i'm so tired but i just can't fall asleep.

i also only slept two hours last night. i feel drunk off exhaustion when i get to this point and trying to focus is often difficult.

one day i know i'm going to end up doing something really stupid and crazy due to the fact that my mind is racing, i'm alone, it's the middle of night, i'm frustrated and in dire need of something to ease my lonely thoughts. i wish i could just tell my brain to chill out and take a break, but it doesn't want to listen. it just thinks and thinks and thinks and thinks some more.

reading helps until the point where i'm ready to put the book down and get some shut eye, but then i turn the lights off and just end up tossing and turning in bed, unable to ease into that unconscious state of happiness. sleeping pills is a definite no-no for me---been there, done that and my body is immune to them. i never know if working out in the day actually helps because it doesn't really seem to affect me when i'm trying to fall asleep later that night. watching tv is nice but i usually stay up longer when i do so. i try some creative writing sometimes but i can't ever express my thoughts on paper correctly and know when to close microsoft word and give it a rest.

hmm, i do think that some great conversation would help though.

do people even believe in sincerity anymore?

i really need a new look. i've had the same style for way too long and i'm so bored of everything.

it's never too late... right??

one of my favorite things about korean culture is the abundance of saunas everywhere. most are open twenty-four hours and for as little as five dollars, you can soak in a stone jacuzzi, sweat out some toxins in a dry/wet sauna, plunge yourself in ice cold water, watch television, get a message, eat, or even sleep in the communal napping area for as long as you please. men and women each have their own separate sections so the environment is pretty relaxed, and i've seen dads come with their young sons so it's family friendly as well. i prefer to go alone because i like to go and calm my mind a little. plus, i try to stay much longer but i'm usually in-and-out after thirty minutes since i usually sweat profusely and my tolerance for heat isn't as high as other people.

i just got back from the sauna and i feel so much better and relaxed about everything---i think i might take a nap.

i've got to stop self-medicating with food. i normally never talk about my food issues here because mine are fucking major and it's such a never-ending personal struggle for me, but i'm at a point in my life where i've come to understand it and learned how i can grow (not sideways) from it. while i've learned to control a large part of it, i've still got food issues and those tendencies surface if i'm stressed, lonely, or just not feeling great. food distracts me and always brought me great comfort in life. like any addict who deals with their issues in any unhealthy way, food can become a dangerous drug for me. i'll think and obsess about eating something and will not stop until i get my fix. that means whether i have to cancel plans with someone or ask for two sets of everything to make it seem like there's more than one person who will be eating the food order i'm picking up or go completely out of my way to acquire what it is that my brain thinks it needs in order to cope and feel better, i make it my number one priority and get it done. when i actually have the food and am eating it, that joyful and satisfied feeling i thought i'd get from it usually never comes, and i feel even more shittier than i did before because now i'm full and succumbed to my lack of self-control over food. isn't it bizarre that to some people like me, fast food joints, restaurants that deliver or any food establishment for that matter can become sort of like a drug dealer?? it's the absolute truth. i guess one of the good things now is that i know when i'm getting all crazy about it and ask myself, "am i physically hungry and is my body actually even in need of food, or is my brain just consumed with eating this certain thing because of a completely different purpose that is in NO WAY even related to food and what's actually going on in my life?" it's usually the latter. for right now, i'm going to go and try to focus my energy on another issue of mine. hopefully doing some cleaning will take my mind off a few things.

sometimes i have very long conversations with people in korean and don't have a clue as to what the hell we're discussing. i just nod my head and try not to look like a complete idiot most of the time.

i'm a firm believer in fate.

burberry prosum spring 2011.

i NEED this coat. yes, and i do mean NEED as in it's absolutely vital for my proper health and sanity to have this.

sometimes when i'm in the subways or walking down the street, people in seoul stare at me like i'm some bearded lady circus freak...

i'm not sure if it's because of my clothes, size, ink, face or whatever, but i don't take it personally. however, some people tend to stare a moment too long for my comfort and it does aggravate me at certain points and is borderline rude in my opinion.

