why do i tell people about my problems with the subconscious goal of hoping to hear the reaction i want?

my life is my own, and i've got to realize that no one else's opinion matters. anything i do will ultimately be my own decision, and i have no one else to blame or thank for those choices but myself.

it's amazing how easily one can adapt to change.

living with nothing and no $... who would've ever thought??

i love this cover.

how does a gay man date in new york city if they're not really a fan of gay bars, am completely over meeting people online, and doesn't have too many gay friends or know people who have gay friends?

i don't know how to meet people.

i just witnessed a drive by shooting right outside my window... yes, an ACTUAL drive by shooting. and the answer to your next question is YES, people did get shot. (an update, 3 people had gunshot wounds).

damn it to hell, i think it might be time to start thinking about moving again. fuck fuck fuck.

i can't sleep.

too much thinking.

need something positive to focus on in life.

i finally have a new, WORKING phone.

my camera broke this past weekend (story of my life). i stupidly always throw all my electronics in my messenger bag, and my lcd screen cracked under the millions of things i have in there. here are the last of my photos that were left in my camera. i don't even remember when these were taken, but it was at a karaoke place in ktown. my friends and i brought in our own bottles of soju, and ordered one bottle and rotated one on the table as the other empty and full bottles were secretly stashed away. i think i drank too much because the night ended up with me passed out on the street on 32nd street.

 

i need to make some single, gay friends that i could hang out with.

i can not believe that it's sunday night and i have work tomorrow.

i had the past friday off for a summer friday, and since my brother-in-law is out of town for business, i decided to stay at my sister's place for a few days and keep her company. oh man, the two of us do not make a good combination. i slept at her place on thurs, fri, and sat night, and we did absolutely nothing but eat and watch tv for 3 days straight! and by nothing, i mean absolutely nothing. i realize this is how we spent many of our weekends in our childhood, watching tv and ordering chinese food. it kind of felt good to be able to do it again, it had been a while.

one highlight of the weekend was watching the opening ceremony of the olympics at her place... yeah, it was absolutely awesome.

you know i feel like i used to be pretty attached to my blackberry before it broke. i was obsessed with being online and having the ability to check my email at all times. i'd be online at every moment, checking the news, blogs, and other mundane stuff. after my blackberry broke in aspen, i was using a very old phone that my friend gave me and after that stopped working a month ago, i think i've learn to let go of having a usable cellphone.

a friend once told me that she always puts her phone on silent and checks it sporadically. i immediately questioned her and asked why on earth would she do that? what if people are trying to reach her or she misses an important call? she responded with, "i don't know... i guess i just don't want to be attached to it." that really got me thinking and made me realize that i too do not want to feel attached to my phone. i guess my point is, it's been a month since my substitute phone broke, and i definitely can't afford to buy a new one. but i don't even care, isn't that crazy? my sister offered to buy me an iphone, and we even went to the at&t store on astor and broadway to purchase one. as we're talking with the sales girl on necessary paperwork and stuff, i had an epiphany and told my sister that i didn't want it. she asked why and i just said, "...i just don't care.." i know that i eventually will get a new phone, but i guess it's not a priority in my life. and when i do, i sure as hell am sure that it won't be anything fancy, probably just something i can make calls and receive texts with.

i'm hoping that coming home and watching tv while i surf the web will fill my technological needs for awhile.

i accompanied my coworker shanette to 'wichcraft earlier today as she got ice cream after lunch, and as we were walking up 6th avenue on 42nd back to the office, i happened to notice lynn yaeger across the street. living in new york city, you see random celebs and people all the time and i've seen lynn countless times, sometimes on the subway or just walking around downtown.

anyhoo, i pointed her out to shanette and we watched as she stood there, waiting for the crosswalk to turn green so she can cross. just as i did, we watched as she PUT HER FINGER IN HER MOUTH TO PICK SOME FOOD OFF THE SIDE OF HER TEETH, AND THEN SHE PROCEEDED TO EAT WHAT WAS ON HER FINGER.

puahahah oh man that gave us a good laugh. question is, i wonder what she had for lunch?

why do i torture myself and watch the food network when i'm starving?

spending the first night in a new apartment is always a weird feeling. i keep glancing out my window and it's odd how all my surroundings seem so unfamiliar. i know that in a week or two, this place will feel like home but tonight is my first night and i feel like a stranger in someone else's house. DUMBO is a great neighborhood though. after two months of thinking and worrying about my next apartment and where i'm going to live, it feels so good to finally settle in and know that i won't have to think about moving for awhile (at least i hope not). i walked around the area today and there's so many great little shops and other things to do. the view of the east river is absolutely breathtaking at times and the river cafe and the brooklyn ice cream factory is a short walk away. i'm hoping to take advantage of the great view by going for a run tomorrow. the cobblestone streets might be a killer on my feet, but we'll see how it goes. after that, i've definitely got to go and find an air conditioner for my room. once i get that, i'll be all set.

