osaka, japan.

me and the "self-timer" option on my friend's camera became bff's during this trip.

have you ever looked at a recent photo of yourself and thought, "damn, i look old?"

you know when your plane just lands and everyone on board is antsy as hell and in a rush to get their bags from the overhead compartments to exit the aircraft? well, that was not the case for me.

when the plane landed on the runway at kansai airport in japan and was pulling into the gate, i watched everyone begin to unfasten their seat-belts and wait for the overhead signal to indicate they were free to get up from their seats. as soon as that light went off, everyone dashed for their belongings and rushed into the airport. i just sat there and stared out the window, wondering where the hell i would go and where i would sleep that night. i purchased my ticket with less than twenty-four notice and was completely unprepared for my trip. i didn't know anyone in osaka, wasn't able to book any lodging, don't know how to speak japanese, am on an extremely limited budget, and wasn't able to purchase any travel guides because every bookstore in seoul seemed to be sold-out. i was really excited, yet slightly nervous while stepping off the plane.

i walked out of customs and ended up wandering inside the airport for a while, trying to figure out what the fuck to do. for a good fifteen minutes, i think i was in complete culture shock and didn't grasp i was actually in japan. with all honesty, i felt nothing and was numb to my surroundings. i repeatedly went up and down different escalators and roamed wings of the airport, dazing at people's faces and attempting to listen to what they were saying. i watched people's lips move and heard sound come out of their mouths as they conversed, and i realized i didn't know what the fuck anyone was saying. grasping my current situation of no destination in unfamiliar surroundings, i think i panicked for a total of two minutes before i got my shit together and cleared my head.

i went to the information desk and inquired about the buses and subways from the airport. the lady asked where i wanted to go and i replied, "osaka." she sort of had a bad attitude and seemed frustrated when she responded, "where in osaka?" i looked at the map and realized how big it was. i guess it's similar to landing in jfk and telling the people at the information desk that you want to go to nyc haha. osaka is really large, and i was not sure where to even start. i noticed on the map that there was an "osaka station" that's accessible by train from the airport, and randomly decided that would be where i was heading.

the trip from the airport was over one hour, and i arrived smack dab in the middle of rush hour. people in japan walk really fast, and it reminded me of being back home in nyc---it was a nice feeling. i left the station and meandered around the neighborhood for a while. i didn't see any indications of hostels or accommodations for lodging nearby, but thankfully did manage to find a tourist center. the lady behind the counter was extremely helpful and was able to help me find an inexpensive hotel at the last minute. she told me i was extremely lucky since i arrived on a tuesday and not anywhere near the weekend.

suffice it to say, the rest is history...

i've been here for two nights now and leave tomorrow afternoon. i've been having a blast just walking around by myself and people-watching. it also happens that i'm about a fifteen minutes walk away from the gay district of osaka, and i explored the area on my first night. there are over a hundred bars here, and some are more than thirty years old. thankfully, i was able to borrow a friend's camera and have been taking loads of pictures since i arrived. i can't wait to upload them when i arrive back in seoul.

i am going to Osaka, Japan this week from tuesday (28th) to friday (30th).

anyone want to grab a beer there?

sometimes, you just have to swallow your pride and do what needs to get done...

that's not to say that i don't fucking absolutely hate it.

the bar i work at is in a triangular shape in the third floor of a building, and the largest wall is comprised of window from the halfway point and up. the view is of a busier intersection in the low-key neighborhood, which is again one of the two largest gay sections in seoul, and i can always see drunk dudes outside showing pda, trying to hail a cab, knocked-out cold on the floor, vomiting, or stumbling like they're about to pass out from alcohol poisoning. anyway, gaping out windows in general is a favorite personal past-time of mine and i do admit there are instances when i mindlessly daydream and lose a sense of where i am for a moment.