but whatevs. thank you new york city for making me the person i am today. i'd rather stick out from the crowd than blend in any day. also thank you new york for the big stick up my ass that has been surgically implanted for life.

depression is a scary thing.

it's like you're walking along the railroad tracks, minding your own business and holding some rare wild flowers you've picked that miraculously sprouted from under the lifeless train tracks. then out of nowhere it comes and hits you like a freight train, and you're unable to get back up on your own two feet or function. i wish there a train horn or vibration from the tracks or any clear warning that it was coming but i think even if there was, there's still no way to stop the inevitable.

the good thing about any of this is for me it comes in waves, and those waves usually do end at some point.

i'm feeling much better and even managed to go for a run today.

moving or being in a new city isn't making me depressed in any way, but there are definitely things that can trigger it.

since i arrived two weeks ago, today feels like the first day in korea where it isn't oppressively humid outside.

there isn't a cloud in the sky and the absolutely perfect and beautiful weather leaves the options of activities to partake in limitless.. but why do i just want to sit here alone with the lights off and stare out the window?

i need to motivate and get some air.

i really don't see the point.

why even get out of bed?

sometimes in the pursuit of happiness (or pleasure), we make choices that inevitably leave us feeling just as empty and numb inside as we felt before we made those decisions.

i need to make smarter choices in life. the things i think will make me happy seem to be minor distractions that can be a waste of time. i usually would say that no bad experience is a waste of anything as long as you can walk away from it with a valuable lesson, but what if we make that same bad mistake over and over?

i need sleep, i feel delirious.

i really hate it when i misplace or lose something of mine---shit, drives me nuts. and has anyone else ever done this where you turn your place upside down and start searching in crazy ass places when you know that it will definitely not be there? i've looked everywhere for this hat of mine and out of desperation even went and opened the fridge door a few times---you know, just in case. i tell myself that material possessions do not matter in life but damn losing stuff is annoying as hell.

reading the news is so fucking depressing sometimes.

sometimes i just want to blast depressing music, turn off all the lights and lie on the floor alone for hours in complete darkness. i don't know why but it's the only thing that seems to help when i get like this sometimes...

but instead i made myself go for a run to hangang, the large river that goes through seoul, and sweat out some toxins. i do feel slightly better now but i'm not sure why i'm feeling like i'm in such a funk when everything seems to be going okay thus far. i guess you can run away to a different part of the world, but some demons follow you no matter where you go. like my best friend said, i will always be somewhat "perpetually miserable."

i think i just feel drained from spending constant time with some distant relatives here in seoul because i've always just got to be "on" and happy and talkative and smile and positive and act like i give a shit. don't get me wrong, i'm very grateful for the things they've done for me here and show my gratitude in many ways, but being this constantly positive and happy person is honestly just not how i am most of the time. i just need some alone time where i can be however the fuck i want to be.

i need to be social and make some friends here on my own, i think that will eventually help.

it's been fourteen years since i've been in korea during the summertime.

what's amazing is all the smells, sounds, colors, noises, food, buildings, weather and people make me feel like a kid all over again and everything is just as exciting and brand new as it was back then.

i'm so happy to be here.

korea is teaching me that in society, there will always be have the have's and the have-not's.

i want to fall in love. fuck seeing anyone else that i know that won't happen with.

i've been in seoul for exactly one week now.

besides from getting very ill from food poisoning to the point where i had to go to two hospitals in seoul by ambulance (i'll write more about that experience in detail next time), everything else has been fine. i've been trying to explore the city on my own as much as possible by walking around different neighborhoods and while the hot weather and my sweating/glandular problem doesn't allow me to walk around as much as i would like to, i'm still enjoying myself here. the world cup also starts tonight so the whole country is in a frenzy, especially seoul. i haven't started to seriously look for a job yet, i'm going to give myself one more week to relax, travel and explore and then i'll be on full job-search mode.

so now that it's been over a week since i left nyc, that also means i haven't smoked weed in a week.

