Monday, October 12, 2009

i don't have anything in particular to write about, so i'm just going to talk about anything that comes into mind. i made a big life/career decision today and while i have a little pang of regret, i have to stick by my decision and be done with it. i don't know what to do anymore---i feel like i have no control over my life, or if i do i'm about to drive into the side of a mountain because of my stupidity and bad judgement. i like to scrape the resin off my bong and smoke it when i'm desperately out of goods. i need to stop procrastinating my life by smoking weed, but i just love it too damn much. it's the only instant pleasure provider i have left. drinking is too much work and being drunk is physically exhausting the next day. other drugs just leave me too brain dead and feeling like absolute shit the day after. i remember when i was 18 and partying every week at clubs with house music and trance in my lame raver/party gear like exit (a nyc club where i rarely missed a friday for 2-3 years), i was rolling my face off and started talking to the person next to me who was this random dude who was also very fucked up. we were both rolling and happy, so of course a whole bunch of e-talk comes with that, and at one point he told me he was 23. after hearing that, the only thought that ran through my head was, "wow, this dude is so old, wtf is he doing here? if i'm 23 and doing this shit at a club like exit, kill me," or somewhere along the lines of that. when i think back to that period of my life, i had so much fun and don't regret any of it. i was so in the closet and confused back then that whenever i was partying, i strictly focused on getting fucked up and just tried to dance for hours. i was never on the hunt for girls or ass, but instead i really appreciated the music and loved dancing to it. i used to order bags of raver beads online and make candy bracelets for hours with the intentions of distributing and trading them at my next party the following friday. and to create a stretchable bracelet, i went to duane reade and bought those 20 packs of women's hair tying things and took two, tied them together and looped them through the beads. i loved trading the bracelets with other kids at parties. i wonder what happened to all my old bracelets, i should have at least a few left somewhere. i missed out on being sexual while rolling and being fucked up---people always got laid except for me. i know it's bad, but i want to go party and roll one last time at a gay place where i can be comfortable, meet other people and slut it out---i think it's only fair after all those years of being asexual at parties. my roommate moved out of the apartment, and i only have a few days left here. i'm really going to miss this place. holy shit it's past 5am and i'm too tired to read and edit this so goodnight.


  1. nuttin buh pearls1:52 PM

    i thought u would enjoy your next step up at work..?

  2. why do you have to stop having fun just because you're getting older? get out on that dance floor and slut it out, boy!

  3. wow. are you sure you weren't doped when you wrote this ?

    but kudos. let it all out.

  4. Girrrrrrrrrrrlllllllll, that's all I am gonna say. LOL!