Who writes this shit?

"Now your scent on my pillow's faded.
At least you left me with something"

From the song Missing U by Robyn.

Been thinking about you today, Anne.

I'm lucky to have gone to the beach three times so far since I mentioned it in early July. I hop on the A train from my place uptown and it's just one long straight shot to Far Rockaway in Queens. Two of my beach days were by myself, and I love lying out there alone in a non-busy area. I have a beach umbrella I always bring with me, so vegging out there for hours is very easy. Although on my third time there, it was so windy that my umbrella wouldn't stay up. Since it takes me at least an hour and a half to get there, I always stay for a good amount of time. I see it as a full day commitment, and wasn't going to leave just because of the lack of shade. So after many years, it forced me to actually get some sun and a tan. I loved the wind and sun on my skin, I was totally content being there to feel far removed from the city.

Here are some pics from my trips so far that were taken on my phone. On the second outing, I had run out of beer and a guy selling nutcrackers walked by. It was some sort of citrus flavor with gin, which was well worth the $10. For my third trip, I decided not to drink. Then I ran into a Mr. Softee ice cream truck on the walk back to the subway station. What I especially loved about this truck was how well maintained it was, and how all of the prices were clearly labelled. It had been years since I had ordered a milkshake from an ice cream truck, so I got my childhood favorite, a banana milkshake. After a long day at the beach, it was the perfect thing to gulp down. I was finished with it before I got to the nearby train station.

I am sick as a dog right now.

You know that old adage about remembering the good old times when breathing through your nostrils was possible? I am totally reminiscing and missing those good ol' days. I am mouth breathing so hard right now.

Cough x 100.

It's been over five years since I last wore a pair of jeans, and I haven't looked back since.

Scarfed.
Scarred.
Scared.

I want to know what you do.

Soft.

All it takes is one good laugh to reset an entire day.

I went to a restaurant last week with a friend for some drinks and snacks. This was after coming from another bar, so we casually grabbed two stools near the entrance and ordered from there. Our server was completely nice and we had a good time with no problems. When the bill came, my friend and I split it equally, and we had decided that she'd pay all the tip on her card. I didn't feel like writing zero on the tip line of my check, so I wrote "friend" to let them know my gal pal was tipping for the whole bill. Then I checked the charge earlier today on my card, and the restaurant had totally overcharged me by adding on a large tip. I couldn't believe it. The receipt I signed had clearly indicated that my total payment was for the amount my card was charged, and nothing else. I called the restaurant today and someone on the phone helped credit me back my money. But what gets me is a year or so ago, I had gone to this restaurant and had the same exact problem happen. Even then, they overcharged me on the tip when I sat at the bar, and I had to contact them to fix it. In general, this has never happened to me at any other restaurant, ever. Maybe this is a coincidence, or maybe it's really not, but after thinking about what happened today, it's like, no thank you. There are too many other great places to go eat and drink at than deal with this.

All you've got to do is not eat that. That. Is. Your. Only. Challenge.

There's something about watching videos of people eating that brings so much comfort. It's the sounds that truly lure me in. The crunch of that initial chomp. Mouthfuls with a smile. The chewing as wet food becomes smaller with each bite. Swallowing in gulps. It's a body reinvigorated. And all these mukbang YouTubers talk about stuff, too. It's like, I'm out to eat with them and we're having a conversation. Only I can ignore them and drift in and out of what they're saying whenever I want while I mess around on my phone or computer. There are days where I truly do want to get absorbed by a series or movie, but then there are others where my brain does not have the bandwidth to do anything but tune out the world.

Attention.
A tension.

Hack.

Handle it.

Ooh, mami.
Ooh! Mommy!
Umami.

Still good.

Please don't invite me. K, thanks.

I've only recently started watching make-up tutorials on YouTube for fun. And all I have to say is, learning about what highlighters are and what they do has completely blown my mind.

Pay-per-view.

What are the fireworks of the future? Because I think we're ready for it.

Pour you?
Poor, you.

To leave the house, or not leave the house?

Conversation in 2049
Person 1: Acronym. Acronym. Acronym. Acronym. Acronym.
Person 2: Acronym?
Person 1: Acronym. Acronym. Acronym. Acronym. Acronym. Acronym. Acronym. Acronym. Acronym. Acronym. Acronym. Acronym. Acronym. Acronym. Acronym. Acronym. Acronym. Acronym. Acronym. Acronym. Acronym. Acronym. Acronym. Acronym. Acronym. Acronym. Acronym. Acronym. Acronym. Acronym. Acronym. Acronym. Acronym.

You are what you scroll.

I love Aquaria.

Happy Friday! Okay, well at least the holiday week version.

With it being the 4th of July tomorrow, the city seems quiet today for a Tuesday. But I love it when national holidays fall on a Wednesday because it breaks up the workweek into two manageable parts.

Happy Independence Day and birthday, America! Have fun celebrating.

"There's nothing stronger than a broken woman who has rebuilt herself."

Said by comedian Hannah Gadsby in her Netflix stand-up special.

This comedy special is so good. It's not just about jokes, but as Hannah said, about sharing stories. Because the one imagined in our heads is purely fiction, and a version that we could never even imagine awaits.

"Where are the quiet gays supposed to go?"

Said by comedian Hannah Gadsby in her Netflix stand-up special.

The separation of families is wrong. There's a difference between a process, and unnecessarily cruel behavior that parts people from the ones they love most in the world. And this is especially during such a vulnerable time for these families. And the fact that this is happening to children? I don't see how any of that is okay for anyone, anywhere.

"I always feel like I'm starting over." 

Said by the character Jackie Brown in the movie Jackie Brown.

It's a fact that food tastes better after 10pm. It's like, because of astrology or something.

Good morning, world!

