Saturday, July 23, 2011

disappointment comes in many forms, but self-pity is tritely always the same...

after hearing some devastatingly disappointing news a few hours ago, i immediately felt this odd numbing sensation take over my chest and face. it's weird because i've never felt anything like it before, and that was on top of the dazed incapacitation that had already begun swirling through my head. all of this actually forced me to lay down on my bed, and i shielded myself from the world with a blanket of self-pity. i couldn't stop thinking. all the familiar questions of "what the fuck am i doing with my life?" or "what the fuck am i supposed to be doing with my life?" or "what the fuck is the purpose of my life?" repeated over and over, and i just wanted to crawl into a hole and disappear.

but after about a half hour, i realized that i need to put all my self-doubt in check because i knew i could go down an ugly and destructive path if didn't. i will not allow anyone to stand in my dream because it's up to only me to make it happen---getting a big red "NO" stamp on my forehead is a part of life and now i've got to wipe it off and move on. i've allowed myself 30 minutes of self-pity and now i have to figure out my next steps again because what other option is there?

thanks life for always keeping me on my toes.


  1. Anonymous12:03 PM

    Oh no..... is this regarding the thing you worked on while I was there??


  2. I know it's hard for you to understand, but you are an inspiration to others. You were able to survive in two foreign countries for more than a year. Some people can't even leave their home state. I'm proud of you and I can't wait til your book is published!

  3. thank ditty for reminding me that at least trying is better than sitting on your ass waiting. you're amazing, everything will be alrite.

    <3 <3

    - mohnannie