what a dreary and gloomy day.

i'm thinking everyone else in nyc is also staying indoors to stay dry from the shitty ass weather. i was supposed to go to the laundromat today because i haven't gone in 3 weeks --- but ehh, i don't think that will be happening anytime soon.

i feel lonely and miserable as fuck. it it so much to ask that i have a special someone in my life? why the fuck is it so hard to meet people you have shit in common with? it's so hard to meet guys of substance in nyc, argh. fuck, i've given up on all this bullshit.

these are the two photos on my refrigerator being help up by my new school university magnet.

everything else in my life is just blah.

btw --- can you believe i was ever that small?

the worst part about going to bed is trying to fall asleep --- i can never fall asleep. i was tired as hell and cranky a couple of hours ago and i just wanted was some shut eye. but all i did was stare at my ceiling and get frustrated while i tried to fall asleep. then a memory just came into my head and i wanted to write about it before i forgot.

i can't remember when this happened, but it was definitely within the past few days and during one of my morning commutes to work.

i was sitting on the subway reading and listening to music when a stranger came and sat next to me. bear in mind that this is rush hour and the trains are pretty packed. i was sitting at an end so no one was sitting to my left, and the guy was on my right. the space was a bit tight so he sorta had to squeeze and press against my body while he sat and when he did, all i could think of was how nice it felt to have someone's body come in contact with mine. i'm really not a perv and was not at all thinking of this in some sexually distorted way (i don't even remember a single detail about the guy aside from how i felt), but it just felt comforting to have someone sitting closely next to me. i just wanted to rest my head on his shoulder and close my eyes --- it felt that nice. it made me realize how much i miss just being with someone --- i don't even have to be doing anything with a person aside from physically being in each other's presence and being within a close proximity from them. i miss that.

that's when i realized how lonely i am and how i sometimes yearn for some closeness and intimacy with someone.

blah blah blahhhh.

okay i'm really going to try to fall asleep. goodnight.

the weather in nyc is getting so crisp and cold, i love it --- it makes me feel alive.

i commissioned one of my best friends for a personal art project earlier in the weekend so i treated her to burgers tonight for dinner at stand on 12th street between fifth and university. i opted for the mini-burger with a side of potato salad instead of the regular sized burger, which my friend got. the difference in size was pretty funny so we decided to take pictures.

happy monday.

omg, i randomly have 3 bars of wireless internet --- so excited.

i moved into my brooklyn apartment last weekend and have been trying to settle in, yay! my room is a lot smaller than i remembered, but i fucking LOVE my new apt. my roommate and i are going to make this a nice pad. i work for an epicurean magazine and he works at one of the best furniture/design magazines --- we have to make it work here somehow. i still haven't returned my friend's camera ever since i borrowed it for wisconsin, so i plan to take advantage of it and take some pics of my new place. i will post them soon.

my roommate and i were apparently wrong about our neighborhood and we live in prospect heights, not clinton-hill. does anyone else live around here? let's chill. i started wandering the area and i love all the brownstones and old-school architecture here. i walk a block and will stumble onto the most beautiful church that looks like it was built a hundred years ago.

as for the actual layout of the apt, it's a two bedroom that also has a small office room. my roommate and i are not sure what we're going to do with that room, but i'm adamant on not making that room into just storage space --- we must take full advantage and make that room awesome somehow. all the rooms are on the small side, but the apt itself is very spacious and clean. the building is somewhat new so i love the hardwood floors and we're also kind of tucked away from the street --- it's nice to have some seclusion and privacy from the rest of the world.

aside from my new apartment, things are pretty blah. i was on vacation this past week and have to go back to work tomorrow, i'm kind of sad about that. i'm scared to open my inbox tomorrow morning to see the countless emails that await me --- i guess back it's back to real life.

speaking of real life, i've come to the conclusion that i am fucking sick of dating and trying to meet guys. whatever happens will happen. i'm going to stop thinking about how lonely i am and focus all that energy on other shit i could be doing. yeah, i'm lonely as fuck and would love some companionship, but i am not going to keep making myself feel like an idiot with the people i meet. i'm not going to waste my time anymore. blah.

