More street dogs of Bangkok.

The Solitary Man.

He's glamorized in movies, these sorts of protagonists in books are often looked at as heros, and television as well sometimes helps these rustic characters come to life as nonconformist recluses. However, what people might not consider is---what about all their quiet moments of loneliness that add up to a substantial amount of interaction-withdrawal?

When every meal is practically eaten in companionless tedium? When the urge to just shoot-the-shit with somebody comes, but there's not a single person to beckon? When the only person that can help with a small favor is yourself? When, what should be, the simple interactions of daily life are thwarted by a language barrier? When something exciting or notable has happened, but there's not a single person that it can be shared with? When everyone around seems to be laughing and enjoying other people's company, and the only thought that comes to mind is get me the fuck out of here? When the people that could provide the best support are literally thousands of miles away? When you're actually able to meet up with someone after a long while, but then you realize that you're only meeting them out of boredom and that most people don't know how to fucking listen anymore because they're too busy talking? When an incessant stream of thoughts fill the void left by the vacancy of others? When insomnia has taken over once again and lying next to a warm body would be the best medicine? When the only function of a cellular phone becomes using it for its alarm? When sitting in a busy area and staring out a window for hours becomes a norm? When the aftereffects of laughing until keeling over is too hard to recall? When everyone seems to have moved on with their lives to find something of their own, and you're trying to find your own happiness within yourself?

Spending most of my time alone for the past two years since I left NYC has changed me tremendously---and with anything negative, there have also been many positive life-lessons as well. 

I was used to doing some things solo back in NYC, but all of that has entered into an entirely-new stratosphere since arriving in a new continent... and when I think about it, I wouldn't have it any other way.

This week will mark my two year anniversary of leaving NYC, and I'm still trying to figure out what I've accomplished all this time.

Will this even matter tomorrow?

I'm a true believer in the idea that some people are just destined to cross paths.

A mother of a student I tutor (previously written about HERE), recently served some of her homemade macaroons again. As someone who prefers savory to sweet, I have to say that her macaroons are just heavenly. I stopped myself after having three this time, and that fresh strawberry-something in the middle still has me thinking about it. 

Whenever his mom gives us any of her homemade desserts during our sessions, I always tell the student that he's one of the luckiest boys in the whole wide world. 

To all of the men and women who are so courageously serving in the American military, thank you for all that you do.

Thinking about the realities of war and all of the people it affects around the world is enough for me to always be grateful to have a life that's free from all that. And to think of all of the Americans who are doing their part to help make the world a better place, well I just want to thank you.

Happy Memorial Day.

Humility cures everything.

.

Sometimes, I need to just call someone and hysterically sob on the line.

"Above the front door, chiseled into the glass, is the slogan of the studio: ART IS WORK.

For Glaser, the quote summarizes his creative philosophy. 'There's no such thing as a creative type,' he says. 'As if creative people can just show up and make stuff up. As if it were that easy. I think people needed to be reminded that creativity is a verb, a very time-consuming verb. It's about taking an idea from your head, and transforming that idea into something real. And that's what's always going to be a long and difficult process. If you're doing right, it's going to feel like work.'"

From the book Imagine: How Creativity Works, by Jonah Lehrer. Page 55 (e-book edition).

"If it's magic...
Then why can't it be everlasting..."
       
If It's Magic from Stevie Wonder's album, Songs In the Key of Life.

I could listen to this song forever.

It's funny what the brain remembers.

To be able to veg out on a friend's couch while talking and watching something entertaining is something I really miss.

Desperation.

Here are some more photos that I recently took here in Bangkok. 

My favorite is the one of what (I'm assuming) is a poster of shoplifters, which suddenly appeared one day in a 7-11 that I've been frequenting for awhile.

 

Damn, it is really hot out.

I need a really, REALLY good cry.

I think it's time to stop being lazy and start typing correctly.

i really need a friend right about now...

spending most of your time alone really does make you evaluate a lot of the different relationships in your life.

"I'd love to stay and party but I gotta go to work."
       
From the song totled, Get a Job, by Gossip.

street visuals of bangkok.

i need to make some serious changes in my life.

until recently, i've never really had this sort of goal, but i've truly come to realize that i want to eventually have kids and raise a family with someone. it's been a mixture of factors that has changed my views on all this, one of which would be all of the historic changes that are currently happening for lgbt people in america.

while growing up, the idea of getting married and having my own family never even crossed my mind. because i knew i was different, all of that just didn't seem like a reality for me so i at no time even considered it. this conclusion didn't result from any homophobic message i ever encountered, but it was just my natural state of thinking. i mean i never felt sad or bitter about it as a kid, because i didn't have anything to compare it with and say, "oh wow, other gay people have done that, so that means I can do that too." even for my age of 29, while growing up, there were no openly lgbt role models around. my house usually always had cable tv and i've been in-tuned with pop culture since i've been very young. i can recall watching mtv and being amazed by janet jackson's music video for "black cat" when i was in the second grade. my first magazine purchase was in the third grade and was a copy of "disney adventures" with jennie garth on the cover wearing a red dress. but even through all of that pop culture exposure, i can surely recall that i was never exposed to any gay stuff until ellen famously came out on her sitcom.