the last time i went one week without smoking was when i came to asia three years ago after graduating from college and that trip lasted almost three months. i can say that i have been smoking on a regular basis since i started college almost ten years ago, and smoking on a daily basis for perhaps the past two years or so. i'm glad to not smoke for a while, it's a good change that my brain and body definitely needs. however, having it in my system is something that my brain and body has gotten used to the past few years and i think i might be going through withdrawal right now. i feel so irritable, moody, anxious and just annoyed by everything for absolutely no reason. the thing is i was doing totally fine until earlier today, and now i just want to punch something or go sleep forever in a dark cave. i googled "marijuana withdrawal" and it seems that i probably am suffering from it. don't get me wrong, i'm very happy for the sober change and to not be stoned 24/7 anymore. truthfully i know that if it's accessible, i will want to smoke because i have no self-control when it comes to weed and it's a huge vice of mine. but i am in no way expecting to smoke while i'm in asia so thankfully my addict-ridden brain isn't even thinking about it anymore.

i just can't wait until i get through this and i'm feeling better. it was fun while it lasted but it's time to move.

no one said it would be easy...

it feels so damn liberating to be in a new city.

i'm at the airport waiting to board my flight. i can't believe the day is finally here, it's surreal and so exciting.

goodbye nyc, my old friend---i'll be back someday but for now i'll see ya' around.

i'm moving to seoul in less than a week.

if anyone knows of any possible job opportunities or has friends in korea that i could meet, please let me know!

dear friends,

as someone who works in the service industry, i'm going to share a few helpful tips on restaurant decorum and eating-out, THIS IS ESPECIALLY PERTAINING TO FOLKS IN NYC.

1. your party/group-of-diners will not be seated until you're ALL complete and everyone has arrived in the restaurant, PERIOD. let's say you and your friends are going to be a total of five people, but one person is running late. unless all five of you are in the restaurant and the hostess can see everyone with their own eyes, YOU WILL NOT BE SEATED. this is done in restaurants because a) even though you claim they're a block away or parking the car or smoking a cigarette or getting money from the ATM, there is a possibility that they're not anywhere near the restaurant and if you're seated without everyone being present, you will take up a table when it can be used for a party that is complete and ready to start their meal b) people lie all the time about their friends arriving shortly. if you're seated at your table and start off with drinks while you wait for your friend who actually arrives 40 minutes later, that table space could have been better utilized during that time c) THIS IS JUST HOW NYC RESTAURANTS WORK

2. never stack your plates when you're done with your food---you are in no way helping your server by doing so. it's more annoying than anything and goes to show that you need to chill out and let us do our job.

3. after consuming oysters, take the empty shell and place it upside down on the plate that the oysters arrived on. i'm going to assume that your oysters were eaten in the beginning of your meal (since raw bar food mostly is) when your plate will mostly likely be clean and usable for another dish or course. placing the used oyster shells on your plate this early on in the meal doesn't utilize the plate to its full capacity and while switching it out for a new one is no problem for your server, it is a bit unnecessary.

4. do not lie about having allergies to ingredients that you don't like to eat, we see right through you.

5. no, you cannot try on my glasses.

6. refrain from keeping your cell phones and other electronic devices on the table. drinks and food do spill on occasion and we wouldn't want your precious livelihood to get wet or damaged.

7. there's no such thing as annoying kids, but instead annoying parents who allow their children to act out in restaurants.

8. don't ask me "what's YOUR favorite dish?" and then immediately dismiss my answer because it's not what you wanted to hear.

9. no, we really DO NOT HAVE diet coke, tea, or peach snapple.

10. if your server just responded to your question/remark with a smile, laugh and an "oh yeah totally" and then just walked away, then we have no idea what you just said.

i could go on forever but i'll leave it at this. please be kind to service industry employees if they're providing good service.

enjoy your holiday weekend!

nothing beats a day trip to montauk for lobster rolls and the ocean breeze.

i'm tired of meeting people in the context of new york.

since high school, i would say most of the close friends i have met and made were all from places other than new york. whether it's california, maine, canada or any other place in the world, i felt fortunate to be already living in a city where millions of people flock to on a regular basis and uproot and change their lives for. meeting all these new people is great because i hear their stories and learn about how different their lives were from mine while growing up---life outside nyc does exist. i especially always wonder how their streets and homes looked like (to this day i have no idea for almost all of my friends who i didn't grow up with in queens).