sometimes my boss notices me aimlessly gazing into nothing outside the window, and he always asks what i'm so deep in thought about. 99% of the time, i'm usually thinking about how i wish i had more job options in seoul and didn't have to work for chump change and feel like a low-budget escort---but i always respond to him with a sigh and comforting, "oh, nothing."

on a side note, i'm going on a date tomorrow with another guy who asked for my number the other night. he came in with a friend and gave me and my coworker these cupcakes that were so beautiful that i didn't want to ruin them by eating it. then he eventually ended up asking me out. from the brief conversations we did have, he's 24, is studying tourism, and has worked in the kitchen of a bakery for the past six years. i doubt it'll go past the first date (because i have commitment issues and am a serial dater) but i guess we'll see.

just because my blog is desperately void of images, here are some taken from my shitty camera phone.

the buses and subways in seoul don't run from midnight-5am, so sometimes i'm forced to drink until the wee hours of the morning since i can't be riding taxis home all the time. my boss took me and my coworker out for some good old soju last night after we closed the bar. the neighborhood where i work has this one street that's lined with street-food-vendors and you basically can sit there, eat some good korean food and drink lots of soju while having good conversation (this especially is my favorite way to drink). while there's countless other busy streets in seoul lined with these sort of places to eat and drink, what's different about this particular street of establishments is that all the customers at these street-food-vendors are gay. it's fun to people watch at these places and all the older women who run these stands are gay-friendly so the environment is comfortable. i've also been told that if you go alone, some of the ladies will even introduce you to other customers and try to play matchmaker.

anyway, this is me drunk and wasted on the bus going home this morning at 6am.

i started a part-time job this past weekend at a bar in seoul.

the pay is pathetic and absolutely sucks (yes, it's really that bad and i am not exaggerating), but i figure at the moment, it's better than nothing. there is no tipping in korea, so imagine working around drunk people in a nine hour shift on something that's less than minimum wage and having to deal with the monster that is the service industry in korea.

the intriguing thing about the whole situation is that it's a low-key gay bar in one of the largest gay neighborhoods in seoul. i NEVER would have imagined that i would be doing this sort of work, but life is funny like that. thanks to my experience of working in nyc restaurants and bars, i find the job pretty easy and interesting to say the least. one of my favorite parts is seeing so many different types of gay koreans. they come in all walks of life and i love people-watching them in the background of their natural habitat. i feel like i'm tuning into a really long episode of a program on animal planet sometimes.

most of the customers are pleasant and cordial, but of course there's always some fucking idiots who makes me want to shake them violently. i would say the hardest thing for me is the language barrier, and sometimes i don't know what the hell customers are talking about. they'll order a black russian in a korean accent, and i have to repeat their order a few times with a confused look on my face until i'm sure i have it right. this awkward back-and-forth dialogue does get cumbersome, but i try and tell myself that i'm not doing anything that's changing the world and that i need to not give a fuck.

this might seem like a generalization, but wouldn't you agree that many gay men strive to be more cultured and worldly than the average joe schmo standing next to them on the street? with that being said, it's nice that some of the gay koreans who come into the bar speak a little english and i'm grateful at those moments when i don't have to speak in broken korean. there's also quite a number of foreigners who come in, and interacting with them is nice as well. i've already talked with people from ohio, alabama, california, japan, etc. diversity is awesome.

as for many of the gay koreans who come in, i usually always have the same exact conversation with each one of them. the following is a transcript:

customer: your accent sounds like you've lived outside of korea for a while.
me: oh yes, i'm actually from america.
customer: oh wow. how old were you when you immigrated?
me: i was actually born in nyc.
customer: what are you doing here?
me: i moved to seoul a few months ago and am looking for work. i'm just doing this part time until i find something.
customer: why did you move here??
me: i just needed a change. i was bored in nyc.
customer: bored in nyc? *shocked laughter* how is that possible?
me: i was born there. lived there. went to college there and was working there afterwards. i just wanted to do something different.
customer: your korean is pretty good for a korean-american!
me: thank you. *humbly laughs*
customer: did you have a boyfriend in nyc?
me: i was single.
customer: why not? you've never had a boyfriend?
me: nope. i had one once for a short time.
customer: what's your 'style' aka type?
me: i don't really have a type.
customer: of course you do, we all have a type.
me: okay i guess i'm not into immature people and prefer more low-key guys.
customer: do you have a boyfriend in seoul?
me: nope.
customer: have you met any special people since you came?
me: mmm, not really. *laughs nervously*
customer: are those tattoos in korean?? what do they say?? *grabs my arms to study them*
me: oh. they're poems. this one is my mom's favorite poem, and the one on my other arm is my favorite poem by the same poet. this one is an illustration from my favorite book that changed my life when i was a kid, and this one i got with my cousin when i was eighteen.
customer: and you really don't have a boyfriend?
me: nope. *awkwardly laughs*

i have slightly modified versions of this very conversation a countless number of times throughout my shift. i'm thinking of getting a t-shirt printed that lists all my answers so i won't have to explain it a million times a night. of course i'm also very friendly when i engage with customers, but what we talk about has become so predictable (including my answers) and i need to think of ways from zoning out mid-conversation.

i will admit that one of the biggest ego-boosters of the job is getting hit on by customers, which surprisingly happens a lot more than i would have ever anticipated. i'm always extremely humbled by the compliments and don't know how to react to them, but it does get awkward when they ask for my phone number... however, i usually give it to them because i haven't yet mastered how to politely decline these dudes in korean---i'm working on it, though.

anyway, until i find a full-time job that will provide me with a visa, i guess i'll be pouring drinks and cleaning ashtrays on the weekends.

life is awesome. (no, it really is).

life...

confront it.

always continue to grow.

my failures do not define me.

my insecurities do not define me.

stop thinking about the past or the future, and think about today. rewinding and fast-forwarding life is a negative distraction and does nothing to help with the present.

opportunities will come.

be patient with people.

have a good attitude.

true love is out there somewhere.

learn to let go.

...i surrender.

must. keep. pushing. forward.

if i don't either smash something made of glass or have a good sob session, i think i might lose it.

