Monday, July 11, 2011

i feel such a disconnect with the world.

my notions about life have been slowly changing the past few months, and i don't know how or why it happened. at every waking moment, i feel so distracted from the constant stream of questions and thoughts that enter my brain, and i'm at a loss on how to control it. i can no longer restrain them and it's starting to really bother me. i feel mentally paralyzed because all the intrusive thinking going on in my head isn't allowing me to focus, or even relax. and it's not the kind of thinking where you're walking down the street and wondering what to eat for dinner later in the night or that you have to pick up something from the pharmacy, but so much more complicated. i'm trying to think of how i can explain it, but i just can't put it into words. i don't know even know what i'm thinking sometimes because my mental impression will quickly move onto something else just as fast as it entered my brain. i think it's really growing to be a problem because sometimes i find it really difficult to even have a normal conversation. i mean i can sit there and earnestly listen, but i'm so distracted by what's going in in my head that it becomes challenging to focus on anything. i can't lose myself in anything anymore either and on those rare and brief moments that i do, the thought "holy shit, wow---i actually just lost myself for a moment and didn't think about anything else" manifests from nowhere, and then i realize that that thought in itself has popped into my head and abruptly aborted my temporary point of being lost in the moment. it's like reading the same two sentences of a paragraph over and over because you're thoughts are elsewhere. i think too much and it's just making me more and more into an extremely serious person. while i've always had somewhat of a serious personality, it just feels so heightened now and because of it, i feel more isolated from the world. i know this isn't normal, and i wondered maybe if i'm on the onset of acquiring some sort of mental illness, but then i don't even think it's that. it's just me. i don't know why, but it's just me. unlike myself, when i'm conversing with people, i can always see that they're relaxed and not thinking about anything but what's going on at that moment. i wonder why my brain doesn't seem to be capable of doing that anymore? i know i haven't always been like this. i just feel like i can't connect with anyone anymore, and it's scary. don't get me wrong, i can still function and socialize without coming off as a complete sociopath, but the persistent thinking is still always going on. all of it just feels so sudden and i'm still learning how i could possibly use it to my advantage if i can. sometimes i want to crawl into a hole and be alone, but then i go crazy with all my thoughts and solitude and want to be around people. but when i'm around people, my thoughts are just as disruptive and i want to be alone so i won't feel so odd.

i always try to think positively, and it's helped me tremendously in growing and maturing emotionally, but this new subconscious dilemma seems like it's veering me down this unaccustomed and unfamiliar path... i'm trying to accept that this is the person i've always just been destined to become because i think it'll make things easier, but i still don't understand how it happened.

1 comment:

  1. Self-awareness is what makes us human, but what makes us even more successful as a species is our ability to be social and make connections with one another, helping each other out for the sake of survival of our kind. The key to inner peace isn't to shut out your thoughts, it's to acknowledge it, heed to it, then let it dissolve. Our thoughts are just thoughts, feelings just feelings, they never stay the same forever, just as our our bodies. Learning to acknowledge our thoughts and to control them is the first step to inner peace.

    Our bodies are dependent upon our environments, the food we eat, the experiences it endures. Our minds and our personalities are dependent upon our friends, our families, our pasts. Our feelings and thoughts are dependent upon our surroundings, our current states, things we've been through. Nothing, no one, not one single thing in the world is inherently independent. Nothing, no one is truly alone. We are all connected - one should never forget that.

    I think you should engage yourself with others more. Put yourself in settings where your mind is constantly distracted with people/things other than yourself. Lose yourself in the act of otherness. That's the core of zen, to be completely lost in the act of something, being one with the act itself.

    I hope you find some peace. I hope you find what you're truly looking for.


    ps. you're connected to the internet. someone out here heard you. how are you to say that you can't connect when I heard you perfectly?