then i start thinking about other random shit like maybe how different their persona back at home was compared to their nyc persona now. and then i wonder about things like where they went out to on the weekends with their friends or how different their daily commute used to be with their cars---i could ponder about it forever, it's fascinating.

now they live in nyc and we go out to places like so and so and we eat at places like so and so and our favorite neighborhood is so and so. this is their life and who they are now in new york and it's all i know of them.

but now i want to explore my other personas in places other than new york. i want to travel and meet people in different places and context and take all the tools i've learned in the city and put them to use in other places. i'm tired of meeting people at the same parties and having that same inevitable conversation about where we grew up and why they're in new york now and blah blah. i want to feel liberated and be in a completely new environment, just like all the people who came to this city.

nyc is magical at every age and it always has and forever will be. whether i'm here or you're here or john and sally smith are in new york or not, it doesn't matter. the city will always be here still chugging away and knowing that comfortable thought makes the thought of leaving it so much easier.

nothing is the only thing that lasts forever.

the sun is coming up. i hate this feeling.

do you believe in the power of a pair of glasses?

i've had my glasses for a few years now. they were old sunglasses that i made into glasses and i honestly don't see them on people very often but when i do, i always find it interesting because we must have something similar within ourselves to take the exact same style of sunglasses to make them into glasses. so a few weekends ago i was coming from penn station and running really late so i hopped into a cab to get home in the uws. the cabbie was an older gentleman with a grey mustache, smaller in size and seemed pretty normal and nice. i was in the backseat just minding my business when i noticed through the rearview mirror that the both of us were wearing the same pair of glasses. not being able to pass up the moment, i leaned forward to talk into the already opened sliding window and mentioned what i had just noticed.

suffice it to say, vince and i spent the rest of the ride telling each other our personal stories on how we ended up with our glasses.

it's fun to visit people at work and get wasted by yourself.

thanks erika!

the problem is, i don't remember...

sometimes there's just no turning back.

i make my own decisions for my own life and anyone who doesn't understand what i choose to do in my attempt for fulfillment and happiness can fuck off.

thank you ifc for playing kill bill at 3 in the morning. sometimes after a long day at work, i just want to smoke and decompress while my ass is parked in front of the tv.

music walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk smoke walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk think walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk think walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk think walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk smoke walk walk walk walk walk walk walk think walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk.

sometimes i wake up feeling like shit and the only thing going through my head is, "this is not living... this can't be my life right now."

he puts his arm around my shoulder when we walk down the street and then his hand moves up slightly to the back of my head, gently placed there to inconspicuously and softly caress it---moments like this make my heart smile.

sometimes at work when i'm talking to customers who are a lot older than me, i like to imagine how they looked like when they were around my age and wonder how different their lives were back then.

i'm obsessed with thinking about how times and culture have changed so much with technology. i miss the simpler days when you waited by the phone if you wanted to talk to someone and there was actually some sincerity in the interactions you had with people. i feel like my generation is the last to have grown up like this and that's such a depressing thought.

.

is there such a thing as too much karaoke? i don't think so. after getting off our shifts at the east village restaurant, me and a coworker headed up to koreatown to cure our humpday blues. there's nothing better than great conversation, soju, and karaoke/bar-hopping to help us get through the week.

   

i'm confused.

if i'm walking down the street and some dude coming towards me grabs and shakes his crotch while he's locked eye contact with me for a few seconds, does that mean he's hitting on me or wants me to fuck off?

it is so fucking beautiful outside.

my brain fled nyc without me.

one thing i've learned with time is that my self-worth and self-value grows with age, and while there are things i would have put up with when i was twenty two, i refuse to let the same thing happen again. if i can't learn from my past experiences, what's the point of going through anything? ...i know when i deserve better.

don't get me wrong, dating is still lots of fun though.

is there anything more downright pitiful than four people eating dinner together at a restaurant, but each one of them is glued to their electronic devices the entire time?

