Sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night from such vivid and emotional dreams where I don't know what to do with myself. I just lie there in bed, not sure about anything.

"Ain't my fault that I'm out here getting loose.
Gotta blame it on the Goose.
Gotta blame it on my juice, baby."

From the song Juice by Lizzo.

I’d like to smell this tray of truffles from dinner at Atomix all day, everyday. 

I want to take you with me... let’s go together.

Dear Memes,
you make life seem,
so agleam,
like a dream,
bringing smiles and laughter to the extreme,
because so much of each day is a fight upstream,
where struggles demean,
but your joy tastes as delicious as ice cream.

Whenever I interact with someone else who has adult braces like myself, I'll usually try to make small talk with them. I'll casually just ask a simple question about how they like having them or how much longer until they're done with it.

I went to Herald Square today to run an errand and buy something. And while I was being rung up, I noticed that the nice young lady behind the counter had braces so I sparked a conversation about them. She was super friendly, and I also saw that she was working the register with her left hand while pressing into her right jaw with a few fingers on her other hand. She then began to tell me about how she has to go in for an emergency check-up with her orthodontist because some of her brackets broke and the wiring on her braces were messed up. When I asked about what happened, she told me just had just gotten punched in the face the other day. I stood there a bit stunned and immediately asked, "You got punched?! How? Why?" "I was just walking down the street and this girl punched me. I live in the Bronx," she replied. She didn't seem angry or upset, but was more telling me in a matter-of-fact way. I couldn't believe this random act of violence that happened to her, and felt terrible about it. "I'm in pain though, and that's why I'm pressing into my jaw like this right now," she added. I again expressed my sympathy and she smiled and said she'll totally be fine. Even though this had happened to her, she was still at work with a great attitude, and providing professional customer service. I appreciated it so much that for the first time ever, I went to the website listed on the receipt to take one of those special surveys about my shopping experience.

To the girl that helped me today, I wish you all the best.

Validation.

Preparation.

The local news on television reporting on the weather is seriously always so dramatic.

“If you are reading this, and you’re a writer, and you, like me, are gripped with despair, when you think you might stop: Speak to your dead. Write for your dead. Tell them a story. What are you doing with this life? Let them hold you accountable. Let them make you bolder or more modest or louder or more loving, whatever it is, but ask them in, listen, and then write.”

From the book How to Write an Autobiographical Novel by Alexander Chee. Page 270.

Is this what people do?

Oh, this is what people do.

"To truly know someone is to be fully aware of their inner lives, the people whose lives made their lives possible, and the context through which they have survived. There's much we don't know about each other."

From the book No Ashes in the Fire by Darnell L. Moore. E-book version page 35.

"If you believe in yourself enough,
and know what you want,
you're gonna make it happen."

From the song Make It Happen by Mariah Carey.

The past few weeks or so.

"엄마, 아빠, 사랑해!"

Said by Sandra Oh in her Golden Globes acceptance speech for the 2019 best Actress in a Drama TV Series award.

Hearing this expressed by a winner at a major American award show is something I've fantasized about my entire life... wow, what a moment.

Congratulations to Sandra Oh on your win. Keep doing your thing and making us proud.

"Dancing,
and prancing.
Grooving,
keep on moving.
Flying,
stop your crying.
Choosing,
while you're cruising.

Music is the answer,
to your problems.
Keep on moving,
then you can solve them."

From the song Music is the Answer by Danny Tenaglia ft Celeda.

Connecting with nature in NYC means going into a pet store and making eye contact with lizards, birds, and guppies.

Time heals all pasta binges.

Sometimes, a stranger on the bus or subway can seem so normal until you learn that they’re the type of asshole who puts their shopping bags on the seat next to them as they avoid eye contact with the world by staring down into their phone. These people are the worst.

It's so weird how University Place right below 14th Street changed the direction of its traffic all of a sudden. The street used to be a one-way block that went from south to north, but now it goes in the opposite way. I was crossing it just now and got so confused.

The only thing I'm truly nosey about is what restaurant you ate at.

U.G.L.Y. = Unbothered Gay Living, Yes!

A way.
Away.
Awake.

Too much free time to look back in life hurts my neck.

I'm only staring straight forward from now on.

I have these odd days where my shoelaces inexplicably come undone constantly.

Happy New Year!

I stayed in last night and drank at home, and was pretty much out cold in bed by 11pm. I think it's the second year in a row where I've done that.

