whatever happened to humility?

so i told my bosses today that this will be my last week of work, and they were totally cool with it. plus, it's a little slow since the summer issue just went to press so me leaving won't really have any sort of impact. while i'm sad to leave the magazine, i'm ready to move onto the next phase of my life.

since i start my working career at the end of this month without breaks until the foreseeable future, i kind of want to take advantage of my week off next week. i'm not really sure of what i could do, seeing that i'm pretty broke. also, i've also decided to take up a second job and starting the first week of june, i'll be working retail on saturdays and sundays in soho so not having and days off for a while really wants to make me cherish my time off. i've been working on and off at this store for years, and all the workers and my bosses are so nice and while i do dislike helping asshole customers, every now and then i meet some nice people. and i'm very comfortable working there and selling their products so hopefully it won't be so bad.

i'm sure that i will be on blogger, complaining about how much i hate working 7 days a week and how i'm tired and my life sucks, but i guess it's only until october/november so i can manage to suffer for 5-6 months, especially for my family.

again, i ALWAYS think this but as an american born, college educated human being, if i can't succeed here, then i am a complete failure. i think about all the struggles that millions of immigrants have gone through and go through on a daily basis in this country, and if they can do it, i can too. hopefully i'll be able to think of my parents and what they went through for inspiration in any times of weakness i have.

i don't know, i guess for the past 2 months i feel like i've been doing nothing, and now i feel slightly motivated to just go full speed ahead. and i always say that being busy is not a bad problem to have.

also, i'm hoping that me working on the weekends will instill some responsibility and i'll go out less, thus spending less money. for about 5 months last year, i completely stopped drinking because i felt my life was getting a bit out of control, and in the back of my mind i would like go try it again, but this time without telling my friends and everyone else in my life. i'd like to take the more humble road, and just do this for myself.

i'm also hoping that with me being a lot more busy, i'll finally be able to find love in some shape or form. whether it's for myself, or for someone else that i meet, or even for both, i would welcome anything at this point in my life.

change is 'a coming--i hope.

damn it i can't sleep.

after a long two month search, i finally got a job today! i had my second interview this morning and was informed at the end of it that i was hired and that i'll be starting in two weeks, on the tuesday after labor day.

wow, it feels to finally have a paying job!

even though it doesn't have much to do with what i actually want to do, i'm still elated to finally be employed.

after my interview, i went to the Angelika alone and saw "The Namesake." i love watching movies alone during the weekdays in the afternoons, the theatres are always so empty. i read the book late last year, and i have to say while the movie was visually stunning due to all the beautiful people, clothing, and other details of Indian culture, the book was much better. the book takes place in boston, but the movie takes place in nyc and that made a huge difference in my mind, and not for the better. the character of Ashima seems more central in the movie, but the book is more about her son Gogol. well, the movie was still enjoyable and i loved the actress who plaed Ashima. she was so beautiful and graceful. i've always felt that Desi woman are some of the most beautiful in the world. suffice it to say, i definitely recommend the movie.

next week is my last week before i start work. i'm thinking of asking my bosses at the magazine if i can make this week my last. i'd like a full week of doing absolutely nothing to ready myself.

i wish i could grow a beard.

it's funny how a single day can change the rest of your life...for the better.

i came out to my sister today. we had dinner at one of my fav japanese restaurants, yakiniku on 9th between 2nd and 3rd, and for the first time in 24 years, i feel that we truly were getting to know eachother. we learned so much about eachother today, it felt great. i'm lucky to have her and her fiance in my life. i was afraid that me being gay could somehow affect their relationship, but she went home and told him and he was fine with it.

pheww, that's a big load off my chest.

i came home after dinner, and it feels so good to stay in on a friday night.

i'm so good at fucking things up with people. that's what i do best, burn bridges...

i want to live alone on a deserted island. i have no social skills left, and am reminded on a daily basis by the world of how much of a freak i am. i hate myself.