when i am the server for tables like these at work, it makes me dispirited.

there's only one thing in the world that can make me feel this happy.

i missed this feeling.

sometimes i just feel like screaming "FUCK EVERYTHING."

i feel so burned out.

there's always a story...

last night i dreamt that i was talking to someone who unexpectedly had a jughead comic book on top of a pile of their reading materials. i remember thinking "woah i loved jughead comics as a kid, he was my favorite archie comic book character---i can't believe you like them too!"

now if i can only remember who this guy in my dream was...

have you ever just stared at a completely empty and quiet street in the middle of the night for a really long time? the colors on the stoplight continually change between red, green and yellow but everything else is just there, pointless without the touch of human use---just like my heart.

it's so hard to prioritize the things that matter in life.

work?
family?
money?
love?
vanity?
friends?

what happens if none of it really/sort of/kind of doesn't seem to matter? that's probably because i forgot to add "me" to the list.

...i really need to sleep but i've been in bed for the past hour just tossing and turning.

"when will it happen?"

...when i fucking make it happen.

i really can't sleep and my internet is being crazy so i decided to clean up some files on my computer and found the following poem i wrote in college for a class.

it's dated november 11, 2005 and while i don't remember why i wrote this, it reminds me of being depressed and alone in my room back at my house in flushing, such bittersweet memories.

i have not left my room in days
and the stench of stench lingers like a dark cloud.
the sun has become my foe,
bringing only darkness with it.
shadows are always around me.
i walk around with my arms flailing
in front of my
awkward
listless body,
confused because it’s been like this so long.
and my eyes have yet to adjust,
nor has my mind and soul.

i stare at the ceiling for hours,
wasting away under the impressions of normality,
not understanding what has and will become of me.

confusion rules in the land of the dead.
with no direction in life or
even to go buy some apple juice,
the thought of getting out my fetal position is unnecessary.

i will stay like this forever.
eternally meandering through the dark caverns of my thoughts,
and curling up under my sheets,
wondering how good it used to feel in my mom’s stomach
when i was no bigger than my nose hairs.
i will stay like this forever.

when my last day comes,
etched on my forehead will be my last middle finger to the world

dear friends,

please do not go to restaurants and chew on the pen-caps of your server when they give you back your credit card and reciept to sign. i don't know what's worst, you chewing the pen-cap or me having to actually discover that you did---fucking nasty.

thank you.

be yourself---don't play games.

live by that creed and when you find the person who believes in it just as must as you do, you might have found yourself something special.

i love asking people this question: would you rather have the ability to fly or live underwater?

thank you fuse and palladia. there's nothing better than watching music videos on tv late at night. this is how i spent countless nights during my childhood in the nineties and i find there's something special about that feeling you get when you don't know what new video is coming on next. i think it sucks that kids won't ever be able to experience music that way again, it was really a lot of fun----it's not the same as just going online or downloading the music video to watch. i guess i was lucky.

there's a bodega on the corner down my block and no matter how the weather is or what time of day or evening it is, there's usually always one or two dudes just hanging out in front of it. i don't go down that way that often so i never recognize or remember any of the guys' faces but i definitely notice other little things. it could be snowing or raining like fucking crazy outside but they're consistently there. sometimes they just stand there and the two guys don't even talk to each other but just seem to be waiting for something. in my mind it's pretty obvious that they're drug dealers and i've always wondered what they sold.

so tonight as my roommate and i were home and with the weather being really nice allowing us to open up all our windows, it's easy to hear all these voices coming from the direction of the bodega. the bodega is on the same side of the street as my apartment building and we live on the 7th floor halfway down the block so our view of it is made up mostly of people's heads and bodies. the details of the faces are hard to make but these kids look young. throughout the night i would get up and look out the window to see what all the noise was about, but it just seemed to be kids hanging out on the street. then one time when i looked to see what was happening, i hear this kid yelling "come on, let's go-let's go" as he walked down the block together with this dude who looked like a columbia student or something and then sold him drugs. throughout the night i saw all these other young people who seemed to approach the group of kids reluctantly looking pretty suspect, they all looked so guilty of something. the customers would be lead down the street towards the direction of my building to do the obvious transactions.