i swear this was not planned but how apropos is this for my 500th blog posting.

as with the nation, all i can say is, YES!!!!!!!!!!

here is to our new president of the united states of america, barack obama.

what's new?

i didn't get laid off, woohoo. actually, the amount of people who got laid off was relatively low compared to other companies. but people did lose their jobs, people with families and mortgages and bills, and that's really unfortunate. blah.

on a side note, has this ever happened to you? you're at work and you go to the bathroom to do your business. you're sitting on the toilet, thinking about all the work you have to do and then you finish doing what you have to do. then you reach for the toilet paper... but there is none. you look under the toilet paper dispenser and your true fears have been confirmed, you have nothing to wipe your ass with. believe it or not, this was the second time it happened to me in the past few weeks. the first thought that popped into my head was, "wtf, shit like this really happens to people in real life?? i thought stuff like this only happened in bad comedies" i guess it's also my fault for using the same stall twice and not learning my lesson. suffice it to say, i did what i had to do and went on with my merry day.

layoffs are happening everywhere --- the downturn of the economy is evident in every industry within the nation, and publishing is no different. from the l.a. times, the new york times, radar, cosmogirl, and countless other publications, people are getting fired, companies are closing down, and there's nothing that can be done about it.

it's been rumored in my office that there will soon be an announcement of layoffs within the the publishing company i work for, which is owned by one of the largest financial institutions in the world. i heard last week that the announcement will come tomorrow, and lo and behold, a little after 5 pm today, our whole department gets an email from our publisher about an 11 am meeting tomorrow that will announce the future and some changes within our publishing company.

people are definitely freaked out in the office, but as for me, i know that everything happens for a reason. right now i'm giving 120% at work, and if that's not good enough and they think i am one of the people who should be laid off, then it is what it is. honestly, i'm not really worried about tomorrow, but you never know about these things. we'll see how it goes.

it sure feels good to come back home.

don't get me wrong, i had the most amazing time in wisconsin, but all that eating, drinking and schmoozing was getting really tiring after a while.

now it's back to real life and i've got to prepare for an upcoming busy workweek. the good news is, all i have to do is make it through the next five days of work and i'm on a one-week vacation, fuck yeah.

i did want to mention one thing about my business trip. my colleague and i were treated with the best amenities by the company, and i was able to attend every single event i wanted to and socialize with some of the greatest culinary talent in the country. from gift baskets to complimentary everything --- i felt very lucky and a bit spoiled by it all, and loved every minute of it. however with all the great stuff that happened, there was also an incident which really pissed me off. and i'm only writing about it because i think it's worth mentioning, but it in no way reflects negatively on all the million amazing moments i had.

on my last night in wisconsin, my colleagues, some of the event's talent and i were having drinks at the best restaurant in town, which happened to be in our hotel. at about midnight, everyone says they're tired and that they're retiring for the night. i was the youngest of everyone and the only one that wanted to stay out so i decide to hit up the local pub for a nightcap, which is also inside the hotel. i just wanted to get one beer before i went to bed, so i sat at the bar alone and ordered my local wisconsin draft on tap. as i'm sitting at the bar, there isn't really anyone else at there except for a group of three guys to my left. the bartender brings me my drink, and as i'm drinking my beer, i hear a guy in the group to the left of me say, "FUCKING FOREIGNERS." i immediately look to them and see the guy turning his head after making the racial statement. then at that moment, a group of 3 girls come out of the bathroom and come in between myself and the group of guys.

now, i'm pretty fucking pissed off after hearing this. i will be the first to say that i am a big pussy and don't enjoy fighting, but there are some things that you just don't and can't let go. especially coming from this ignorant motherfucker who assumes i'm a "foreigner" because i'm asian. i ask one of the girls if those guys were their friends, and she says no. so i lean over and get the guy's attention and ask if he just called me a "fucking foreigner." he seemed pretty surprised at my reaction and went on this whole bullshit tangent and assured that he wasn't talking about me, but about a beer instead. all i did was laugh at him, finish my beer, and go back to my hotel. i swear, stupid ass racist idiots in the country. if you're going to make a racial slur at me, don't fucking act like you didn't, man. you just embarrass yourself.

