sometimes i feel like i'm 18 and living my life for the first time.

i've had so many first-time life experiences within the past year, especially the past 4 months, and with each passing day i'm learning so much more about myself.

i finally am no longer living with my parents, and feel this indescribable weight has been lifted off my shoulders. i feel like i can finally be myself and live my life how i want. no more hiding my life behind my room door. no more talking in a monotone voice because that's how i naturally speak if i'm not 100% comfortable. no more soul-sucking commute. no more having to pretend that i am someone that i'm not.

i've been living in the Upper East Side since november and it's great and all, but everything's so temporary and i've been living out of trash bags filled with clothes- i haven't really unpacked anything else. i dont cook here or have any of my stuff out. i basically watch tv, sleep, shower, and that's pretty much it. i was originally staying here with the intentions of moving out with a close friend in january, but those plans fell completely through so i had to find other living arrangements. i looked on craigslist and found a bedroom in a 2-bedroom apartment in astoria, queens. my future roommate seems normal and nice, and i'm hoping that we don't have any problems living together. i guess we'll just have to see. there's no living-room in the place and the only common areas are the bathroom and kitchen, which is fine with me, i usually like being alone when i'm home and can be found in my room anyway. it's going to be exciting to feel like i finally have a home again, somewhere i can just go and relax. i can't wait to have a place to call my own... plus, i don't have a lease which is good because if any living arrangements with friends come my way, i'll be able to take them into careful consideration.

another of many lifetime-firsts in the past few months is dating. i've been seeing people here and there and have been having a great time. for the first time i've been able to meet others that i hit it off with, and have met some really nice guys. i think it's taken me 24 years to date because i probably wasn't truly ready before. now, i feel confident about myself and my life, and maybe it shows in my walk or how i carry myself, but i guess others seem to notice. it probably also has to due with the fact that i've lost a substantial amount of weight, and haven't ever felt this attractive in my adult life. it's so exciting to go out and talk to people. whereas in before, i would go out and spend hours somewhere and not speak to anyone new. or if i was introduced to new people, i'd always be jaded and do the whole "be cold to everyone and you won't get hurt" thing.

this is the first year where i feel like i've truly gotten to know and love my sister as a sibling, woman and just as a normal person. i feel that coming out to here was a huge step in this because before i did, i always thought that i never really liked my sister. and i absolutely know in my heart that i felt like that because i didn't ever want to get close to her and let her know that i was gay. but with nothing to hide now, i feel i'm being a true brother to her for the first time in our lives. now we talk all the time and i tell her absolutely EVERYTHING that's going on in my life, haha but i'm not sure if that's a bad or good thing in her opinion. i feel this amazing bond with her that i feel only siblings can feel- we just completely get each other. imagining my life without her or thinking about having the type of relationship that we used to have just makes me so sad, and i know that'll never happen. i'm truly so happy and proud of the woman she's become, and can't wait to see what the rest of our lives have in store for us.

this is also one of the first years in my life where i finally didn't just find a job, but i found a career. working at my current job is just an absolute dream, and i feel truly blessed. i know that i'll be here for a while, and it's such an awesome place to learn and start what will hopefully be a long career.

there are so many other things that has happened, but i'll leave that for later entries.

i hope everyone has a safe and enjoyable new year's.

what a difference a year makes.

this has been the longest work week i've ever had.

one more day...one more day!

i don't think i've ever written about my dog, Juju.

one day in 1999, my sister came home with this tiny little chihuahua, a poor street dog who had almost no teeth and had definitely lived a hard life. we didn't know where she came from or even how old she was- everything about her past was a complete mystery. my family had never had a dog, and at first it was difficult to embrace Juju and open our hearts to her. she seemed more of an inconvenience than anything else. feeding her and taking her outside were all chores that we didn't want to do, especially my parents. they seemed indifferent about her and my mom always seemed a bit afraid of this tiny little dog who constantly shivered and always wanted her tummy rubbed. but with time, everything changed and we grew to love Juju as another member of the family. my dad especially came to love her the most, and became the most protective of her. he fed her, bathed her, took her to the vet once every three weeks, and could be found every morning at 6 AM, walking her.

i loved it when Juju would sleep in my room. she was so tiny and always liked to sleep on my pillow. every morning when i woke up, i would open my eyes to see her curled up into a little ball, with her soft fur touching my cheek. another thing she'd always do is whenever i was stomach down on my couch, she would curl up into a little ball between my thighs and take a nap.

on friday, juju had to be put to sleep. her old age had caught up to her and on top of slowly losing her eyesight, she hadn't been able to eat or use the bathroom for the past 4 days. she stayed up all night crying and wasn't able to do much else. my dad took her to the vet and was told by the doctor that there was nothing that could be done to help her, and that she was in a lot of pain. he suggested putting her to sleep but my dad refused. he took her to another doctor for a second opinion and was told the same thing. he reluctantly accepted the truth and knew what had to be done...

i'll miss you Juju, r.i.p. thanks for sharing your life with us and enriching our family in a way that is describable beyond words.

i had dinner at lil frankies today. if you're ever downtown around 1st ave and houston and in need of a place for dinner, look no further! the food here was amazing, and the prices are very very reasonable.

i also wanted to share a boring story about the anna sui t-shirt i'm wearing. it was given to me awhile ago by judy (girl with bangs), who happens to be one of my closest friends and a designer at anna sui. the t has a picture of a very sexy woman with her boobs kinda popping out. well, i decided to wear it on friday because i have casual fridays at work, and i choose the day to express myself with clothes i would never be able to wear mon-thurs. i get to my office and ask one of my coworkers about what she thought. while she said it was great and loved the design, she mentioned it might not be the best thing to wear around the office. hearing that instantly made me paranoid, and it's funny because right after that happened, i was walking to pick something up at the printer and i saw the Editor-In-Chief of the magazine standing right in front of me. i instantly crossed my arms and ran to the bathroom to flip the t inside out and wore that until the clock turned 6. yes- i know, boring story indeed.