i was really interested to see what type of people the customers were. they looked like young kids who were going to go out and party or some shit who probably just wanted to get a little messed up. hey, if they have the guts to buy drugs from these dealers on a nyc corner at night, then i say let them have fun. one transaction that caught my attention was this girl and guy who were friends and they approached the dealers together. the first thing i noticed about them was that the girl seemed pretty stylish and attractive and looked liked she was going somewhere fun right after that. she's actually the one who did all the talking, too---her guy friend just seemed to be there to support her. i would never in my life be able to do buy drugs from a stranger on a corner because i'd probably think the dealers were narcs or that they're being watched by the cops and my transaction was the one that the cops were going to bust-in on or lots of other neurotic stuff like that. i'm really curious to know what the hell they're selling though, it's hard to tell by their client base. i'm thinking it's bolivian marching powder but that's just an ignorant guess.

so about an hour ago i peek out and see what the noise is about and there seems to be a few male customers who are just standing with the dudes. then another guy is walking across the street from them and walks past the point the dealers are at, but then turned around slowly and made a b-line for the kids with the stuff. wow, two transactions at once, i guess this must be the spot or some shit. so all the customers and dealers are there on the street and then a cop car slowly pulls up. then another one slowly does and that one's followed by a third, yeah oh shittt is all i could think. at this point everyone standing in that cluster of people on the street looks to be frozen and just waiting for the cops to make their first move. as the cops slowly got out of their cars and approached some of the guys, i noticed that four guys from the group started to very slowly distance themselves from everyone else and walked east towards central park. haha the funny thing was it was four dudes who were obviously the customers and they cautiously just started to walk away at a snail's pace, i bet they were all shitting bricks. the cops seemed to only want to talk to the dealer guys and just let the other four guys get away without giving them any shit at all. i'm hoping they learned a good lesson and will never risk buying stuff off the street like that again. as for the dealers, i can't figure out why but the cops just sort of left five minutes later and drove away in their cars without making any arrests or taking anyone away. odd.

now all i can wonder is where is that young ballsy girl who purchased drugs from the corner earlier in the evening with her male friend, and what is she doing at this very moment? i'm guessing she's probably fucked up at some club with help from the stuff she bought and is dancing with loud music surrounded by lots of lights and fog. thinking about what happened to her drug dealers or the street where she was just standing at hours earlier is on her mental list of things to ponder about right after thinking about how the plastic ends on shoelaces are made.

nothing is ever as exciting as it seems in your head.

i just want to spoon all night.

i need to let go of everything. insecurities, bad habits and fear all have to go away. i don't want to live this way for the rest of my life and i need to let it all go now. i need to learn how to be happy, to love myself and allow myself to search for endearing, sincere and true happiness. my walls need to come down. i need to prioritize my life with better choices. i need to live up to my potential.

playing it cool is so hard.

i'm going to chicago for a much needed and appreciated break from nyc and am fucking elated. i'm leaving tonight and am coming back sunday night. it also happens to be st. patrick's day weekend as well and i'm still not sure if this is a really awesome or really bad thing---my friends have lined up some st. patty's day festivities to partake in so i guess i'll just have to see.

i don't know what to say.

you know that scene in reality bites where lelaina (winona ryder) is looking for a job and this woman at a newspaper asks her to define irony right as she gets on the elevator? and it's descending with the outside buildings and sky visible in the background and she is so frustrated about everything in her life at that moment because you can see it all on her face? i love that part of the movie---i so feel her in that scene.

here are some more pictures from anna sui's fashion show last month at bryant park.

i usually go every season to support my best friend judy and after each show, the whole anna sui design team goes to dinner and judy is allowed to invite one person as her guest. while i've previously attended the dinner as her guest before, lucky me got to again for the f/w 2010 show. dinner was at the breslin and the weather was shitty and we couldn't find a cab so we somehow ended up catching the bus from the back of bryant park in front of the beautiful new york public library and we rode it down fifth avenue. haha sometimes life is funny like that.