on our hour-long drive back to the milwaukee airport, i asked my colleague, "since this is how 95% of americans live, do you think rural america is reality, or living in a melting pot like new york is a reality?" she answered that they're "alternate realities." that really made me think about how lucky i am to have been born and raised in nyc --- i love this city and this is where my life and reality is.

anyway, here are some pictures i took from my trip. fyi, whenever i travel, i'm always obsessed with watching the local news and seeing what's going on in these places i've never heard of before --- so much fun haha. enjoy.

i'm in kohler, wisconsin.

i got here thursday evening, and have been in timeless bubble that is filled with wine and food. all i have been doing is eating amazing food and drinking tons of award winning wines ---- i guess my job isn't so bad after all. kohler itself is beautiful and everyone is really nice. it's also so nice to get the fuck out of new york for a while.

i borrowed my friend's camera and am taking tons of pictures here, i'll post some after i get back home on sunday.

i wore the same pants to work for the past 3 days. i don't know how the hell i let myself do that.

i finally found an apt and signed a one year lease. i'll be living in clinton-hill in brooklyn.

i'm going to wisconsin this weekend for work, it's been a while since i've been out of nyc.

i have a one week vacation during the first week of november. i'll probably spend that first week settling into my new apt and doing nothing.

all i need now is a job i love and a golden retriever and i'd be all set in life.

i was at my sister's house last week when i heard that choi jin-sil hanged herself in her apt in seoul while her mother was home. i loved choi jin-sil, she was one of the first korean actresses i started watching in the 90's and couldn't believe it when i heard the news of her suicide. i still can't believe she's dead and sometimes just obsessively google her name and the word "suicide" to see if there's any new information on her death.

i think the idea of suicide resonates so much with me because it makes me sad to think that there are people out there who feel that alone. reading back on this blog, i used to have such deep depression and feel lucky to have survived through those dark years in my life. it creeps back on me every now and then, but i feel like i've learned to cope with it better and i know what i need to do to make it go away. it doesn't always work, but i'm still in a much better place than i used to be. people say that suicide is the most selfish thing to do, and while i agree with that --- i also do empathize with people who feel such strong, uncontrollable pain and sadness in their lives and they don't know how to make it go away. when i get depressed, i get indifferent and question everything at the same time. why am i here? what is the point of my life? what would happen if i was dead?

but at 25, i've now come to learn that life is so great, no matter what you're going through. yeah-sure, things could always be better, but things could always be worse. maybe it's the fact that i'm in my twenties and i still have such hope and dreams for my life, but i know i'm going to be happy and i'll eventually obtain everything i've ever wanted.

talking about this is bringing me down again so i will end this post with a video. while i normally don't like to post videos here too often, the following is a clip from a korean drama in the 90's called "Jealousy" (질투) that is near and dear to my heart. i actually remember watching this drama as a little kid in the early 90's, and specifically remember the last scene because it was the best ending of a drama ever and became an instant classic when it went cut right to some footage of all the production crew. even watching the scene now, i can remember why i loved it as a 9-year old kid.

yesterday was a life-changing day.

one of my bosses at work was able to score me two tickets to haruki murakami's interview at this year's new yorker festival. all i've got to say is, this event sold-out in eleven minutes when tickets went on sale a while ago and i was absolutely elated to be there. i NEVER in my life thought that i would ever be able to see or be in the same room as murakami. it's like expecting to go to a reading by vladimir nabokov---it's just not going to happen.

but with murakami it did happen, and i left the interview feeling inspired about life and my future as a writer. i'm pretty lazy as an aspiring writer because, well---i never write anymore. whenever i finish work and come home, the last thing i'm feeling is inspired to write. but i've got to figure out a new system to get myself inspired and get my thoughts in writing because i'm already 25, and i've got to start making shit happen for myself.

october 5, 2008, will forever be the day in my life where i got to see one of my literary heroes in person. i've met and seen countless celebs, but this is one of the very few that actually matter to me. i feel such a connection with him, especially after yesterday. some of his thoughts on life and the writing process are things that i also fully believe in and i got such goosebumps during the event.

here are just a few notes i came away with after the interview ended. murakami...