here are a few pics from the weekend. it's been a while since i brought out my camera.

i love sunday mornings like today.

waking up and lazily lying in bed while watching the snow fall outside my window is the greatest way to start a new day.

i miss you.

i'm pretty exhausted but i wanted to make sure i wrote an entry today.

tonight is my last night sleeping at my house. i'm going to sleep at the UES apartment for the first time tomorrow, and then come back to my house in Queens on Wednesday after work to move the rest of my stuff out of here.

i have to say that knowing that this is my last night in my house is a bit weird. i find myself feeling a bit nostalgic, and can't stop thinking about all the memories i'll have of this place, both good and bad. today i started doing some heavy duty cleaning and threw away some furniture and my tv! oh man, it's such a weird feeling to not have a tv in my room... everything feels so quiet and eerily empty. does anyone else know that feeling? when you're moving into a new place or moving out of an old place, and you have no tv and the house just feels so odd? yeah, that's what i'm feeling right now.

since i've always been comforted in my "throw away therapy," meaning whenever i'm in a bad mood i just throw stuff away, i didn't think i would have much stuff to move. in all honesty i dont, but i have a massive amount of books. it's crazy that i never realized the amount of books i really have. aside from that, i have some clothes and that's pretty much it. but i still sort of feel like i have too much stuff. it's good because i've come to realize that materialistic things don't really matter as much as they used to. in fact, aside from books and digital music, i don't really like having anything. just looking at all the boxes in my room now make me cringe, i can't even imagine how much stuff i'd have if i didn't do my "throw away therapy."

sighhhh.

it sucks that i have work tomorrow and that i can't enjoy my last night here. i'm completely exhausted and know i have to get up early so i guess that's it for now.

good bye home... thanks for the past ten years. now it's time to move on and make some new memories in different places.

everything in life is just so overrated. nothing excites me. i'm not trying to sound all suicidal or dramatic, but honestly nothing excites me anymore. i need some new hobbies.

i must admit that working for an epicurean magazine has its perks. i get to go to some awesome food events, and my knowledge of high quality cuisine is expanding with time.

tomorrow night, i'm going to attend SWEET. it's boasted as "new york's biggest desert festival," and there's supposed to be a great line-up of food network personalities and others giving cooking demonstrations and providing samples, woohoo.

but before SWEET, my boss is going to take me to newly opened Lunetta. i'm so excited to try this try this place, i am so ready for some good food. i've stopped myself from googling the place too much because i'm hoping to go in absolutely surprised.

anyhoo, just wanted to share a pic i took with my sister earlier tonight. went to dinner and a bar after (no, i did not drink) in koreatown.

i can't wait until it snows.

woah, thanksgiving is next week... that's madness!

being broke and almost homeless is really starting to stress me out.

i'm not going to write about how lonely i am anymore. well- i'm at least going to try not to.

let's focus on the all the good stuff in life, shall we? i'm happy at work, i truly feel blessed to be where i am. man, just a month and a half ago, i was jobless and without any direction in my life. while i'm still without direction, i do have a great job to keep me busy until i figure out exactly what it is i want to do.

this past weekend has been a nightmare. not sure what triggered it, but i fell into this deep, cavernous hole and i'm at my wits end.

i still feel like i'm crawling my way out- digging my nails in as deep as i can to get myself out of this place... i'm trying, i truly am.

i've been listening to this song non-stop all day, 룰라- 친구를 보내며(신정환 Theme).

룰라 (Roo'Ra) has always been my favorite korean singing group. i grew up listening to their music. their different songs and albums all bring me back to special moments in my life. they invoke in me memories of being a happy kid. i have no idea why i'm writing about 룰라.

life is a blur.

indifference is a bitch. lately, it feels like i haven't been doing a lot of things i should be.

i need to get out of this damn funk, this week has been a rough one.

maybe i'm just in need of a hot shower and shave? that always makes everything better.

i want to disappear.

it's all downhill from here.

.

i left my phone at home today due to being in a rush this morning as i was getting ready for work.

i just got home and checked for any messages, and i didn't have a single missed call or text message. i don't know why, but pondering that made me really sad. to think that throughout the day, not a single person was looking for me or wanted to talk with me, it just makes me feel very lonely.

...maybe i should be careful of what i wish for, because i think it's actually come true.

whatever, i'm just throwing myself a pity party. i'll get over it.

here's an update for the sake of updating.

these are some pics i took in chicago last week. the weather was beautiful.

this past week of work completely wiped me out. it's a rainy and gloomy day here in nyc today and i'm in bed with my mac, doing absolutely nothing and loving it.

song of the moment that i'm obsessively listening to: Carrie Underwood- I Know You Won't.

this song is fucking amazing, it'll blow you away.

i'm talking to someone who i truly like and makes me content.

that is why life is good.

so much to write, i don't even know where to start.

i got a promotion last week at work, after only being at the magazine for 2 weeks, yes- 2 weeks! a position opened up and i approached my bosses, telling them i wanted to pursue it as aggressively as possible. i explained that it didn't matter if i didn't get the job, because i just started and have so much to learn, but if i let the opportunity pass without being vocal about it, i knew i'd regret it forever. the job i started at was the entry-level position that required at least 6 months of work before you could be promoted within the magazine. the girl before me was at this job level for more than one year and decided to leave the magazine because she was never promoted. anyhoo, i approached my boss and she set up some interviews for me with the top publishers of the magazine and i prepared this presentation and everything. i found out the job was between myself and this girl from esquire, who had pretty much had the position until i threw my hat in the ring.

