so much has happened here, at the same time nothing has happened.

i really wish i had stable internet access in my room bc i always have a million things i want to write about, but then i cant ever seem to remember anything by the time i get to the pc bang.

well, ive been still pretty much doing my own thing since i got here. tim's busy with work, so theres really nothing else to do but entertain myself. i try to do something every single day bc i know if i stayed in my room alone, i would go nuts.

yesterday i woke up and went to the Museum of Contemporary Art. it was fucking amazing. it felt so great to be in a museum where korean artists aren't just represented with one work of art, or just a special show. in this museum, it's mostly korean art with pieces of foreign artists here and there. i was so moved to see all the wonderful works of art, feeling a great sense of pride in them. there was especially one that really caught my eye, and it made me sort of obesessive about it. it's a piece by Hwang In Gi and it's kind of like a black folding screen that ithink might be about 15 feet wide, and there's nothing but pins on it and from that he was able to draw mountains. its a truly beautifl work of art, and afterwards i was in the museum gift shop for almost over an hour looking for any books, postcards, or other souvenirs that profiled either the work or the artist. unfortunatelty i wasnt able to find anything and i left pretty dissaapointed.

anyway, but the museum is in this huge ass park in seoul that also has an amusement park, zoo, and other attractions. it was so beautfil there and i was able to ride a ski chairlift thing from the museum to the subway, which is a very long distance apart. i took pictures of it all, but i haven't been able to find a voltage converter for my mac so i cant upload anything. also havent been able to find a voltage converter for my digi cam so that's pretty much out of batteries as well.

after that, i ate at this small restaurnt at the end of the chair lift and had what quite possibly could be the best sullungtang ive ever had in my life. it was damn good.

afterwards i spent the day walking around other parts of seoul, such as this large ass mall and another shopping center.

you know i'm pretty proud of myself at how self reliant i am about getting around this city. i pretty much am able to find everywhere i want to go, without the help of anyone. today i woke up and went to the financial part of town in hopes of finding the ONLY APPLE STORE in korea. seriously, no one here uses macs, they just dont. and when i went today, i found out that it's on the 32nd floor of this large bulding by the coex mall. i was so fucking elated to get off the 32nd floor and see that large sign for the apple store down the hall, and then when i got to the door it was fucking closed! i'm pretty annoyed by that because now i have to wait until tuesday to try and get everything i need. damn damn damnn.

i also met up with my cousin today in gangnam. she came to pick me up and we went back to her neighborhood in hongdae to go eat and then for me to go to her family's house to see her parents.

my cousin's name used to be sueng-lee, which i guess means victory. but then she ended up changing her name to joon-ha, along with her brother bah-wee changing his name to soething i don't remember. anyhoo, we went to hongdae and she took me to TGIFridays, which is a big deal here. the food was good, tasted EXACTLY THE SAME AS THE SHIT IN THE STATES, but i guess ultimately that's the goal of those type of restaurants. taste the same in every country.

afterwards we walked to her house and i saw her parents. i really love her mom, she's loud and loving  as she's talking to you, but because it's her i have no problem with it. i just felt instantly comfortable with her, and we shot the breeze for awhile. she wants me to come stay at her house, and wanted me to sleepover tonight but i told her i would come back soon with a change of clothes and all that. anyway, it was great seeing her.

okay, so a few days before i came to korea, i got a letter from the korean embassy about my military status. i have the letter to my parents, and they were like "OHHH GREAT THIS SAYS YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO TO THE MILITARY FOR TEN YEARS!! YOU CAN LIVE IN KOREA!" of course i was estatic about the whole thing, and i made all the plans on being in seoul indfeinitely and whatnot, hoping to find a job and shit. but then i showed that same letter to my aunt before, and she says that's not what the letter is about. she said the letter is about something totally different. and i guess the bottom line is it annoys me that my parents misinformed me about what the letter said. i dont even think my parents read the whole thing, just parts of it, but my aunt showed me where it clearly said that it has nothing to do with my miltary status. so i guess now, i definitely will be going back to the states and must start searching for a job there.

i mean, all this is fine because i guess it just wasn't meant to be for me to be in korea for a long time. but what if i hadn't shown my aunt that letter, and i just went about with my life and made all these life altering decisions here. that's what really gets to me.

so yeah, i guess this is a 3 month vacation before i start working wherever. yippeee! within the next few weeks, i need to go to travel agencies and book tickets and stuff to go to like thailand and other countries in asia. i'm pretty excited.

okay, well i guess that's all for now. as soon as i get everything i need for my laptop, i'll start posting pics and all that good stuff. i hate not being able to use my own computer.

ok, bye all.

so this is my third day in korea. so far its been a trip. im still getting used to the culture and whatnot, but i think i'll be fine after a week or two.

i arrived here tues morning after a long 15 hour Korean Air flight. Korean Air (KAL) is an amazing airline. all the stewardesses are so nice, thin, tall, and pretty. they are really accomodating and amazing at their job. i hate flying in general, but the airline gave me the best experience ever. i highly endorse KAL if any of you guys are ever thinking of traveling to korea.

so i arrived here first thing in the morning on tues and my friend and her dad picked me up from the airport. i feel extremely lucky to her and her family because they treated me like a family member for the time i was with them. they live in ilsan, which is about an hour away from seoul by train and i guess it's like living in queens. i take a 2 hour nap when i get to their house, and then my friend's parents take me, my friend, as well as a friend of my friend to the DMZ. man, it was such a moving experience. we did the whole tour of all the museums and things there, and one thing that was pretty fun was walking in the '3rd tunnel.' in the 70s and 80s, south korea discovered 4 tunnels that the north koreans made under the dmz that go into south korea and close to seoul. its about 250 km deep, and it was pretty scary. another thing we went to was this looking point, which is the northern most part of south korea to look into north korea. the view was amazing and sad at the same time. there's an observation deck and you can look into binoculars and see all the villages and houses that are fake facades. everything is empty and you don't see a single person in sight. the whole thing was very moving.

after that my friend's family took me out to eat dinner at this restaurant that specializes in puffer fish. the soup was pretty good, but i felt really awkward about sitting to have a meal with them.

the thing is, i've noticed that this whole country is OBSESSED with weight and looks. all they talk about is losing weight, how to lose weight, what to eat, what not to eat, etc etc. now this is fine, but they talk about it in such neurotic and annoying ways, to the point where i just want to tell them to stfu. seriously, it gets old after awhile. and then after they talk about how theyre fat and have to lose weight and whatnot, they eat a fried ham and cheese sandwhich with globs of mayo, ketchup, and thousand island dressing in it.

but yes, i can not stress how crazy korean culture is about weight. my friend said that in the korean vocab, words for 'eating disorders, bulimia, & anorexia' don't exist. i thought that was pretty interesting. and everywhere you go, and watch on tv, there's ads with 1/2 naked people. and mann, the way girls dress here is insane. it's the middle of winter and you can't go 10 steps without seeing a girl in a miniskirt with high boots on. it's madness! and none of them are fat. seriously theyre all freaking sticks here.

another thing ive noticed about the culture is people are kind of rude. i dont know i guess i really cant explain it, and its different than ny rude, but i dunno it kind irks me. i just think overall that korean girls in korea have really bitchy attitudes.

so i'm staying at a hasuk in Gang Nam, which ive been told is a really upscale neighborhood. there are bars and restuarants everywhere, and at night the streets are lined with thousands and thousands of young people. last night my cousin timmy showed me around these neighborhoods and we went to a few bars.

so at one of the bars last night, i came out to my cousin. it was really hard for me, probably the hardest person i've come out to yet. but i knew i had to do it nonetheless, i couldnt stand the thought of spending 3 months here and not telling him. at first he was shocked and couldn't believe. he thought i was fucking around and initially even said that he doesn't want to believe it. but then he realized i wasn't kidding, and we talked and talked about it for the rest of the night. i really love him, and appreciate the fact that he's accepted me for who i am.