1. thinks he never dreams while he sleeps because writing is like dreaming, and that's how all writers dream---they write
2. writes without a plan. all he has is his opening scene of a book, and he just goes from there
3. wakes up at around 3-4 AM because that's when he does his best writing. a lot of his books have an underlying theme of a a dark underworld, and that's the time where he feels closest to that other world
4. says writers have to be tough in order to make it
5. said, "my imagination is my asset---my gift"

the best thing murakami said last night was, "if the protagonist is happy, there’s no story at all.” that pretty much sums up my life.

thank you, haruki murakami.

fuck.

life... is so good.

i am homeless in 12 days, but i'm hoping i'll be okay.

for the past month or so, i've been trying to staying positive in life.

i've been through a whole lot of shit, and i've come to realize--- life is not that bad, it really isn't.

i've come to appreciate the smallest things in life, and am grateful for everything.

i love when i'm waiting on a hot and muggy underground subway platform and i can tell that the subway is coming because i feel what at first starts as this light breeze in the stagnant air, and then it grows harder and stronger and by the time the subway is charging by me, it feels like a stampede of wild horses are passing with its wind, sound and vibration--- it makes me feel alive.

why does cleaning out the lint trap of a dryer feel so damn gratifying?

summer is officially over...

i'll miss you, summer fridays.

why do i tell people about my problems with the subconscious goal of hoping to hear the reaction i want?

my life is my own, and i've got to realize that no one else's opinion matters. anything i do will ultimately be my own decision, and i have no one else to blame or thank for those choices but myself.

it's amazing how easily one can adapt to change.

living with nothing and no $... who would've ever thought??

i love this cover.

how does a gay man date in new york city if they're not really a fan of gay bars, am completely over meeting people online, and doesn't have too many gay friends or know people who have gay friends?

i don't know how to meet people.

i just witnessed a drive by shooting right outside my window... yes, an ACTUAL drive by shooting. and the answer to your next question is YES, people did get shot. (an update, 3 people had gunshot wounds).

damn it to hell, i think it might be time to start thinking about moving again. fuck fuck fuck.

i can't sleep.

too much thinking.

need something positive to focus on in life.

i finally have a new, WORKING phone.

my camera broke this past weekend (story of my life). i stupidly always throw all my electronics in my messenger bag, and my lcd screen cracked under the millions of things i have in there. here are the last of my photos that were left in my camera. i don't even remember when these were taken, but it was at a karaoke place in ktown. my friends and i brought in our own bottles of soju, and ordered one bottle and rotated one on the table as the other empty and full bottles were secretly stashed away. i think i drank too much because the night ended up with me passed out on the street on 32nd street.

 

i need to make some single, gay friends that i could hang out with.

i can not believe that it's sunday night and i have work tomorrow.

i had the past friday off for a summer friday, and since my brother-in-law is out of town for business, i decided to stay at my sister's place for a few days and keep her company. oh man, the two of us do not make a good combination. i slept at her place on thurs, fri, and sat night, and we did absolutely nothing but eat and watch tv for 3 days straight! and by nothing, i mean absolutely nothing. i realize this is how we spent many of our weekends in our childhood, watching tv and ordering chinese food. it kind of felt good to be able to do it again, it had been a while.

one highlight of the weekend was watching the opening ceremony of the olympics at her place... yeah, it was absolutely awesome.

you know i feel like i used to be pretty attached to my blackberry before it broke. i was obsessed with being online and having the ability to check my email at all times. i'd be online at every moment, checking the news, blogs, and other mundane stuff. after my blackberry broke in aspen, i was using a very old phone that my friend gave me and after that stopped working a month ago, i think i've learn to let go of having a usable cellphone.