suffice it to say, i ended up getting the job and am really proud of myself. it's exciting because i'm going to be on the masthead and all that good stuff. i grabbed it and got it for myself. why would i spend a year at a position when i know i can try and get promoted to a job that i would eventually want to be at in a much shorter period of time?

i'm actually going to chicago this thurs morning for work and coming back to nyc on fri. i'm excited because i'm staying at the hard rock hotel in chicago and i'm really looking forward to taking a bath. i never get to take a bath at home because our bathroom is a shithole, so i always look forward to staying in hotels. i remember even when i was in thailand and japan, i took a bath every night in the hotel rooms. i loved it.

speaking of my shithole bathroom at home, i'm moving out! it's a long story, but i have to be out of my house by thanksgiving and i think i'll be staying at my friend's place in the upper east side for a little bit.

things are changing so fast that i feel like my head is going to spin sometimes.

i don't know why but i just felt this sudden downpour of despair.

life is good.

every time i use the bathroom at work, i remind myself to blog about this.

this is to all the guys out there.

pubes in the urinal-- why? no, seriously, why???

WHY DO GUYS PUT PUBES IN THE URINAL??? who the fuck does that? every time i go pee at work, there's always pubes in the damn urinal. and no, they don't all look like they're from one person either.

guys, do you just whip out your dicks and pull a bunch of pubes out afterwards, sprinkling it in the urinal like magical fairy dust? it's as if pissing in the damn urinal isn't enough to mark your territory, you have to leave some hairs too? i just do not understand it. ok, i can understand maybe one or two falling out when you open your pants, but judging from what i see at work, that is definitely not the case.

to all you serial pube droppers out there, stop the madness!

i'm craving the banana pudding from magnolia bakery. honestly, i've never had one of their cupcakes. i know its what they're best known for, but cupcakes just ain't my thing. but put any banana or citrus flavored dessert in front of me, and oh man i can go to town.

the banana pudding from magnolia is just fucking amazing. i recently only discovered it this past year, but i find myself craving it sometimes. ugh, and i haven't gone to the gym in a week! i've been feeling so damn lazy and tired these days. all i want to do is eat and be sedentary.

i started work yesterday and so far so good. i'm going to hold back from writing about how much i love it and shit, because it's only the beginning and i know that i'm always like this at the start of any job.

however, i do know that i want to throw myself completely into work and forget about everything else in my life.

here's a fun story about a miserably hot nyc summer night.

a few weeks ago, on a hot and humid summer night, some friends and i were hanging out with my sis. we went to a few bars in the l.e.s., and afterwards while walking back to the car, we saw this large painting on the street. someone was throwing it away, but it was in great condition and wasn't half bad, so we decided to salvage and try to take it home to one of my friend's new apartments.

this painting was HUGE and extremely heavy. we carried it a few blocks and were all dying from exhaustion. the humidity was making us all sweat too, and i especially had my shirt drenched.

when we finally got to the car, we couldn't fit in inside. we tried every door and possible angle, but it just wouldn't fit. we put it back on the street.

the end.

i purchased a canon battery charger from amazon last week, so i guess i'll start posting more pictures here now that i don't really have any reason not to.

plus, i'm not as paranoid as i used to be so it's all good. a year or two ago i never really felt comfortable with myself, but as time goes on, i'm learning to let go of some issues.

oh, did i tell you guys (and by 'you guys' i mean the internet) that i got a job? yeah, i found out last friday and will be starting on oct 1st. wow, the first week and a 1/2 of october is going to be killer for me. dealing with a new job and my sister's wedding just might push me over the edge. we'll see what happens.

anyhoo, went out for a friend's bday tonight (wed night) to ktown for food and drinks. of course i drank water and pineapple juice all night, while everyone else partook in drunken debauchery but i still had fun nonetheless.

good times.

me & judy

the bday girl had no idea that we dropped an onion ring in her blue moon. we're all laughing in this pic and she doesn't know why so she joins in on the laughing and that in turn makes us crack up more.

me & the bday girl meredith

i've also been hitting up some movie theatres this past week to take advantage of my last weekdays off for a while. i've seen 4 recent movies! i think that's an all time record for me. i usually hate theatres, esp the large megaplexes, but i love the small indie theatres in new york city. i esp love going to these theatres alone. places like the angelika, quad cinema, cinema village and sunshine are theatres i feel completely comfortable in (only when i know there's not going to be any people). within the past week i've watched:

1. across the universe *THUMBS UP*
2. into the wild *THUMBS UP*
3. the assassination of jesse james by the coward robert ford *THUMBS UP*
4. beauty remains *THUMBS DOWN*.

everyone please support your local indie theatres and the independent film industry. fuck those stupid ass movies like spiderman and shit. i can't stand those inane "blockbuster" movies. they're full of shit that are made to entertain people with no attention spans.

ps-i am in DIRE need of a haircut.

pps- i really need to get laid.

i need to learn how to not give a flying fuck about what people think about me.

fuck how my life looks on paper.

happiness and living well is the best revenge.

my dad said something interesting to me a week or two ago.

my sister's wedding is on Oct 6th, and we have family from all over the country flying in for the occasion. my grandparents will be coming in from alaska as well, and this will be the first time seeing them since they flew in for my college graduation late last year.

i guess my sister's wedding is the topic of the moment for everyone in our clan, as it should be, and everyone's been in quite a nostalgic mood. my dad was talking about how excited he was for my grandparents coming into town, and he suggested that i sit with my grandfather and interview him for my book that i'm writing.

i then asked my dad, "um... what book?"