1. drinks @ Gama on St. Marks
2. Dinner at Sushi Park on 2nd Avenue with drinks
3. Urge
4. Lit
5. Back to Urge
6. The Cock
7. Back to Urge
8. Back to the Cock (barfed in the bathroom)
9. Cab to Jackson Heights
10. Had a drink at the Music Box on 74th Street
11. Cab ride home

i can finally sleeeep. gnight!

ended up going to camel on fri night, and my friends and i killed 3 bottles of johnny black. due to my lack of sleep the night before, let's just say i got pretty wasted. ate in ktown after and then finally came home at 530. yeah, i'm not doing that again for awhile...

also, i finally cut my hair today after almost 5 months. wowww, i look so much cleaner.

damn it, it's 6 am and the sun is already up. damn you sun... damn you!

i just had dinner at Ed's Lobster Bar in noho (http://lobsterbarnyc.com). it's on lafayette between spring and broome, and i must say that i was very impressed with the food. if you like lobster, you will love this restaurant.

ps- i never knew there was a Rick Astley greatest hits album. thank you itunes...

*never going to give you up, never going to say goodbye*

sometimes i don't even know what i want in life anymore. i feel so lost. i have no direction and can't seem to figure anything out. it's scary. i feel like i don't know myself, i don't know the person i've become and i don't know who i want to be. i have no idea of what the future holds, and it scares me shitless.

why am i on this earth?

i still haven't figured it out. damn i am so depressed. this is all the shit i can think about. when i'm at work, on the subway, having dinner w/ a friend, it doesn't matter. all these questions just cloud my mind and it's hard to focus or care about anything else.

and this too, shall pass.

something is very very wrong.

you can't count on anyone but yourself.

i love me a good korean power ballad...

sorry that was random. anyhoo, i'm writing some short blurbs for the magazine i'm interning at, and my boss totally edits all my work to the point where i feel it's no longer mine. i dunno, i guess that's the world of publishing and the media but i can't but help feel sad sometimes. a sentence or angle i feel strongly about would be dismissed in a minute, and there's nothing i can do or say about. but hey, at least i'm getting published!

on another note, WHY THE FUCK WONT ANYONE HIRE ME?! i have tons of god damn professional experience and am fucking tired of interning, i'm so ready to work again. seriously, it's starting to get to me. i'm a normal, 24 y/o male (okay maybe that's subjective) but i know i'm a damn hard worker. fuck man. fuck fuck fuck. i can go crazy thinking about this so i will stop now.

had indian food again for dinner today. note to NYers who love indian food, baluchi's on 2nd ave and 6th is always 50% off. i go there all the time, the food is great! i definitely recommend the place.

after dinner i had 2 spoonfuls of this. my friend ate the rest.

i woke up at 1 today and stayed home all day. i'm exhausted from getting shitfaced the past four straight nights. i feel so bloated and gassy from all my drunken debauchery, need to get back on track and mellow out for the next week or so. it's also kind of funny because i've been waking up completely naked the past four days as well. i have this habit of kicking off all my clothes while sleeping if i'm drunk. i always freak out and wake up thinking, "shit, where are my clothes??" but then i realize they're tossed about my room.

i hate coming home drunk. i just always feel lonely...

anyway, went to this burton party today in soho. steve aoki was spinning, and he was friggin awesome. since i left my digi cam charger in my hotel in thailand, i haven't used my camera in a while. i had to settle on taking pics with my blackberry.

i didn't get that job... yeah, kind of bummed but what are you going to do?

i just finished reading 'the road' by cormac mccarthy' today at the laundromat. mmm, his writing takes a while to get used to, but i would def say the book was very suspenseful and scary at times. i didn't really get the ending though... maybe i'm just an idiot but i was left somewhat confused.

now i'm going to move onto my next book, and guess who got their hands on a copy of the new murakami??! yes, i didddd.

i was able to get a press review copy about a week ago. the book comes out in may, so i'm so excited to be able to get a sneak peak.