I am home after drinking on a Tuesday night, microwaving my Father's Day leftovers from Sunday.

My mom and dad dropped off an entire extra tray of homemade galbi jjjim this weekend, which tastes so good after nuking it in the microwave just now.

It's basically everything, and the amount of joy it brings me right now is just beyond words.

Best of Both Worlds vs. Best of Each World

"I'm stuck on your heart,
I hang on every word you say."

From the song The Best by Tina Turner.

Thank you, Beyoncé.

"The future's us, 

yet every citizen's in prison."

From the song Everything by Nas.

"I'm gonna have to leave you."

From the song White Label by Nas.

New nose?

"Natasha: I was thinking today, this will be on the Internet forever.
Doug: Petty much, yeah. Is that bad?"

From the show Getting Doug with High. Episode Natasha Leggero.

I've been working from home for the past few days, and until today, I hadn't left my apartment since Saturday night.

The weather in NYC is so gloriously welcoming today, and it feels great to get some fresh air.

"Where did I go?
When did I realize,
My love was on hold?
So now this is goodbye."

From the song Where Did I Go by Jorja Smith.

The past few weeks or so (shot on an iPhone X).

Duly noted.

The thing about the average NYC apartment is they're not that big. They come in all shapes and layouts, but the term "spacious" is not something that pops into mind often. That's also the case for my current apartment. It's totally fine and I like it here, but my fire alarms always goes off if I cook something oily in a pan for too long. It's because one fire alarm is at the end of the hallway towards the back bedroom, which isn't too far from the kitchen. There's no good ventilation around there, so the smell gets trapped. And it'll make the fire alarm go off, which instantly activates the one in my room that's on the other side of a nearby wall. The sound is so piercing and totally puts me in panic mode. It usually takes a few back-and-forths of me sprinting between the two while I jab at each with the end of my Swiffer Sweeper stick before there's silence again. Thinking about having to deal with this has actually stopped me from making certain kinds of food sometimes. I know this could be a good way to kickstart a policy of cooking healthier stuff, but dammit I'm just not ready for that yet.

Hearing the word relax is the about the most un-relaxing thing to hear.

"Let's just bake a cake for everyone who wants a cake to be baked!"

Said by Andrew Garfield at the 2018 Tony Awards during his acceptance speech for Best Lead Actor in Angels in America.

So many people who've reached a certain level of success and prominence have repeatedly expressed the same learning lesson: Nothing is ever as perfect as it seems, and no amount of money or fame is going to magically fix everything.

Yes, but why is it so hard to digest this information? To actually take it to heart. To stop romanticizing things that are simply figments of fiction created from our own imagination. To know there's a truth to every situation beyond what is seen by the eye is the first thing to disappear in the mind. But that old adage saying the best things in life are free is so true. And maybe that's what scares people the most into thinking otherwise.

I've been reading up on all of the amazing essays, think pieces, and social media posts dedicated to Anthony Bourdain this past weekend. I've never had the pleasure of working with him or ever being in the same room as him through some industry function. I've known nothing beyond my experiences of watching his tv shows or interviews, so learning more about him through all of the deeply personal messages dedicated to him has been really moving. It just makes me so sad to think that he saw suicide as the only way out, and seeking a solution through any other resource was futile. I think just like how our physical bodies break down and get hurt, the same thing happens to the brain. And mental health is a real issue that needs to be taken seriously. 

I used to write a lot more on this blog about being depressed and feeling down, but it's something that's gotten better for me with time. However, for the periods when I do still feel it, I don't want to bring it anymore thought or attention to it, so I push it away and definitely don't write about it. But I can't lie and say it never happens, because it still does on a regular basis. I try to deal with it all in more positive ways now, and small things like taking deep breaths and pausing the racing hamster wheel of thoughts in my head has been helpful. But what I've realized most in all these years is that it's during the cloud of depression when the instinct to hide away from the world is strongest, when in actuality, that's the time when friends and support are needed the most.

"I decided instead of running away from the idea of a life alone, I'd better sit down and take that fear to lunch... So, I sat there. And had a glass of wine alone. No books, no man, no friends, no armor, no faking."

Said by Carrie Bradshaw in the HBO show Sex and the City. Season 2, Episode 4: They Shoot Single People, Don't They?

Were we?
Worry.

It's. Not. That. Serious.

"Are we leaving,
this garden of Eden?"

From the song Garden by Dua Lipa.

Good morning, everyone. Sometimes I wake up with a melody already stuck in my head.

There are a few facets of my life I've been actively pursing for the past few years. Whether as baby steps or a larger risk, I've been trying to work at it to keep things moving along somehow. But what I'm doing just doesn't seem to be working. And I'm at a loss for what to try next. Like, what am I doing wrong and how do I get the results I want?

Between.

Belong.

Be right back.

"I can't understand."

From the song I Can't Understand by Queen Latifah.

There's a bottle of wine that's been in my fridge for over an entire week...

Wow, is this 35?

Some people have no idea that I think about them everyday. Every. Damn. Day.

Eating salad with a fork = Salad
Eating salad with chopsticks = Banchan

I am not my spelling mistake...

"Or do you not think so far ahead? 'Cause I been thinkin' 'bout forever."

From the song Thinkin About You by Frank Ocean.

That makes sense.

Happy Memorial Day weekend!

Life is just death's procrastination.

"I don't wanna waste no time all alone.
Want somewhere to go, something to call my own.
And I ain't satisfied. 
Where to go?"

From the song New Love by Dua Lipa.

"The most important things in life aren't things. They're the feelings you get when you can afford to buy things."

From Encouragement for Struggling Creatives in the May 28, 2018 issue of The New Yorker. Written by Riane Konc.

Hello, mellow fellow.

Incomplete directions = Incorrect directions