whenever there's a birthday in the office, we always get crumbs cupcakes. you would think that for an epicurean magazine, we'd get a little bit more creative every now and then with the celebratory food... but we normally don't. however, the other day we did go to 'wichcraft for ice cream sandwiches in bryant park since it's only a block away. they were made out of fresh strawberry ice cream with either an oatmeal or chocolate shell and honestly, they were not that good.

anyhoo, all this got me thinking and i told some of my closer coworkers that for my next birthday, i'd like a big mac with a candle in it becaus i love me a fucking big mac. so do away with all your fancy sweets, and give me a number one with a candle instead, and that'll be the best birthday ever.

i've been trying to write a happy and pleasant entry for the past hour, but i swear to you, my mind is drawing an absolute blank. i'm not depressed or feeling down or anything, just tired and indifferent.

anyone else want to share some good news with me?

has anyone ever told you something about someone that just completely floored you? something that is so painful and devastating to hear, that you don't even know what to say or how to feel? you try and let the information process, but the pain and sadness gets mixed in with the regret and anger, and you sit there with the phone to your ear, trying to imagine the dark time in that person's life and the hell they must've gone through.

...i'm sorry you went through that.

i've decided that i want my life to be completely different than how it is. i feel pretty unhappy about a lot of things, and it's time for some major, major changes. what that means is i'm going to be fucking up and making lots of mistakes but i don't care because those are my mistakes to make and i know whatever lesson i learned from it would have been worth it.

one change is, i'm moving out of queens. yes, it is time for me to move onto another borough. i found this tiny shithole of a room in an apartment in DUMBO and starting on august, i will officially be a resident of brooklyn. i know i'm probably getting stiffed on the rent, but honestly i'm too exhausted to keep looking for fucking apartments. finding a place to live in nyc is hell sometimes, especially if you're broke as fuck.

i just had my one week vacation and have to go back into the office in like 7 hours. i'm having heart palpitations thinking about all the unread emails that are sitting in my inbox and all the voicemails waiting to be listened to.

this month has been sort of stressful, and because of work, my living situation, financial issues, partying, and pure laziness (yes, i know i was a lazy fuck), i've gained 12 pounds. i know that it is completely my fault, but am not worried because i plan to kick myself back into gear and start working out and eating healthy again.

i realized that my life is what i make it, and i have to figure out my own route to happiness and stability. i think that the next few years are going to very challenging, but i'm excited to see all the shit that will happen and the things i'll learn. i hope that in the future when i'm reading back on this entry, i'll chuckle at how my life used to be and realize all the changes i've been through.

thank you for today.

no regret is a korean movie i first blogged about in april 2007. the movie is about two gay men: one grew up in an orphanage and ends up working as a prostitute in seoul, and the other is a closeted guy who comes from a rich family that doesn't accept his sexuality. the rich guy ends up visiting the bar where the other guy works, and that begins their complex and challenging relationship.

this past weekend, i was making my weekly rounds of the small independent movie theaters downtown and was excited to see "NO REGRET coming july 25" on cinema village's marquee. i definitely reccomend this movie to everyone, especially if you're gay and asian. this movie is very well made, and i guarantee that its candor and openness about the subject matter of homosexuality in korea will make you see it in a completely different way. i remember after watching this movie, i didn't feel that being gay and korean was such an abnormal thing. there are others out there, just like me, and we all have our own stories.

if this movie seems at all interesting, please go watch it. it starts next friday on july 25 at the cinema village, which is on 12th between university and fifth. i'm always about supporting the smaller independent theaters downtown. without them, the only film choices new york city would have would be "batman" and "wall-e." fuck those dumb ass big budget hollywood movies, like those studios or those damn stadium seating megaplex movie theaters need anymore goddamn money.

vindication.

fuck you asshole.

it's funny, my friend who's apt i'm crashing at for a month has the same rice-cooker that i bought for my parents 5 years ago when we all lived in flushing.

i haven't lived in a house with a rice-cooker since i left home, and for some reason, every time i open the rice-cooker here at my friend's apt, the familiar motion, sound and look of the cooker makes me feel like i'm in flushing again. i look around me for a split second, thinking that juju's going to run up to me to beg for food, but then i realize i'm just having a moment.

that makes me kinda sad.

did i tell you that my phone died in my hands last week?

it's been almost 7 days w/o a cell phone, and it's oddly liberating. we'll see how long this lasts.

what is it about sundays that make me feel like absolute shit?