i had an interview this morning at the most randomest company, and by random i mean a place where i never ever ever in my life saw myself working at. i think it went well though, and am hoping for the best i guess. don't want to jinx it, we'll see how it goes.

nothing else new going on. went out on sat night to a few bars and got wasted. ended up at stereo's sat night gay party. man, people in there were sure fucked up on drugs. it's been a while since i've been around that environment, kind of makes me want to go party again.

damn it... i am so fucking lonely.

i'm so damn emotional these days.

new Murakami coming out in May... exciting.

someone come and knock me over the head with a big metal pot. i'm acting like such a fool.

not to self: you are not 18 anymore. drinking until you barf in the streets is not cool anymore, you are too old for this shit. coming home with barf all over your shoes and jeans is no longer funny nor appropriate. get it together.

i have an interview on fri morning and i am anxious. this is the first time in my 24 years of life that i will be having this sort of interview (trust me i've had MANY interviews throughout my life) and i am fucking scared shitless!

yes, this is for a corporate job. ahhhh.

i was just thinking about it, but i have never been this nervous for anything. usually i never have problems picking out what to wear, what i'm going to say, what i'm looking for, but this is different. i have no fucking clothes to wear for this. it's sad but i've never owned a suit, nor do i honesly ever wish to wear them. usually my interview style is more jeans, blazer, and paul smith shoes but something has me thinking that that would be pretty stupid of me.

countless interviews to be a tutor, teacher's aid, 5 magazine interns, chocolate seller, retail clothes seller, flyer hander-outer, cafe waiter, bubble tea maker, summer camp counselor, television production intern, head of a tv channel, dish washer, valet parker, korea town bar waiter, college student, office supplies mega chainstore associate, or data entry employee have never had me stressed out like i am now.

and now I'm pissed because have to buy some button down shirt, just to wear for friday. also think i need a jacket, pants, and tie. i honestly don't even understand the position i'm trying for, it's nothing editorial at all or something i've ever heard of.

will keep you updated if anything interesting happens. i'll use ugly betty as my inspiration.

i feel like i've been in such a funk the past few days. there seems to be a large disconnect between me and the world... or maybe it's just all in my head.

i can feel myself slipping into all my old patterns and bad habits, the way i was before i left for asia. i don't want that to happen. i will not let that happen.

today i went to sing sing again to visit. it's always so sad, saying goodbye at the end. we all leave and go on with our lives, but he still sits there and then goes back to his cell. i always leave there feeling so gutted.

anyway, changes in my life are coming soon. have no idea of how and what, but some must be made. for starters, i have to stop going into chatrooms and start reading the piles of books and back issues of the new yorker on my desk.

life is grand.

i can feel the darkness looming...

damn i feel so anxious. one minute i'm sitting and on the internet, and the next minute my heart is just pounding so fast and i can't sit still and i feel i can't breathe.

frustration nation.

where does the time go?

why why why why why cant i stop thinking about someone? someone who i know will never change, but still makes me feel so hopeful and happy?

i cant stop thinking about it, and it's driving me nuts.

ok i will change topic.

i love my editorial internship. it feels so good to be using my brain again, i'm starting to feel a little bit human. even though i don't really have that many responsibilities, i feel like i'm learning a lot everyday.

yesterday, i got to hang out with one of my best friends for the whole day. haha i know that sentence sounds extremely childish, and that the sentence should be finished by me saying, "i'm diSh manY ye-uh ohw..." (holding up 24 fingers). but it's just that since he's extremely busy with school, i don't get to see him as much as i would like. so yesterday was a blast. made me feel actually happy to be home as we talked for hours while we walked around union quare and every neighborhood south of it. just mindlessly walking sometimes, yeah.... good times.

i saw this picture above on men's style.com, and it kind of made me nostalgic.