with that mentality, it's quite easy to be detached to the dream of having my own family like most people. i always just imagined myself with a career that i love instead, and everything else i wanted to accomplish was sort of secondary.

but things have changed. actually, they've completely changed.

since arriving in bangkok, i've been working closely with a lot of young people to help them with their own writing, and it's changed my life immensely. words can't describe how much i enjoy being around young people. they give me hope in the world, and have helped me look at life in such a new light. conversing with them is something that i especially enjoy. i simply try to talk with them in a way that i wish someone had talked to me when i was a kid, and for most of them, i've happily discovered that this form of communication remarkably does work. i often find myself wanting to just teach them all the lessons i've been fortunate to have already learned on my own in order to give them a strong foundation that will help them when they're off learning their own lessons. as adults, it's our duty and responsibility to allow young people to thrive and become who they're destined to be, and the old adage of "it takes a village" really does come to mind. from all of this, i've come to realize that i too want my own children to raise right and send off into the world. i think because of my own childhood and issues, i never really considered making this a part of my life. but now as an adult, i know that with my committed partner/soulmate, providing a loving and happy home for spiritual beings is a part of my destiny. and if that dream per se doesn't come true, i still want to be able to do my part to humanity and contribute to young people somehow.

with all of the historic changes currently happening for lgbt americans on top of President Obama recently going public about his thoughts on gay marriage, i now feel like i have new aspirations in life in addition to just my professional ones. being born gay in these present times truly does feel humbling and historic, and i hope to see the day where all of this isn't even an issue anymore.

as for now, i will leave you with this week's cover of the new yorker, which i think so aptly captures what's happening this moment in history.

(i thoroughly enjoyed this week's cover and it took it upon myself to produce these images to post on my blog with my digital subscription to the new yorker. all rights are reserved by the new yorker and will be removed upon request).

when did manners stop being a priority for people?

"I've been told, you know, numerous times 'there's guys that like big girls!' I don't want a guy that likes a big girl. I just want a guy that likes me---I don't want a chubby-chaser. My relationship with food has very different dimensions. Food can my best friend. Food can be my boyfriend at the moment. Food can be a vacation to the beach that I can't afford to go."
 
said by a young woman on hbo's new documentary series about obesity in america: weight of the nation (via npr's fresh air).

i totally empathize with this girl.

episodes of this hbo documentary are currently free on itunes, so i've already been able to check out a few of them. it's very well made and there's so many different things i was able to learn from it. please go check them out too if you're interested at all.

the weather has been VERY hot as of late. 

thankfully though, it hasn't been that humid and it's only rained a handful of times within the past few months. but like i said, it is still really really hot. i basically sweat all day just from walking around to get to where i need to, and today i had to ride the ฿6.5 air conditioner-less bus to run an errand. i was fortunate enough to grab a window seat in the very back, but it was still scorching on the bus. luckily, sticking my head out the window to feel some air helped cool off a bit. the sky was particularly nice to look at, too. 

thank you, bangkok, for moments like these.

i could only fall asleep for three hours last night, and my entire day earlier today was spent daydreaming of being in bed.

now it's 2:30am and i've been in bed for the past few hours, mostly reading and listening to podcasts to fall asleep---but to no avail.

oh sleep---why do you taunt me?

"Every creative journey begins with a problem. It starts with a feeling of frustration, the dull ache of not being able to find the answer. We have worked hard, but we've hit the wall. We have no idea what to do next.
 
When we tell one another stories about creativity, we tend to leave out this phase of the creative process. We neglect to mention those days when we wanted to quit, when we believed that our problems were impossible to solve. Because such failures contradict the romantic version of events---there is nothing triumphant about a false start---we forget all about them."
 
imagine: how creativity works by jonah lehrer. page 15-16 (e-book edition).

i recently had to print a large amount of word documents, and found this printing place on sukhumvit soi 29. 

the owner of the shop was very nice, and from the get-go, i appreciated the fact that he didn't try to overcharge me or rip me off in any way. 

we talked for a little bit, and i eventually ended up asking some questions about his business. he told me that it's been open for more than 30 years now, and that he's seen the neighborhood change immensely in the past three decades. then he immediately started talking about his "KIP MARK II SHACOH 36" printer, which he told me was the first one ever in thailand. the machine is quite old now, but it's still a massive beauty, and i could tell how proud was is of it. he also noted that while other KIP MARK II SHACOH 36s did inevitably arrive in thailand after his, he believes that his machine is one of the last ones remaining in the country---and even if others do still exist, he was certain that his is in the best condition. 

another thing i really loved was that behind the KIP MARK II SHACOH 36, he had an old-school panorama of nyc.

the memories come flooding back.

it would be nice if people came over more often. thankfully, the past twelve hours was enough to recharge me for awhile. 

thanks to su noona for listening.