i've been thinking about it and i really know what my problems in life are. i'm talking about the core issues i have with myself and about myself because the outcome of theses issues affect other aspects of my life, and as do those as the cycle continues and doesn't stop growing. the scary part is starting from the bottom and not knowing what's going to happen---but i need to take some control back in my life, i'm tired of being so miserable.

why does a big bowl of pasta feel so good in my belly? i liken it to the same feeling as a really big and warm hug.

i don't even need anything fancy for my pasta---sauteed in a pan for 3 minutes with light butter, pepper and sea salt chunks is more than enough. sometimes i just crave carbs, my body doesn't feel nourished until it has some. unfortunately i've had this same craving for the last week or so so i really need to start craving veggies and salads soon.

i think the ny literary gods are trying to give me a sign. jim nelson came into my work place last night and i practically shat my pants because i got so excited. i can't believe that after years of worshipping the guy, i was finally able to see him live and in person. he was very sweet and i'm an even bigger fan of him and his work than i was yesterday morning. then today i saw michael musto riding his bike past me in the east village. i've randomly see him around before a few times, but never on his bike.

dear ny literary gods, what are you trying to tell me?? probably that i need to get my ass to start really writing.

all my friends know that i love cold weather (it makes me feel alive) and absolutely hate summer (it makes me feel lazy and sweaty), but there's something exhilarating about riding a yellow cab home over the manhattan bridge on a cool summer night at 4 am with the window down and summer wind in your face---especially if riding in a car is a rarity and you just heard some really awesome news that could positively change your life and future.

hard work does pay off.

have you ever heard or listened to a song a countless numbers of times without ever giving it much thought? then one day it plays on your ipod because you always put it on random and while while you're reading at the nypl at 42nd street, for some reason you notice a lot of great things about it that you've never noticed before? then it goes in your new music/shit i want to listen to now playlist and you've obsessively listened to it a million times.

i'm going through that right now with depeche mode- blasphemous rumours from their album some great rewards.

(and btw this honestly has nothing to do with anything i'm growing through at the moment).

the break up wasn't ugly and i know it's for the better, but thinking about the whole situation and how things unfolded just makes me so sad.

i just feel so sad about everything.

i can't remember the last time i was home in brooklyn on a friday night because i usually always stayed at his place every weekend in the UES. my roommate is also out of town until this sunday night, so i have the place all to myself. i don't know if that's a good or bad thing. i just want to shower, have some beer and go to bed for now.

i had the worst night of sleep. ever.

i feel like absolute shit right now. i need a super hot shower.

now what?

When I get depressed, I like to aimlessly walk around the city for hours. I just blast music and walk and ponder---it's usually the only thing that makes me feel better sometimes.

I'm falling deeper in love with NYC with each passing day.

i don't know where my life is going.

i'm freaking out.

i don't know what to do with my life.

I love getting stoned and walking around the city. It's the best thing ever.

Sitting in Washington square park after eating 2 cookies a friend made me. The summer breeze feels so good and people watching is fun.

i'm not sure how it is at other restaurants, but at work we have to be very vocal about our sense of space. we always yell, "CORNER!" or "BEHIND!" or "COMING UP!" and other shit like that if there's even a chance of running into a coworker with plates or glasses in their hands, it doesn't matter where we are.

when i work at the pass of the restaurant as a runner, i have to yell "BEHIND!" every time i approach to let the expeditor know, just in case he turns around and knocks into me. trust me, i approach the pass countless times a night and always wanted to get someone to count the times i say it. anyway, all day i yell/scream this shit at work and while it was very weird to me at first, i'm so used to it now that i get the natural urge to do it outside of work. when i'm turning a corner anywhere, i always want to yell "CORNER!" but always manage to stop myself. it's worst with people because if they're in my way, i just want to yell "BEHIND! or "COMING THROUGH!"

it's also funny because sometimes i have no control over what i'll say. i remember once i work, i was coming out of a corner and instead of yelling "CORNER!" i yelled "AGUA!" yes, random. then today as i was going down some stairs and about to turn a corner, i yelled, "CORN!"

seriously though, why are all my mild vocal-spasms related to food??