first, i want to make it clear that i love korean air stewardesses. out of all the airlines i rode within asia and even in the states, i can honestly say they're the nicest, most accomodating, professional airline workers i've ever seen. and also the hottest, i have yet to see an ugly kal (korean air lines) stewardess. they're all beautiful or really cute, and none of them look surgically enhanced, thank goodness. also their uniforms are really nice and from the hairpins to their shoes, you know everything was meticulously designed. and i think they have a height requirement, probably along with some weight limits and whatnot because they're all tall and thin.

so while in korea, i went to incheon international airport many many many times. aside from the time i left korea for nyc, i always rode the airport bus to incheon. in total i made 7 rides on the bus, and usually the trip is over an hour long so all i did was stare out the window while listening to music. sometimes i would see KAL and other airline stewardesses riding the bus as well, and i always just stared at their beuty and class. they always seemed so done up, and i dunno i guess in a weird way, i put them on some sort of pedestal.

but all that changed one eventful day.

it was on a trip where i was going to the airport, not coming from it, and i remember leaning my head against the window while i stared at all the passing cars and scenary zooming in the background. on that day, there was this shitty white car that i kept seeing. the car would pass us, then we would pass them, and the cycle went on and on. i remember seeing the car and thinking, what a piece of junk. it was an old hyundai, and there was garbage all over the back seat and shit thrown everywhere. there were also these old dolls and other stuff in the back tossed about, and the car seemed to be speeding and in a rush, zooming in and out of traffic, but the bus somehow always caught up to it. so i see this car, and don't really pay it any mind. it's just another car on the highway.

and then i see who's driving. this scene is something i remember vividly in my head. it was a girl with a large bow looking pin in her tightly pulled back hair, with her body awkwardly leaning forward while her hands were tightly holding the steering wheel at ten and two. then i see her clothes and realize she's a KAL stewardess, and like a movie, my eyes pan out to get a full view of the shitty white hyundai, and then i look again inside her car and see all the mess that's thrown about.

well kids, that was the day i realized that they're just normal girls who run late, and have dirty cars, like every other person on this planet.

on my flight back to nyc, i couldn't look at them the same way. of course they were all nice and beautiful as always, but i don't know... the magic was gone.

i keep forgetting to buy razors, so i haven't shaved in more than a week. the sad thing is, my facial hair still grows like a jhs student in puberty so it looks more pathetic than anything else.

the first two lines from mary j. blige's song, "be happy" from her hit '94 album titled "my life," sums up so much in so little...

this is my 3rd entry within 30 minutes. i thought i'd just write about some stuff.

yeah, i need a job...

but i did get an editorial internship at this pretty cool nyc magazine. thing is, it's such a big change from my last job, seeing that i used to have 6 interns of my own and now i'm back to being one. don't get me wrong, i am extremely humble and am very gratefull to even be able to have that position at this magazine, but it's still a huge jump for me.

however, i'm really excited about the gig and know i have so much great stuff to learn from them and would be a complete fool to turn this down.

it's going to be nice to have some sort of purpose in life again, i am so ready to work hard.

aside from all that, life is boring. tonight my sister and her fiance took me to this really great brazilian restaurant on 26th and park ave south called porcao. damn, the food there was absolutely amazing, and the service is truly some of the best i've ever had in nyc. i haven't eaten so much meat in a long ass time, and it was damn good.

ps- arcade fire's "neon bible" is sheer genious.

i want orange fanta.

finally got a new blackberry. whoo, it sure feels good to put dirty payphones and loose change behind me. since i left for asia last dec, i've been using payphones due to my lack of having a cell phone. don't get me wrong, not having a cell has tons of advantages. i had more freedom and wasn't tied down by anything or anyone. but, when i did need to use a phone, it was a pain in the ass. so yes, i finally got a new blackberry and i'm excited to be back in the techonological world.

also, since thailand, my BMs have been pretty bad but today i took a rock solid poop.

now all i have to do is find a job and my life will be perfect!

amy winehouse's voice is fucking amazing... you know i've seen her picture few times online on blogs and such, but i never could've imagined her with a voice like this. the music makes me feel like i'm in a 1950's black and white movie. i'm also very stoned.

Japan

Phuket, Thailand.