a friend once told me that she always puts her phone on silent and checks it sporadically. i immediately questioned her and asked why on earth would she do that? what if people are trying to reach her or she misses an important call? she responded with, "i don't know... i guess i just don't want to be attached to it." that really got me thinking and made me realize that i too do not want to feel attached to my phone. i guess my point is, it's been a month since my substitute phone broke, and i definitely can't afford to buy a new one. but i don't even care, isn't that crazy? my sister offered to buy me an iphone, and we even went to the at&t store on astor and broadway to purchase one. as we're talking with the sales girl on necessary paperwork and stuff, i had an epiphany and told my sister that i didn't want it. she asked why and i just said, "...i just don't care.." i know that i eventually will get a new phone, but i guess it's not a priority in my life. and when i do, i sure as hell am sure that it won't be anything fancy, probably just something i can make calls and receive texts with.

i'm hoping that coming home and watching tv while i surf the web will fill my technological needs for awhile.

i accompanied my coworker shanette to 'wichcraft earlier today as she got ice cream after lunch, and as we were walking up 6th avenue on 42nd back to the office, i happened to notice lynn yaeger across the street. living in new york city, you see random celebs and people all the time and i've seen lynn countless times, sometimes on the subway or just walking around downtown.

anyhoo, i pointed her out to shanette and we watched as she stood there, waiting for the crosswalk to turn green so she can cross. just as i did, we watched as she PUT HER FINGER IN HER MOUTH TO PICK SOME FOOD OFF THE SIDE OF HER TEETH, AND THEN SHE PROCEEDED TO EAT WHAT WAS ON HER FINGER.

puahahah oh man that gave us a good laugh. question is, i wonder what she had for lunch?

why do i torture myself and watch the food network when i'm starving?

spending the first night in a new apartment is always a weird feeling. i keep glancing out my window and it's odd how all my surroundings seem so unfamiliar. i know that in a week or two, this place will feel like home but tonight is my first night and i feel like a stranger in someone else's house. DUMBO is a great neighborhood though. after two months of thinking and worrying about my next apartment and where i'm going to live, it feels so good to finally settle in and know that i won't have to think about moving for awhile (at least i hope not). i walked around the area today and there's so many great little shops and other things to do. the view of the east river is absolutely breathtaking at times and the river cafe and the brooklyn ice cream factory is a short walk away. i'm hoping to take advantage of the great view by going for a run tomorrow. the cobblestone streets might be a killer on my feet, but we'll see how it goes. after that, i've definitely got to go and find an air conditioner for my room. once i get that, i'll be all set.

whenever there's a birthday in the office, we always get crumbs cupcakes. you would think that for an epicurean magazine, we'd get a little bit more creative every now and then with the celebratory food... but we normally don't. however, the other day we did go to 'wichcraft for ice cream sandwiches in bryant park since it's only a block away. they were made out of fresh strawberry ice cream with either an oatmeal or chocolate shell and honestly, they were not that good.

anyhoo, all this got me thinking and i told some of my closer coworkers that for my next birthday, i'd like a big mac with a candle in it becaus i love me a fucking big mac. so do away with all your fancy sweets, and give me a number one with a candle instead, and that'll be the best birthday ever.

i've been trying to write a happy and pleasant entry for the past hour, but i swear to you, my mind is drawing an absolute blank. i'm not depressed or feeling down or anything, just tired and indifferent.

anyone else want to share some good news with me?

has anyone ever told you something about someone that just completely floored you? something that is so painful and devastating to hear, that you don't even know what to say or how to feel? you try and let the information process, but the pain and sadness gets mixed in with the regret and anger, and you sit there with the phone to your ear, trying to imagine the dark time in that person's life and the hell they must've gone through.