stoned and brushing my teeth at 4am. do i really look like this??

east village, nyc. belcourt cafe on 2nd ave and 4th street, having $5 belcourt cocktails and the special of 1/2 a dozen oysters for $10. it was around 7pm and the weather was crisp and the streets were alive with the first baby steps of summer. with not a raindrop or cloud in the sky, i sat there with my sister and blogger friend from sf, enjoying the weather and each other's company. then i got a text from my friend jess that michael jackson had died.

so, where were you when you found out?

all of lee moon sae's (이문세) albums, especially his early ones, are pure korean classics.

sometimes i wish i was born during this time period, listening to the vinyls as a youth as i obsess over each song like an awkward teenage girl---pressing the album sleeve to my chest as i stare at the ceiling and concentrate on the lyrics. i've slowly been moving back in time in regards to korean music i've been listening to lately. i've pretty much mastered all the 90's stuff and now i've been getting into the folk/pop korean music from the 80's and early 90's.

music in general nowadays is okay, but the experience just isn't the same. there doesn't seem to be much sincerity left in it, which i guess is okay if you're drunk and dancing at a party or you're competing on some lame ass reality show on tv.

the following are the current lee moon sae (이문세) albums i'm obsessing over. they're from '85, '87 and '88. i would love to dedicate a drunken night of karaoke to only lee moon sae songs, that would be awesome. so, any takers?

this past weekend in nyc was finally sunny and beautiful. i was dog-sitting again so i thought it'd be fun to go the park in dumbo. it felt nice to get some rays and enjoy the summer weather. woo-fucking-hoo.

i think i need a good sob session. i'm talking about that deep, physical, painful cry that's filled with hurt and sincerity.

i feel so pent up but i can't seem to let anything out. i don't know what to do.

i've been falling asleep around 7am for the past week or so. i have to sleep with this free jetblue eyemask my sister randomly gave me a year or so again because of the bright summer sun that starts to rise a little after 4am. i feel so cracked out because of my crazy sleep schedule.

i've always loved the east village, and especially love the fact that the restaurant i work at is located there as well.

it feels nice not to work a block away from soul-sucking times square anymore---that place is ridden with corporate assholes and tourists galore. i mean don't get me wrong, every office of most major magazines in nyc is practically located near times square and i would never turn down a job because of its location, but it sure is nice not to be in midtown everyday. instead, now i get off from brooklyn at the F stop at houston and 2nd ave and have a leisurely walk up 2nd avenue to work. i love this part of my day because i just love the neighborhood so much. especially now with the spring weather, i like sitting on the benches at the church on 2nd and 10th street and people watch if i have any time before my shift starts. even when i go out with friends to grab dinner or a drink, we're usually always in the east village (at least somewhere around there). my favorite haunts are any of the small hole-in-the-wall japanese restaurants and bars such as Go, Decibel or Yakinuku West, gay bars such as Urge (my favorite gay bar in nyc) or Eastern Bloc, and the countless other establishments with an unlimited amount of crazy characters and experiences just waiting to happen.

i'm writing of my love for the east village because i felt such a camaraderie with the neighborhood earlier this evening. i've felt this way before, but something about today felt extra special. eating my $5 chicken-over-rice halal food on the steps of the park next to the sunshine theatre around midnight tonight as i avoided the 3 shady looking characters that kept circling around me, all i did was exhale and smile as i looked up at the clear sky and felt such content.

below is a pic i took of a crosswalk on 1st street and 2nd ave awhile ago. it was left like this for weeks, but i noticed a few days ago that the sign has gone back to normal.

i <3 br="" ny.="">

dear world,

please stop copping a fucking attitude with a host/hostess at a restaurant because you're hungry and cranky. seriously, step the fuck away from my god damn space and chill out.

thank you.

i started hosting at work. apparently i'm the first ever male host at the restaurant, random. thank god this isn't one of those places where i have to wear any sort of uniform, i love that i can wear whatever the fuck i want.

so, ever since my first week of getting there, ive been running into the most random people at work: people that i've worked with, dated, people who've interviewed me for jobs, old friends i haven't seen in years, and others who i don't give 2 shits about and didn't care if i ever see again. then a few days ago i told my sister about some of the people i've been running into at work and she asked me, "aren't you a little embarrassed? you used to tell that guy what to do at work and now you're clearing plates off his table." i found what she said to be pretty hysterical and what's even funnier is, i'm not embarrassed to be working there at all. i sort of love the office-free life, it's less soul sucking.

aside from work, i don't do much. if i'm lucky, i get to hang out with all my friends and catch up on our lives.

