it's past 4 AM, and i'm still up because i just spent the past few hours glued to my laptop. this is why i try not to get into korean dramas, they're fucking addictive as crack and if the drama's good, it's always REALLY good.

i probably haven't watched a korean drama in literally years. i think the last drama i watched was "My Name is Kim Sam Soon" in 2005. i just started watching this newer one called "On Air," and it's about actors, writers, producers, and directors in korea's entertainment industry. oh mannn, it is soooo fucking good. i swear, the people who wrote this shit are geniuses. the plot is so twisted and amazing but believable at the same time and i feel like i'm really learning some inside stuff on what goes on there.

i started watching this a bit late so i was able to get the first 5 DVDs and watch them back-to-back. now i'm sad that i'm going to have to wait a week before i see a new episode because that's how often they air in korea and how they become available throughout the world.

sigh.

one and a 1/2 more days until the weekend... i can make it...

...destined for great things.

it is so beautiful out.

i went to the gym today and i've come to the conclusion that i cannot workout without music blasting in my ears. therefore, i went ahead and ordered a new ipod online.

damn you apple with your amazingly sexy products that i can't live without, damn you...

i'm having a bad week with my electronics.

i lost my ipod on saturday while out with friends. i was at a karaoke in ktown and took my ipod out to look for korean songs to sing. i guess in my drunken stupor, i left it on the table and didn't realize it until the next morning. of course when i call the karaoke place to check if they found it, they said there's nothing. ahhh i'm such a god damn idiot sometimes. i totally can't afford a new one right now, fuck fuck fuckk. i guess $250 for a new 80 gig one is worth it because i'll use it everyday and it'll be less than a dollar for a year, but i'm fucking broke!

i know i have to buy one because i'm sure as many of you new yorkers know, living in nyc without music to listen to is torture. riding the subway this morning, i feel like i was using my sense of hearing for the first time and this was the music to my morning commute: coughing, sneezing, loud music playing in other people's cheap earphones, more coughing, people talking way too loud, and more coughing. i can't read or do anything without background music on, my a-d-d kicks in and i get so distracted by all the people and noise around me.

then earlier today, some friends and i went to this GQ Magazine party at the Stoli Hotel on the west side. out of all my friends, i am usually always the one who brings a camera because i enjoy taking pictures and sending them to my friends. i'm very anal and a control freak when it comes to pictures, so this is perfect for me. so at the party, my friend is trying to take a picture of me and our other friend, and he says it's too dark and can't see anything on the camera screen so he doesn't know where to point before he shoots. i admonish him for being an idiot, and later find out that my screen is broken! argh, fuck fuckk fuckk. i guess i did get a good 3 years out of this digi cam, but still man- a lost ipod and broken camera in one week? that just sucks.

anyway, here's some pics we did manage to take from tonight's party.









the last is my friend wearing my glasses. hm, i think i look better in them.

i just slept 13 hours.

damn i feel good.

usually located directly to the right of the videos/multimedia section, i feel like "pictures of the day" on nytimes.com was created not only to show important world events of the day, but also to humble people.

i have days when i leave work completely annoyed and aggravated (like today) from all the stupid shit that happened in my day. i just want to be alone and not have to talk, look, or engage in any activity where i have to interact with another human being.

but then i come home and go through the "pictures of the day" section and realize, all the inconsequential bullshit that happened in my day is nothing but that- inconsequential bullshit, and i should just shut up and realize how good life is. there are literally hundreds of millions of people in the world going through life-altering events that i will hopefully never be subjected to, and i am grateful for that.

i love being humbled, but sometimes it's so damn hard. all i do is think all day at work and i'm afraid i'll never be happy. i'm always on the lookout for the next thing in my life and i can't ever seem to feel content with where i am. yes, works keeps me extremely busy throughout the day but i feel so bored with what i'm doing, and with life in general. i need a new project, job, hobby, or person to just keep me busy and not thinking about all the stuff that usually races through my mind.

so i had a very stressful day yesterday because of work and a personal matter.

