce that just falls apart in your mouth off the bone. and the owner/head chef was pretty cool. he seems young and is one of the nicest guys ever. yeah, but we were there for so fucking long, i wanted to kill myself.

and god, i can't even begin to describe all the crazy and rude people there are out there. seriously, we're fucking trying to shoot a show and some fuckers just don't want to let us. one guy came up to our cameraman with this camcorder in his hand and he got about 3 inches from our cameraman's face and started to film him. we told him to fuck off but he just wouldn't go away, no joke. someone had to like push him off to the side and tell him to go fuck himself. and even during all this, he's trying to film that guy and thinks he's all funny and shit. so he finally leaves, and when he does he runs as fast as he can for some reason and then my boss comes back and said that 1, the guy reeked of alcohol, and 2, that the camcorder he has wasn't even on and looked like it was broken. WTF. seriously, crazy ass people in this city.

i've yet to tell any friends about this blog.

lkjsadfvioqyp

i feel so awful. i just want to crawl under my desk and stay there forever. i don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. i just feel horrible. i need to get away from evrything i know. i need to get the hell out of nyc. im afraid of what'll happen if i don't. damn, sometimes i scare myself because i have no answers.

yeah yeah yeahs YEAH

new album is awesome. highly recommend it.

blah#5

nothing new to gripe about today. last night i came home exhausted after not sleeping and went to bed for about 10 hours. i love sleep.

lately i've been riding the LIRR (long island railroad) waytoo much. i'm trying to only ride the bus and subway lately, no cabs, no lirr, no nothing. i plan to see just how long i can go with only using my metrocard.

and still no plans for summer. argh, its driving me crazy. there's about 5 weeks left for school, and i really need to plan what i'm doing. yeah. still gotta call my friend in alaska and see if i can stay at his house for the summer. i mean, it's a small ass town in alaska, but i think the change would do me good perhaps. we'll see. and plus its been ten years since i've been back, and i've always dreamed of going back. i just need to make money! interning just aint cutting it for me anymore.

today was a good day at work though. some artists came to the studio and we filmed a show w/ them. they were pretty funny. our vj said that thety reeked of alcohol, which is typically korean of them because they we started shooting at 10 in the morning. anyway, they used the script i wrote, well most of it at least, so i was pretty pleased. woohoo! one more thing to ad to my resume.

stupid sun

okay it's 6:30 and i'm pretty pissed that i wasn't able to fall asleep ALL damn night. wtf man, now i'm going to be tired and cranky all day.

i'm sooo tempted to call in sick, but we have a shoot today that i helped coordinate, and i should be there. god dammit.