it rains a lot in korea. like, fucking a lot. and if it's not raining it's humid as hell. and if it's not humid as hell it's cloudy and on the verge of raining. someone please tell me where i can buy a t-shirt that says "i survived the summer weather of seoul in 2010 and all i got was this lousy t-shirt." i hope i'm i'm still able to stay in korea through the winter to see the first snow fall of the season, that's all i ask for. i need to sleep, i feel delirious. i realized that i have way too much free time that is spent alone. i have nothing but my own thoughts and anxieties to obsessively mull over---it's an ugly, vicious cycle. however, i can momentarily pause the cycle by keeping busy. i've met some really amazing people in seoul in the short time i've been here. some are people i can't imagine not knowing here, and it just solidifies my belief in fate. you know how the plots of some korean dramas are absolutely nuts and just so far out there? the crazier thing is after being in korea, your life can slightly start to resemble a korean drama as well. if only i had the energy to discuss all my seoul dating stories, it would sound like a a korean soap opera that's destined to conjure scoffs and eye-rolling in disbelief by viewers. there are just so many random story-lines and characters in unexpected settings, it's all pretty hilarious. i started smoking cigarettes here on a regular basis. a pack costs about $2.25 and lasts me a few days. culturally, smoking cigarettes as a male is widely accepted because i believe it makes you look more like a man, and smoking cigarettes is just what korean men do (according to korea). you can also basically smoke anywhere in this country and there's even ashtrays next to urinals. i always get the strong urge to drink and get obliterated every night. i just want to drink soju and have good conversation while getting wasted. i guess i switched substances/vices from the ones i had in nyc, but my underlying issue of addiction is still going well and strong. i moved into a windowless room last week. i sometimes like not having a window because i can go to bed at 7am and not feel crazy. there's no sunrise or noise of people starting to wake up to the world and start their days. there's no sound of cars honking or rain pouring down, but just complete darkness and silence---i can appreciate it sometimes. i like to go on the rooftop of the building to smoke cigarettes. i live off a huge road in a part of seoul that has the country's number one art school, so the neighborhood is always bustling. i usually stand on the rooftop and stare at the cars and people passing by. recent polls done by the voices in my head have resulted in the following stats---after midnight, from the seoul-ites who are out walking on the street: 50% have consumed at least one alcoholic drink, 30% are shit-face wasted, 15% are on their way to drink more, and 5% of people are on their way home from work. i like being on the rooftop when t's raining and there appears to be hundreds of cars waiting for the stoplight, and all their windshield-wipers seem to be moving simultaneously. left-right, left-right. they all suspiciously look to be moving in in unison. maybe just like the moon effects the tides in the ocean, the rain does the same for windshield wipers? actually i have no idea since the wipers wouldn't even be on if it wasn't for the rain. sometimes i go to 24-hour cafes late at night when i'm feeling lonely and need to be around people. it's most interesting on friday and saturday nights around 3-4am because the cafes are filled with inebriated kids waiting for the subways to start back up at 5am in order to go home. most of them drunkenly pass out on the sofas or with their heads on the tables, but there's always one person in each group who stays up to watch over them and wake everyone up as soon as it turns 5am. i always i want to give kudos to that member of the group and congratulate them for being a reliable pal. then i wonder if they all drew straws at the start of their night to designate who would be the time-keeper/subway lookout for the night, or if they all take turns within the group and switch every time they go out. or maybe it's just that person's paranoid personality and they choose to be the one that stays awake since no one else ever does. on the night i departed nyc for seoul, my best friend/roommate gave me a framed group photo with all my other friends/roommates. the photo was taken at our housewarming party last year, and we're standing in our kitchen while one of my roommates is holding madden (our fifth, canine-friend roommate). sometimes i stare at the photo and realize how much i miss them. when i'm alone and in my windowless room trying to figure out what the fuck i'm doing with my life here in seoul, i study the photo and wish i was back at the apartment. then i think about how much i miss my sister and wish i could call her and hear her voice. but we have to take chances in life, right? if people didn't take leaps of faith or walk blindly into a situation, society would be very boring. but what if these risks and leaps of faith don't turn out the way you planned, and instead you feel royally fucked? at least i took a chance. well, that's what i like to tell myself to make me feel better. truth is, i've never known what i've been doing with my life. no matter what my job is, or what i'm doing in life, i still always question everything and never feel fulfilled. i am a perpetually miserable person. i've accepted it but am still learning how to use the trait into something useful in life. i'm trying to write more, and i guess being a miserable person makes it a lot easier to get some of my thoughts on paper. i can't imagine writing about sunshine and rainbows, it's just not me. but if it was me, i'm pretty sure i'd wonder how people wrote about morbid and depressing stuff. i know we all are to some extent, but god, i feel so fucked in the head sometimes. i don't feel normal. but the world will always have people like me around, as well as all the happy people who consider themselves normal. i mean someone needs to fill the quotas of all the different types of personalities that exist, right? i have irrational anxieties. when i'm near anyone fishing, i always make sure to not be anywhere behind them when they're tossing out their line into the water. i always fear that one of my ears of nostrils will get caught in their hooks. i hate riding in cars because i think we're going to get into an accident. for most occasions, unless it's raining or i'm feel tired or miserable, i always rather take public transportation than step inside a car. being inside a subway or city bus feels makes me feel safe. i guess the upside to that is i'm doing my part to save on fuel and lessen my carbon footprint. i'm craving good vietnamese food from flushing and halal from the cart on 6th avenue and 43rd street. i don't know what i'm rambling about. i need sleep. it's 6:23am and i have no idea what time the sun rises anymore. having no window does have its ups.