"didn't you say you were going to write a book? you should write interview and write about him, he has a lot to say."

this kind of took me by surprise because while my dad knows i've always wanted to be a writer, i don't think he's ever talked about it. he's never been against it, nor really for it, just kind of indifferent about it all.

then my dad started talking about my grandfather, and i think i get a lot of my personality from him. my dad and i aren't really that similar, but the beliefs and values of my grandfather have always been along the same lines as mine. he's always been big on family history, education, knowing where you came from, and knowing what you want in life. my grandfather's the patriarch of our family and an extremely driven yet stubborn man.

even before i went to korea this past year, i begged my dad to write down some important places i could visit to feel a connection with my family ancestors. whether it be the town he was born, the name of a street of a house he used to live in, i asked for basically ANYTHING. i bothered my dad about this for months, yet the day i left, he hadn't written down a single thing for me.

then the other week, my dad shows me a book that my grandfather made for each one of his grandkids when they were born. and in this book listed the names of my ancestors, where we came from, and basically had our whole family history. my grandfather had even gone to a local translator in 1976 and had the names and history of each family member translated, starting from himself and my grandmother. there in english, dated from 1976, listed the towns and locations my grandfather, grandmother, dad, uncles and aunts had been born and lived. i was a bit peeved because if my dad had given me this last Dec before i left for korea, i would've visited these places because that's one of the main reasons i went-- to discover myself.

i guess i'll just have to save those visits for my next trip to korea, whenever that may be.

to continue on with the theme of nostalgia, i found a bunch of old photo albums in my house today and spent a few hours scanning old pictures.

here are a few pics of my parents from their younger days. my mom was so beautiful, and my dad was so handsome. i wonder if i look like them at all.

i need to get on top of my whole, "life-regimen" thing.

i feel so vulnerable.

i want to crawl into a deep hole and push a large boulder over the opening so i could sit alone in dark silence for eternity. that's where i belong.

the weather today in nyc was soooooooooooooo beautiful. i was walking around all day with a kool-aid smile, i love this weather! it feels so good to think that the nasty, muggy, hot summer is behind us.

to take advantage of the weather and day off, my friend judy and i decided to trek it over to williamsburg for some brunch and shopping. we went to dumont for some food, and then walked around a few hours shopping for new stuff. our last stop was beacon's closet and i didn't find anything to my liking. shopping wise, the day was a bust but hey- it was nice spending some quality time with judy. below are a few pics we took when we stopped for some coffee and pistachio cake. yumm.








i'm taking advantage of being able to take pictures while my camera lasts, so i guess i'll post some until i run out.

my tuxedo fitting for my sister's wedding is tomorrow. damn, i can't believe the wedding is in three weeks. that's madness, madness i say!

does anyone else have their cliche, high-school-era-nightmares that have them waking up in a cold sweat? on tv they always show characters saying they showed up to school naked, but mine isn't quite like that.

mine ALWAYS have the same story line, and when i get them i usually tend to freak out and wake up in an absolute state of panic.

this is what happens in mine: i'm back in high school and have been cutting my math or science class for the past 2 weeks and am scared to go back to class because i think i'm going to get yelled at by my teacher. then i think i can't graduate and get my diploma, and that's where the panic sets in. while the dreams do tend to vary in plots and endings, they always have that same story line and i end up waking up confused, scared, and anxious.

as you can tell, i have some traumatic memories and issues from high school. truancy was my favorite class, and it tended to get me into deep shit.

anyhoo, i've been sleeping very hard for the past 2 weeks. it's odd. i can't seem to wake up for anything, my body is just physically exhausted and refuses to wake up when my 3 (yes three!!) alarms go off. i hate being like this. i can't wake up for shit and can't ever get anything done in the mornings. i told my friend about it, and he said i might be depressed. that would make sense because, well i just haven't been feeling right the past few weeks. i think the stress of finding a job has really been getting to me.

this morning on the subway i thought i wanted to kill myself. i just fucking hated everyone and everything and i knew i just needed to take a breather, so i watched sarah mclachlan's music video for "world on fire" (which i purchased onto my ipod months ago) and was instantly humbled. i need to be humbled more often. i have to realize that my life ain't as bad as millions of others around the world.

blah. good night.

demons are always trying to get at you.

i am definitely going to go see this kohei yoshiyuki exhibit at the yossi milo gallery here in nyc.

it looks--so, sexy.

damn, i cant sleep.

it is fucking RIDICULOUSLY hot out.

it's been a while since i came home this late.

i wanted to write out in detail about my day, but i'm too tired. i'll just lazily do a bullet point.

-went to the korean film festival during the day and saw the documentary about korean shaman (moodangs) titled "between." it very intense and interesting.
-had dinner w/ a friend at gama on st. marks
-got tea
-met up with other friends at some italian restaurant on 2nd ave and 7th street. had a seltzer water.
-went to urge and stayed there for what felt like hours. had more selter water.
-ended the night at trash on 10th between 2nd and 3rd and dance my fucking ass off while drinking selter water. i saw the artist 'young love' there, i love his fucking music. it's been a while since i danced that much, and SOBER! woah.

i came home completely soaked in sweat and just spent 30 mins scrubbing all the ddeh off my body.

good night all.