2019 is the year of the pig, which is the animal of my birth year of 1983. Not only does the year of the pig come around once every 12 years, but 2019's is apparently extra special and prosperous because it's the year of the golden pig, which only happens once every 60 years.

I'm looking forward to using the luck from that in addition to some hard work to accomplish some great things.

"Nobody knows enough to be pessimistic."

Said by Daniel Goleman in the podcast Oprah's Super Soul Conversation. Episode Emotional Intelligence 101.

Spontaneity... give it to me.

"I opened up to you and you judged me. You are an asshole."

Said by Tiffany Maxwell in the movie Silver Linings Playbook.

Did anyone show up?

"My skin, very Mexican, very Oaxaqueñan and very human. From the color of my land and diversity of its colors. Lights, cameras, red carpets, magazine covers. It is for hope, it is to shed light on where you are from, it is to inspire."

Said by Yalitza Aparicio Martínez in her Vogue México video interview.

Everything is a challenge. But some are not worth your time.

"The gurgle of whiskey pouring into the glass was music to my ears. Like an old friend opening his heart to me."

From the book Killing Commendatore by Haruki Murakami. Page 445.

Secret Santa with friends last night in Brooklyn.

Plan it.
Planet.

Good morning!

Rein in your expectations.
Rain on your expectations.

Eat before sleeping.

The January 2019 cover of Vogue México featuring Yalitza Aparicio Martínez is everything.

"Things ended as they so often do in this era, with an unanswered text."

From the December 14, 2018, New York Times Modern Love column titled: Your Dog Has Seen Me Naked. By Ryan Pfeffer.

I just want to go watch Danny Tenaglia spin and dance for six hours straight.

As an alumni of The New School, I utilize the free lifetime access to their buildings a lot. It's pretty much the only place I have to get work done in the city. Coffee shops and libraries are too crowded and leave me worried about stepping away for a second to use the bathroom. And my place in Harlem is so small that I can't even fit my desk in my room, allowing no solitude for my thoughts. It makes concentrating at home really difficult. Seeing that I'm still paying off my student loans, I will happily come to The New School campus as much as possible stay here for hours with my computer.

It's a rainy and dreary Sunday here in New York today. I decided to forgo my usual favorite spot in the university's main building for a place on an upper floor instead. It's amazing how different life seems from a much higher view. It's like another world opens up. All the movement and people on the street level seems so much smaller. Floors upon floors of nearby buildings reveal entirely new habitats with each peek through an apartment window. Each living quarter has so much personality and character. Meals are had, lights in different rooms flicker on and off, and day-to-day life is lived. It's all so fascinating to observe, and provides a much needed reminder about perspective. There's just so much more out there than what I know and see in my own daily existence.

"I set the water to boil, warmed the asparagus-and-bacon sauce in a pan, and threw together a quick salad of lettuce, tomato, onion, and green peppers. When the water boiled, I tossed in the pasta and diced some parsley while it cooked."

From the book Killing Commendatore by Haruki Murakami. Page 351.

"'Why don't you stay for lunch?' I asked the the two of them. 'I can whip up a pasta and salad in no time.'"

From the book Killing Commendatore by Haruki Murakami. Page 351.

"Somehow, I had to believe, I would gain not only knowledge but wisdom, too."

From the book When Breath Becomes Air by Paul Kalanithi. Page 50.

Sometimes, it feels nice to sit on a New York City park bench on a winter night.

Everyone else around is too cold to do anything else other than briskly walk by, so I appreciate the space and alone time.

"Am I ever embarrassed about anything that I do? No."

Said by Cardi B in her December 9, 2018 interview with CBS Sunday Morning.

I can't tell if you just love complaining about this, or truly don't want a solution?

Why are there so many movies and tv shows about writers, you ask?

Well, because writers write them.

"If you think you're in my head,
you've been seriously misled."

From the song Misled by Celine Dion.

"Somebody pinch me. Your love’s too good to be true."

From the song Sweet Dreams by Beyoncé

It came to me while Philip Glass was playing in the background.

"It's the hardest thing that I've ever done.
To love somebody and still run."

From the song Still Run by Wet.

"I'm a singer and a songwriter. And a bartender. And a babysitter. On weekends I host four course dinner parties for $65 a plate. And I make soap to sell online. And candles. And tea baths. And hair conditioner. And shampoo. Basically I'm broke. And I need a vacation. But I'm on the move. And I'm not stopping until somebody writes me a check for some of my music."