you know how sometimes in movies, someone is sleeping and then they hear a voice whisper their name into their ear and it immediately wakes them up?

yeah, totally happened to me today. i was sleeping and i heard a man's voice whisper my full name in korean. it scared the shit out of me.

i moved into a room in hongdae with no windows and just enough free space for me to take two small steps... but who needs natural light or room to stretch when i have my own toilet.

i've been wandering for too long.

one of the great things about korea is that korean food is so cheap and delicious here (duh).

in nyc, i rarely went to korean restaurants to grill meat because the prices seemed so outrageous in comparison to just doing it at home. but in korea, grilling meat is really inexpensive and sometimes cheaper than going to mcdonald's and getting a #1. i think you also save money by not grilling meat at home because you'd also have to prepare all the vegetables, sauces and side dishes that are a standard part of the meal. also, drinking a bottle or two of soju at these establishments doesn't add too much damage to the bill either, so a good time can always be had.

i try not to go out and eat grilled meat too frequently here, but if i had a choice and didn't give a shit about my body, i would eat it everyday.

here our a few photos that my friend, and also a fellow BLOGGER, took when we out for dinner and beers a few nights ago.

addict.

alone.

i always root for the underdog.

you can always tell a person's true character by the way they treat and interact with service industry people.

i'd really like to explore seoul's underworld.

i want to go to all the secret and shady places at night and see all the crazy things that happen here because i'm sure there's a lot going on.

how do you tell someone halfway across the world that you miss them? and that you want to be with them? and that you want to come back to nyc and be together? and that they're not like anyone you've ever met before, and you want to put up a fight for them in order to show just how serious you are? and that you want to let go of all your insecurities and issues and finally be who you are without worrying about them not liking it or judging you?

but what if you've already tried something with this person before, and you wish it worked out so badly but in the end it didn't happen that way? do i risk scaring them off, or take a chance? or maybe be realistic and realiize you're now on another continent and what you want isn't plausible at the moment?

i don't know if i'm holding onto some fantasy relationship that does not/will not exist, or if there's actually something there that could grow into a great experience for both of us...

i hope that it will happen one day.

i think happiness is a facade.

sometimes i can't help but think that it really is a small world.

on a daily basis whenever i turn on the tv, go online, read a magazine or listen to music, it always amuses me when i realize that i've met, worked with, interacted with or been in the same room as the actor, artist, musician or whatever the hell they are. this doesn't in any way make me feel cool or special, but just makes me appreciate the fact that all us humans are a lot more connected to each other than we think.

and while it's easier to feel this way with a celebrity or highly visible person, it also can work with just about anyone.

i was waiting for the subway a few weeks ago here in seoul at a stop that i had never in my life been to before, and i saw this guy who attended the same university as i did in nyc, waiting on the same platform as well. i did a double take and was 100% sure it was him. i used to see him around campus and we were never friends and i don't even know his name, but the fact that we were on the other side of the planet and waiting for the same subway at the exact same time, well, shit like that really boggles my mind. and just before when i was on the bus to go home, i saw a guy who was also on the same bus as me this morning. sure, i know that we both live on the same bus line and it might not seem like such a coincidence, but if at one point during his or my day, we had spent five extra minutes or 2 minutes less doing something, the whole chain of events of our day could've been changed, resulting in us riding the bus that came before or after the one we were on. but it didn't happen like that, and we were two complete strangers who both ended up on the same bus again in the same day at the exact same time. i don't think he noticed me because there was no reason for him to glance in my direction, but i noticed him.

events like this just solidify my belief in fate.

i am running out of options here in korea.

was i foolish in thinking that with hard work, things would somehow work out for me here? was i irrational to think that i could move to seoul and establish some sort of life for myself? was i stupid to think that knowing i'm a damn good worker with lots of experience who busts my ass at any job would be enough to help me land some sort of employment?

