i just came back from Trade Fair, my local 24-hour supermarket by my apartment here in astoria.

as i was in line, looking at my 4 items sitting on the conveyor belt between two blue dividers, i thought about what my friday nights have become: standing in line at the supermarket at midnight, waiting to purchase two bottles of drano max, a ham and swiss sandwich and pink lemonade crystal light.

damn, i need some new hobbies.

i'm completely broke right now, but later on when i have some money, i'm going to order every single one of these pillows in family sizes. i love food stuff! check them out here: www.sweet-meats.com

anyhoo- it's kind of late and i just got home. it felt good to dance again.

and btw, agyness deyn totally bumped into me at the party.

there's nothing casual about casual sex. there's something about sex with strangers that just doesn't do it for me. or maybe it's sex in general? i think it's overrated.

yesterday i went to The Ritz-Carlton to eat at BLT Market for a lunch meeting. can i just say that, sometimes i love my fucking job and am grateful to be able to eat at all these wonderful places.

suffice it to say, i was so excited to go to BLT Market and of course, the food was absolutely amazing. for my appetizer, i had mache salad with deviled quail eggs and black truffles. my entree was a shrimp and lobster risotto with cauliflower and black truffles. the risotto was so rich and delicious, it was the perfect dish to keep me warm on from the cold winter's day. for dessert i had a black coffee and a caramelized crepe soufflé with tangerine sauce and pomegranate seeds. wowza, soo good!

my cousin tim, who was my gracious host while i was in korea last year, came back to nyc for a few weeks, so all us cousins decided to meet for dinner and drinks. we ate at City Crab, which was pretty good. i've eaten there before and have to say that i was not that impressed with the food last night. everything was a bit blah. anyhoo, afterwards we all headed to koreatown for some drinks and debauchery at players and baden baden. i ended up sleeping at my sister's place in nj and just got back to my apt two hours ago.

crystal light is damn awesome.

it's refreshing, crisp, tasty, and most important of all, only 5 calories per serving. when i come home from the gym, i always reward myself with a tall glass to quench my thirst. thank you crystal light.

i miss juju.

damn, i still need to buy a bed. sleeping on the floor has lost its novelty.

i made a complete impulse purchase today at kim's video on st. marks. i bought the dvd of the reality bites. i've loved this movie from when i was a kid, and purchased the soundtrack in 7th grade (i still listen to it constantly). i was also very, very into lisa loeb back then, and remember waiting for her "stay" video to play on mtv all the time. a few years ago when i worked retail in soho, she once came into the store and was as cute as a button. i heart you lisa loeb.

i wish i knew what i wanted in life

i went to the gym today after not having worked out in like 3 weeks. wow- i feel completely exhausted right now, i can't even speak. but damn it felt good to sweat. also one thing i learned today, one of the best things to work out to is American Gladiators on nbc. holy fuck, Helga is intsense, i love it!

after the gym, my friend junho drove me to the local 24 hour supermarket in Astoria called Trade Fair, and i did some grocery shopping. grocery shopping is so much fun. i'm trying to buy only healthy stuff and what not, but i spoiled myself with two banquet tv dinners at $.99 each. i'll save those for a rainy day when i'm craving hot food. one is fried chicken and the other is chicken fried steak with gravy.

i know it's only monday, but so far i'm doing okay on my whole spending $20 on cash throughout the week plan. lunch time is the hardest because i absolutely fucking love halal food, and the smell of chicken over rice with extra white sauce just makes me salivate (i'm literally salivating as i write this). but i was good today and ate my healthy food that i bought from home. we'll see how the rest of the week goes.

this is going to be THE week.

this is going to be the week where i take out $20 from the atm on monday, and that money has to last me throughout the workweek. from monday through friday, the only money i will absolutely have to spend will be the $20. every morsel of food i eat will be healthy and from my weekly shopping done at the grocery store. instead of going out to dinner and meeting friends after work, i'll go work out and then come home or something.

we'll see how long this lasts!