.

i want to crawl into a hole and stay there until my flesh rots away.

the new york korean film festival starts today. there's a few movies i want to see, but one in particular. i love the movie "200 lb beauty." i saw it in coex mall in korea and became an instant fan of kim ah-joong and the film.

anyhoo, it's playing this friday at cinema village on 12th street and i'm thinking of checking it out.

the new M.I.A. album will be available from itunes in 2 hours. i am so fucking god damn excited!!

i love 90's hip hop. it's so much better than any of the stuff that's out today.

when you compare albums that were released then to the ones that are out now, man the stuff that's out now doesn't even compare. from the lyrics, to the beats, to the overall sound, thing's were so much simpler and better back then.

the retail store that i've been working on and off at for about 3 years just recently opened a new store on the Upper East Side. i worked there today for the first time, and will be helping out again tomorrow, and then going back to the soho store on sunday.

cheers, good night.

ps- i went running around the reservoir in central park today before work and all i have to say is, it is so beautiful and peaceful up there. i miss nature.

i didn't go to the park today for a run. instead i went to the gym, and boy was i glad i went.

i have a 2nd interview on monday with a national magazine. i'd be working in the photo department, but making only $7.15 an hour, and it's only until december. hmm, we'll see how that goes.

i've been feeling so unmotivated the past week or so. i've come to realize that i'm a person who needs something to do. being busy with work is a thing i've come to appreciate in life. i can't wait until i find a new job and have a reason to get up in the mornings. these days, i've just been feeling blah. i work a few days a week in soho, but i'm getting so sick of the customers. i am not a people person. i haven't gone to the gym since last thursday, so i decided i would go to my local park today and go for a run. i live in queens, and am about a 10-15 minute walk away from kissena park. i usually never go to that park, i don't know, i've never liked it, but i figured some sun and sweat would do me some good. so i get there and just start jogging/walking around the reservoir, and get pretty bored fast. i decided to run on the outer and inner paths that go through the more wooded areas. after ten years of living here, i had never step foot on those paths, and i boy was i in for a shock today. the wooded paths were pretty empty compared to the area around the reservoir and playgrounds, and i didn't really expect to see anything interesting. i focused on my running with my ipod blasting, and then came up onto a field, and to my shock, i saw this guy sunbathing... completely nude. he was laying face down, and was this burly, muscled dude with tattoos all over his arms. i immediately did a double take and saw that he had the most perfect ass, big and round. i wasn't sure what to do next. all i could think was, "is this the gay section of the park?!" but this is KISSENA park in QUEENS, shit like that never happens here. i then saw him lift his head and look at me a few times, and i started to get nervous. we were the only 2 people in this area, did he think i was trolling for sex in the park and had come looking for guys? even though i would love to think that i would do something like that, i would never everrrr have the balls (no pun intended) to do anything public like that. i can't even mess around in cars out of paranoia, let alone mess around in public. anyway, after passing that guy, he was all i could think about it. i started thinking of ways on the trail that lead back that way so i could get another peek at him, but ultimately decided not to and just continued with my workout. it felt good to be sweating outside, and i'm thinking if i should go back tomorrow for another run. i doubt i will, but we'll see.

i need to find some fun things to do.

i'm starting to get into Yukio Mishima.

has anyone else read his books? there's something about Russian and Japanese authors that i've always felt a deep connection with.

anyhoo, i'm currently reading Mishima's, confessions of a mask, and i'm thoroughly enjoying it. some say that it's highly autobiographical, and after doing some research on mishima, i truly feel it is. and with that being said, it's clear that he was gay. it's interesting because as the "character" in the book recounts his childhood and some of the homosexual thoughts and feelings he had, it brought me back to my own experiences while growing up. i started to remember all the different emotions and thoughts i had completely forgotten about, and it made me wonder how i survived growing up.

i like his writing, it's simple and fluid, yet still manages to show the complexity of the inner dialogue that the character struggles with.

aside from mishima, there's nothing special going on in my life that is worth mentioning here.

blahh.

has anyone else noticed that the summer heat is making everyone in this city crazy as hell?

i want to be consumed by something...

is there a difference between writer's block and just being a bad writer?

life is grand.

one of my coworkers said the funniest thing to me today.

it was such a slow day, so all us workers were trying to keep ourselves entertained. at one point, one of them says "check this out." and she proceeds to change her hairstyle and when she did, i kind of was like "WOW you look so different!" in the three years that we were coworkers, she has always had the same hair style, so when she changed it i almost didn't even recognize her. it boggled my mind and i told her how i couldn't believe that in all the time i had known her, i had never seen her hair style change at all.

so a few minutes later, i forget what we were talking about, but i say, "yeah my friends say i look ugly when i smile like this." and i do this smile where my whole face is scrunched up, and then my same coworker from before goes, "omg-- i don't think i've ever seen you smile... i've seen you laugh, but i've NEVER seen you smile..."

when she said that, i looked at her face and she had the same look of bewilderment that i had had about her a few minutes earlier.

maybe i do need to smile more? i don't know, i just don't think i'm a happy person in general. i just never have been.

i'm not sure what it is, but the past few weeks have been especially horrible. i've been feeling like shit, i can barely make it through the days. my anxiety and depression have been coming on strong, and i can't get rid of this contstant veil of sadness that surrounds me every waking moment.

i wish it would just go away. i wish i could just live normally like other people. i wish that i could do things without worrying and thinking all this crazy ass shit. everything just makes me sad, everything.

from the moment i wake up, to the moment i'm home at night, i feel so fucking sad and i have no idea why. anyone who says mental illness does not exist, i beg to differ. i'm a normal person, just like you, but the difference between us is i can't understand how or why my life has become something i don't enjoy anymore. ah, thinking about it just drives me even more crazy.

i'm just waiting for this wave to go away. it usually does, but this one is taking a lot longer than others.

i'm such a fool.

i wish i had someone to talk to on the phone.

i called in sick today at my retail job. i've been working there on and off for 3 years, and the only time i've ever called in sick was when i got hit by a car a few years ago, and even for that i only missed one day of work.

