Saturday, June 26, 2010

i've got to stop self-medicating with food.

i normally never talk about my food issues here because mine are fucking major and it's such a never-ending personal struggle for me, but i'm at a point in my life where i've come to understand it and learned how i can grow (not sideways) from it. while i've learned to control a large part of it, i'm still a fat girl at heart and those tendencies surface if i'm stressed, lonely, or just not feeling great. food distracts me and always brought me great comfort in life. like any addict who deals with their issues in any unhealthy way, food can become a dangerous drug for me. i'll think and obsess about eating something and will not stop until i get my fix. that means whether i have to cancel plans with someone or ask for two sets of everything to make it seem like there's more than one person who will be eating the food order i'm picking up or go completely out of my way to acquire what it is that my brain thinks it needs in order to cope and feel better, i make it my number one priority and get it done. when i actually have the food and am eating it, that joyful and satisfied feeling i thought i'd get from it usually never comes, and i feel even more shittier than i did before because now i'm full and succumbed to my lack of self-control over food. isn't it bizarre that to some people like me, fast food joints, restaurants that deliver or any food establishment for that matter can become sort of like a drug dealer?? it's the absolute truth.

i guess one of the good things now is that i know when i'm getting all crazy about it and ask myself, "am i physically hungry and is my body actually even in need of food, or is my brain just consumed with eating this certain thing because of a completely different purpose that is in NO WAY even related to food and what's actually going on in my life?" it's usually the latter.

for right now, i'm going to go and try to focus my energy on another issue of mine. hopefully doing some cleaning will take my mind off a few things.

1 comment:

  1. I totes feel ya on this food issue! I always eat when I am sad.