right now i rode the subway to hongdae and have been walking around alone for the past hour or so. i love walking around by myself and exploring the city. i'm at a seedy pc bang because i can't seem to get an internet connection on my computer, and cant even charge it because i havent been able to find a power adaptor. my camera, comp, and ipod are all pretty much out of batteries. i havent been taking as many pics as i would like, but i'm going to try.

i'll post the good ones up here, for the enjoyment of anyone who actually reads this, but also for me so i can read back on it a year from now.

okay, bye world.

i'm at JFK waiting to board my Korean Air flight to Seoul.

i can't believe this moment has finally come, it's surreal.

ok i am freaking out though bc there's no stores open that sell magazine or sleeping pills. i am fucked.

what does being in your 20's mean? i wish someone could tell me.

at the moment, i am trying to write my LAST college paper of my life that is due at ten in the morning. damn... i can't seem to get past the first paragraph, i have major writer's block.

what i really want to do right now is smoke a bowl and watch the 20th Anniversary Oprah DVD that my friend bought me.

so my college graduation is later today. yikes!

i got a haircut and i look like t-boz.

damn damn damn. my graduation is tomorrow too.

i'm done with 3 out of 6 finals, the end is near!

finally finished my senior work/memoir.

wow, i really can't believe that i'm actually done with it. it's surreal.

my senior work, which is a memoir i'm writing, is due tomorrow at 4:30. unfortunately i still have a lot of work to do, but am sure i'll be able to finish it in time. it's just so hard doing it... i've had to do a lot of soul searching.

anyway, all my friends have been saying they expect to read it once it's done. i'm just not sure if i'm ready for that.

burned out.

my graduation is in 3 weeks. it's so surreal.

anyhoo, i have THREE weeks of classes left as well. then my collegiate life as i know it is over.

i worked today at this store in soho that i've worked on and off at for about 3 years. it actually felt nice to be talking with people and doing customer service. while i know i'll probably get sick of it again, sometimes it feels good just talking to people.

anyhoo, nothing to really update about. it's my parents' 29th wedding anniversary tomorrow so they went away for the night to go upstate to some cabin. i have no idea where they're going or why, and i honestly don't want to know. it just makes me happy that they take aside some time to be with eachother. i feel that my parents' relationship witheachother has gotten better and better with time, sometime like this would've never happened to years ago.

also, my cousin's sister from AZ came into town for Thanksgiving and has been here since thurs. she's really nice and i wish i wasn't working this weekend to take them out.

happy thanksgiving.

i am thankful for many many things.

wow. i finished my paper but i am soo sleepy and tired at the moment.i have class from 10 to noon, and then another class from 6-8 with a 6 hour break in between. i'm thinking of going to watch a movie, but i'm afraid i'm going to fall asleep in it.

i really don't want to go to class, but i have to think of the brightside. in one month i will never be able to do this again. i should enjoy it while i can.

when i put my mind to it, writing does come to me at ease. you know i have to start getting a lot more serious about my writing. it's the one thing i have going for me. i look at other people who are goodlooking, rich, smart, etc etc and in the back of my mind i think, "i'm still a better writer than all of them."

while it might not be evident in this blog, i think my writing is pretty good.

anyway, i just need a good kick in the ass to take all this more seriously.

i have about 30 days until graduation. it's GO TIME until then.

ugh. drank way too much yesterday again. i hate the person i become when i drink, i've gotta cut back on all that. i woke up today at 4:30! 4 friggin 30! what a waste of a sat.

i love when people leave me comments, whether they're good or bad.

on a side note, tonight I WENT ON A DATE. not going to get into details, but it was really really bad. but i went on a date, finally, so i'm happy. i just rushed my ass home to change and get ready for this party i'm going to tonight at Pacha.

will update tomorrow about it if anything exciting happens. but i'm pretty sure nothing will.

i am so goddamn mfing drunk.

so much to say. will update about everything soon......

it's been YEARSSSSSS since i've partied... but next wed, i will be dancing my ass off here.

i want to go on a date.

went out again last might to several different places. too lazy to get into details, but i will talk about an interesting incident that happened to me at a karaoke bar in ktown.

after bar hopping last night, at one point i was at a friend of a friend's birthday party at chorus karaoke. the place is packed up the ass, and the crowd at the bar at this point of the night is about 4 people deep. so i notice at the table next to ours, there was a group of people that consisted of 2 celebrities. one was of that guy from clueless, the one that alicia silverstone tries to hook up with brittany murphy, but eventually he ends up liking alicia. also, at the table was erika christensen (correct spelling?).

okay, so i'm getting my vodka tonics at the bar and then at the moment, that guy actor was singing Eminem's Stan. i'm standing a little bit behind him, and when dido's parts come out i'm screaming them at the top of my lungs. his rapping to eminem was pretty good, and when those parts were over, he would hand the mic to me and dance as i sang the chorus. hahah it was pretty funny. i took a few random shots of them last night:

damn i am massively hungover at the moment. got home at like 5 last night, drunk as a skunk. one of my best friends, who is in med school at the moment, finally had the opportunity to go out last night so we all went out to celebrate with him. had dinner at this thai restaurant in chelsea which was reallyyyyy good. a few of our friends came about an hour late, so we killed two bottles of wine as we waited. then hit up la caverna and blvd on the bowery. it was a real fun night overall, we all danced our asses off. i woke up this morning to a phone call from my cousin in jail again.

in 2004, i went to Michigan in the summer to work as a camp counselor for a Korean-American adoptee camp. it was the first time in my life ever being exposed to Korean-American adoptees, and summer camp in general.

i had the time of my life, and loved all the kids i was in charge of. i havent gone back since that summer, mostly because i've been interning every summer since then, and also i hated some of the other staff that had been affiliated with the camp their whole lives.

anyhoo, one of my old campers recently found me on facebook and we started messaging eachother. he told me i "really had an impact on his life." wow... that kind of got to me. maybe there's hope for me afterall, and i actually could make a difference in someone's life. i always think that i'm too fucked up in the head to help anyone else, but maybe i'm just scared. i dunno.

this is like my fifth post in the past 12 hours since i've been home and trying to work on my papers that are due. ive almost finished my first one, i started it 46 minutes ago. i doubt i'll do the second one tonight, my mind it too scattered. after 2 redbulls, it's pretty hard to write an intelligent sentence.

holy shit. it's almost 3:30 and i'm only on the second paragraph of my first paper. i am such a god damn procrasinator.

on a side note, does anyone actually read this blog? yes i know, i'm pretty boring. ANDDDD, i'm lazy about capitalizing when i should and i make the stupidest grammatical and spelling mistakes that make me sound like an imbecil, but i'm too lazy to correct.

anyway, i realize my blog is visually really boring. so here are a few pictures i took for my photography class. these are all digital. i also have a whole bunch of great black and whites i took on 35mm but i haven't had time to scan them.

i feel so fucking burnt out. damn. i feel so down for some reason. i was sitting in school, all fine and normal and then all of a sudden i feel this strong wave of emotion and i just wanted to cry. i just wanted to be alone and cry.

i came out to two friends today, and it felt great.

i just got home from the LAMEST HOUSE party in Park Slope, BK. it was not only the worst halloween party, but the lamest house party ive been to in a LONG ass time, for reals.

the only good thing about the party was that they had Pot Rice Krispie Treats. i had a lot, even tho i usually don't eat too many sweets. anyway, now i'm home and i can't tell if i'm drunk or high... but i'm definitely fucked up by something. just because, before the party i went to Sea in Williamsburg and had like 5 drinks because my friends were about an hour late to dinner and i was waiting at the bar by myself for awhile.

i want to live my life without secrets. it's so much easier said than done.

i need a good cry.

im so stupid, stupid, stupid!

finally blogger is back up. i've been wanting to blog throughout the day, but it seems that the website was down or somthing was up with it.

okay, first is, i;ve decided to put down the peace pipe for awhile. because of it, i have not left my house in more than 48 hours and can not believe it's sat night already. wow, the past 2 days have been a BLUR. plus, i only have about 2 months until korea, and i want to start working out on a regular regimen. when i smoke weed though, nothing is possible. i barely have the motivation to leave me room, let alone do anything at all. so yes, as most of you don't know, i'm obsessed with starting things at the end of a day so that i can have a clean start after mignight. so after minute tonight, the peace pipe is gone!