i used to be scared of roaches but now they just fucking piss the fuck out of me, esp when they crawl near me as i'm trying to sleep. fucking kill them all.

damn, why do i feel like shit?

there's so much injustice in the world.

i finally moved today into my new place in astoria, good bye upper east side! it's my first night here and it's yet to feel like home. i feel like i'm squatting an empty room with all my stuff scattered about.

i have to admit though it does feel nice to unpack boxes that haven't seen the light of day since i packed them in november. i'm no longer living out of bags of clothing and can finally feel like i can unwind. my room is a decent size with a nice closet. here's a few pics for some visuals.





it'll prob take some time before i get all my furniture and other much needed stuff, blah.

sometimes i feel like i'm 18 and living my life for the first time.

i've had so many first-time life experiences within the past year, especially the past 4 months, and with each passing day i'm learning so much more about myself.

i finally am no longer living with my parents, and feel this indescribable weight has been lifted off my shoulders. i feel like i can finally be myself and live my life how i want. no more hiding my life behind my room door. no more talking in a monotone voice because that's how i naturally speak if i'm not 100% comfortable. no more soul-sucking commute. no more having to pretend that i am someone that i'm not.

i've been living in the Upper East Side since november and it's great and all, but everything's so temporary and i've been living out of trash bags filled with clothes- i haven't really unpacked anything else. i dont cook here or have any of my stuff out. i basically watch tv, sleep, shower, and that's pretty much it. i was originally staying here with the intentions of moving out with a close friend in january, but those plans fell completely through so i had to find other living arrangements. i looked on craigslist and found a bedroom in a 2-bedroom apartment in astoria, queens. my future roommate seems normal and nice, and i'm hoping that we don't have any problems living together. i guess we'll just have to see. there's no living-room in the place and the only common areas are the bathroom and kitchen, which is fine with me, i usually like being alone when i'm home and can be found in my room anyway. it's going to be exciting to feel like i finally have a home again, somewhere i can just go and relax. i can't wait to have a place to call my own... plus, i don't have a lease which is good because if any living arrangements with friends come my way, i'll be able to take them into careful consideration.

another of many lifetime-firsts in the past few months is dating. i've been seeing people here and there and have been having a great time. for the first time i've been able to meet others that i hit it off with, and have met some really nice guys. i think it's taken me 24 years to date because i probably wasn't truly ready before. now, i feel confident about myself and my life, and maybe it shows in my walk or how i carry myself, but i guess others seem to notice. it probably also has to due with the fact that i've lost a substantial amount of weight, and haven't ever felt this attractive in my adult life. it's so exciting to go out and talk to people. whereas in before, i would go out and spend hours somewhere and not speak to anyone new. or if i was introduced to new people, i'd always be jaded and do the whole "be cold to everyone and you won't get hurt" thing.

this is the first year where i feel like i've truly gotten to know and love my sister as a sibling, woman and just as a normal person. i feel that coming out to here was a huge step in this because before i did, i always thought that i never really liked my sister. and i absolutely know in my heart that i felt like that because i didn't ever want to get close to her and let her know that i was gay. but with nothing to hide now, i feel i'm being a true brother to her for the first time in our lives. now we talk all the time and i tell her absolutely EVERYTHING that's going on in my life, haha but i'm not sure if that's a bad or good thing in her opinion. i feel this amazing bond with her that i feel only siblings can feel- we just completely get each other. imagining my life without her or thinking about having the type of relationship that we used to have just makes me so sad, and i know that'll never happen. i'm truly so happy and proud of the woman she's become, and can't wait to see what the rest of our lives have in store for us.

this is also one of the first years in my life where i finally didn't just find a job, but i found a career. working at my current job is just an absolute dream, and i feel truly blessed. i know that i'll be here for a while, and it's such an awesome place to learn and start what will hopefully be a long career.

there are so many other things that has happened, but i'll leave that for later entries.

i hope everyone has a safe and enjoyable new year's.

what a difference a year makes.

this has been the longest work week i've ever had.

one more day...one more day!