work has been kicking my ass lately. the past few weeks have just been madness in the office and i feel like everyone is always running around like chickens without their heads. everyday is just a constant flow of annoyingness, meetings, annoyingness, more meetings, etc. Suffice it to say, the stress level for everyone is through the roof. also, finding out about another personal matter that really gave me one of the biggest shocks in awhile didn't help, so i came home feeling pretty drained and exhausted.

i come home and decide to drink a 40oz i've had in the fridge for a few weeks. i see that my roommate is up and already drinking, so i ask if he wants to split my beer with me. he said yes and then we started talking and actually kind of got to know eachother. i realize in 5 months, we never really did that.

oh man, all i have to say is the stuff i found out about him just floored me, it's the funniest and craziest fucking shit that i never, EVER, EVERRRR in my life would've expected.

if i write a book one day, i am dedicating a whole chapter to write about his story because there's no way i ever wouldn't include it! this stuff is too good and must be shared throughout the lands...

this is when i say, "oh 25, there you go again!"

i fucking love me a good korean power ballad.

i think my roommate just brought a guy home... hahah i don't know why i find this so funny.

i know i've blogged about this before, but now i'm going to make it one of my themes of the year: when you become 25, everything in your life just changes.

i've been preaching about this to all my friends, who are also mostly born in 1983, but since i turned 25, for some reason my whole outlook in life has just drastically changed. all these crazy, unexpected thoughts and events keep happening and when they do, the only thing i have to say is, "oh...25, there you go again."

i totally forgot that i wanted to write about my living situation.

well, i've been in astoria since january and suffice it to say, after what is 4 months of living here, i can no longer stand it. on saturday i told my roommate that i'm leaving at the end of may and this is exactly how our conversation went.

ME: "hey saba (made up name), i just wanted to let you know since it's almost the end of the month, that i'm going to be leaving at the end of may. just use my last month's rent check i gave you when i first moved in."

SABA: "okay."

ME: *a bit shocked that he didn't hassle me* "great!" *smiling as i go back to my room to get ready for my friend's bday*

i dont think my roommate was at all surprised because i've been having A LOT of issues with the apartment in the past few months. oh man i cant wait to blog about it and list all the crazy, disgusting shit that's happened to me here! but that'll have to be done when i'm in a new apartment and the memories of living in this shithole are something i could laugh about for the rest of my life.

so it's official, i have to look for a new place to live in starting in june. i get to live with more crazy strangers from craigslist, oh joy! it's funny how i don't know a single person who is moving out and needs someone to look for an apartment with. if anyone knows of any normal ass people in nyc who are in need of a roommate starting in june, send them my way. i'd love to stay in astoria, and will ABSOLUTELY not live anywhere where i have to take the 7 train (i have issues with everything about that line).

oh man... i'm still a bit brain dead from last. went out for one of my best friend's birthdays and honestly drank way too much, but had an awesome time nonetheless. i don't really remember much of the night, but from the stuff i do remember, it all just makes me smile or laugh.

i woke up today at noon, went to a friend's apt for a little, and then have been sitting in my room since 3 pm. i can't believe it's 10:30, that's fucking madness. i didn't do shit today.

yesterday during the day, my friend junho and i walked around the city and checked out the street fair that was running on 8th ave downtown. there was so much food to eat there, and after walking through the whole fair, i decided to get a corn dog. i go and order one and then the guys tells me it costs $5. five fucking dollars for a corndog at the street fair? that is just crazy. i walked away and got chipotle instead.

after hours of walking around and talking, we ended up back in queens and was going to eat dinner at his house but decided to pick up some Unidentified Flying Chicken on the way. has anyone ever had that? you know i'm a huge fan of korean-style fried chicken and have to say UFC was pretty damn good. i'll definitely be hitting up that place again. if anyone is ever around 74th street, go check it out!

since a year and a half ago, i've been telling one of my best friends who works at a fashion label that tie-dye will absolutely make a comeback! i just had a hunch and a gut feeling that i couldn't explain but knew had to be shared with the world. along with all my other friends, she scoffed and said i was crazy. fast forward to now, and i have to say i was right, tie-dye has been popping up everywhere.