ok, there was a lot more stfuf i wanted to write about, but my mind is scattered and burnt.

gee.

i'm working on my senior work, which is due in a month and 1/2 (AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!) and is a memoir of my life this far. a lot of it is pretty negative, with me reflecting on all the shit i've been through. but lately i've been thinking that maybe i'm being too harsh on all the things i've been through., i'm just really torn now and all my plans of how i wanted to write it are now all pretty much changing. it's so hard when you're actually in front of your computer, trying to write this. all the bad memories that i think of leave me exhausted at certain points, and i find myself just simply not wanting to get into it.

oh and PS, MY TICKETS TO KOREA HAVE BEEN PURCHASED! i leave on Christmas Eve, and come back on March 22. it's finally happening, it's pretty surreal.

i went rowing yesterday with my class on the hudson river. it was so damn beautiful. we could see jersey, the statue of liberty, and all these other famous landmarks from our boat. it was exciting.

also i lost my fucking ipod yesterday. the irony is, i lost it right before i was going to go to the apple store to get it fixed because it had broke two days ago. and i got to the apple store and realized i didn't have it. yeah, sucks.

here are some rowing pics.

blah blah blahhhhhhhh.

i have so much hw to do, but i've been procrastinating for the past 3 hours by cleaning my room, my school bag, my comp, and anything else i can get my hands on. damn i feel so lazy.

so yeah. nothing new to report. i went to the this national Oyster Festival yesterday with a friend. it was held at Oyster Bay in long island. i know! how apropos!!!!!! here's a few pics. also mixed in are a few pics from dylan's candy bar, which we stopped by after the festival in roosevelt field.

it is raining cats and dogs here in nyc!

damn its like 6:30 on a saturday and i feel sooo sleepy already. i just had dinner with a friend in williamsburg and had a vodka-tonic and i can barely keep my eyes open now.

anyhoo, i finally got my visa for korea! woot woot! now all i've got to do is buy a ticket and i'm good to go.

will update again later.

i am such a procrastinator. it's so fucking dumb of me, but i can't help but just push things off until the last minute. anyway, i banked out two papers in 5 hours, and then took like a 3 hour break of doing absolutely nothing but surfing the web. now i am on my third paper, and am pretty confident that i'll get all four done by 8 this morning.

why is it so hard for me to break my bad habits? ahh it drives me crazy. i honestly think sometimes it's my environment. it's hard to change things in your life when your environment stays the same. i feel that's true with many things in my life.

anyhoo. i went to the met yesterday for one of my papers, and have to go again later today for a class trip.

life is good, be humble. i wish i could think of those words when i'm feeling not so great.

i purchased 10 albums within the past week. i love music...

i think i'm sick. i'm not talkingabout physically either, i'm talking mentally. i have no idea what's fucking going on with me, but i just feel so fucking depressed. i was on the subway today and found myself digging my nails into my arms for no reason. i didn't even realize i was doing it until i saw some lady looking at my arms. i was so preoccupied with bad thoughts. damn, i don't want to be like this anymore. i don't want to talk to anyone anymore. i want to take a vow of poverty. i want to live a simple fucking life... i just want to be happy.

the god damn fucking city is driving me out of my fucking mind.

i haven't bought a magazine in over a week... i'm being so good...

am i a bad person?

why do i feel such anger in my life???

you know i say this to my friend all the time, and she tells me it's one of the most ridiculous things she's ever heard in her life, but i think i'm too happy of a person.

i need to cut down on the acting happy bullshit.

i just got this overwhelming feeling of depression.

omg i want to do something so bad.

i feel so restless and can not sleep. i have no idea why. my sleeping problems are so damn frustrating sometimes. i tried my breathing excercises, which sometimes works, but didn't today.

anyway, i had an interesting day yesterday. my cousin who is now living in my house, had never been to manhattan in his life. in fact, he came straight to queens when he moved here a few weeks ago, and has basically been working everyday since then.

so sat night i drank this whole jug of pinot noir by myself as me and him bonded and talked. he asked if i would take him out to the city the next day and i agreed in my drunken stupor. so i wake up hungover as fuck because he's been knocking on my door all morning, trying to wake me up. at ten i finally get up and shower, and we're out the door by 10:30.

i'm too lazy to list all the places i took him to, but suffice it to say we saw all the good shit. by the time we got home, i was exhausted as hell. so we get home and then i go out and meet some friends for dinner. blah blah, i get home and do some reading and school shit. i go to bed, but can't do anything but toss and turn. yeah. and viola, now i am here typing.

so a thought crossed my mind today as i was with my cousin. i asked him what type of food he likes, so i could think of which restaurant we could go to for lunch. i start asking if he likes pasta, indian food, thai food, etc. and then he said he's never had any of those foods in his life. he's 34... and i suddenly got real sad. not because i felt bad about asking him, but to think of myself where i grew up in a culture with only really one kind of food, i feel that's so unfair. the fact that he's 34 and has never had lasagna of pad thai in his life. i think it just symbolizes how lucky i am to have things that could be considered a luxury by other people, to have those things as a norm in my life.

i tend to bitch a lot about whatever, but lately i've been trying to humble myself as possible. if i think, "fuck i just missed the bus!" or "damn it i really hate how i look today," i realize how fucking stupid i am, and if THOSE ARE THE BIGGEST WORRIES OF MY LIFE, THEN I HAVE A PRETTY GOD DAMN GOOD LIFE.

of course, it's hard to always think like that, but i'm trying...

anyway, i've decided to start trying to add more picture to this blog, i feel like it adds some variety.

so here is a picture i took today:

tickets to Anna Sui's Spring 2007 Collection at Olympus Fashion Week!

so school's started, yowza!

my schedule this semster is a bit off, but enjoyable nonetheless. however, i've spent over $400 in books and supplies for the semester! madness! especially for a liberal arts school. i don't think i've ever spent so much in one semester.

tomorrow is friday. i end class by noon and have to go to the korean embassy in new york to inquire about some visa info. and then, hopefully i'll catch up on the pages and pages of reading i have. but i'll probably just frolick in the sun.

i don't think i've ever been so conscious of my race in my life.

what is it with people in this country? they can't get over the fact that there are non-white and non-black people here.

it's 2006 people, FUCKING GET OVER IT.

tomorrow is labor day, aka the end of summer. i start classes on tuesday, woohoo!

anyway, i have 4 months to save money for korea. it's on!

i can't stop listening to the Yeah Yeah Yeahs.

hmm. i've been so lazy these past few days. i came back to nyc last week. also found out that a cousin in Washington, DC, who recently came to the states, is moving into out house. he's 32 and i haven't seen him in almost 15 years. yeah, he's currently sleeping in my old room, since i've moved into my old sisters' room.

yeah... aside from that, i've been in a deep funk and depression. yay!

i'm in harvard square in boston.

i really needed to get the hell out of nyc so i came up here to crash at a friend's place for about a week. i mostly came here with the intent of getting a lot of writing done, but it's not happening so far.

what the fuck is wrong with me sometimes...

hate myself.

i just got home from a friend's party. man, for the whole month of july, it's just been constant birthdays and other engagements i attended, and i can finally say that it's all over!! i mean, don't get me wrong i loved celebrating all these occasions, but i am just exhausted from going out.

for the month of august, i will stay home every night and love every minute of it.

so today was my last day of work.

it feels extremely surreal... i still can't believe it... this feeling of not having work to do and relaxation is something i haven't felt since this past april.

anyway, i need to make a To Do list of all the shit i want to do before i start school in sept.

the possibilities are endless!

wow i have 7 working days left at work. craziness, i can't believe it.

anyway... i started re-reading The Death of a Salesman. I haven't read it since my sophomore year of high school.

blah, nothing else to say.

i have 3 more weeks until i finish work. weee i'm so fucking excited i can't even think. seriously, i'm in total "quit mode" about my job, where i no longer have the energy to do everything. i barely made it through the day, i can't wait for the weekend.

so last night i had the most sexual dream. i woke up feeling really... well, you know the feeling. yeah, i need to get me some booty real soon.