i don't think i've ever written about my dog, Juju.

one day in 1999, my sister came home with this tiny little chihuahua, a poor street dog who had almost no teeth and had definitely lived a hard life. we didn't know where she came from or even how old she was- everything about her past was a complete mystery. my family had never had a dog, and at first it was difficult to embrace Juju and open our hearts to her. she seemed more of an inconvenience than anything else. feeding her and taking her outside were all chores that we didn't want to do, especially my parents. they seemed indifferent about her and my mom always seemed a bit afraid of this tiny little dog who constantly shivered and always wanted her tummy rubbed. but with time, everything changed and we grew to love Juju as another member of the family. my dad especially came to love her the most, and became the most protective of her. he fed her, bathed her, took her to the vet once every three weeks, and could be found every morning at 6 AM, walking her.

i loved it when Juju would sleep in my room. she was so tiny and always liked to sleep on my pillow. every morning when i woke up, i would open my eyes to see her curled up into a little ball, with her soft fur touching my cheek. another thing she'd always do is whenever i was stomach down on my couch, she would curl up into a little ball between my thighs and take a nap.

on friday, juju had to be put to sleep. her old age had caught up to her and on top of slowly losing her eyesight, she hadn't been able to eat or use the bathroom for the past 4 days. she stayed up all night crying and wasn't able to do much else. my dad took her to the vet and was told by the doctor that there was nothing that could be done to help her, and that she was in a lot of pain. he suggested putting her to sleep but my dad refused. he took her to another doctor for a second opinion and was told the same thing. he reluctantly accepted the truth and knew what had to be done...

i'll miss you Juju, r.i.p. thanks for sharing your life with us and enriching our family in a way that is describable beyond words.

i had dinner at lil frankies today. if you're ever downtown around 1st ave and houston and in need of a place for dinner, look no further! the food here was amazing, and the prices are very very reasonable.

i also wanted to share a boring story about the anna sui t-shirt i'm wearing. it was given to me awhile ago by judy (girl with bangs), who happens to be one of my closest friends and a designer at anna sui. the t has a picture of a very sexy woman with her boobs kinda popping out. well, i decided to wear it on friday because i have casual fridays at work, and i choose the day to express myself with clothes i would never be able to wear mon-thurs. i get to my office and ask one of my coworkers about what she thought. while she said it was great and loved the design, she mentioned it might not be the best thing to wear around the office. hearing that instantly made me paranoid, and it's funny because right after that happened, i was walking to pick something up at the printer and i saw the Editor-In-Chief of the magazine standing right in front of me. i instantly crossed my arms and ran to the bathroom to flip the t inside out and wore that until the clock turned 6. yes- i know, boring story indeed.

here are a few pics from the weekend. it's been a while since i brought out my camera.

i love sunday mornings like today.

waking up and lazily lying in bed while watching the snow fall outside my window is the greatest way to start a new day.

i miss you.

i'm pretty exhausted but i wanted to make sure i wrote an entry today.

tonight is my last night sleeping at my house. i'm going to sleep at the UES apartment for the first time tomorrow, and then come back to my house in Queens on Wednesday after work to move the rest of my stuff out of here.

i have to say that knowing that this is my last night in my house is a bit weird. i find myself feeling a bit nostalgic, and can't stop thinking about all the memories i'll have of this place, both good and bad. today i started doing some heavy duty cleaning and threw away some furniture and my tv! oh man, it's such a weird feeling to not have a tv in my room... everything feels so quiet and eerily empty. does anyone else know that feeling? when you're moving into a new place or moving out of an old place, and you have no tv and the house just feels so odd? yeah, that's what i'm feeling right now.

since i've always been comforted in my "throw away therapy," meaning whenever i'm in a bad mood i just throw stuff away, i didn't think i would have much stuff to move. in all honesty i dont, but i have a massive amount of books. it's crazy that i never realized the amount of books i really have. aside from that, i have some clothes and that's pretty much it. but i still sort of feel like i have too much stuff. it's good because i've come to realize that materialistic things don't really matter as much as they used to. in fact, aside from books and digital music, i don't really like having anything. just looking at all the boxes in my room now make me cringe, i can't even imagine how much stuff i'd have if i didn't do my "throw away therapy."