today at work, i received a package through messenger- and lo' and behold, it's a tie-dye shirt that my friend's fashion label had produced for their new merchandising line. a-ha! well, since i was meeting my close group of friends for dinner, i decided to surprise them and quickly changed into the shirt before i left my office.

we had dinner at moonstruck in the east village.

vindication feels great.

don't really have much to talk about, so i'll just post some pics.

i only have 2 close college friends, yes- i was a loser. one is in la, trying to do the whole acting and entertainment thing, and my other friend, magali, is in london. last thursday, i received a voicemail from magali saying that she's coming into town for a week! ah, i was jumping for joy when i saw her last night. we went to yaffa cafe and sat in the back garden while drinking beers and catching up on the last 8 months of our lives. we bar hopped for a little afterwards, and i'm planning to see her this tues because her bf is playing some show at hiro.


a few weeks ago, i was invited to a book release party through work. the best thing is, it's a book about hamburgers and is aptly titled, The Hamburger, and written by Josh Ozersky, who I've had the privilege of meeting. first of all, i LOVE hamburgers. hamburgers are the shit. i could live my life off burgers. all my friends know i'm a die hard burger guy. whenever i go to a restaurant, i would always order the burger no matter what type of restaurant i was at (don't do that too much now, i realized it's not the best thing for my health). anyhoo, my friend jess came to the party with me and there were free burgers, fries and beer everywhere. the burgers were fucking amazing. the meat was so fresh, and the english muffin bun and sauce that was on it was perfection. unfortunately, there were so many people at the event that i couldn't get seconds. instead, we left the party and decided to go to crif dogs and then get some takoyaki at otafuku on 9th street.

coming home is so lonely.

i'm at sympathy for the tea kettle in the east village and am drinking a strawberry cardamom smoothie. while it's not the most appetizing drink, it does feel refreshing in the warm, ny spring weather.

it's funny how the weather completely affects life. i know that sounds like such a dumb and simple statement, but it's so true. just walking around downtown, it took me a while to get used to all the cafes and restaurants that have set up tables and eating areas on the sidewalk. winter just passed by so fast, and i'm kind of sad that there was no major snowfall. oh well.

currently on obsessive repeat: fiona apple's debut album, tidal.

i think i know what my problem is.

what am i so afraid of?

the epicurean magazine that i work at threw one of the biggest food bashes of the year on thursday. too lazy to get into details, but we had a fun photo booth at the party and i just wanted to share some of the pics.

i got shat on by a bird yesterday and didn't even know until i got home.

hmm, i wonder how long i was walking around for with it on my back.

it's 3 am and i can't sleep.

went to the doctor today for an annual check up. among many things- i was able to: finally get my balls checked, submit my blood to get some tests done, and talked about my insmonia. i told him i've had sleeping issues since i was in junior high school. my doctor suggested i stop stressing about things and i should be able to sleep better. how exactly am i supposed to go about doing that? i need to move out at the end of april. moving is annoying. i'm tired of living with strangers. i have no idea what i'm going to do. i'm living one day at a time. the gym is boring, i enjoy running outdoors instead. i need to buy new running sneakers. i am so broke. buying halal food is a splurge. eating at rare work events is what i look forward to or else it's yogurt/miso soup/tofu for me. being poor is the best diet supplement ever! i can't believe it's past 3 and i can't sleep. i want to call in sick tomorrow. work is okay. all i can do is envision my future, but i'm still not sure what that is. i feel so lonely. i need companionship. last friday night, i realized that are some things that you don't even want to tell your best friend. some things are better left unknown. i need to get some sleep in order to function tomorrow.

when did i forget who i am?

i REALLY need to find a new place to live.

i am so fucking lonely.

riding the subway during friday night rush-hour while it's raining cats and dogs in nyc is not fun, especially when i have to get onto the train at times square.

today was such a slow work day. i suggested to my department that we all go out to eat for lunch together, and we decided on going to this restaurant called Insieme in midtown. i have to say the food was pretty decent. my colleague got their lasagna, which was voted as "the best of new york" in this week's issue of new york magazine.