i am in no way expecting things to be fucking easy and have everything handed to me, but there comes a point where i have to accept defeat and that enough is enough. my 90 day tourist visa is going to expire in a few weeks, and i thought by now i would've had some sort of job in korea.

i've come to accept that finding any job that's somewhat related to any sort of career is not going to happen at the moment. unemployment is already rampant in korea and since natives who speak proficient english are having difficulty finding jobs as well, i have to be realistic. i figured i'll just teach english or something like the countless other foreigners that are doing so in korea, but even that isn't panning out for a few reasons.

1) many schools and establishments i've applied to respond noting they want "caucasian" teachers only---discrimination against foreign born koreans and korean-americans is obviously rampant.
2) most foreign born koreans are eligible for a specific visa that allows them to live freely here in korea. having that visa basically opens the door to doing whatever they want, and they can work anywhere without worrying about getting any sort of visa sponsorship. due to certain reasons, i am one of the few korean-americans that are not eligible for this visa without serving in korea's mandatory 2-year military service---and that is definitely not fucking happening. for many teaching establishments who will hire foreign born koreans, everything is less complicated for them to employ people who already have that visa, thus i believe it pushes applicants like me to the back of the line.
3) a visa for foreigners who are working as instructors and teachers in korea does exist, but it needs to be acquired before you arrive on korean soil. meaning, since i am already here in korea, i have to go back on american soil to get the actual visa. this is problematic because i have not worked since i arrived, and my funds have all but dwindled. i'm finding out that no company wants to pay the expenses for someone to fly to american soil and come back to teach for them, and since i can't afford it at the moment, it just complicates my teaching employment even further.
4) on top of all issues listed above, i've been told that since i have no "teaching experience," companies are reluctant to hire me. even though i know i am absolutely 100% able to teach and do a good job at it, i accept it when i'm told this. however, i have met foreigners and korean-americans in korea who are working here as teachers and i have to say that a lot of them seem fresh out of college with no professional work experience whatsoever. sure, they might have teaching experience or whatever and i know this is generalizing, but when i see these people with teaching jobs, it just makes me wonder how they were able to find work and i question what is it about me and my resume that's such a turn off to companies? someone obviously decided to take a chance on them, and that's all i'm asking for as well.

i'm not taking anything personally, but after months of the same old bullshit, my optimism is waning. i'm still determined to make it for myself somehow, but determination alone doesn't give me a paycheck or a visa.

i'm writing about this today because a phone call with a job recruiter sent me over the edge. since i started applying for teaching employment, all the places i've sent my resume and cover letter to have had the following outcome: 1) no response 2) been told no because of my race, or 3) have been contacted by a job recruiter working directly with the companies stating they're the ones who set up the posting and they will be the point of contact to complete the application.

i've corresponded with a few job recruiters at some point, but nothing has resulted from it. i've been talking to this one job recruiter in particular for almost a month now because he said he could land me a job. i find work and he gets paid by the company for finding an employee, it's a win-win situation.

however, after weeks of trying to work with him, this certain recruiter has shown me no evidence that he's actually doing anything to help me. this guy is obviously a hack who doesn't know how to be professional and if i owned a company, i would never hire anyone like him. i've come to this conclusion by the emails, phone calls and all the other correspondence we've had. when we talk on the phone, all he does is feed me bullshit which is fine---sure, i see through it but he is the stepping stone in me finding a job and he claims to be doing all he can to help me so i just keep everything professional and do whatever he says i should do. i had a conversation with him earlier today because he hasn't kept his word on returning my phone calls or emails like he said he would. i was the one who called him and when we spoke, his tone and message was basically saying that he's working his ass off for me and that no one wants to hire me (many for the reasons above) and that he's had to work extra hard just to get companies to look over my resume.