i haven't been feeling too well the past days. i feel so lost and anxious all the time.

wow, it's really been a while since i've really updated.

okay, hmm where to start.

this is my third week since starting at my new job, and i'm starting to feel more situated with each passing day, so it's been good. i'm enjoying the work and while i feel extremely stressed out at times, it feels good to be working and i feel really grateful to be employed. i don't really have much of a life anymore. i kind of just work... and then work again. i'm usually too exhausted to go out and ever do anything anymore, and i've also become a complete MISER and try not to spend money at all. i haven't purchased a magazine in almost a month, and with the books i purchased last week, i should have enough to get me through the summer, at the least. my only vices left now are coffee and music, and i guess those are two things i can't compromise on, i need them to get me through the day.

also since i'm working retail on the weekends, i don't go out on fridays and saturdays anymore. i know that paying for a long night out the next day just isn't worth it. my first weekend back at my retail job was EXTREMELY painful, because i wasn't used to spending 8 hours on my feet. but now i'm getting more used to it, so my feet to hurt as much anymore. yay!

you know it sucks because i usually think of all these eventful things that happen throughout my day, but by the time i get home i'm completely too lazy to try and post.

anyway, life is good!

my love-hate relationship with haruki murakami is currently on love.

i feel so damn lonely.

whatever happened to humility?

so i told my bosses today that this will be my last week of work, and they were totally cool with it. plus, it's a little slow since the summer issue just went to press so me leaving won't really have any sort of impact. while i'm sad to leave the magazine, i'm ready to move onto the next phase of my life.

since i start my working career at the end of this month without breaks until the foreseeable future, i kind of want to take advantage of my week off next week. i'm not really sure of what i could do, seeing that i'm pretty broke. also, i've also decided to take up a second job and starting the first week of june, i'll be working retail on saturdays and sundays in soho so not having and days off for a while really wants to make me cherish my time off. i've been working on and off at this store for years, and all the workers and my bosses are so nice and while i do dislike helping asshole customers, every now and then i meet some nice people. and i'm very comfortable working there and selling their products so hopefully it won't be so bad.

i'm sure that i will be on blogger, complaining about how much i hate working 7 days a week and how i'm tired and my life sucks, but i guess it's only until october/november so i can manage to suffer for 5-6 months, especially for my family.

again, i ALWAYS think this but as an american born, college educated human being, if i can't succeed here, then i am a complete failure. i think about all the struggles that millions of immigrants have gone through and go through on a daily basis in this country, and if they can do it, i can too. hopefully i'll be able to think of my parents and what they went through for inspiration in any times of weakness i have.

i don't know, i guess for the past 2 months i feel like i've been doing nothing, and now i feel slightly motivated to just go full speed ahead. and i always say that being busy is not a bad problem to have.

also, i'm hoping that me working on the weekends will instill some responsibility and i'll go out less, thus spending less money. for about 5 months last year, i completely stopped drinking because i felt my life was getting a bit out of control, and in the back of my mind i would like go try it again, but this time without telling my friends and everyone else in my life. i'd like to take the more humble road, and just do this for myself.

i'm also hoping that with me being a lot more busy, i'll finally be able to find love in some shape or form. whether it's for myself, or for someone else that i meet, or even for both, i would welcome anything at this point in my life.

change is 'a coming--i hope.

damn it i can't sleep.

after a long two month search, i finally got a job today! i had my second interview this morning and was informed at the end of it that i was hired and that i'll be starting in two weeks, on the tuesday after labor day.

wow, it feels to finally have a paying job!

even though it doesn't have much to do with what i actually want to do, i'm still elated to finally be employed.

after my interview, i went to the Angelika alone and saw "The Namesake." i love watching movies alone during the weekdays in the afternoons, the theatres are always so empty. i read the book late last year, and i have to say while the movie was visually stunning due to all the beautiful people, clothing, and other details of Indian culture, the book was much better. the book takes place in boston, but the movie takes place in nyc and that made a huge difference in my mind, and not for the better. the character of Ashima seems more central in the movie, but the book is more about her son Gogol. well, the movie was still enjoyable and i loved the actress who plaed Ashima. she was so beautiful and graceful. i've always felt that Desi woman are some of the most beautiful in the world. suffice it to say, i definitely recommend the movie.

next week is my last week before i start work. i'm thinking of asking my bosses at the magazine if i can make this week my last. i'd like a full week of doing absolutely nothing to ready myself.

i wish i could grow a beard.

it's funny how a single day can change the rest of your life...for the better.

i came out to my sister today. we had dinner at one of my fav japanese restaurants, yakiniku on 9th between 2nd and 3rd, and for the first time in 24 years, i feel that we truly were getting to know eachother. we learned so much about eachother today, it felt great. i'm lucky to have her and her fiance in my life. i was afraid that me being gay could somehow affect their relationship, but she went home and told him and he was fine with it.

pheww, that's a big load off my chest.

i came home after dinner, and it feels so good to stay in on a friday night.

i'm so good at fucking things up with people. that's what i do best, burn bridges...

i want to live alone on a deserted island. i have no social skills left, and am reminded on a daily basis by the world of how much of a freak i am. i hate myself.