i did leave the meal still feeling a little bit hungry though, and found the portions to be small. my appetizer was the vitellone crudo alla piemontese, which is pasture-fed baby beef tartare with porcini mushrooms and lemon. for my entree, i went with the lamb tenderloin, which is lamb breast, lamb sausage, Jerusalem artichokes, brussel sprouts and smoked garlic. my dessert was scrumptious- i had the torta di ricotta, which was ricotta and orange cheesecake. the best part of the meal was being out of the office for almost three hours, and just hanging out with my coworkers.

i just got home and am going to go for a run, and then go to my friend's bday party tonight in the lower east side. i hope the rain stops by then.

my boss asked me to attend this event next friday with a coworker. apparently there are numerous underground eating and food clubs that have been popping up all over new york, especially in williamsburg (that's in brooklyn for all you non nyers), every once in a while. the location is always at a secretive/private venue and is constantly changing- you also need a special invitation and code to purchase a ticket. anyhoo, i was able to secure a ticket with a coworker and am pretty psyched to go. yes- i agree, sometimes my job has its perks. the menu seems pretty appetizing: bacon poached swordfish? berkshire pork tartare? crispy american lamb breast? um, fuck yeah, count me in.

speaking of food, my friend treated me to dinner last night and we went to shanghai mong in koreatown. i've eaten there before, but never noticed this amazing dish they have for $8.95. they have this special that comes out with 1/2 an order of jjajangmyeon (짜장면) and 1/2 an order of jjampong (짬뽕), how fucking genius is that??

the forever ongoing debate of ordering jjajangmyeon (짜장면) or jjampong (짬뽕) at a restaurant is finally solved, amen.

i think i've been feeling extra lonely the past few weeks. i know this because everyday when i come home, all i do is look at porn for hours. i normally don't do this so often, but lately it's been all i do.

i think i'm just bored and need to find some damn things to take my mind off feeling like this. i've just been in a funk.

i've been doing this since high school and am not sure if anyone else also does this, but sometimes i just walk around by myself for hours. it's usually when i have nothing to do or nowhere to go or i want to be alone. i'll just walk around aimlessly, listening to music and... thinking. usually, i walk in my normal pace and still act like i'm in a rush and as if i was late to meet up with friends. i still sigh and express my annoyance at people when they're walking too slow in front of me or hogging the sidewalk, even though i have no destination or anyone to meet. in the end, i always end up coming home tired and feeling so blah.

i think i know what my problem is- i want too much at once. i'm always thinking about the future and what's to come, and can't ever focus on what's going on at the moment. i get sick of things so fast, the novelty wears off and i look for my next thing. i have commitment problems, phone contracts for more than a year scare the fuck out of me. i never seem to be happy with where i am or what i'm doing, the grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side. i hate schmoozing with a passion. i have no idea of what the fuck i want to do with my life. my best friend's roommate is my age and just got engaged. she's 25 and engaged, i'm 25 and have never been in a serious relationship.

i wish i could fall asleep at a reasonable hour. insomnia makes me feel absolutely insane.

damn you insomnia, damn you.

isn't it funny that nothing is ever what it seems?

i need a mentor.

so lonely.

i want to crawl into a cave and sleep for a week in the dark, away from people and hidden from the sun.

25 is going to be my year, i just know it... there are so many things i want and plan to do before my next birthday...

first step is to take better care of my body. while i have made tremendously positive changes in my life within the past year, i have such a long ways to go and everything starts with baby steps, right?

i need discipline in my life.

i need to learn to say no.

i need some healthy hobbies to keep me busy.

i want change.

i just got back from LA about an hour ago, and what a whirlwind my trip was.

our magazine's oscars party was a success, and the food was amazing. wow wow wow, i can't even begin to describe the amazing quality of the delicious food at the event. like almost every other person at the event, i ate until i was about to explode, and enjoyed every damn bite of it. the only part of the party i disliked is schmoozing, i fucking hate doing that shit. i did get used to it about an hour or two, but man- talk about awkward.

after the event, some of my colleagues and i went to some boring hotel called the l'hermitage and had some drinks at the lobby. i was a bit excited because i got to meet and hang out with a very well respected chef who has critically acclaimed restaurants nationwide. he's also a bit of a famous tv food personality, so i had a surreal moment while sitting next to him and sharing a dish of wasabi-peas as we all had a few drinks and conversation.