you know when i turned 25 this past february, i made a mental list in my head of the things i had to accomplish this year. i have to admit that almost 5 months have gone by, and i haven't kept my word on a single thing i promised myself i would do.

well, today i found a way to check one of those things off my list, and i think will keep me busy until september 29.

turning 26 is less than a year away and i am determined to accomplish these goddamn goals.

i wish i could forgive you.

i don't know...

happy 4th of july everyone.

i just finished watching the macy's fireworks display on nbc. kind of lame.

anyway, i watched The Wackness earlier today with my friend jess. you know i don't watch movies too often, and it's even harder for me to find a movie i enjoy, but i definitely recommend this move to everyone. it's about an 18 year old kid who's graduating from high school in 1994 and all the events that happen to him that summer. the movie is very well written and pretty funny, and ben kingsley is such an amazing actor and yet again gives an awesome performance. he'll always be itzhak stern from schindler's list to me, that's my favorite movie of all time. if you live in nyc, go watch it! it's playing at the angelika.

after the movie, my friend and i walked to ippudo and ate some ramen. here are some pics.

i've designated july "me" month. i'm going to try and focus on bettering myself in every way instead of focusing on negative things. i want to start reading more, shining at work, and working out again.

some other updates on my life, i moved out of my crackhouse this past weekend and am staying at a friend's place for a few weeks. my friend grace turned out to be my guardian angel by letting me stay here, i'm not sure what i would've done if it wasn't for her. i've got to find a new place in a few weeks, but i guess i'll have to worry about that when the time comes. here are some things i will not miss about my old apartment:

-roaches
-my dirty ass roommate
-finding cockroaches chilling on the tip of my toothbrush
-a broken doorknob and it taking me 5 minutes to get outside my apartment
-dead roaches in my closet
-the toilet leaking all over the floor
-people who lived above me that stomped around every night around 1:30 am
-people opening my mail and putting it back into my mailbox
-waking up to a swollen and itchy body because of bedbugs
-having to throw my bed away because of bedbugs
-dead roaches in my dishes
-beads in the kitchen doorway
-getting gauged on rent
-dead roaches in my clothes
-crazy ass neighbors who lived without closing their door or having a DAMN DOORKNOB
-roaches

oh, life...

aside from my messy living situation, work right now is insane and i don't know when or if things are going to slow down. i am barely hanging on until the weekend. once thursday end of day comes, i will be the happiest man alive.

anyway, here's some pictures from last friday. i went to carmines in the UES to eat some amazing, family-style italian food. i hadn't been to that carmine's location in seven years, i couldn't believe how fast time flies. i guess that's just the way things go.

my life is a junk show.

i've been in such a weird funk since i returned from aspen on sunday night. i called in sick at work today because i couldn't get out of bed. i need to get the hell out of it already and motivate.

it's crazy how there's so much shit going on in my life right now, it's just madness. i wish i could write about it here, but i feel like these are things that'll be easier to reflect on later down the line because right now, it's nothing but stress for me.

blahhhhhhhhhh.

i went to aspen for 5 days because that's where the magazine i work for throws the number one culinary event of the COUNTRY every year over father's day weekend. being there made me feel so proud to see months of hard work come to life. everyone just enjoyed themselves over the weekend, and even though i was there for work, it felt like an awesome 5-day vacation instead. being there was not work to me, i had the time of my fucking life and couldn't believe how lucky i was to be a part of such an amazing event. it was pretty cool to see that this whole event was put on by a team of no more than 15 people, and i was one of those people.

i did way too much stuff there to even begin listing all my favorite things, so i'll just leave you with these pictures. all i can say is: aspen is an absolutely breathtaking city, i saw melanie griffith walking down the main street of town smoking a cig, got kicked in the back thigh by ming tsai, finally was able to see the big dipper again in what felt like years, had a broken phone on my 2nd day there and i am still without a one even now (it's lonely without a cell phone at my apt, i have no one to talk to at all), got sunburnt and was able to take a bath. hell fucking yeah.

ps- on a random ass side note, how crazy is it that i saw my halal lady on the subway platform today late in the evening in koreatown and we said hi to eachother? haha nyc is really such a small city.

you know i used to dislike the thought of having to go to weddings.

i know many people will disagree with me, but as a gay man, weddings don't really do much for me. i don't go with any hopes of getting ideas for my future wedding, or having a wedding of my own to compare it to. it was just another social event that i had to go to and sit through. then i realized how much of a selfish asshole i was being, and came to see that weddings are a beautiful and joyous occasion where i should feel incredibly lucky to witness the union of a marriage, and what will hopefully be the beginning of a long and happy lifelong partnership.