so the channel finally launched... watching it was pretty surreal, i couldn't believe it was happening. it's weird to see the past 3 months of my blood, sweat and tears finally surface as something i can see before my own eyes.

i just got home after partying with my fello coworkers. we all watched the launch of the channel in the office together, and then ate at Shilla, this really good korean restaurant in K town. afterwards we went to karaoke and i slipped out of it a bit early. you know, i have some coworkers i just don't respect. i left karaoke early because i felt that many of them were being rude to the workers and establishment, and seeing that just really fucking pisses me off. i hate people who just have no common sense... i have one coworker who i think really is unstable, she's the craziest person i've ever worked with. i can't stand her as a person, and especially not as a coworker. i'm going to talk to my bosses tomorrow and give them my one months notice tomorrow. i launched the channel, i did what i said i would. now i need to just not be there anymore, working there is slowly draining my soul.

today i had a bit of meltdown at work. i started to cry from all the stress, i just couldn't handle it anymore. i don't want to live like this... at a stressful job where i don't feel fulfilled at all...

anyway, i have a meeting early in the morning tomorrow. good night all.

wowee wow wow.

the channel is launching later tonight. i am so fucking excited that i can't even think. finallyyy, the day has come. i plan to get shitfaced tonight beyond comprehension, yay for me.

anyway, i found out i was in the korean paper in new york this past saturday. thing is, they fucking spelled my god damn name wrong, which i think is pretty hilarious. reminds of when i was interning at paper magazine, and they usually list the names of interns in the masthead. anyway, the first time my name was ever in the masthead of a magazine, this is what it said. "JHON SMITH." *NOT MY REAL NAME*

yeah, they fucking spelled my name wrong. it's tae damn it. so in this korean paper, they wrote "GHON SMITH." haha, i can't help but laugh at the whole situation, it's pretty funny.

i brought home a photocopy of the article, which my parents will see when they wake up in the morning. i got home after they went to bed and it's laying on our table in the living room. i hope they feel al little proud of me.

last night i had actual nightmares about work. i woke up about 4 times in a panic that i had programmed the channel incorrectly, and just freaked out about it. hmm, weird.

the channel is launching on Tuesday... wow. i can't believe i'm saying that. june 27th 2006 will live in infamy in my life. i fucking can't wait to get this shit over with, for reals. i truly feel unhappy at the place i work, and already have my plans of quitting in my head. it's weird, i tell my friends about it and they all tell me how lucky i am, and how there's so many other people dying to be in my position, but i guess the passion isn't there for me. this is just a minor stop in my life, and i feel it's not fair to me, nor the company. someone who's absolutely passionate about all this should have the chance to be doing what i'm doing, and the company is more than entitled to having someone like that.

okay, no more fucking work talk. i'm still trying to figure out some plan to go somewhere in august, but i have no idea of where to do. fuck.

ok time for porn, folks.

just kidding. (actually i'm not).

i can not wait until this week is over. stressssssssss. oh yes, the stress level has spiked, thanks to the launch of the channel being less than a week away.

so yeah. i was thinking today about the people who own the deli on the corner of my block. it's a Korean couple, and the dad is handicapped. it's sad to watch them at work because i just feel so helpless for them. and then they have young daughters who sometime hang around the store, and the whole picture just leaves me depressed. i think about this family's life, and all the struggles they go through. not to mention that when i went in the other day, they told me they got robbed days earlier.... i was just like, damn that sucks.

i try and go there as much as possible and buy everything i need, but in the end i just don't know how long they'll be open. hopefully it'll be for a long time. sometimes a grandma is at the store with them, just sitting there and watching the customers. i think about the life that she's had, growing up in Korea, and emigrating to the U.S. for a better life. did she ever imagine herself living like she does now? not that i am in any way putting it down, but i think it's not an ideal life that people dream about.

i'm very grateful that i've been able to have an education... to grow up in this country with the opportunities i have. if i had the decision to leave this country for a new country that my future kids would have a better life at, i don't know if i could do it.

therefore, i look up to all the immigrants out there. because in them, i see myself and the struggles that my parents went through.

okay, gonna go watch conan and get some sleep.

good night to whomever might be reading this...... SAY HI! (so i don't feel so alone)

i feel bad about griping to people about my life. i guess that's why i try to keep it to a minimum and do it mostly here on this blog.

speaking of this blog... i don't think a single person ever reads it anymore. but that's cool, because i guess it's more for myself rather than anyone else.

where you came from

god... it's like 4:17 and i feel completely depressed. i've been tossing and turning for the past 30 minutes in bed, unable to close my eyes because i have so many things on my mind.

i fucking hate my life. i think for awhile, work has kept me so busy that i haven't had time to feel depressed, but then it hit me... i feel so upset, and i don't know why.

i don't want to go to work tomorrow, or do anything for that matter. i want to have a nice meal with my parents and tell them i love them.

my life is pointless, i am here for no reason.

sometimes i miss people so bad. i miss them so badly that i think back on all the happy times we had together, and can't fathom how i'm actually able to live my life without them...

it's crazy. i don't know what has brought these sudden emotions on to me.

it's almost 3:30, just got out of the shower after getting home from work, and i feel delirious.

i have absolutely nothing to wear tomorrow to work because i haven't been able to go to the laundromat in almost three weeks. fuck man, i don't even have the time and energy to wash my clothes, i feel like a loser.

and tomorrow our new VJ for the channel is coming in to take press photos and all that. blah blah.

fun in the sun!

i feel like i haven't written an entry with substance in awhile.

so.

what's new world?

as for me, same old. my emotions are running high and thin these past few days due to work. i can't believe that the channel is launching in two weeks.... for the past few months, what has become my life, will finally launch and hopefully things will be a little bit more stable for me. it's funny because while i was finishing this past semester, and working 50+ hours a week, i was thinking of how happy i would be after my semester finished. i pictured living at the office for the weeks leading up to launch, doing nothing but breathing in work.

but now that the time has come, it's not like that.

isn't it funny that life is never how you imagined? i think of what i'll do or how i'll be at certain times, and i realize that life is never like that. i have to stop doing that.

it's funny because i've always said that i never want to let anything define me. being gay, korean, a new yorker, a college student, etc. i've never wanted to let a single category define me to who i am to others, but this channel has defined me. i've met so many amazing people through work, and i'm so grateful for that.

3 am and i just got home.

i'm in a paranoid state because i lost my keys. now i'm all worried that someone's going to be able to come into my house and rob it.

did i tell you that i found my FIRST ever grey hair yesterday on my head? i feel kind of proud because i have never had a grey hair in my life, and i feel that this solidifies all the stress and hard work i'm doing at my job. yay for me. i'm pathetic.

i can't stop eating these past few days. its soo bad because all i do is eat eat eat. woohoooooooooo.

anyhoo, i recently got some business cards. i feel so professional. my first business cards in my life ever, and it's from a company that isn't too shabby. my parents of course are estatic and have been giving them out like free candy to everyone that they know. cool.

anyway, i think in january after i graduate, i might travel around korea and maybe countries like thailand or something for two months. at least i'm going to aim for two months, but once again this is just one of my many failed plans of travel that i've planned throughout my life, so hopefully even going to korea will come through.

i had all these things i wanted to write about, but alas it is 1:30 in the morning and i have to shower and do my nightly routine of watching tv and reading.

later gators.

i am feeling sooo lazy.

i just watched hours of tv after eating a box of craft cheese macaroni.

now i feel too lazy to even wash my face or shower before i go to bed. yay for me.

anyway, i woke up on sunday so hungover that i could barely move, i was miserable. i woke up with dried blood all over my face, and my glasses were broken. i didn't get out of bed all day, and the most movement i had was turning my head to watch television.

yeah... drank wayyyy too much on saturday night.

but i work hard so i feel slightly justified.

good times... good times!

damn. it's friday and the weather in new york is damn horrible, no joke. it took me 2 and 1/2 hours today to get home on the subway because alot of the tracks were flooded.

anyhoo, i just got home and found that all my books i have stacked up on the head of my bed collapsed. i dont know how many books i have, but i have three columns stacked sideways that are each about 3 feet high. my sister always said that those books were going to kill me one day while i slept because they'd fall over on my face, but good thing it happened when i wasn't sleeping. i need to buy a bookshelf bad but i'm too lazy to get one, blah.

sometimes i get the urge to just cancel my cell phone and live in the woods all by myself.

i will live alone and die alone. that is my fate.

instead of bitching about inconsequential nothings, i'll think about others who are going through real life issues that have true effects on our lives. in the end, my job is just that, a job... and nothing more.

my condolences.

i feel like no matter where i am in life, i will never feel like i fit in.

world's on fire

i want to change the world... i want to help people... i want to give a voice to those without one...