sighhhh.

it sucks that i have work tomorrow and that i can't enjoy my last night here. i'm completely exhausted and know i have to get up early so i guess that's it for now.

good bye home... thanks for the past ten years. now it's time to move on and make some new memories in different places.

everything in life is just so overrated. nothing excites me. i'm not trying to sound all suicidal or dramatic, but honestly nothing excites me anymore. i need some new hobbies.

i must admit that working for an epicurean magazine has its perks. i get to go to some awesome food events, and my knowledge of high quality cuisine is expanding with time.

tomorrow night, i'm going to attend SWEET. it's boasted as "new york's biggest desert festival," and there's supposed to be a great line-up of food network personalities and others giving cooking demonstrations and providing samples, woohoo.

but before SWEET, my boss is going to take me to newly opened Lunetta. i'm so excited to try this try this place, i am so ready for some good food. i've stopped myself from googling the place too much because i'm hoping to go in absolutely surprised.

anyhoo, just wanted to share a pic i took with my sister earlier tonight. went to dinner and a bar after (no, i did not drink) in koreatown.

i can't wait until it snows.

woah, thanksgiving is next week... that's madness!

being broke and almost homeless is really starting to stress me out.

i'm not going to write about how lonely i am anymore. well- i'm at least going to try not to.

let's focus on the all the good stuff in life, shall we? i'm happy at work, i truly feel blessed to be where i am. man, just a month and a half ago, i was jobless and without any direction in my life. while i'm still without direction, i do have a great job to keep me busy until i figure out exactly what it is i want to do.

this past weekend has been a nightmare. not sure what triggered it, but i fell into this deep, cavernous hole and i'm at my wits end.

i still feel like i'm crawling my way out- digging my nails in as deep as i can to get myself out of this place... i'm trying, i truly am.

i've been listening to this song non-stop all day, 룰라- 친구를 보내며(신정환 Theme).

룰라 (Roo'Ra) has always been my favorite korean singing group. i grew up listening to their music. their different songs and albums all bring me back to special moments in my life. they invoke in me memories of being a happy kid. i have no idea why i'm writing about 룰라.

life is a blur.

indifference is a bitch. lately, it feels like i haven't been doing a lot of things i should be.

i need to get out of this damn funk, this week has been a rough one.

maybe i'm just in need of a hot shower and shave? that always makes everything better.

i want to disappear.

it's all downhill from here.

.

i left my phone at home today due to being in a rush this morning as i was getting ready for work.

i just got home and checked for any messages, and i didn't have a single missed call or text message. i don't know why, but pondering that made me really sad. to think that throughout the day, not a single person was looking for me or wanted to talk with me, it just makes me feel very lonely.

...maybe i should be careful of what i wish for, because i think it's actually come true.

whatever, i'm just throwing myself a pity party. i'll get over it.

here's an update for the sake of updating.

these are some pics i took in chicago last week. the weather was beautiful.

this past week of work completely wiped me out. it's a rainy and gloomy day here in nyc today and i'm in bed with my mac, doing absolutely nothing and loving it.

song of the moment that i'm obsessively listening to: Carrie Underwood- I Know You Won't.

this song is fucking amazing, it'll blow you away.

i'm talking to someone who i truly like and makes me content.

that is why life is good.

so much to write, i don't even know where to start.

i got a promotion last week at work, after only being at the magazine for 2 weeks, yes- 2 weeks! a position opened up and i approached my bosses, telling them i wanted to pursue it as aggressively as possible. i explained that it didn't matter if i didn't get the job, because i just started and have so much to learn, but if i let the opportunity pass without being vocal about it, i knew i'd regret it forever. the job i started at was the entry-level position that required at least 6 months of work before you could be promoted within the magazine. the girl before me was at this job level for more than one year and decided to leave the magazine because she was never promoted. anyhoo, i approached my boss and she set up some interviews for me with the top publishers of the magazine and i prepared this presentation and everything. i found out the job was between myself and this girl from esquire, who had pretty much had the position until i threw my hat in the ring.

