Thursday, October 14, 2010

i've been wanting to write a post about this for sometime now.

i'm a gay korean-american, is that really such a big deal? yes, i know it's not a shock to many people since i write about dating, relationships and guys on this blog, but what you might not know is that it's taken a lot of time and work for me to get to this point.

growing up, i never was able to conceptualize the fact that i was different. from kindergarten to the sixth grade, i basically moved and attended a different school every year. i believe that's what made me a loner at heart, and i was used to not having friends or people to confide in. i had issues with my father as a kid, so i always sought comfort in my mom and two older sisters. since i always moved, i stopped trying to make friends after a certain point and got very used to being around the women in my family and felt at complete ease around them. all these factors were just part of the natural sequence of events in my life and i thought every outcome from it was what naturally made me who i am. i didn't have anyone to compare myself with or to talk to to realize that i might be different, so i just accepted myself as a natural recluse who preferred to deal with my issues through food. as i got older, i don't think i was just in denial about my sexuality, but i was actually confused. i just wasn't sure what i was going through and feeling, and i strived to be like everyone else i knew by casually "dating" girls that never went beyond our social-status. looking back on that time now, all i can think is wow i would never put myself through that again. i came out to my first friend right before my 21st birthday, and since then the number of people who i've confided in has grown (perhaps slowly at first, yet still with progress) to what it is now. i would definitely say that the internet helped me because the period that i started college in was the beginning of the time where having a computer and going online daily was a part of everyday life for people my age. that's when i truly began to understand that i was not like my friends, and going online and seeking information about who i might be by connecting with others similar to me became an extremely helpful source. after years of lying, denial, and being ashamed, i chose to only surround myself with people that i knew would accept me for who i am and allow me to grow as an individual. by doing so, i've been able to experience life in the way it's meant to be. what? just because i was born gay, does that mean that i have to feel different and inferior to anyone? fuck no. fuck that shit. seriously, i don't know when it happened but years ago, i started to understand human beings in general are different. there are however billion people roaming this planet trying to find their own happiness and meaning in life, or course there are anomalies to what people consider the norm. shit, people are born in so many spectacular and amazingly different ways, what exactly is so hard to understand about that? honestly, think about it. everyone is born with their own characteristics. there are so many different types of people roaming this planet, it's only naturally that some people are born with traits that others might consider different. but isn't that what makes people, people? our differences? haven't you ever had to work with someone who just absolutely annoyed the fuck out of you and wanted to kill? and then you realize that's just who they are and that people who are the complete opposite of you and what you believe in also roam the earth? i really don't get what is so hard to understand about that. people who say they're gay are actually born that way, period. there's nothing else to discuss or understand. just like you're born as a man/woman and attracted to men/women in a way that society and most of your neighbors believe in, there's also people who are NOT born that way. what the fuck is so difficult to understand about that? when a transgender person says they were born in the body of the wrong sex, what exactly is it about that that is so hard to comprehend? let's say you're a male born into a male body that instinctively likes females---no problem, right? but say that you're a male instinctively into females but you happened to be born into a female body? yes, it happens. you might have been born into a sex and sexual preference which is completely accepted and deem-able by society, but not everyone was born like that. get over it and accept it.

sometimes i question why i was born the way i am in this current generation. with the rash of all the recent suicides by teenagers and other young folks who were being bullied for who they are, all i can think is, "why?" it's so tragic. all i want to say is that as korean-american guy from flushing, queens, the pressure of living up to the certain norms of that culture is just not anything i concern myself with anymore.

i've come to the conclusion that some people are not worth my time. for people who don't believe that people are born gay, i honestly have nothing else to discuss with. with an intolerant viewpoint like that, i just assume that everything else that comes out of your mouth is garbage. you basically don't understand the fundamental differences of people, therefore you fall under the category of people who can't be taken seriously. it's not my job to educate dumb-asses like you---if you can't learn about human beings on your own, then you should really stay home in your realm of comfort.

i can say that i still grapple with my sexuality. moving to korea has been a completely different experience on its own. so many people stay closeted here but i guess i'm feel lucky since i feel no obligation to lie about myself here. i in no way feel like the poster-boy for gay rights, but i guess i'm at an age where i have a complete understanding that all human beings are different and for anyone who doesn't understand that, i just pity your existence.

maybe i've had WAYYYYY too many glasses of maker's mark alone in my room, but i hope that any young people out there who might be grappling with their sexual identity realize that you're not alone, there are countless others out there like you. and don't let the idiots who think that they're right because they speak in a decibel louder than you make you think you're inferior in anyway. just have some sympathy for them and realize that their ignorance hinders them from reaching their full potential in life---they're not worth your time.

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