...i'm sorry you went through that.

i've decided that i want my life to be completely different than how it is. i feel pretty unhappy about a lot of things, and it's time for some major, major changes. what that means is i'm going to be fucking up and making lots of mistakes but i don't care because those are my mistakes to make and i know whatever lesson i learned from it would have been worth it.

one change is, i'm moving out of queens. yes, it is time for me to move onto another borough. i found this tiny shithole of a room in an apartment in DUMBO and starting on august, i will officially be a resident of brooklyn. i know i'm probably getting stiffed on the rent, but honestly i'm too exhausted to keep looking for fucking apartments. finding a place to live in nyc is hell sometimes, especially if you're broke as fuck.

i just had my one week vacation and have to go back into the office in like 7 hours. i'm having heart palpitations thinking about all the unread emails that are sitting in my inbox and all the voicemails waiting to be listened to.

this month has been sort of stressful, and because of work, my living situation, financial issues, partying, and pure laziness (yes, i know i was a lazy fuck), i've gained 12 pounds. i know that it is completely my fault, but am not worried because i plan to kick myself back into gear and start working out and eating healthy again.

i realized that my life is what i make it, and i have to figure out my own route to happiness and stability. i think that the next few years are going to very challenging, but i'm excited to see all the shit that will happen and the things i'll learn. i hope that in the future when i'm reading back on this entry, i'll chuckle at how my life used to be and realize all the changes i've been through.

thank you for today.

no regret is a korean movie i first blogged about in april 2007. the movie is about two gay men: one grew up in an orphanage and ends up working as a prostitute in seoul, and the other is a closeted guy who comes from a rich family that doesn't accept his sexuality. the rich guy ends up visiting the bar where the other guy works, and that begins their complex and challenging relationship.

this past weekend, i was making my weekly rounds of the small independent movie theaters downtown and was excited to see "NO REGRET coming july 25" on cinema village's marquee. i definitely reccomend this movie to everyone, especially if you're gay and asian. this movie is very well made, and i guarantee that its candor and openness about the subject matter of homosexuality in korea will make you see it in a completely different way. i remember after watching this movie, i didn't feel that being gay and korean was such an abnormal thing. there are others out there, just like me, and we all have our own stories.

if this movie seems at all interesting, please go watch it. it starts next friday on july 25 at the cinema village, which is on 12th between university and fifth. i'm always about supporting the smaller independent theaters downtown. without them, the only film choices new york city would have would be "batman" and "wall-e." fuck those dumb ass big budget hollywood movies, like those studios or those damn stadium seating megaplex movie theaters need anymore goddamn money.

vindication.

fuck you asshole.

it's funny, my friend who's apt i'm crashing at for a month has the same rice-cooker that i bought for my parents 5 years ago when we all lived in flushing.

i haven't lived in a house with a rice-cooker since i left home, and for some reason, every time i open the rice-cooker here at my friend's apt, the familiar motion, sound and look of the cooker makes me feel like i'm in flushing again. i look around me for a split second, thinking that juju's going to run up to me to beg for food, but then i realize i'm just having a moment.

that makes me kinda sad.

did i tell you that my phone died in my hands last week?

it's been almost 7 days w/o a cell phone, and it's oddly liberating. we'll see how long this lasts.

what is it about sundays that make me feel like absolute shit?

you know when i turned 25 this past february, i made a mental list in my head of the things i had to accomplish this year. i have to admit that almost 5 months have gone by, and i haven't kept my word on a single thing i promised myself i would do.

well, today i found a way to check one of those things off my list, and i think will keep me busy until september 29.

turning 26 is less than a year away and i am determined to accomplish these goddamn goals.

i wish i could forgive you.

i don't know...

happy 4th of july everyone.

i just finished watching the macy's fireworks display on nbc. kind of lame.

anyway, i watched The Wackness earlier today with my friend jess. you know i don't watch movies too often, and it's even harder for me to find a movie i enjoy, but i definitely recommend this move to everyone. it's about an 18 year old kid who's graduating from high school in 1994 and all the events that happen to him that summer. the movie is very well written and pretty funny, and ben kingsley is such an amazing actor and yet again gives an awesome performance. he'll always be itzhak stern from schindler's list to me, that's my favorite movie of all time. if you live in nyc, go watch it! it's playing at the angelika.

after the movie, my friend and i walked to ippudo and ate some ramen. here are some pics.