suffice it to say, i ended up getting the job and am really proud of myself. it's exciting because i'm going to be on the masthead and all that good stuff. i grabbed it and got it for myself. why would i spend a year at a position when i know i can try and get promoted to a job that i would eventually want to be at in a much shorter period of time?

i'm actually going to chicago this thurs morning for work and coming back to nyc on fri. i'm excited because i'm staying at the hard rock hotel in chicago and i'm really looking forward to taking a bath. i never get to take a bath at home because our bathroom is a shithole, so i always look forward to staying in hotels. i remember even when i was in thailand and japan, i took a bath every night in the hotel rooms. i loved it.

speaking of my shithole bathroom at home, i'm moving out! it's a long story, but i have to be out of my house by thanksgiving and i think i'll be staying at my friend's place in the upper east side for a little bit.

things are changing so fast that i feel like my head is going to spin sometimes.

i don't know why but i just felt this sudden downpour of despair.

life is good.

every time i use the bathroom at work, i remind myself to blog about this.

this is to all the guys out there.

pubes in the urinal-- why? no, seriously, why???

WHY DO GUYS PUT PUBES IN THE URINAL??? who the fuck does that? every time i go pee at work, there's always pubes in the damn urinal. and no, they don't all look like they're from one person either.

guys, do you just whip out your dicks and pull a bunch of pubes out afterwards, sprinkling it in the urinal like magical fairy dust? it's as if pissing in the damn urinal isn't enough to mark your territory, you have to leave some hairs too? i just do not understand it. ok, i can understand maybe one or two falling out when you open your pants, but judging from what i see at work, that is definitely not the case.

to all you serial pube droppers out there, stop the madness!

i'm craving the banana pudding from magnolia bakery. honestly, i've never had one of their cupcakes. i know its what they're best known for, but cupcakes just ain't my thing. but put any banana or citrus flavored dessert in front of me, and oh man i can go to town.

the banana pudding from magnolia is just fucking amazing. i recently only discovered it this past year, but i find myself craving it sometimes. ugh, and i haven't gone to the gym in a week! i've been feeling so damn lazy and tired these days. all i want to do is eat and be sedentary.

i started work yesterday and so far so good. i'm going to hold back from writing about how much i love it and shit, because it's only the beginning and i know that i'm always like this at the start of any job.

however, i do know that i want to throw myself completely into work and forget about everything else in my life.

here's a fun story about a miserably hot nyc summer night.

a few weeks ago, on a hot and humid summer night, some friends and i were hanging out with my sis. we went to a few bars in the l.e.s., and afterwards while walking back to the car, we saw this large painting on the street. someone was throwing it away, but it was in great condition and wasn't half bad, so we decided to salvage and try to take it home to one of my friend's new apartments.

this painting was HUGE and extremely heavy. we carried it a few blocks and were all dying from exhaustion. the humidity was making us all sweat too, and i especially had my shirt drenched.

when we finally got to the car, we couldn't fit in inside. we tried every door and possible angle, but it just wouldn't fit. we put it back on the street.

the end.

i need to learn how to not give a flying fuck about what people think about me.

fuck how my life looks on paper.

happiness and living well is the best revenge.

i need to get on top of my whole, "life-regimen" thing.

i feel so vulnerable.

i want to crawl into a deep hole and push a large boulder over the opening so i could sit alone in dark silence for eternity. that's where i belong.

does anyone else have their cliche, high-school-era-nightmares that have them waking up in a cold sweat? on tv they always show characters saying they showed up to school naked, but mine isn't quite like that.

mine ALWAYS have the same story line, and when i get them i usually tend to freak out and wake up in an absolute state of panic.