3.5 hour conference call

it's almost six in the morning and i just got home now. today was a super long day at work. got in at 10:30 in the morning, and then had conference call at 9pm to korea, then another one at 1 in the morning to korea. the one that started at 1 ended at about 5 am. i'm beat.

mother's day yesterday was a complete success. i went and bought this sashimi platter for my parents and sister, along with some nice cheeses to slice up and eat as well. they all enjoyed their gifts and food, it made me happy that they liked everything.

okay, back to talk about work. i know, i know, it's all i talk about, but it's really consuming my life. sometimes i don't even know what to say about work anymore... and i'll leave mt thoughts at that. i had this whole long and profound epiphany that i wanted to share today, but i realize it's not even really an epiphany, just a tiny burst of thought that i had tried to make into something bigger, but i now realize it's petty.

what it all does come down to is, what do i value most in life? what is it that i find important and that i can't live without. i sometimes think i know, but then i'm always proven wrong.

anyway, need rest. good night world.

blah19

damn i am so exhausted. i can't believe i haven't written here in almost a week.

i had my last day of classes this past thursday. i'm elated that the school semester is now officially over, no more stressing about papers and all that stuff. woohoo. now i get to only stress about work.

today was a normal day for work. feeling overworked and stressed as usual, but enough about that.

but alas, it is a friday night and i can sleep in tomorrow. i'll probably end up going into the office anyway to get some work done, but at least it'll be saturday and the office will be empty for the most part.

i'm trying to write my final paper but i can't help but procrastinate.

i've come to the conclusion that i fucking hate writing papers. does that still make me a writer????

i'm very confused at the moment.

on a side note, yesterday i went to this small theatre in the east village that was playing all the films of the graduating seniors from the nyu film school. i went because my friend, who is a budding actor, was in one of the short films.

i think it's weird that i don't find it weird to see my friend acting and watching him on the big screen of a theatre. well about the short film he was in, suffice it to say his acting was good, but the film was soooo bad. seriously it was trying so hard to be artsy and for every fucking scene, it would completely fade to black. WHAT THE FUCK. every damn scene was like that! i couldn't help but roll my damn eyes each time that happened.

and for some of the other films, they weren't that funny but man, people in the theatre were going insane. i was upset because i thought that a joint had been passed around the audience and it somehow skipped me, and maybe that's why i didn't find the movies funny like the other people?

ok, well shit shit shit. it's 2:30. fuckerrrrrr.

blah18

i think my neighbor saw me making out just now with that guy i'm seeing. i really hate this feeling. i feel like such an anomaly, like i don't belong to society and that all actions i partake in my personal life should be shunned and kept hidden away from society. i hate this feeling.

now i have to write a paper for school that's due tomorrow. this sucks.

blah17

it hit me like a city bus out of nowhere. sitting in the passenger seat of my friend's car with the window half open, i could feel the early summer breeze whipping by my forehead and hair, and it hit me. i wanted to cry and crawl into fetus position and just dissappear. it's been awhile since i've felt like this because i've been so busy with work and school, and i guess today was the first time in awhile since i've had a moment to think clearly.

i feel so unhappy. everything i do in life seems pointless. the work i'm doing for my channel is something that most people would find fulfilling, but i don't. it leaves me nothing but stressed out, and i wish that i could live on a deserted island with nothing but meager food and the greatest books of all time. while my body would be malnurished, my heart and would be fed constantly, leaving me always fulfilled with reading about the lives and stories of the greatest people of all time.

i have too many expectations with my life, and sometimes i think that it's not all that it's cracked up to be.

blah16

3 o clock and just got home from work.

i had a great story to tell but i'll leave it for next time.

blah15

the rain tonight felt so good when i was coming home. it's been awhile since i walked in the rain with a smile, not thinking about the squishing sound my shoes were making with each step. it's about 10 o clock and i managed to come home today at a decent hour. things are getting more intense at work and i know that it'll only get worse, but then again i feel very lucky i guess. i see and think about people who i come upon and encounter with everyday, people who have less desirable and glamorous jobs than me, but who don't have the luxury to bitch and moan about it like myself.

i think about my dad who drives people around in his livery cab all day. i think about all the rude and crazy people he must encounter on a daily basis, all the people who treat him like shit and with no respect. that's when i realize that i am lucky... to be sitting in a cushy office under one of the most famous companies in the world. to not have to deal with people who don't who treat my like shit, because people i encounter for work are more than nice to me.

blah14

the weather outside looks amazing and i'm probably going to go out soon. i'm torn between going into the office to get some work done, or just doing some shit i need to get done. because i figure i'll be working a lot this week anyway, so i might as well enjoy my days off. BUT, i know i have a lot to do and going in today to do some stuff would help with my workload tomorrow.

so yesterday was pretty fun. went to this fun housewarming/ fundraiser thing with a few friends. i was reluctant to go because i'm not really comfortable at those kid of places, but it turned out to be fun. initially i wanted to leave because there were so many people, but after it thinned out a little, things got better.

afterwards went to a friend's bday party in the city at this place called Prey. man, that place really sucks. it was so damn crowded and the music there really sucks. my friend got a bottle of johnny but i was still too fucked from the night before so i opted not to drink.

after prey my friends wanted to come over to my office and watch korean music videos so we were there till like 3 in the morning pigging out on food and just hanging out.

my life is pretty boring.

blah13

man i had a rough night yesterday. drank way too fucking much, yuck!

i haven't been this hungover in a real long time. so i woke up today and even though i have no recollection of it, i apparently barfed on my floor right by my bed. i woke up to a big heap of throwup that i had to clean.

yeah, time to ease up on the bottle again.

Mirror

What in life really matters?

All the stressing that you do on a daily basis, will it really matter?

I don't know. I'm not trying to cop out from my job or anything, but what the hell is all of this ever going to matter in my life? Maybe it's the principal of having diligence in doing all things you're supposed to get done, but sometimes I wonder about the point of half the things I do.

blah12

last night was pretty crazy. went to 4 different places and ended up at Camel to finish off the night. i had a lot of fun, i think i drank too much. seriously woke up hungover this morning.

today has been such a lazy ass sunday. it's not even 9 but i want to sleep soon.

losing control

my friend's picking me up in about 25 minutes to go to the city for my friend jess' bday. we're having dinner at sapa and then probably heading over to koreatown for a few drinks and maybe go party.

shit, okay gotta go get ready.

lost

i have no idea of what has come of me this past week. on saturday i got extremely drunk and lost a VERY VERY important notebook for work. it's basically my notebook that i kept ALL my notes for the channel in. and after my drunken debauchery on sat, i realized i sunday that it was nowhere to be found. i had everything else in my bag other than that damn notebook, and also this anthony face lotion. but fuck, i couldn't believe i had lost it.

so now, im putting all my stuff away and i can't seem to find my wallet. i'm hoping i left it in my friend's car, and am waiting for her to call me back after she's looked in her car, but i really CAN NOT believe that imight have lost it. just the fact that i don't have it in my possession this moment really upsets me because i pride myself on never losing my shit. but fuck man, how dumb can i get? ahhh. its not the money i care about, it's my 2 drivers licenses that i had in it. damn, i don't want that shit floating around, it makes me extremely paranoid.

ahhhh. im such an idiot.

anyway. i can not believe it's wednesday night already. shit, when you have so much to do, the days just fly by.

blah11

damn, haven't had enough time to come here and blog for a few days.

mmm i swear i always think of all these great anecdotes and funny stories to write about that's happened to me, but yeah, can't think of any at the moment.

soo, i'll write about saturday night. my channel had this joint party and man it was crazy. well first of all, on sat i was up early and left my house by 10 to run errands alllllll day. seriously, running back and forth to get the flyers printed at kinkos, other work related things for the party, and also i met up with my friend from school because we're writing an investigative paper together. we went to jackson heights to do some reporting, and man, that in itself was crazy.

basically, our story is about fake IDs, and jackson heights is like the #1 destination in the east coast for people who want fake IDs, passports, greencards, whatever. so there's me and my friend who's this cute girl and when we went to all these places to get things, everyone thought we were narcs. but we did manage to hook up with these sketchy ass people who wanted to take us to this room to show us the IDs, but we realized that it was getting too dangerous. yeah, i felt extremely paranoid and knew we were being watched, either by other sketchy people on the team of people who make fake IDs, or by the cops who are always patrolling that neighborhood.

yeah, it was a great experience.

anyway, off to read.