1. drinks @ Gama on St. Marks
2. Dinner at Sushi Park on 2nd Avenue with drinks
3. Urge
4. Lit
5. Back to Urge
6. The Cock
7. Back to Urge
8. Back to the Cock (barfed in the bathroom)
9. Cab to Jackson Heights
10. Had a drink at the Music Box on 74th Street
11. Cab ride home

i can finally sleeeep. gnight!

ended up going to camel on fri night, and my friends and i killed 3 bottles of johnny black. due to my lack of sleep the night before, let's just say i got pretty wasted. ate in ktown after and then finally came home at 530. yeah, i'm not doing that again for awhile...

also, i finally cut my hair today after almost 5 months. wowww, i look so much cleaner.

damn it, it's 6 am and the sun is already up. damn you sun... damn you!

i just had dinner at Ed's Lobster Bar in noho (http://lobsterbarnyc.com). it's on lafayette between spring and broome, and i must say that i was very impressed with the food. if you like lobster, you will love this restaurant.

ps- i never knew there was a Rick Astley greatest hits album. thank you itunes...

*never going to give you up, never going to say goodbye*

sometimes i don't even know what i want in life anymore. i feel so lost. i have no direction and can't seem to figure anything out. it's scary. i feel like i don't know myself, i don't know the person i've become and i don't know who i want to be. i have no idea of what the future holds, and it scares me shitless.

why am i on this earth?

i still haven't figured it out. damn i am so depressed. this is all the shit i can think about. when i'm at work, on the subway, having dinner w/ a friend, it doesn't matter. all these questions just cloud my mind and it's hard to focus or care about anything else.

and this too, shall pass.

something is very very wrong.

you can't count on anyone but yourself.

i love me a good korean power ballad...

sorry that was random. anyhoo, i'm writing some short blurbs for the magazine i'm interning at, and my boss totally edits all my work to the point where i feel it's no longer mine. i dunno, i guess that's the world of publishing and the media but i can't but help feel sad sometimes. a sentence or angle i feel strongly about would be dismissed in a minute, and there's nothing i can do or say about. but hey, at least i'm getting published!

on another note, WHY THE FUCK WONT ANYONE HIRE ME?! i have tons of god damn professional experience and am fucking tired of interning, i'm so ready to work again. seriously, it's starting to get to me. i'm a normal, 24 y/o male (okay maybe that's subjective) but i know i'm a damn hard worker. fuck man. fuck fuck fuck. i can go crazy thinking about this so i will stop now.

had indian food again for dinner today. note to NYers who love indian food, baluchi's on 2nd ave and 6th is always 50% off. i go there all the time, the food is great! i definitely recommend the place.

after dinner i had 2 spoonfuls of this. my friend ate the rest.

i woke up at 1 today and stayed home all day. i'm exhausted from getting shitfaced the past four straight nights. i feel so bloated and gassy from all my drunken debauchery, need to get back on track and mellow out for the next week or so. it's also kind of funny because i've been waking up completely naked the past four days as well. i have this habit of kicking off all my clothes while sleeping if i'm drunk. i always freak out and wake up thinking, "shit, where are my clothes??" but then i realize they're tossed about my room.

i hate coming home drunk. i just always feel lonely...

anyway, went to this burton party today in soho. steve aoki was spinning, and he was friggin awesome. since i left my digi cam charger in my hotel in thailand, i haven't used my camera in a while. i had to settle on taking pics with my blackberry.

i didn't get that job... yeah, kind of bummed but what are you going to do?

i just finished reading 'the road' by cormac mccarthy' today at the laundromat. mmm, his writing takes a while to get used to, but i would def say the book was very suspenseful and scary at times. i didn't really get the ending though... maybe i'm just an idiot but i was left somewhat confused.

now i'm going to move onto my next book, and guess who got their hands on a copy of the new murakami??! yes, i didddd.

i was able to get a press review copy about a week ago. the book comes out in may, so i'm so excited to be able to get a sneak peak.

i had an interview this morning at the most randomest company, and by random i mean a place where i never ever ever in my life saw myself working at. i think it went well though, and am hoping for the best i guess. don't want to jinx it, we'll see how it goes.

nothing else new going on. went out on sat night to a few bars and got wasted. ended up at stereo's sat night gay party. man, people in there were sure fucked up on drugs. it's been a while since i've been around that environment, kind of makes me want to go party again.

damn it... i am so fucking lonely.

i'm so damn emotional these days.

new Murakami coming out in May... exciting.

someone come and knock me over the head with a big metal pot. i'm acting like such a fool.

not to self: you are not 18 anymore. drinking until you barf in the streets is not cool anymore, you are too old for this shit. coming home with barf all over your shoes and jeans is no longer funny nor appropriate. get it together.

i have an interview on fri morning and i am anxious. this is the first time in my 24 years of life that i will be having this sort of interview (trust me i've had MANY interviews throughout my life) and i am fucking scared shitless!

yes, this is for a corporate job. ahhhh.

i was just thinking about it, but i have never been this nervous for anything. usually i never have problems picking out what to wear, what i'm going to say, what i'm looking for, but this is different. i have no fucking clothes to wear for this. it's sad but i've never owned a suit, nor do i honesly ever wish to wear them. usually my interview style is more jeans, blazer, and paul smith shoes but something has me thinking that that would be pretty stupid of me.

countless interviews to be a tutor, teacher's aid, 5 magazine interns, chocolate seller, retail clothes seller, flyer hander-outer, cafe waiter, bubble tea maker, summer camp counselor, television production intern, head of a tv channel, dish washer, valet parker, korea town bar waiter, college student, office supplies mega chainstore associate, or data entry employee have never had me stressed out like i am now.

and now I'm pissed because have to buy some button down shirt, just to wear for friday. also think i need a jacket, pants, and tie. i honestly don't even understand the position i'm trying for, it's nothing editorial at all or something i've ever heard of.

will keep you updated if anything interesting happens. i'll use ugly betty as my inspiration.

i feel like i've been in such a funk the past few days. there seems to be a large disconnect between me and the world... or maybe it's just all in my head.

i can feel myself slipping into all my old patterns and bad habits, the way i was before i left for asia. i don't want that to happen. i will not let that happen.