the most surreal part of the night was the very ending. so, the dj that was hired at my work event got my coworker and i onto the list at hyde, which i guess is one of the current hotspots of LA. my coworker, who is a beautiful young woman and one of the most sincerest and endearing people i've ever worked it, go to hyde and get in no problem. i was surprised at how tiny this place was, like more of a small rectangular box where you can pretty much see every person in the club. as soon as we get in, my celeb-radar goes crazy because i start recognizing a few people here and there.

let's just say, a very well known actor/comedian/bff to michael jackson hit on my coworker, and the three of us were chilling all night. i also had soo many other random celebs, and couldn't believe my luck that my first night in LA was filled with such star sightings.

LA itself seems a bit dull to me, there's no energy anywhere. i think it's because i stayed in beverly hills, and everything is just so plain and vanilla there. there's absolutely no culture in beverly hills except for money, it's all about the green and flashing it in any way possible. i think i'd like to go visit LA again and maybe do some more interesting stuff, like check out other neighborhoods that have a bit more flavor.

the bad thing about my trip is i didn't take any pictures until wed, when my coworker and i had some downtime before our flight. she rented a convertible volks-wagon beatle so we were able to drive around with the top down today. this was an extra special treat for me because it's always been a dream of mine to drive across the country in a mini-cooper convertible.

ok, i'm off to bed. i have to go into the office tom, blah.

how is it already past midnight? wow...

i've been in front of my computer for the past two and a half hours, listening to one song on repeat:

Stevie Wonder- Never Dreamed You'd Leave in Summer

when did valentines day become a holiday?? what, are they going to stop delivering the mail on feb 14 as well?

i crashed at my friend's apt last night in chinatown, after she took me to dinner at ed's lobster bar (fucking yum!) on lafayette.i've been there before, and had the lobster pot pie again and it was damn good. well, i woke up this morning at 6, rode a cab to astoria, then showered and left for work. i briefly watched the today show for a few minutes, and saw meredith viera interviewing this political advisor for hillary clinton. now, when his live feed started working, the first thing he said to meredith was, "happy valentines day!" i couldn't believe this was actually happening on national tv. wtf? why the hell would you wish someone a happy valentines day when you're a political advisor and you're on the today show? and then meredith replied with some shit like, "thanks you, too!"

then i get to work and all throughout the day, people are "wishing me a happy valentines day." i'm pretty sure i would think this way even if it had a boyfriend, but to wish someone a happy valentines day is just dumb. if you're not in the 3rd grade and distributing cheap valentines day cards with those nasty heart shaped candy, i just don't think it's appropriate.

blah, i'm just ranting.

today feels like the first day in weeks where i've come home before midnight and i'm doing absolutely nothing. ahhh, sure feels nice. i have a stack of magazines with my name on it.

i am humbled by my friends and loved ones around me, and know that you know- things aren't so bad sometimes. i wasn't going to have a birthday dinner today, but my friends convinced me to at least do something and i'm so glad i did. we ended up going to Bon Chon.

i'm 25.

i just came back from Trade Fair, my local 24-hour supermarket by my apartment here in astoria.

as i was in line, looking at my 4 items sitting on the conveyor belt between two blue dividers, i thought about what my friday nights have become: standing in line at the supermarket at midnight, waiting to purchase two bottles of drano max, a ham and swiss sandwich and pink lemonade crystal light.

damn, i need some new hobbies.

i'm completely broke right now, but later on when i have some money, i'm going to order every single one of these pillows in family sizes. i love food stuff! check them out here: www.sweet-meats.com

anyhoo- it's kind of late and i just got home. it felt good to dance again.

and btw, agyness deyn totally bumped into me at the party.

there's nothing casual about casual sex. there's something about sex with strangers that just doesn't do it for me. or maybe it's sex in general? i think it's overrated.

yesterday i went to The Ritz-Carlton to eat at BLT Market for a lunch meeting. can i just say that, sometimes i love my fucking job and am grateful to be able to eat at all these wonderful places.