the wedding i went to this past weekend was for a friend named Cora, who i've been friends with since junior high school. my best friends judy and jess were in the bridal party, so it was nice to to be with friends and also see people i haven't talked to in years. my other friend grace went as my date, and we drove out to the outdoor wedding in long island with my other friend susy. the ceremony was at noon and outdoors in the 95 degree heat and i have to admit that even though i could barely open my eyes because of the glaring sun, once we moved inside, the reception was great and we all had a fun time.

ps- don't you like my tie?

it is so fucking hot... i need to use someone for their ac...

i came home after work and did a 4 hour marathon of the korean drama, "On Air," and was able to finish the show today. the drama was very good, i definitely recommend it to everyone. the only thing is that i didn't shed a tear once during the whole drama, which makes me sad because i feel like i need a good cry. watching it did make me miss korea though, i'd love to live there for a year or two later down the line. i guess we'll see if that happens.

work has been a bit crazy the past few weeks. i'm going to aspen next week for the number one food event of the nation that is run by the magazine i work at. among my many responsibilities throughout the 5 days, i'm throwing a party on wednesday that i'm hoping will have a good turnout. i'm definitely looking forward to getting the fuck out of nyc for a while, it's going to be nice being surrounded by nature. i also found out that i'm going to "the oscars of the food world," aka the james beard foundation awards, this sunday at lincoln center. i'm looking forward to the free food, drinks and drunken schmoozing. maybe i'll meet a nice chef, who knows? i just don't have any nice clothes to wear though, sucks.

with an outdoor, daytime wedding this saturday in what's supposed to be a 90 degree and humid day, and the award show on sunday, i won't have much downtime this weekend. then it's two long days at work on tues and wed, and then i leave for aspen 6 am on wednesday.

i guess losing sleep is worth it sometimes and being busy isn't the worst problem to have.

i need some stability in my life.

i need to get out of this god damn funk.

sometimes i stay late at work so i can expense dinner on my corporate card.

it's past 4 AM, and i'm still up because i just spent the past few hours glued to my laptop. this is why i try not to get into korean dramas, they're fucking addictive as crack and if the drama's good, it's always REALLY good.

i probably haven't watched a korean drama in literally years. i think the last drama i watched was "My Name is Kim Sam Soon" in 2005. i just started watching this newer one called "On Air," and it's about actors, writers, producers, and directors in korea's entertainment industry. oh mannn, it is soooo fucking good. i swear, the people who wrote this shit are geniuses. the plot is so twisted and amazing but believable at the same time and i feel like i'm really learning some inside stuff on what goes on there.

i started watching this a bit late so i was able to get the first 5 DVDs and watch them back-to-back. now i'm sad that i'm going to have to wait a week before i see a new episode because that's how often they air in korea and how they become available throughout the world.

sigh.

one and a 1/2 more days until the weekend... i can make it...

...destined for great things.

it is so beautiful out.

i went to the gym today and i've come to the conclusion that i cannot workout without music blasting in my ears. therefore, i went ahead and ordered a new ipod online.

damn you apple with your amazingly sexy products that i can't live without, damn you...

i'm having a bad week with my electronics.

i lost my ipod on saturday while out with friends. i was at a karaoke in ktown and took my ipod out to look for korean songs to sing. i guess in my drunken stupor, i left it on the table and didn't realize it until the next morning. of course when i call the karaoke place to check if they found it, they said there's nothing. ahhh i'm such a god damn idiot sometimes. i totally can't afford a new one right now, fuck fuck fuckk. i guess $250 for a new 80 gig one is worth it because i'll use it everyday and it'll be less than a dollar for a year, but i'm fucking broke!

i know i have to buy one because i'm sure as many of you new yorkers know, living in nyc without music to listen to is torture. riding the subway this morning, i feel like i was using my sense of hearing for the first time and this was the music to my morning commute: coughing, sneezing, loud music playing in other people's cheap earphones, more coughing, people talking way too loud, and more coughing. i can't read or do anything without background music on, my a-d-d kicks in and i get so distracted by all the people and noise around me.

then earlier today, some friends and i went to this GQ Magazine party at the Stoli Hotel on the west side. out of all my friends, i am usually always the one who brings a camera because i enjoy taking pictures and sending them to my friends. i'm very anal and a control freak when it comes to pictures, so this is perfect for me. so at the party, my friend is trying to take a picture of me and our other friend, and he says it's too dark and can't see anything on the camera screen so he doesn't know where to point before he shoots. i admonish him for being an idiot, and later find out that my screen is broken! argh, fuck fuckk fuckk. i guess i did get a good 3 years out of this digi cam, but still man- a lost ipod and broken camera in one week? that just sucks.

anyway, here's some pics we did manage to take from tonight's party.









the last is my friend wearing my glasses. hm, i think i look better in them.