today i went to sing sing again to visit. it's always so sad, saying goodbye at the end. we all leave and go on with our lives, but he still sits there and then goes back to his cell. i always leave there feeling so gutted.

anyway, changes in my life are coming soon. have no idea of how and what, but some must be made. for starters, i have to stop going into chatrooms and start reading the piles of books and back issues of the new yorker on my desk.

life is grand.

i can feel the darkness looming...

damn i feel so anxious. one minute i'm sitting and on the internet, and the next minute my heart is just pounding so fast and i can't sit still and i feel i can't breathe.

frustration nation.

where does the time go?

why why why why why cant i stop thinking about someone? someone who i know will never change, but still makes me feel so hopeful and happy?

i cant stop thinking about it, and it's driving me nuts.

ok i will change topic.

i love my editorial internship. it feels so good to be using my brain again, i'm starting to feel a little bit human. even though i don't really have that many responsibilities, i feel like i'm learning a lot everyday.

yesterday, i got to hang out with one of my best friends for the whole day. haha i know that sentence sounds extremely childish, and that the sentence should be finished by me saying, "i'm diSh manY ye-uh ohw..." (holding up 24 fingers). but it's just that since he's extremely busy with school, i don't get to see him as much as i would like. so yesterday was a blast. made me feel actually happy to be home as we talked for hours while we walked around union quare and every neighborhood south of it. just mindlessly walking sometimes, yeah.... good times.

i saw this picture above on men's style.com, and it kind of made me nostalgic.

first, i want to make it clear that i love korean air stewardesses. out of all the airlines i rode within asia and even in the states, i can honestly say they're the nicest, most accomodating, professional airline workers i've ever seen. and also the hottest, i have yet to see an ugly kal (korean air lines) stewardess. they're all beautiful or really cute, and none of them look surgically enhanced, thank goodness. also their uniforms are really nice and from the hairpins to their shoes, you know everything was meticulously designed. and i think they have a height requirement, probably along with some weight limits and whatnot because they're all tall and thin.

so while in korea, i went to incheon international airport many many many times. aside from the time i left korea for nyc, i always rode the airport bus to incheon. in total i made 7 rides on the bus, and usually the trip is over an hour long so all i did was stare out the window while listening to music. sometimes i would see KAL and other airline stewardesses riding the bus as well, and i always just stared at their beuty and class. they always seemed so done up, and i dunno i guess in a weird way, i put them on some sort of pedestal.

but all that changed one eventful day.

it was on a trip where i was going to the airport, not coming from it, and i remember leaning my head against the window while i stared at all the passing cars and scenary zooming in the background. on that day, there was this shitty white car that i kept seeing. the car would pass us, then we would pass them, and the cycle went on and on. i remember seeing the car and thinking, what a piece of junk. it was an old hyundai, and there was garbage all over the back seat and shit thrown everywhere. there were also these old dolls and other stuff in the back tossed about, and the car seemed to be speeding and in a rush, zooming in and out of traffic, but the bus somehow always caught up to it. so i see this car, and don't really pay it any mind. it's just another car on the highway.

and then i see who's driving. this scene is something i remember vividly in my head. it was a girl with a large bow looking pin in her tightly pulled back hair, with her body awkwardly leaning forward while her hands were tightly holding the steering wheel at ten and two. then i see her clothes and realize she's a KAL stewardess, and like a movie, my eyes pan out to get a full view of the shitty white hyundai, and then i look again inside her car and see all the mess that's thrown about.

well kids, that was the day i realized that they're just normal girls who run late, and have dirty cars, like every other person on this planet.

on my flight back to nyc, i couldn't look at them the same way. of course they were all nice and beautiful as always, but i don't know... the magic was gone.

i keep forgetting to buy razors, so i haven't shaved in more than a week. the sad thing is, my facial hair still grows like a jhs student in puberty so it looks more pathetic than anything else.

the first two lines from mary j. blige's song, "be happy" from her hit '94 album titled "my life," sums up so much in so little...

this is my 3rd entry within 30 minutes. i thought i'd just write about some stuff.

yeah, i need a job...

but i did get an editorial internship at this pretty cool nyc magazine. thing is, it's such a big change from my last job, seeing that i used to have 6 interns of my own and now i'm back to being one. don't get me wrong, i am extremely humble and am very gratefull to even be able to have that position at this magazine, but it's still a huge jump for me.

however, i'm really excited about the gig and know i have so much great stuff to learn from them and would be a complete fool to turn this down.

it's going to be nice to have some sort of purpose in life again, i am so ready to work hard.

aside from all that, life is boring. tonight my sister and her fiance took me to this really great brazilian restaurant on 26th and park ave south called porcao. damn, the food there was absolutely amazing, and the service is truly some of the best i've ever had in nyc. i haven't eaten so much meat in a long ass time, and it was damn good.

ps- arcade fire's "neon bible" is sheer genious.

i want orange fanta.

finally got a new blackberry. whoo, it sure feels good to put dirty payphones and loose change behind me. since i left for asia last dec, i've been using payphones due to my lack of having a cell phone. don't get me wrong, not having a cell has tons of advantages. i had more freedom and wasn't tied down by anything or anyone. but, when i did need to use a phone, it was a pain in the ass. so yes, i finally got a new blackberry and i'm excited to be back in the techonological world.

also, since thailand, my BMs have been pretty bad but today i took a rock solid poop.

now all i have to do is find a job and my life will be perfect!

amy winehouse's voice is fucking amazing... you know i've seen her picture few times online on blogs and such, but i never could've imagined her with a voice like this. the music makes me feel like i'm in a 1950's black and white movie. i'm also very stoned.

Japan