REMEMBER THESE????

i randomly stumbled upon this at walgreens and it instantly made me think of my childhood. i've always loved these, they were always such a special treat to me.

i had a crazy nightmare last night. it was the kind that left me feeling very shaken and vulnerable when i wake up. i cant believe that it wasn't a dream and that it was actually something i dreamt. they're so random sometimes.

so in my latest nightmare, for some reason i've been kidnapped in brazil and at one point, someone is pointing a shotgun at me saying they're about to shoot me as i plead for my life. i just remember the feeling of that dream, i felt truly terrified and like i act was actually about to get shot and killed. then at another point, this small korean grandma is ordering me around and telling me what to do. i'm still kidnapped and she's ordering me around like crazy and at one point i yell in her face, "HAL-MUH-NI!!!!" and look at her like she better get the fuck up off me. i don't remember the rest.

well, it was terrifying none-the-less.

No more writing entries while stoned.

it's 2:35 am and i am currently decompressing at home after a long night at work. i got home 20 minutes ago and now i just want to shower soon and read shit online for hours or until i fall asleep. i can't go to bed without decompressing, i need to do this before i ever go to bed. i haven't blogged about work in a while, but so much has change. i actually feel like i know what the fuck i'm doing. i've already even seen new people come and go during my short time thus far, and i'm proud of myself for making it through. while it's still pretty stressful due to all the pressure of maintaining the quality of the restaurant, it's fun at the same time. anyway, my point is now i finally feel like this is my job---it's not some random place i'm at everyday anymore. i'm even starting to get used to the crazy schedules. it's nice because my off-time and days without work fall under days of the week where i can do all the shit i want in the day and not have to deal with people. i kind of like it. i had to ride the subway the other day for front-of-house staff meeting at work. when i got on the subway at 9 in the morning, i couldn't believe how many people there were. i got so used to riding the train and never hanging to deal with rush hour. it feels nice to see a train pass by us coming from the opposite direction and it's jam packed with people. that's when i sigh and am very grateful that i don't have to deal with the "daily grind" anymore. i'm not sure if other people use this, but every morning i would stand through my crowded ass commute and just say "fuck you daily grind." but now i don't have to deal with it, and i'm okay with that. off to shower and get some shut eye. i'm working a double-shift tomorrow that have sometimes been 13 hours of work with one 30 minute break. at least i'm not sitting on my fat lazy ass all day in an office, i feel a lot healthier working on my feet.

i have a huge problem. i'm never satisfied with my life.

boyfriend-CHECK
less monotony in life-CHECK
a job at my first choice of nyc restaurants i would ever work at-CHECK

i set a goal, achieve it and think, "now what?"

the number of my profile views has been at 3,803 for the past few months and i have no idea how to fix it. has this happened to anyone else?

i have nothing to write about.

well, actually there's always stuff to blog about but i'm feeling lazy so i'll just post some pictures i took with my phone.

I got an iPhone. Yay for mobile blogging.

I just finished a double shift and am eating dinner and drinking alone in the east village.

I feel blah.

I don't think this lonely feeling will ever go away.

the new yeah yeah yeahs album = perfection. i love them.

does anyone else read PostScret? it's one of my favorites blogs out there and reading about all these other people who feel the same way i do out there makes me think that humans all hurt and feel sadness in the same way. it's universal.

anyway, i usually do not like using images that don't belong to me, but i read the following post card and it made me feel really sad. i don't know what i would if i was going through life without him next to me, being in a relationship makes feels so nice with someone you care about. sometimes i think that maybe thing's were destined to be this way, and this is why i'm going through my first serious relationship in the exact period in my life where so many other things are changing. for 26 years, it was always my professional life that blossomed and grew and my non-existent love life made me feel so lonely, which in turn affected every other factor in my life. it's funny how life works out. everything happens for a reason.