suffice it to say, i was so excited to go to BLT Market and of course, the food was absolutely amazing. for my appetizer, i had mache salad with deviled quail eggs and black truffles. my entree was a shrimp and lobster risotto with cauliflower and black truffles. the risotto was so rich and delicious, it was the perfect dish to keep me warm on from the cold winter's day. for dessert i had a black coffee and a caramelized crepe soufflé with tangerine sauce and pomegranate seeds. wowza, soo good!

my cousin tim, who was my gracious host while i was in korea last year, came back to nyc for a few weeks, so all us cousins decided to meet for dinner and drinks. we ate at City Crab, which was pretty good. i've eaten there before and have to say that i was not that impressed with the food last night. everything was a bit blah. anyhoo, afterwards we all headed to koreatown for some drinks and debauchery at players and baden baden. i ended up sleeping at my sister's place in nj and just got back to my apt two hours ago.

crystal light is damn awesome.

it's refreshing, crisp, tasty, and most important of all, only 5 calories per serving. when i come home from the gym, i always reward myself with a tall glass to quench my thirst. thank you crystal light.

i miss juju.

damn, i still need to buy a bed. sleeping on the floor has lost its novelty.

i made a complete impulse purchase today at kim's video on st. marks. i bought the dvd of the reality bites. i've loved this movie from when i was a kid, and purchased the soundtrack in 7th grade (i still listen to it constantly). i was also very, very into lisa loeb back then, and remember waiting for her "stay" video to play on mtv all the time. a few years ago when i worked retail in soho, she once came into the store and was as cute as a button. i heart you lisa loeb.

i wish i knew what i wanted in life

i went to the gym today after not having worked out in like 3 weeks. wow- i feel completely exhausted right now, i can't even speak. but damn it felt good to sweat. also one thing i learned today, one of the best things to work out to is American Gladiators on nbc. holy fuck, Helga is intsense, i love it!

after the gym, my friend junho drove me to the local 24 hour supermarket in Astoria called Trade Fair, and i did some grocery shopping. grocery shopping is so much fun. i'm trying to buy only healthy stuff and what not, but i spoiled myself with two banquet tv dinners at $.99 each. i'll save those for a rainy day when i'm craving hot food. one is fried chicken and the other is chicken fried steak with gravy.

i know it's only monday, but so far i'm doing okay on my whole spending $20 on cash throughout the week plan. lunch time is the hardest because i absolutely fucking love halal food, and the smell of chicken over rice with extra white sauce just makes me salivate (i'm literally salivating as i write this). but i was good today and ate my healthy food that i bought from home. we'll see how the rest of the week goes.

this is going to be THE week.

this is going to be the week where i take out $20 from the atm on monday, and that money has to last me throughout the workweek. from monday through friday, the only money i will absolutely have to spend will be the $20. every morsel of food i eat will be healthy and from my weekly shopping done at the grocery store. instead of going out to dinner and meeting friends after work, i'll go work out and then come home or something.

we'll see how long this lasts!

i used to be scared of roaches but now they just fucking piss the fuck out of me, esp when they crawl near me as i'm trying to sleep. fucking kill them all.

damn, why do i feel like shit?

there's so much injustice in the world.

i finally moved today into my new place in astoria, good bye upper east side! it's my first night here and it's yet to feel like home. i feel like i'm squatting an empty room with all my stuff scattered about.

i have to admit though it does feel nice to unpack boxes that haven't seen the light of day since i packed them in november. i'm no longer living out of bags of clothing and can finally feel like i can unwind. my room is a decent size with a nice closet. here's a few pics for some visuals.





it'll prob take some time before i get all my furniture and other much needed stuff, blah.

sometimes i feel like i'm 18 and living my life for the first time.

i've had so many first-time life experiences within the past year, especially the past 4 months, and with each passing day i'm learning so much more about myself.

i finally am no longer living with my parents, and feel this indescribable weight has been lifted off my shoulders. i feel like i can finally be myself and live my life how i want. no more hiding my life behind my room door. no more talking in a monotone voice because that's how i naturally speak if i'm not 100% comfortable. no more soul-sucking commute. no more having to pretend that i am someone that i'm not.