what he said really pissed me off for a number of reasons. honestly, if he had shown me some credible responsibility in his work thus far and seemed to know what he's doing, i would believe him and be grateful. however, i am no fucking idiot. he was basically trying to make me feel humbled by all his efforts and just kept talking out of his ass about how he's doing this or doing that and his tone just really pissed me off. in his previous promises, he assured me that companies would send me to american soil on their dime to obtain the teaching visa, but now he wants me to lie to companies during phone interviews about my visa status so they'll unknowingly hire someone that needs to be sponsored? he sets up phone interviews and has me wait patiently by the phone for these calls that never even come and doesn't seem to do shit about it when i told him they never called. he doesn't respond to my phone calls or correspondences (which usually is me reaching out to him to ask why he hasn't contacted me at the times he stated he would) in a timely matter that indicates he gives a shit about assisting in my job search.

having to listen to this person talk to me today in the manner that he did and just accept it and try to prove to him further that i should be hired by these companies for whatever reason is just humiliating. having to pander to him really irks me and what pisses me off the most was that the phone call ended with him saying, "oh hey, i'm getting a really important business call---i'll call you right back in ten minutes!" i still have yet to hear back from him.

this entry sounds like a complete bitch-fest, but it's just more frustration in feeling like i have no control over what my choices in korea are. i also feel like in idiot for thinking that i could trust this recruiter with all his promises and now i'm back to square one with less time to figure out what the fuck i'm going to do about my visa.

whatever happens will happen and i'm adamant on making things work out somehow. i just need to let my current frustration subside and figure things out again. i have no choice but to succeed.

i've been doing a lot more outdoor activities since i arrived in seoul.

today i went hiking up a mountain with my cousin and his friend. my cousin (in the grey), has been working in korea for the past four years but is moving back to nyc for good in a few days. he's helped me tremendously while i've been in seoul and i'll miss him a lot when he leaves.

as for today's hike, it was definitely intense. i was honestly expecting a flat gravel path that slowly ascended to the peak of the mountain, but it was the complete opposite of that. the hike was extremely strenuous, going steeply up the mountain that left me thinking at certain times that i wasn't going to make it. much of the path didn't even seem like a path at most points, it just felt like we were just climbing rock after rock, hoping we were going the correct way. right before the peak, it's all large vertical rocks and you have to use your body strength with this rope to keep you from falling to your death. the adrenaline rush from that was awesome and kept me going the whole time. it took us over four hours to go up and come back down and am feeling completely beat at the moment---i'm pretty sure i'm going to be sore tomorrow.

i still don't have a camera so i took these pics today with my old cell phone, please excuse the shitty quality.

there comes a point in our lives where we must reevaluate the things that have not been working thus far.

when it comes to dating, i've always thought that i wanted x and x in a person, but whenever i got it, i realized it wasn't what i thought it would be. i thought those were things that would make me happy, but in reality even though a person might have had those qualities, they lacked other things that i never even considered. therefore, i've come to the conclusion that an "ideal" person or type does not exist for me and i've given up on looking for them. i'm going to try something new and even if i meet someone that i don't feel an instant attraction or connection with and would usually just sign off on, i'm still going to instead give it a sincere try if they're a good person and someone i could at least get to know more. i figure it's worth a shot.

on a side note, i really need to compile a list of descriptions for all the people i've dated--- the list just gets more and more interesting. dating is fun.

trust no one and you won't get hurt.

to be honest, smiling takes way too much effort and has always felt so unnatural to me. i especially hate smiling in photos and REALLY hate it even more when people try and force me to do so.

this is one of my senior year photos from high school, circa 2001. i remember the photographer really trying to get me to smile, and as you can see it came out awkward and forced---i look like a fucking idiot. but man, time sure does fly.

i would love to smoke a bowl right about now and get lost in a pile of magazines for hours.

happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy gunshot.

today, i take a moment in my day to remember anne frank.

r.i.p. anne.