this is what happens in mine: i'm back in high school and have been cutting my math or science class for the past 2 weeks and am scared to go back to class because i think i'm going to get yelled at by my teacher. then i think i can't graduate and get my diploma, and that's where the panic sets in. while the dreams do tend to vary in plots and endings, they always have that same story line and i end up waking up confused, scared, and anxious.

as you can tell, i have some traumatic memories and issues from high school. truancy was my favorite class, and it tended to get me into deep shit.

anyhoo, i've been sleeping very hard for the past 2 weeks. it's odd. i can't seem to wake up for anything, my body is just physically exhausted and refuses to wake up when my 3 (yes three!!) alarms go off. i hate being like this. i can't wake up for shit and can't ever get anything done in the mornings. i told my friend about it, and he said i might be depressed. that would make sense because, well i just haven't been feeling right the past few weeks. i think the stress of finding a job has really been getting to me.

this morning on the subway i thought i wanted to kill myself. i just fucking hated everyone and everything and i knew i just needed to take a breather, so i watched sarah mclachlan's music video for "world on fire" (which i purchased onto my ipod months ago) and was instantly humbled. i need to be humbled more often. i have to realize that my life ain't as bad as millions of others around the world.

blah. good night.

demons are always trying to get at you.

i am definitely going to go see this kohei yoshiyuki exhibit at the yossi milo gallery here in nyc.

it looks--so, sexy.

damn, i cant sleep.

it is fucking RIDICULOUSLY hot out.

it's been a while since i came home this late.

i wanted to write out in detail about my day, but i'm too tired. i'll just lazily do a bullet point.

-went to the korean film festival during the day and saw the documentary about korean shaman (moodangs) titled "between." it very intense and interesting.
-had dinner w/ a friend at gama on st. marks
-got tea
-met up with other friends at some italian restaurant on 2nd ave and 7th street. had a seltzer water.
-went to urge and stayed there for what felt like hours. had more selter water.
-ended the night at trash on 10th between 2nd and 3rd and dance my fucking ass off while drinking selter water. i saw the artist 'young love' there, i love his fucking music. it's been a while since i danced that much, and SOBER! woah.

i came home completely soaked in sweat and just spent 30 mins scrubbing all the ddeh off my body.

good night all.

.

i want to crawl into a hole and stay there until my flesh rots away.

the new york korean film festival starts today. there's a few movies i want to see, but one in particular. i love the movie "200 lb beauty." i saw it in coex mall in korea and became an instant fan of kim ah-joong and the film.

anyhoo, it's playing this friday at cinema village on 12th street and i'm thinking of checking it out.

the new M.I.A. album will be available from itunes in 2 hours. i am so fucking god damn excited!!

i love 90's hip hop. it's so much better than any of the stuff that's out today.

when you compare albums that were released then to the ones that are out now, man the stuff that's out now doesn't even compare. from the lyrics, to the beats, to the overall sound, thing's were so much simpler and better back then.

the retail store that i've been working on and off at for about 3 years just recently opened a new store on the Upper East Side. i worked there today for the first time, and will be helping out again tomorrow, and then going back to the soho store on sunday.

cheers, good night.

ps- i went running around the reservoir in central park today before work and all i have to say is, it is so beautiful and peaceful up there. i miss nature.

i didn't go to the park today for a run. instead i went to the gym, and boy was i glad i went.

i have a 2nd interview on monday with a national magazine. i'd be working in the photo department, but making only $7.15 an hour, and it's only until december. hmm, we'll see how that goes.