i worked my first double shift today. 13 hours straight on my feet. the only thing i wanted to do after work was go for a long drive to the middle of nowhere so i can be by myself and listen to my thoughts. that's what happens when you're in the constant madness of an extremely busy nyc restaurant for 13 hours, especially if you hate being in crowded places---you want to get away from the human race.

sometimes i want to freak out at work because i get so tired of the constant rush of people. working in a restaurant is different from an office because at my old job, i would have instances where i wouldn't do shit for hours and i would just fuck around by reading the news and blogs online. but in a restaurant, you're always moving and constantly on and there's no way you can get around with fucking around like that at all. but it's okay because i tell myself, "more people, more money" and that makes the situation a little bit better.

someday i hope i'm a successful writer and i want to buy a small house in the countryside with a big red barn and live there with my golden retriever and do all my work and writing from my the middle of nowhere with my laptop away from the world.

life never ceases to amaze me. is this how things are until you die? when i'm an old man, will i still be shocked at the stuff i'll be dealing with in my life then? i'm just always at awe at all the good and bad things that people are forced to deal with---but i guess it keeps you on your ties and life interesting.

anyway, i got the job. i am an official runner for the restaurant, woohoo. i feel like this is the right job for my life at this moment so i'm okay with everything. plus, it's like the only restaurant i even would want to work at in nyc so i feel lucky to be there. it still doesn't feel like work though when i'm there. i feel like i'm just going through some weird phase and living someone else's life but i guess that's with every new job---it takes time to get used to. one thing about the job that i am having trouble adjusting to is the schedule. it's currently 6:30 AM in nyc and i'm still up doing nothing. i'm not sure if anyone's noticed but i usually blog now at random hours because it's hard to regulate your body without a consistent schedule. i do have to say that i'm proud of myself for getting hired. i was persistent and worked my ass off and it all paid off. life takes you on these paths that are so new and unfamiliar that it's so easy to feel like you're lost---but in actuality everything happens for a reason and this is where you're meant to be at this very moment. "everything happens for a reason." i live by those words, it's what keeps me going through my life right now and i sincerely believe in the adage.

on a clear and cloudless night, i want to lie down alone on a bed of the softest, most greenest grass with my shoes and socks at an arm-lengths away as i stare at the stars in the picturesque sky above and just feel the earth beneath me and the silence around me. i really miss doing that.

haha thank you to everyone for your comments, they truly made me laugh and smile.

so for the past couple of days, i have been doing a trial period of training at a restaurant. it's in the east village and very low key with award-winning and amazing food. the atmosphere is really comfortable and welcoming but the quality of the food and service is in no way sacrificed because of it. i have two more days of training tomorrow evening (saturday) and during the lunch schedule on sunday. if those two days go well, i was told that i would officially be hired.

also, i was able to acquire back my lost phone. i never thought i'd be so happy to see my piece of shit phone but man i really did miss it.

i'm hoping that things are starting to look up in my life. if i don't get that restaurant gig, i'm not sure what i'll do but i know that everything in life happens for a reason.

i've always loved Seo Taiji & Boys (서태지와 아이들) and their music. except for their third one, i consider all of their albums to be absolute korean classics and no matter how much i listen to them, i never get tired of them.

i download most of my music now, especially all of my korean stuff, and i'm pretty anal with my music and enjoy spending hours upon hours to make sure i have all the correct covers, titles, track listings, year of release and other pertinent album information for all music in my itunes. i guess it's also sort of a problem because i get pretty obsessed with it. anyhoo, i was recently looking up some information on their first album released in 1992 and i found a website that had an image of the back cover for the album.

up until this point, i had never seen it and just wanted to share it here on my blog because i really like it. it's so 90's and matches the album and their music perfectly. 90's music in general is so much better than most of the garbage that's out today. maybe it's because i'm also a child of the 90's but i just love everything about the decade's music, fashion and pop culture.

i feel like the only thing i blog about anymore is being unemployed/broke. i guess it's because i don't have much else going on in my life right now...

the weather today in nyc is beautiful, and i feel like i should go out and be productive. while i have nowhere to go and no one to meet without my phone, i guess i'll just go to the union sq b&n to read and loiter.