i've designated july "me" month. i'm going to try and focus on bettering myself in every way instead of focusing on negative things. i want to start reading more, shining at work, and working out again.

some other updates on my life, i moved out of my crackhouse this past weekend and am staying at a friend's place for a few weeks. my friend grace turned out to be my guardian angel by letting me stay here, i'm not sure what i would've done if it wasn't for her. i've got to find a new place in a few weeks, but i guess i'll have to worry about that when the time comes. here are some things i will not miss about my old apartment:

-roaches
-my dirty ass roommate
-finding cockroaches chilling on the tip of my toothbrush
-a broken doorknob and it taking me 5 minutes to get outside my apartment
-dead roaches in my closet
-the toilet leaking all over the floor
-people who lived above me that stomped around every night around 1:30 am
-people opening my mail and putting it back into my mailbox
-waking up to a swollen and itchy body because of bedbugs
-having to throw my bed away because of bedbugs
-dead roaches in my dishes
-beads in the kitchen doorway
-getting gauged on rent
-dead roaches in my clothes
-crazy ass neighbors who lived without closing their door or having a DAMN DOORKNOB
-roaches

oh, life...

aside from my messy living situation, work right now is insane and i don't know when or if things are going to slow down. i am barely hanging on until the weekend. once thursday end of day comes, i will be the happiest man alive.

anyway, here's some pictures from last friday. i went to carmines in the UES to eat some amazing, family-style italian food. i hadn't been to that carmine's location in seven years, i couldn't believe how fast time flies. i guess that's just the way things go.

my life is a junk show.

i've been in such a weird funk since i returned from aspen on sunday night. i called in sick at work today because i couldn't get out of bed. i need to get the hell out of it already and motivate.

it's crazy how there's so much shit going on in my life right now, it's just madness. i wish i could write about it here, but i feel like these are things that'll be easier to reflect on later down the line because right now, it's nothing but stress for me.

blahhhhhhhhhh.

i went to aspen for 5 days because that's where the magazine i work for throws the number one culinary event of the COUNTRY every year over father's day weekend. being there made me feel so proud to see months of hard work come to life. everyone just enjoyed themselves over the weekend, and even though i was there for work, it felt like an awesome 5-day vacation instead. being there was not work to me, i had the time of my fucking life and couldn't believe how lucky i was to be a part of such an amazing event. it was pretty cool to see that this whole event was put on by a team of no more than 15 people, and i was one of those people.

i did way too much stuff there to even begin listing all my favorite things, so i'll just leave you with these pictures. all i can say is: aspen is an absolutely breathtaking city, i saw melanie griffith walking down the main street of town smoking a cig, got kicked in the back thigh by ming tsai, finally was able to see the big dipper again in what felt like years, had a broken phone on my 2nd day there and i am still without a one even now (it's lonely without a cell phone at my apt, i have no one to talk to at all), got sunburnt and was able to take a bath. hell fucking yeah.

ps- on a random ass side note, how crazy is it that i saw my halal lady on the subway platform today late in the evening in koreatown and we said hi to eachother? haha nyc is really such a small city.

you know i used to dislike the thought of having to go to weddings.

i know many people will disagree with me, but as a gay man, weddings don't really do much for me. i don't go with any hopes of getting ideas for my future wedding, or having a wedding of my own to compare it to. it was just another social event that i had to go to and sit through. then i realized how much of a selfish asshole i was being, and came to see that weddings are a beautiful and joyous occasion where i should feel incredibly lucky to witness the union of a marriage, and what will hopefully be the beginning of a long and happy lifelong partnership.

the wedding i went to this past weekend was for a friend named Cora, who i've been friends with since junior high school. my best friends judy and jess were in the bridal party, so it was nice to to be with friends and also see people i haven't talked to in years. my other friend grace went as my date, and we drove out to the outdoor wedding in long island with my other friend susy. the ceremony was at noon and outdoors in the 95 degree heat and i have to admit that even though i could barely open my eyes because of the glaring sun, once we moved inside, the reception was great and we all had a fun time.

ps- don't you like my tie?