i've been living in the Upper East Side since november and it's great and all, but everything's so temporary and i've been living out of trash bags filled with clothes- i haven't really unpacked anything else. i dont cook here or have any of my stuff out. i basically watch tv, sleep, shower, and that's pretty much it. i was originally staying here with the intentions of moving out with a close friend in january, but those plans fell completely through so i had to find other living arrangements. i looked on craigslist and found a bedroom in a 2-bedroom apartment in astoria, queens. my future roommate seems normal and nice, and i'm hoping that we don't have any problems living together. i guess we'll just have to see. there's no living-room in the place and the only common areas are the bathroom and kitchen, which is fine with me, i usually like being alone when i'm home and can be found in my room anyway. it's going to be exciting to feel like i finally have a home again, somewhere i can just go and relax. i can't wait to have a place to call my own... plus, i don't have a lease which is good because if any living arrangements with friends come my way, i'll be able to take them into careful consideration.

another of many lifetime-firsts in the past few months is dating. i've been seeing people here and there and have been having a great time. for the first time i've been able to meet others that i hit it off with, and have met some really nice guys. i think it's taken me 24 years to date because i probably wasn't truly ready before. now, i feel confident about myself and my life, and maybe it shows in my walk or how i carry myself, but i guess others seem to notice. it probably also has to due with the fact that i've lost a substantial amount of weight, and haven't ever felt this attractive in my adult life. it's so exciting to go out and talk to people. whereas in before, i would go out and spend hours somewhere and not speak to anyone new. or if i was introduced to new people, i'd always be jaded and do the whole "be cold to everyone and you won't get hurt" thing.

this is the first year where i feel like i've truly gotten to know and love my sister as a sibling, woman and just as a normal person. i feel that coming out to here was a huge step in this because before i did, i always thought that i never really liked my sister. and i absolutely know in my heart that i felt like that because i didn't ever want to get close to her and let her know that i was gay. but with nothing to hide now, i feel i'm being a true brother to her for the first time in our lives. now we talk all the time and i tell her absolutely EVERYTHING that's going on in my life, haha but i'm not sure if that's a bad or good thing in her opinion. i feel this amazing bond with her that i feel only siblings can feel- we just completely get each other. imagining my life without her or thinking about having the type of relationship that we used to have just makes me so sad, and i know that'll never happen. i'm truly so happy and proud of the woman she's become, and can't wait to see what the rest of our lives have in store for us.

this is also one of the first years in my life where i finally didn't just find a job, but i found a career. working at my current job is just an absolute dream, and i feel truly blessed. i know that i'll be here for a while, and it's such an awesome place to learn and start what will hopefully be a long career.

there are so many other things that has happened, but i'll leave that for later entries.

i hope everyone has a safe and enjoyable new year's.

what a difference a year makes.

this has been the longest work week i've ever had.

one more day...one more day!

i don't think i've ever written about my dog, Juju.

one day in 1999, my sister came home with this tiny little chihuahua, a poor street dog who had almost no teeth and had definitely lived a hard life. we didn't know where she came from or even how old she was- everything about her past was a complete mystery. my family had never had a dog, and at first it was difficult to embrace Juju and open our hearts to her. she seemed more of an inconvenience than anything else. feeding her and taking her outside were all chores that we didn't want to do, especially my parents. they seemed indifferent about her and my mom always seemed a bit afraid of this tiny little dog who constantly shivered and always wanted her tummy rubbed. but with time, everything changed and we grew to love Juju as another member of the family. my dad especially came to love her the most, and became the most protective of her. he fed her, bathed her, took her to the vet once every three weeks, and could be found every morning at 6 AM, walking her.

i loved it when Juju would sleep in my room. she was so tiny and always liked to sleep on my pillow. every morning when i woke up, i would open my eyes to see her curled up into a little ball, with her soft fur touching my cheek. another thing she'd always do is whenever i was stomach down on my couch, she would curl up into a little ball between my thighs and take a nap.