bye all.

i lost my phone yesterday. f-r-u-s-t-a-t-i-n-g. i wasn't drunk or fucked up, just good old stupidity i guess. i'm still not sure how the hell i lost it though. and finding a job without a phone is probably not going to be the easiest thing, and i can't afford a new one right now...

plus i keep getting these random nosebleeds that i'm thinking is from stress?

well for some good news: i'm alive.

bills + rent + no money + more bills + looking for work + historically disastrous economy + lack of income + confusion of being in my 20's + more bills + "what the hell am i going to do with my life" = ABSOLUTE STRESS.

time is such a blur when you have nothing to do everyday.

i feel like my life is going to implode.

currently on obsessive repeat and they all happen to be 90's music (in my opinion, the best decade of music ever):

a tribe called quest- stressed out
mary j. blige- mary jane (all night long)
a tribe called quest- 1nce Again
n.w.a.- express yourself
nine inch nails- hurt

life is too short to be stressed out all the time. i am so grateful for everything that is going on in my life right now, the good and the bad. i need to stay positive.

i need to focus and be productive with my time and my life in general. i got laid off for a reason and am adamant on using this period to figure out my next steps in life. the unknown is scary but so exciting at the same time.

i want to get really drunk.

i have issues.

i always have to look at my poop before i flush it down the toilet...

am i the only person who does this??

we spent the past 5 days together.

thursday (2-12 my actual birthday)
he surprised me with a birthday dinner at jean-georges' spice market
walked around the city aimlessly for hours
ended up in the east village
urge
the cock
back to his apt in the u.e.s.

friday (2-13 we both took the day off)soho
anna sui
chocolate store
watched "he's just not that into you"
dinner at spice in the east village
blue and gold in the east village
back to his apt

saturday (2-14 valentines day)woke up and exchanged small v-day gifts in the morning
i went to a pilates class in carroll gardens, brooklyn
friend's apt in bed stuy to smoke, chill and watch tv
met back up with him for dinner at momofuku noodle bar
i surprised him with post dinner reservations at a dessert bar called koyotofu (he loves sweets and desserts)
walked around midtown
apple store
ended up dancing at the web
back to his apt

sunday (2-15)i went to nj to visit the parents for a little
chilled and smoked at a friend's apt in palisades park (fort lee)
nightmare commute back to nyc while stoned off my ass and holding smelly korean food from my parents---i hate jersey
stayed in with him at his apt

monday (2-16)lunch at mcdonalds
watched "friday the 13th" at union square (don't even get me started on watching these types of movies. on our first movie date, i watched "underworld 3" at a large theatre on a friday night. i have not done that since i was in high school because i absolutely hate movies like that and despise large megaplex theatres. when my friends later found out about our first movie date, they were unanimously shocked and knew i must really like him to do something so uncharacteristic like that)
haircut in chinatown
lunch at a vegetarian dim sum house in chinatown
back to his apt in the u.e.s. to pick up all my stuff and end our 5 day whirlwind
bed stuy to visit friends and have dinner
ended up crashing at their place

tonight is my first night sleeping at home since last wednesday. it feels like it's been forever. it's nice to be in my own bed.

things are amazing.

i still need to find a job though.

i had tons of shit in my messenger bag today and since it's so cold out in nyc, i decided to take my house keys out of my bag to put into my jacket pocket while i was still on the subway going home.

then something very embarrassing happened.

as i was standing in a half-crowded C train to brooklyn, trying to balance myself with one hand on the pole as i tried not to fall on my face, i dug through all the mess in my bag and then a condom fell out and onto the floor. yes---a condom. and yes---everyone standing around me and sitting in the seats saw it fall out as well. i was absolutely mortified.

the funny thing is, it was one of the "nyc" condoms, you know the ones that are available at like every single bar in the city? and the only reason it was in my bag was because a few months ago, my friends stole a whole bunch while we were out at a bar and stuffed them into my bag because they thought it was funny. i guess i forgot to throw this one last one away, it was probably buried under all the junk i'm always carrying around.

oh well. i thought it was funny anyway.

