Tae Yoon: Life from 2006-2021

sometimes i feel like i'm 18 and living my life for the first time.

i've had so many first-time life experiences within the past year, especially the past 4 months, and with each passing day i'm learning so much more about myself.

i finally am no longer living with my parents, and feel this indescribable weight has been lifted off my shoulders. i feel like i can finally be myself and live my life how i want. no more hiding my life behind my room door. no more talking in a monotone voice because that's how i naturally speak if i'm not 100% comfortable. no more soul-sucking commute. no more having to pretend that i am someone that i'm not.

i've been living in the Upper East Side since november and it's great and all, but everything's so temporary and i've been living out of trash bags filled with clothes- i haven't really unpacked anything else. i dont cook here or have any of my stuff out. i basically watch tv, sleep, shower, and that's pretty much it. i was originally staying here with the intentions of moving out with a close friend in january, but those plans fell completely through so i had to find other living arrangements. i looked on craigslist and found a bedroom in a 2-bedroom apartment in astoria, queens. my future roommate seems normal and nice, and i'm hoping that we don't have any problems living together. i guess we'll just have to see. there's no living-room in the place and the only common areas are the bathroom and kitchen, which is fine with me, i usually like being alone when i'm home and can be found in my room anyway. it's going to be exciting to feel like i finally have a home again, somewhere i can just go and relax. i can't wait to have a place to call my own... plus, i don't have a lease which is good because if any living arrangements with friends come my way, i'll be able to take them into careful consideration.

another of many lifetime-firsts in the past few months is dating. i've been seeing people here and there and have been having a great time. for the first time i've been able to meet others that i hit it off with, and have met some really nice guys. i think it's taken me 24 years to date because i probably wasn't truly ready before. now, i feel confident about myself and my life, and maybe it shows in my walk or how i carry myself, but i guess others seem to notice. it probably also has to due with the fact that i've lost a substantial amount of weight, and haven't ever felt this attractive in my adult life. it's so exciting to go out and talk to people. whereas in before, i would go out and spend hours somewhere and not speak to anyone new. or if i was introduced to new people, i'd always be jaded and do the whole "be cold to everyone and you won't get hurt" thing.

this is the first year where i feel like i've truly gotten to know and love my sister as a sibling, woman and just as a normal person. i feel that coming out to here was a huge step in this because before i did, i always thought that i never really liked my sister. and i absolutely know in my heart that i felt like that because i didn't ever want to get close to her and let her know that i was gay. but with nothing to hide now, i feel i'm being a true brother to her for the first time in our lives. now we talk all the time and i tell her absolutely EVERYTHING that's going on in my life, haha but i'm not sure if that's a bad or good thing in her opinion. i feel this amazing bond with her that i feel only siblings can feel- we just completely get each other. imagining my life without her or thinking about having the type of relationship that we used to have just makes me so sad, and i know that'll never happen. i'm truly so happy and proud of the woman she's become, and can't wait to see what the rest of our lives have in store for us.

this is also one of the first years in my life where i finally didn't just find a job, but i found a career. working at my current job is just an absolute dream, and i feel truly blessed. i know that i'll be here for a while, and it's such an awesome place to learn and start what will hopefully be a long career.

there are so many other things that has happened, but i'll leave that for later entries.

i hope everyone has a safe and enjoyable new year's.