"she works hard for her money..." damn right i do!

work work work work work work work. yayyyyyy.

was at the office until 2 am today, getting some shit done. blah. we did some interviews today for staff and theres so many people who want to work for the company. yeah, i guess i feel lucky to have my job.

but i have absolutely no time for anything else. cant even fucking to to jack spade to buy that new bag i want.

we have all these auditions tomorrow for on air people. should be interesting, gonna enjoy watching the people squirm.

"mmm what, what was i talking about?"

throughout the days i always think of so many things to blog about for when i come home. but then i get home and i've forgotten everything and no longer feel like writing, i hate that.

anyway, i recieved my company email and phone number today, so that was exciting, on top of everything else.

tomorrow is wednesday, and then the weekend is just around the corner. wow. time flies.

blah10

been such a busy busy day. i knew this job wouldn't be easy. ugh. i dont know.

anyway, tired, just got home. it's going to be a long 2 months.

blah9

i got a haircut today. it's back to my usualy short length, i look and feel much cleaner.

blah8

you know it's taking longer than i expected for me to adpat to the New York Times' new website. i find myself automatically X-ing my safari when i'm on it. all the stories seem so hard to find on it. and i'm not that interested in watching video clips. hopefully i'll get used to it soon.

so i just talked to my friend in alaska. he's probably my oldest friend, i've know him for ten years now. it's weird bc we talk only once or twice a year, but whenever we do it's so fucking natural and it's like we've been hanging out everyday. i say that's how you can tell who a true friend it. i told him about my new job, and that my plans to go back and visit him alaska are now not realistic since i'm tied dow to work.

i just finished writing up some work for this focus group i'm throwing for our channel. ugh, so much to do. but, "Happy happy!" that's what my boss says when he produces shows. before he yells action, he always says "HAPPY HAPPY!" to the talent. haha i love it.

anyhoo. that is all for today.

i can not wait until the weekend. now i realize why the weekend is so damn important. i actually kind of want to go out and have some fun, just because i feel like i need to relieve some stress. but you know what, we'll see...

blah 7

you know i wish i was really creative enough to come up with a catchy title for each entry i make, but im just too lazy.

well aside from that, today i had a meeting with a few of the top people from the network and it has been confirmed, i will be the programming director. in fact, immediately after the meeting, my workload has started. its crazy. im thinking of getting a blackberry because i'm sure that i will live off email from now on, it will be an imperative part of my life.

after work i went to koreatown and had dinner with my sister. i thought about coming out to her,but i don't think neither one of us are ready to deal with it. i know im not, even though i wish i was, and i know she's not. yeah.

its crazy because i still have class to go to... and i dont know how im going to manage everything until the end of the semester. im scared. even for tom morning, i have a ton of reading to do, on top of work stuff. this is definitely going to be a stressful time in my life.

after dinner with my sister, one of my good friends picked me up from the city and drove me home. i was so grateful because i'm beyond exhausted. i woke up at 5:30 this morning to go do my laundry before i went to work. i like doing laundry in the morning sometimes. no ones ever at the laundromat, and it's a bit serene there. i guess since i did write a whole fucking paper on my laundromat, it does hold a special place in my heart. pretty corny, huh? a fucking laundromat holding a special place in my life, haha.

okay on a side note, i realize i'm already starting to bitch too much about work. i'll try and keep that to a minimum.

with what's coming in the months ahead, i think one of the things that will be most upsetting is my reading time. i usually like to read as much as possible during the week, and i realize i have no leisure time for that anymore. whenever i can be reading a book or magazine, i can be reading documents and other work related stuff. all my New Yorkers and New York magazines will have to be put aside for the next 3 months.

hmmm

so i woke up today feeling totally nauseous. ever since i was told the news yesterday, i'm constantly nauseous and always on the verge of throwing up. well, at least i feel like throwing up. i had breakfast today at my house and on my bus ride to main street, i felt like i was going to puke everywhere. at work today i felt all day that someone was going to come up to me and tell me that there was some mistake that's been made. that i was wrongly promoted, and that i should forget everything i've been told. honestly if that happened i would be relieved, and kind of happy. but of course it didn't. anyway, i was on the bus coming home today and i realized that i shouldn't be so nervous. i thought about new bus drivers, and how nervous they must be on their first days on the job. they're responsible for the lives of every person that on their bus, and that's a lot to handle. then i tried to think of other jobs that hold more responsibility, and if they fucked up, then the consequences would be more dire than getting canned. well, there's a million of them, i'm sure you can think of some yourself. work today didn't feel any different than any other day. that's because other than one person in the office, no one really knows about my promotion, or at least i don't think they do because no one's said anything to me or seems to be acting different. also, since everyone still assumes i will forever be an intern, they're still givin me the same work as always. however, **** did not talk to me all day. it's not like she went out of her way to not talk to me, but there were a few opportunities where she could have but didn't. i on the other hand said hi and bye to her because her desk is right by the door, and i have to pass her when coming in and out. so, i have a meeting tomorrow at ten, then one at eleven. and plus i have to wake up at like 5:30 in the morning to go do my laundry before i leave my house. ugh... the life.