From the December 8, 2018 post of the Humans of NY Instagram account.

Erotic 가위.

A void.
Avoid.

You can't write with a drink in your hand.

"Turn my sorrow into treasured gold."

From the song Rolling In The Deep by Adele.

"Take it all with you.
Don't look back at this crumbling fool."

From the song Take It All by Adele.

"He might have wanted to decisively separate himself from the self he used to be."

From the book Killing Commendatore by Haruki Murakami. Page 282.

Everyday love.
Love everyday.

This is the only thing I know.

Dude, I’m like so over you.

The past few weeks or so.

No one is one dimensional. Perceptions are.

You'll miss this.

Teenage couples who are deeply in love will take up an entire subway row of seats without thinking twice.

Because it makes me feel good.

There come times in life where it's undeniable that a critical turning point has arrived.

And deep in my heart, I know that I am currently at one of these pivotal moments right now.

It all started a few weeks ago, and since then, it's been one unforeseen significant thing happening after another. At first, it just seemed like a row of bad luck with a shitty thing here, an unlucky thing there. But then I stepped back from it all to give it a closer thought. Why? Why was all this happening now at once? And then it began to make sense. The realization didn't come straight away, but it took the 4th bad incident within weeks for it to truly hit me. And what it's all come to mean is that something is happening in the form of change. And that I am changing. It's not my world around me or the elements of my life that are changing, but it's me. I am. And wow, I see it now. I truly see it. I'm not the same person as I was from just a month ago, and that's not just hyperbole. This awareness has only made me feel lighter and happier. I feel free in a way, and ready for what's next. In fact, I'm god damn excited about life. I don't care if what happens is good or bad, but I am fucking excited about it all. At this point of my life of 35, I'm so humbled to know better. To take what I've been given and seek meaning and purpose from it. A lifetime of watching Oprah and being open to receive those lessons others have so clearly explained from their own personal hindsight has all been for this moment right now. All of my previous down periods in life filled with struggle, confusion, and anger has been for this moment right now. Because thanks to all that, I understand that everything happening is here to help me and make me stronger. To help clean the slate of an older version of me, and turn the page to that next fresh chapter. Because there's no other way to accept it. There simply isn't. Not embracing it this way would be to fight it, and to fight life means to lose in life. I'm not going to fight it. I'm going to love it even harder and squeeze it until it turns blue. Yes, there will be tears, because there already have been within the past few weeks. But that's okay. I've earned those tears. They're mine and I'll show them to the world or whoever else I please. Because I'll proudly taste the salt from those tears to remind me that there is no flavor in life without that salt. It's a necessity to being. And I can use it now to fight any other aspects of my life and its struggles. It will sting and even hurt me, but I'll be okay. When I went over to my parents' place for Thanksgiving last month, it had been the first time in years that it was just my immediate family and me celebrating. We usually do a bigger thing with all my relatives, but this year, it was just my parents, sisters, and brother-in-law. I've always appreciated more intimate settings, and I can't express how much fun we all had together. Starting at 3pm until the late night, the only thing on our agenda was to eat, laugh, drink, and talk, with all of us eventually zonking out and crashing at my parents' place. I woke up the next morning so happy, because I realized I already have everything I need. I have my family, and am so grateful we all have our health. And then there's my chosen family of a close-knit group of friends who truly get me and support me. And no revolving factors of my life can change this foundation of mine. This feels like one of the hardest times I've been through in recent times, but I totally get it now. And it's from all of these unexpected setbacks that's forced me to see the other crucial changes I must make in my life. Habits. People. Vices. Ultimately, carrying out these will be even more difficult than the surprise ones from the last few weeks. Because these necessary changes that are now so obvious are in my control. It's up to me to make them. They won't be done for me. But I'm okay with that. Even with puberty, I've always been a late bloomer in life. But oh man, this lesson has finally hit me and I'm here. And I've never been happier and felt more solid as a person. I'm awake. I'm recharged. I'm prepared.

You know that scene in I Know What You Did Last Summer, when Jennifer Love Hewitt's character is fed up and screams out to the sky, "What are you waiting for!?" for the second time as she does that cute little spin? Yeah, that's how I'm feeling right now. But in a more optimistic, cheery way.

Cough.
Couch.