i've been feeling so unmotivated the past week or so. i've come to realize that i'm a person who needs something to do. being busy with work is a thing i've come to appreciate in life. i can't wait until i find a new job and have a reason to get up in the mornings. these days, i've just been feeling blah. i work a few days a week in soho, but i'm getting so sick of the customers. i am not a people person. i haven't gone to the gym since last thursday, so i decided i would go to my local park today and go for a run. i live in queens, and am about a 10-15 minute walk away from kissena park. i usually never go to that park, i don't know, i've never liked it, but i figured some sun and sweat would do me some good. so i get there and just start jogging/walking around the reservoir, and get pretty bored fast. i decided to run on the outer and inner paths that go through the more wooded areas. after ten years of living here, i had never step foot on those paths, and i boy was i in for a shock today. the wooded paths were pretty empty compared to the area around the reservoir and playgrounds, and i didn't really expect to see anything interesting. i focused on my running with my ipod blasting, and then came up onto a field, and to my shock, i saw this guy sunbathing... completely nude. he was laying face down, and was this burly, muscled dude with tattoos all over his arms. i immediately did a double take and saw that he had the most perfect ass, big and round. i wasn't sure what to do next. all i could think was, "is this the gay section of the park?!" but this is KISSENA park in QUEENS, shit like that never happens here. i then saw him lift his head and look at me a few times, and i started to get nervous. we were the only 2 people in this area, did he think i was trolling for sex in the park and had come looking for guys? even though i would love to think that i would do something like that, i would never everrrr have the balls (no pun intended) to do anything public like that. i can't even mess around in cars out of paranoia, let alone mess around in public. anyway, after passing that guy, he was all i could think about it. i started thinking of ways on the trail that lead back that way so i could get another peek at him, but ultimately decided not to and just continued with my workout. it felt good to be sweating outside, and i'm thinking if i should go back tomorrow for another run. i doubt i will, but we'll see.

i need to find some fun things to do.

i'm starting to get into Yukio Mishima.

has anyone else read his books? there's something about Russian and Japanese authors that i've always felt a deep connection with.

anyhoo, i'm currently reading Mishima's, confessions of a mask, and i'm thoroughly enjoying it. some say that it's highly autobiographical, and after doing some research on mishima, i truly feel it is. and with that being said, it's clear that he was gay. it's interesting because as the "character" in the book recounts his childhood and some of the homosexual thoughts and feelings he had, it brought me back to my own experiences while growing up. i started to remember all the different emotions and thoughts i had completely forgotten about, and it made me wonder how i survived growing up.

i like his writing, it's simple and fluid, yet still manages to show the complexity of the inner dialogue that the character struggles with.

aside from mishima, there's nothing special going on in my life that is worth mentioning here.

blahh.

has anyone else noticed that the summer heat is making everyone in this city crazy as hell?

i want to be consumed by something...

is there a difference between writer's block and just being a bad writer?

life is grand.

one of my coworkers said the funniest thing to me today.

it was such a slow day, so all us workers were trying to keep ourselves entertained. at one point, one of them says "check this out." and she proceeds to change her hairstyle and when she did, i kind of was like "WOW you look so different!" in the three years that we were coworkers, she has always had the same hair style, so when she changed it i almost didn't even recognize her. it boggled my mind and i told her how i couldn't believe that in all the time i had known her, i had never seen her hair style change at all.

so a few minutes later, i forget what we were talking about, but i say, "yeah my friends say i look ugly when i smile like this." and i do this smile where my whole face is scrunched up, and then my same coworker from before goes, "omg-- i don't think i've ever seen you smile... i've seen you laugh, but i've NEVER seen you smile..."

when she said that, i looked at her face and she had the same look of bewilderment that i had had about her a few minutes earlier.

maybe i do need to smile more? i don't know, i just don't think i'm a happy person in general. i just never have been.

i'm not sure what it is, but the past few weeks have been especially horrible. i've been feeling like shit, i can barely make it through the days. my anxiety and depression have been coming on strong, and i can't get rid of this contstant veil of sadness that surrounds me every waking moment.

i wish it would just go away. i wish i could just live normally like other people. i wish that i could do things without worrying and thinking all this crazy ass shit. everything just makes me sad, everything.

from the moment i wake up, to the moment i'm home at night, i feel so fucking sad and i have no idea why. anyone who says mental illness does not exist, i beg to differ. i'm a normal person, just like you, but the difference between us is i can't understand how or why my life has become something i don't enjoy anymore. ah, thinking about it just drives me even more crazy.

i'm just waiting for this wave to go away. it usually does, but this one is taking a lot longer than others.