whoa nelly

today has been such a fucking surreal day. i told my one of my bosses that i was going to go into work late today because i worked like 9 hours on saturday and had shit to do. so i wake up and go pick up my paul smith shoes that i dropped off last week at the shoe repair place to get rubber fitter on the soles so i won't slip when i wear them. i come back home to drop them off and then go to soho to visit my old workplace, the chocolate store, which i haven't had time to visit in months. it's always nice to go back there because i'm still pretty much friends with most of the workers, so we always have a good time catching up. at about 1 i go to work and go to my cubicle and am told that one of the main people of our division wants to speak to me. i'm kind of like, "fuck!" because i had this powerpoint thing to do today and i didn't do it. so yeah, i go into the office and he asks about the powerpoint thing but i tell him that i was writing a paper all weekend so i couldn't get to it. he says it's no biggie and to hand it in later today. so then he starts asking me about my summer plans, and when my internship is finished. and let me just say that this is THE NICEST fucking guy i've ever worked for. soo nice, like i can't get over how much of a good person he is. so then he starts talking about the new channel launching in june and whatnot, and this is the kicker. he offers me to the position of program director, which is the head person of the channel. like the HEAD person, meaning that i will be the boss of people and all that shit. i couldn't believe it because... well im only 23, started interning here in january, and don't fucking know diddily squat about running a tv station. but then he reassures me that i will be taught everything i need to know, and that yes it's going to be insane and a lot of work, but that the position is mine if i want it. of course i say yes and for the rest of the day, i'm in awe. ME? running a fucking tv station on a network that is probably one of the LARGEST in the whole world.... wow.... even to think about it now is crazy. so, no one in the office knows and for the rest of the day, i walk around TOTALLY nauseated and am about to barf at any given moment. i swear, lately i get so nauseated from the littlest things. if i was a girl and having sex, i would believe i was pregnant, that's how bad it is. i can't believe, i'm gonna be program director of the channel. weeeeeeeeeeeee. i have total creative control of most of everything, and it's fucking madness! madness i tell you. but of course, there is a downside to all this. **due to legal and other issues, i will never use real names of coworkers and never reveal the company i work for. i've gone ahead and deleted all the times i've referenced it in this blog already** the downside to all this is, i don't think other people in the office are going to be very thrilled. i've barely been there compared to a lot of workers. also, there's a girl who i work with, we'll call her ****. **** is the program director for a sister channel, and i will be doing what she's doing now for the new channel. anyway, i've never really liked ****. **** isn't a nice person and has a lot of seniority in the office and i feel like she knows that and uses it to abuse people sometimes. so **** just turned 30, and i will be doing her job at 23. today i quietly approached her and told her that our boss, we have the same one, wants to start training me to do what she's doing for the new channel. now, up until now, **** has always been nice to me. i've seen her yell at bitch at other people for no reason, but she would never do that to me for some reason. she's always been nice to me, but honestly how could i like someone like that? well, i don't. so i told **** about my new job and basically am making nice and tell her that i'm going to have so many questions for her in the upcoming months and that i have EVERYTHING to learn. when i tell her, she looks like she got hit by a dump truck. and then she scoffs and gives me a "what the fuck are you smoking?" look because she doesn't believe me. then she goes back to her desk and starts emailing me questions that she's fucking asked me already like a million times. basically, if i'm graduating in may. i respond with no. she then asks when. then i say december, and she never responds nor talks to me for the rest of the day. WHAT THE FUCK. ugh, i know she's not going to make this new job easy for me. and the thing is, i NEED to learn everything from either her or one other guy. so the two of them will me my new teachers, even though i know they both probably despise me. but ****, i don't know, she's unpredictable and i'm think she's going to make the learning process for me as hard as possible. we'll see.... but yeah, in all honestly, i'm fucking scared. really scared shitless... this is the first professional paying job i will have and it's such a huge position, i do not want to fuck it up. i know that in the upcoming months, this job will become my life. anyway, i will be sure to update all the time now. i have no other outlet to bitch about work now. i feel bad doing it to my friends since i'm getting paid and shit, so i will do it here. cheers.

fucking sleep

i took sleeping pills around 9 today to sleep early, but it's been 5 hours and i'm wide awake.

anyway, i just wanted to blog about *CENSORED* magazine. i used to intern there last year, and i fucking HATED my boss. she was a total bitch to me who made all these empty promises and treated me like shit. even on my last day, she was in a different room when i left and i didn't even bother walking in to say bye to her.

so yeah, anyhoo, i have learned that after the May 2006 issue, the magazine will become defunct. YES, DEFUNCT, *CENSORED* will no longer exist.

when first hearing this, i couldn't believe because the magazine is doing extremely well and sales and circulation are pretty good. i thought of my own theory as to why it's getting shut down. my first thought was Men's Vogue. Men's Vogue has only released two issues so far, and anna wintour herself is one of the editors, so i'm thinking that since conde nast already has GQ, they want *CENSORED* out and want to take all their readers and hopefully have them crossover to Men's Vogue.

blah 6

i have work tomorrow and i totally forgot that i have this report type thing to do for one of my bosses. thing is, we're trying to come up with the *CENSORED* logo, and he just me what the channel had come up with so far. i looked at them and only about 1 or 2 were really good, but other people in the office who aren't korean didn't like them. but as a korean american myself, i thought they were worthy of being the channel's logo. but yeah, my boss gave me the logos to take home and think about what would make it better. and i didn't even think about that shit until right now, and i don't feel like doing it so im kind of fucked.

yeah, i have about a month left at *CENSORED* and still haven't decided if i'm planning to stay or not. my wishes of getting the fuck out of nyc for the summer get weaker and weaker, realizing i have nowhere to really go. so yeah... sucks. ahh! i don't know, i really dont wanna stay but we'll see. and even if i do stay, i dont know if i wanna stay at *CENSORED*. its too much fucking work. yeah its cool to be there, but its not my passion so we'll see.

hip hop chow

ugh. just got home from a shoot about an hour ago. fucking was there from 10:30 to 7:30. so damn tired.

we went to this new restaurant off st. marks called Hip Hop Chow. the place is sort of like a mixture of soul food, southern food, and chinese food. the food there is amazing, soo fucking good. they have these scallops and babyback ribs with hoison sauce that just falls apart in your mouth off the bone. and the owner/head chef was pretty cool. he seems young and is one of the nicest guys ever. yeah, but we were there for so fucking long, i wanted to kill myself.

and god, i can't even begin to describe all the crazy and rude people there are out there. seriously, we're fucking trying to shoot a show and some fuckers just don't want to let us. one guy came up to our cameraman with this camcorder in his hand and he got about 3 inches from our cameraman's face and started to film him. we told him to fuck off but he just wouldn't go away, no joke. someone had to like push him off to the side and tell him to go fuck himself. and even during all this, he's trying to film that guy and thinks he's all funny and shit. so he finally leaves, and when he does he runs as fast as he can for some reason and then my boss comes back and said that 1, the guy reeked of alcohol, and 2, that the camcorder he has wasn't even on and looked like it was broken. WTF. seriously, crazy ass people in this city.

i've yet to tell any friends about this blog.

lkjsadfvioqyp

i feel so awful. i just want to crawl under my desk and stay there forever. i don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. i just feel horrible. i need to get away from evrything i know. i need to get the hell out of nyc. im afraid of what'll happen if i don't. damn, sometimes i scare myself because i have no answers.

yeah yeah yeahs YEAH

new album is awesome. highly recommend it.

blah#5

nothing new to gripe about today. last night i came home exhausted after not sleeping and went to bed for about 10 hours. i love sleep.

lately i've been riding the LIRR (long island railroad) waytoo much. i'm trying to only ride the bus and subway lately, no cabs, no lirr, no nothing. i plan to see just how long i can go with only using my metrocard.

and still no plans for summer. argh, its driving me crazy. there's about 5 weeks left for school, and i really need to plan what i'm doing. yeah. still gotta call my friend in alaska and see if i can stay at his house for the summer. i mean, it's a small ass town in alaska, but i think the change would do me good perhaps. we'll see. and plus its been ten years since i've been back, and i've always dreamed of going back. i just need to make money! interning just aint cutting it for me anymore.

today was a good day at work though. some artists came to the studio and we filmed a show w/ them. they were pretty funny. our vj said that thety reeked of alcohol, which is typically korean of them because they we started shooting at 10 in the morning. anyway, they used the script i wrote, well most of it at least, so i was pretty pleased. woohoo! one more thing to ad to my resume.

stupid sun

okay it's 6:30 and i'm pretty pissed that i wasn't able to fall asleep ALL damn night. wtf man, now i'm going to be tired and cranky all day.

i'm sooo tempted to call in sick, but we have a shoot today that i helped coordinate, and i should be there. god dammit.

damn my insomnia

took my sleeping pills at 8, hoping to be asleep by 11.

around 10:30 i felt sleepy for about ten minutes, that's it. now i'm wide awake and have been since. what the fuck, why can't i ever sleep when i should?

well, at least i'm getting some reading done.

the truth

"i am gay."

why do those three words have so much control over my life? why does it create a wall between me and the life i've always wanted and between all the people i want in my life?

already friday

holy shit.

i can't believe it's already friday! spring break is over! this week went bt so fast, i didn't get anything done but whatever.

ok, no more getting stoned after this week.

blahhhh.

home alone 55

wow, i can't believe its already wednesday. time flies when you're not having fun.

so, day three of my spring break. some friends came over last night and hung out for a bit so it was nice to have company. also, one of them ended up sleeping over so i wasn't so lonely.

it's wednesday and i'm sending in work at *CENSORED* that should've been sent in on monday. BLAHHHHHHHHH. i shouldn't be doing work! i'm tanning right now on the beach and drinking beer!

well, okay im not but of course they don't know that.

UHHH....