"out of sight, out of mind."

those are words i can live by.

i will always be okay.

i'm not sure how to tell my parents that i got laid off.

i usually call my parents at least 3 times a week from my office around lunchtime. the calls are usually brief, but it gives us enough time to catch up and to basically let them know that i'm still alive and doing okay. it's funny because my mom always talks about how proud she is of me, and how she's always showing off to the customers at her store that her son is working for x magazine and doing x with his life. i know they won't be mad at me for getting laid off, but i know they'll just be very disappointed and distraught in general about the situation.

fuck, who knows what the hell will happen.

here are a few pictures of my friend's beautiful brownstone in brooklyn and their dog that i was watching for them a few weekends ago.

these pictures don't do their apartment justice. everyone who goes to their place for the first time is always floored by how amazing it is. the space is so large and there are so many little design details in the place that gives it so much character. and isn't their dog madden such a cutie? dogs are such people magnets. when i took madden into the city for a walk, i was stopped at least once a block and complimented on what a cute dog he was.

scha⋅den⋅freu⋅de [shahd-n-froi-duh]: watching a woman sprint down the steps of the F train platform at 42nd street earlier this evening as she tried to catch the closing doors of the subway with her umbrella---and then seeing her proceed to fall straight on her ass as the doors closed right in front of her face.

did she actually think she was going to make the train? HAHA i'm sorry but that is some funny ass shit, i actually burst out laughing.

oh man, i totally had my whole reoccurring high-school nightmare and just woke up in an absolute panic. i dreamt that i had been skipping math class for weeks and that i wasn't going to graduate.

it's been 7 years since i graduated high school and i still get these nightmares every now and then. i'm also not the type of person who gets nightmares often so when i do, they usually really freak me out. i wonder if i'll still get them when i'm 50.

i have been house/dog-sitting since thursday for my friends in bed stuy. they have a large beautiful brownstone and the cutest little dog named madden. they also have furniture, a tv, cable, and internet --- i feel like i'm on a little mini vacation here.

i'm watching the "we are one" celebration for the 56th presidential inaugural weekend on hbo, and it's just making me feel so good and tingly inside.

i really feel like 2009 is going to be a year of great change in every aspect.

i really need to start working out again.

oh, life...

this entry deserves a title.

i got laid off this morning.

i then decided to treat myself by going to balthazar for eggs benedict and a bellini as i read over my sendoff package from human resources.

oh life --- you're always keeping me on my toes.

damn it, why the hell do i keep cutting myself every time i shave?

on thursday night, i finally tried the bo ssam at momofuku ssam bar.

this popular dish at the restaurant is prepared two days in advance and can only be eaten with a reservation made specifically for it. i went with my friend jenn and some coworkers of mine from the epicurean magazine i work at.

has anyone else out there tried it yet? i liked the dish and thought it was worth the money.

it was nice to spend time with coworkers outside the office and finally see what all the hype is about.

every night, i fucking dread the moment when i'm in bed with all the lights/computer/music turned off and i'm trying to fall asleep. i fucking HATE it because i just lie there, tossing and turning with nothing but a million thoughts in my head --- unable to relax or fall asleep.

it is probably my least favorite moment of every 24 hours in my life.

진달래 꽃 by 김소월

나 보기가 역겨워
가실 때에는
말 없이 고이 보내드리오리다

영변에 약산 진달래꽃
아름 따다 가실 길에 뿌리오리다

가시는 걸음 걸음 놓인 그 꽃을
사뿐히 즈려 밟고 가시옵소서

나 보기가 역겨워
가실 때에는
죽어도 아니 눈물 흘리오리다

i think i found a minor typo in the 2000 vintage international edition of haruki murakami's norwegian wood.

page 19, eleven lines down. does anyone else see it?

i'm in a slump.

i forgot how selfish you are.

it's 3 in the morning and i can't sleep, so i'm going through old photos i scanned into my computer years ago.

i found this gem below and it made me laugh so hard.

oh, the 90's...

on day's like this --- with no one to meet, nowhere to go and nothing to do, i wish i had a big comfy sofa and plasma tv to mindlessly veg out and do absolutely nothing for hours.

damn i'm bored.