on friday, juju had to be put to sleep. her old age had caught up to her and on top of slowly losing her eyesight, she hadn't been able to eat or use the bathroom for the past 4 days. she stayed up all night crying and wasn't able to do much else. my dad took her to the vet and was told by the doctor that there was nothing that could be done to help her, and that she was in a lot of pain. he suggested putting her to sleep but my dad refused. he took her to another doctor for a second opinion and was told the same thing. he reluctantly accepted the truth and knew what had to be done...

i'll miss you Juju, r.i.p. thanks for sharing your life with us and enriching our family in a way that is describable beyond words.

i had dinner at lil frankies today. if you're ever downtown around 1st ave and houston and in need of a place for dinner, look no further! the food here was amazing, and the prices are very very reasonable.

i also wanted to share a boring story about the anna sui t-shirt i'm wearing. it was given to me awhile ago by judy (girl with bangs), who happens to be one of my closest friends and a designer at anna sui. the t has a picture of a very sexy woman with her boobs kinda popping out. well, i decided to wear it on friday because i have casual fridays at work, and i choose the day to express myself with clothes i would never be able to wear mon-thurs. i get to my office and ask one of my coworkers about what she thought. while she said it was great and loved the design, she mentioned it might not be the best thing to wear around the office. hearing that instantly made me paranoid, and it's funny because right after that happened, i was walking to pick something up at the printer and i saw the Editor-In-Chief of the magazine standing right in front of me. i instantly crossed my arms and ran to the bathroom to flip the t inside out and wore that until the clock turned 6. yes- i know, boring story indeed.

here are a few pics from the weekend. it's been a while since i brought out my camera.

i love sunday mornings like today.

waking up and lazily lying in bed while watching the snow fall outside my window is the greatest way to start a new day.

i miss you.

i'm pretty exhausted but i wanted to make sure i wrote an entry today.

tonight is my last night sleeping at my house. i'm going to sleep at the UES apartment for the first time tomorrow, and then come back to my house in Queens on Wednesday after work to move the rest of my stuff out of here.

i have to say that knowing that this is my last night in my house is a bit weird. i find myself feeling a bit nostalgic, and can't stop thinking about all the memories i'll have of this place, both good and bad. today i started doing some heavy duty cleaning and threw away some furniture and my tv! oh man, it's such a weird feeling to not have a tv in my room... everything feels so quiet and eerily empty. does anyone else know that feeling? when you're moving into a new place or moving out of an old place, and you have no tv and the house just feels so odd? yeah, that's what i'm feeling right now.

since i've always been comforted in my "throw away therapy," meaning whenever i'm in a bad mood i just throw stuff away, i didn't think i would have much stuff to move. in all honesty i dont, but i have a massive amount of books. it's crazy that i never realized the amount of books i really have. aside from that, i have some clothes and that's pretty much it. but i still sort of feel like i have too much stuff. it's good because i've come to realize that materialistic things don't really matter as much as they used to. in fact, aside from books and digital music, i don't really like having anything. just looking at all the boxes in my room now make me cringe, i can't even imagine how much stuff i'd have if i didn't do my "throw away therapy."

sighhhh.

it sucks that i have work tomorrow and that i can't enjoy my last night here. i'm completely exhausted and know i have to get up early so i guess that's it for now.

good bye home... thanks for the past ten years. now it's time to move on and make some new memories in different places.

everything in life is just so overrated. nothing excites me. i'm not trying to sound all suicidal or dramatic, but honestly nothing excites me anymore. i need some new hobbies.

i must admit that working for an epicurean magazine has its perks. i get to go to some awesome food events, and my knowledge of high quality cuisine is expanding with time.

tomorrow night, i'm going to attend SWEET. it's boasted as "new york's biggest desert festival," and there's supposed to be a great line-up of food network personalities and others giving cooking demonstrations and providing samples, woohoo.

but before SWEET, my boss is going to take me to newly opened Lunetta. i'm so excited to try this try this place, i am so ready for some good food. i've stopped myself from googling the place too much because i'm hoping to go in absolutely surprised.

anyhoo, just wanted to share a pic i took with my sister earlier tonight. went to dinner and a bar after (no, i did not drink) in koreatown.

i can't wait until it snows.

woah, thanksgiving is next week... that's madness!