OKAY, I JUST READ MY ENTRY BELOW AND REALIZE IT MAKES ABSOLUTE NO SENSE. NO MORE WRITING ENTRIES WHEN I'M STONED.

home alone 53

i guess this is the second installation of my spring break series.

just got back to the hotel after drinking 7 hurricanes and doing shot after shot of jose cuervo afterwards at the bar. cancun is crazy! wow. okay, well off to watch some wet t-shirt contests to see some more titties.

just kidding. but that's probably what most other college male spring breakers are blogging about.

i did nothing today but go to main street to run some errands in the afternoon. since then i have been home alone and am extremely bored. i've been watching a lot of tv and i realized that there is never anything good on to watch. it's better that i can watch logo without the thoughts of hitting the "return to last channel" button at the flick of a second, just in case someone in my family comes into the loving room and see's what i'm watching. but still, there's nothing to watch.

i realized that living alone in a house that used to have 4 other people, it's weird sometimes. it's different if you move into a new apartment alone, because you don't have any memories or events to compare to, but at an old place, you have everything to remember. all alone, i can only wonder how it was when both my sisters and parents and i were living here. those were some rough, dysfunctional times. yeah.

i feel extremely lonely. now i know how juju feels when she's home alone all day. (that's our dog). anyone want to sleep over? we can get stoned together and watch cable. i promise it'll be fun.

i've been doing a lot of thinking today. i can't recall about what, but i know i did.

oh yeah, if there was one thing i wish i could do, it would be to grow a beard. i wish i could grow a beard. this pathetic hair above my lip and on my chin is pathetic for a 23 year old, it looks like an 8th grader's fake mustache and goatee.

it's 1 something and i'm watching episodes of Roseanne on nick-at-night. this is my favorite all time show, i've watched every episode, except for the last 2 seasons because those were garbage. something about the show always made it so relatable, and roseanne is fucking hilarious.

sooooooooo. i'll talk about my upcoming summer. i still have no idea of what i'm doing.

i'm still stoned so i'm not sure if this entry makes any sense.

home alone 52

so, i'm in my living room, watching tv with the house to myself.

i brought out my laptop here since i'm mostly just watching tv out here. it's weird to be in my living room alone with my comp for some reason. can't describe it.

yeah, i don't think anyone else reads this. that's cool.

cable tv and chinese food aka wet tshirt contests in the bahamas

well, my spring break has officially started.

i've been exhausted these past few days because i feel like i've been working so damn much. anyway, we did a shoot last night and one today, and wow i'm so looking forward to not coming into work. i just got home from today's shoot and my feet are killing me.

i wanted to go into detail about both shoots, but i suddenly don't feel like writing about. maybe next time.

journalism101

i have a midterm paper due. i could write about anything investigative or where i interview at least 3 people for my piece, and i chose to chronicle my local laundromat that i've been going to for about ten years.

i just came back from the laundromat, i was interviewing people and washing my clothes. it's sad to say that even as a writer, this is really my first piece where i'm talking to total strangers and asking them questions. i was really nervous at first, but you know as soon as i started, it felt so natural. i loved talking to people and getting their opinions and their story.

anyway. i have this paper due tom by ten in the morning, and another midterm at 6 at night. between my two classes, i have a doctor's appt and i have to go to work. it's going to be a busy day.

but next week... starting next week i will be able to sleep all day and do as i please. here's to my last spring break!

nap a no-no

i just took like a 2-3 hour nap, and had the craziest dream ever. it was so weird because it felt so real and i was scared out of my mind. i guess it was more of a nightmare rather than a dream.

anyway, when i woke up it left me in a bad mood, which i'm still in. so maybe i'll write about it in detail next time.

blah3

wtf i spent $50 at duane reade today... damn, and all i got were razors, mouthwash, earplugs, tylenol pm, and some other small things. shit, that store must be worth millions in stock if my few items alone cost $50.

so my SR proposal is due tom. it's going to be a memoir. go me. i will finally have a reason to start writing my damn book.

it is yet to be titled though.

blah2

i feel angry and i dont know why.

i feel depressed and i dont know why.

i will sleep my troubles away.

another day, another no dollar

class in the morning. work from 12-6. class from 6-8. yow, tired. damn... i cant wait until spring break in 2 weeks.

and no, i have no plans of going to the bahamas or cancun. in fact i dont even want to leave my fucking house. my parents are going on vacation that same week, their first vacation in like 10 years, and i plan to buy massive weed, rent movies, and stay home alone for 7 days straight. damn, its gonna be fun.

today, class was pretty fun. my professor seems to like me for some reason, and he's always trying to get me to write for the school paper. i think im too lazy to write for the school paper, even though i would love to do it. who knows.

anyway, i have my senior proposal due next wed and i have to start. shit.

magazines

why do magazines make me happy? books also, but i would say magazines more. magazines amaze me... if a new issue comes out on the news stands, it could totally make my day into a better one. pretty sad huh?

ive been waiting for the new Vanity Fair for awhile and wasn't expecting to get it until next week, when it's scheduled to come out. but i was in grand central today and saw it in the window of Hudson News and immediately went in and purchased one. yeah, its still in my bag, i've yet to read it because i'm so excited about it.

insomnia

i can't sleep.

for the last 10 minutes i was rubbing my dog's stomach as she fell asleep on my bed.

sometimes i wonder what the hell she's thinking. i love dogs. they never cease to amaze me. when i get older, i want a golden lab. yeah, we're gonna be best pals.

anyway, i havent figured out what the fuck im going to do this summer. i have the option of staying at *CENSORED*, but for some reason it doesn't seem all that appealing to me. i want to go somewhere and just write. i want to stop being lazy and start my book already, even though i have no idea what it's going to be on. but yeah, this will be my summer... where i will be doing what i want. wherever i am, i want to take photography classes... that's a must.

18 yesterday, 23 today

a very happy birthday to my friend judy. judy, even though i know you will never read this blog, (because i have yet to tell my friends about it), happy birthday. happy 23... i hope you live to have 100 more, i love you.

speaking of becoming 23, when the hell did this happen? i turned 23 last month and it's weird because i always think of myself as 18. that was the best year of my life i would say. i was so happy and went out all the time without worrying about stupid stuff.

now i can't even be in a crowded subway, let alone a bar or club, without having a fucking panic attack. is this what getting older means? ive also realized that i have hit the 1/2way mark until my 10th High School Graduation anniversary. WOW. holy shit... that's some scary ass stuff.

well, today i was in editing all day with *CENSORED*, the executive producer of *CENSORED*, and i watched along as he edited *CENSORED* performance at the *CENSORED* studios. all i have to say is, *CENSORED*, who hosted the show, is awesome and i wish i were best friends with her.

blah.

i think being gay is the lonliest thing in the world. i feel so alone... that no one will ever understand or get me, that i'm destined to die without having loved someone with all my heart...

working for *CENSORED*, i dont know. well, interning i mean, i dont know. i want to live alone in the woods and chop my own firewood and live off wild boar and caribou that i catch with my rifle. sometimes i feel so tired and sick of nyc. i cant do this place anymore. its the lonliest city in the world... and i just want to go far far away where i can live my own life and be happy.

but what if i go far away and live my own life yet im still unhappy? i wouldnt have an answer to my problems... no quick solution to what will make me happy and what i want in life.

i dont know. i just feel lonely and i wish i wasnt me. i wish i was born a wild horse, roaming land by myself and running free without a care in the world.

who knows what will become of me. i want just one person to fall in love with me and i want to change their life... i want to think that their life before and after meeting me is no way the same.

if only.

hmm

who do i write for? i dont even know how to answer that question anymore.

anyway, me and jess went to kissena park today and ran about a mile. then we went to McDonalds through thr drivethrough and came over my house and ate. what a waste of time.

i promise

i promise that i will not delete this blog like i have for the tens of other ones i used to have. i have this bad habit of throwing stuff away, no matter what it may be, whenever i'm in a bad mood. it always makes me feel better. i usually just eye my room and look for stuff to toss. there's nothing better than seeing trash bags full of my old stuff that is heading for the garbage.

like usual, i'm going through one of my bouts of insomnia. buying stuff off itunes always helps, its like my crack... minus the pipe and lighter. i live for itunes. i love buying music. however, sometimes i get a little too excited and buy something i would never buy in a store.